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My boyfriend keeps making sexist comments. Would be wrong for me to continue this relationship?


Mon_1609
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I know that this is a personal decision but I would love to heard another opinions. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I know that he has been hurt a lot on the past but that is not an excuse for keep saying the things that he says.
He keeps saying that a lot of women just want a men with money but then he says things like “but you are not like other women. You are smart and mature”

Today he was driving me home and I was telling him that my parents gave my sister a car and he said an awful comment that he doesn’t want to have daughters because they are spoiled and I was so upset that I told him that men can also be spoiled and I think he saw that I just hit my limit and promised not to say anything like that again.

I’m at the point where I’m considering ending things because my father is also sexist and I grew up hearing things like that. Am I overreacting?

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Well yeah I think his comments are offensive. I think most women want a man with a job because they want someone who's doing something in their life. And who has money but just in the sense to live on and support his family. I think only a small number of women want a rich guy or sugar daddy and things like that.

Also daughters are not spoiled just because they're a girl based on gender. Some parents spoil their children and the children can also be male. Also what is that comment that he doesn't want to have daughters? You don't actually get to choose the gender of your child, you just get what you get. Unless you adopt.

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8 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well yeah I think his comments are offensive. I think most women want a man with a job because they want someone who's doing something in their life. And who has money but just in the sense to live on and support his family. I think only a small number of women want a rich gut or sugar daddy and things like that.

Also daughters are not spoiled just because they're a girl based on gender. Some parents spoil their children and the children can also be male. Also what is that comment that he doesn't want to have daughters? You don't actually get to choose the gender of your child, you just get what you get. Unless you adopt.

I think his comments are offensive too. But sometimes I think that he has a problem also with men that are spoiled. I was so upset today when he said that comment about daughters being spoiled. I told him that he was being sexist and that men can also be spoiled and I also pointed the fact that his family helps him with his university. He ended up telling that I was right but I’m at this point where I don’t want to see him.

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You know better than us whether this guy is a brute or whether he might actually have learned something from your response and will keep his word.

I'd take some time to cool down, then I'd examine my own feelings. I'd consider what else I know about him and I might have to lose or gain by sticking around to learn more.

However, if I was already conflicted about him, then I wouldn't be losing anything by heeding my feelings about this as my tipping point.

Don't allow us to sway you--just pay attention to your own gut.

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10 minutes ago, Mon_1609 said:

I think his comments are offensive too. But sometimes I think that he has a problem also with men that are spoiled. I was so upset today when he said that comment about