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My boyfriend keeps making sexist comments. Would be wrong for me to continue this relationship?


Mon_1609
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1 hour ago, Mon_1609 said:

I thought that he was going to cry and now I think he senses that im pulling away because he is acting all sweet and nice.

It's like that with men who physically abuse a woman as well. He punches her in the eye and then showers her with roses, a never ending cycle.

That comment about what you wore, showing cleavage--you're in the honeymoon stage now. Two or three months down the road, this will transform to YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT WEARING THAT!

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1 hour ago, Mon_1609 said:

Yes. I think he is broken or very damaged. He also says hurtful things about himself. He says things like “he is ***ed up” or that he has been hurt so much that he is cynical. Yesterday when we were arguing, I also told him to stop saying that about himself and that he has a lot of good things. When I said that he has a lot of good things, I thought that he was going to cry and now I think he senses that im pulling away because he is acting all sweet and nice.

Its a common thing for people who do bad things, say bad stuff or make bad choices to blame external factors. And how its not their fault because of society. Or because of bad experience. Or because daddy didnt love them enough. At the end of the day its just an excuse for bad behavior. People also opt to work on themselves. So they could be better and not repeat such behaviors. While people who blame external factors, quite often never do that and are prone to repeat bad behavior. So take his words as just an excuse. And not a sign that things would get better. Because they wont.

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Most men know there's actual truth to a lot of women preferring men with money because I am one of them.  I speak from experience from observing my parents struggle financially which caused a lot of endless martial and household strife. 😡 

I wouldn't have married my husband if I could foresee a future of constant financial hardship and struggle.  I've already lived and breathed it and wasn't about to repeat what I grew up with.  😪  I've always wanted a comfortable life.  Everyone wants a stable life.  However, your boyfriend did not need to state the obvious because it was unnecessary.

The part where your boyfriend messed up was his backhanded compliment of "but you are not like other women.  You are smart and mature."  Gee,  thanks?  🤔  It sounds like he was trying to do some damage control but he is perceived as insincere.  He should've just kept his mouth shut.  🤐

It was sexist to single out daughters being on the receiving end of parents giving them cars.  Countless parents gave their sons cars, too which isn't out of the ordinary.  

You're not overreacting. 

Also, due to his culture, it's commonplace to be chauvinistic. 

I've noticed people who criticize other people's choices tend to be very insecure because they don't have what they find impossible to attain.  For example, is your boyfriend "Mr. Money Bags? or is he scraping by?  If he's the latter, he sounds jealous because he doesn't have that draw. 

Was he given a car by his parents?  If not, again the green-eyed monster in him (Mr. Jealousy) is rearing its ugly head. 

Usually whenever people are secure and self confident, they don't make snide or sexist comments.  They tend to be quiet because they don't have to say anything.

Focus on your boyfriend's deep seeded envy and insecurity because insecure people talk too much. 

My late father was sexist in his own way.  He had no qualms beating up my mother 🤕😪, the coward that he was.  I never saw him wash a dish nor push a vacuum cleaner in his life.  ☹️

Thankfully, I married an extremely helpful husband in every capacity and a non-sexist husband who treats everyone with utmost respect and grace.

As for you, you'd better shop around.  Be extremely picky and choosy because it will pay off later.   

 

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18 hours ago, Mon_1609 said:

I know that this is a personal decision but I would love to heard another opinions. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I know that he has been hurt a lot on the past but that is not an excuse for keep saying the things that he says.
He keeps saying that a lot of women just want a men with money but then he says things like “but you are not like other women. You are smart and mature”

Today he was driving me home and I was telling him that my parents gave my sister a car and he said an awful comment that he doesn’t want to have daughters because they are spoiled and I was so upset that I told him that men can also be spoiled and I think he saw that I just hit my limit and promised not to say anything like that again.

I’m at the point where I’m considering ending things because my father is also sexist and I grew up hearing things like that. Am I overreacting?

I don't think this is a question of "right" or "wrong." But I do think you'd be doing yourself a disservice by settling for a misogynist as a partner. It's MUCH better to be with a man that respects women, believe me!

I do think you are wrong in your belief that he is broken or damaged, and that that is an excuse for being hateful and narrowminded. We are human beings. We have the capacity to make choices. He chooses to dislike women.

Only a woman who hates or fears women (and thus herself) would be flattered by a comparison like this:

18 hours ago, Mon_1609 said:

you are not like other women

It's super creepy!

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4 hours ago, Mon_1609 said:

Yes. I think he is broken or very damaged. He also says hurtful things about himself. He says things like “he is ***ed up” or that he has been hurt so much that he is cynical. Yesterday when we were arguing, I also told him to stop saying that about himself and that he has a lot of good things. When I said that he has a lot of good things, I thought that he was going to cry and now I think he senses that im pulling away because he is acting all sweet and nice.

I can see why you'd want to dump him.

The first 2 comments in your OP were offensive, but the context and your overall feelings for him were unknowns to us. 

Then you mentioned his controlling remark about your clothing, and that raised another red flag.

Now you're raising that his overall outlook is horrible, and he's excusing himself for being a misogynist because he's just a misanthrope who hates everyone AND himself...

What's in any of this for you? A human project that's up to YOU to fix before he hauls off and belts you or someone else?

Advice from Grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're bored or lonely enough to pick up the snake to play with it.

Run, honey... RUN.

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5 hours ago, Mon_1609 said:

Yes. I think he is broken or very damaged. He also says hurtful things about himself. He says things like “he is ***ed up” or that he has been hurt so much that he is cynical. Yesterday when we were arguing, I also told him to stop saying that about himself and that he has a lot of good things. When I said that he has a lot of good things, I thought that he was going to cry and now I think he senses that im pulling away because he is acting all sweet and nice.

😲😲😲  Oh, please walk away now!

Slowly reread your post. Doesn't this sound like an opening scene from an abusive boyfriend movie or a horror movie? 

He is a disaster and it's not your job to fix him. Movies like this never end well...

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I only wanted to marry a financially stable man. Because that is what I was bringing to the table. And when I wasn’t it was because I was in my early to mid 20s and stil in college or grad school but was ambitious with a strong work ethic and fully intended on working to be financially stable and independent. Which I did.
 

So I wasn’t seeking a man with money. I was seeking a person who was compatible financially - stable , independent with a good job and great work ethic. 
Once I became financially comfortable I did encounter men who seemed to want to date me for my $ and earning potential when they didn’t bring that to the table. Yes it goes both ways. 

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21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I did encounter men who seemed to want to date me for my $ and earning potential when they didn’t bring that to the table. Yes it goes both ways. 

Absolutely.

I had a casual sex thing with a friend of mine that was off and on for a few years.  One day he announced that he wanted me to PAY him for the sex going forward because he was broke.  He also asked me for money other times because, I guess, I had a nice rented condo and drove a fairly new car and could afford to pay my bills.  He did NOT become one of the bills I paid lol.  I kicked him to the curb.

My ex husband believes women are overly emotional and are bad with money and they need a tight rein or else they'll spend their man into the poorhouse.

Notice I said EX husband.

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The sprinkling of these comments are indeed giving you an insight to his character and values.  Do not underestimate this.

I've been through this same thing enough times in my dating experiences and though I heard them, I made excuses and even dismissed it.  

Doling them out at intervals so early on appears that he's testing you or grooming you.  2 years from now you'll look back and you won't be able to say you weren't warned.

Last ex started off with comments, "women should only see female doctors", "women only go out with other women to attract men" and so on.  I heard them, shrugged and in some way just let him know my view was different.  I kidded myself that that would be the end of it.  It escalated into him showing his misogynistic and controlling ways. I really think he subconsciously hated women. I wish I would have been more like you and questioning my participation in this all together. . only four months in.


I divorced for several reasons.  One of them being I was raising two sons mostly alone, and I didn't want them to think it was ok to be influenced by a man (their Dad) who talked down to me as if women were nothing but hysterical, crazy and in a one down position.  I wanted my sons to view women as equal partners and to be respected.  

I could go on. . but I am glad you are here asking these questions.

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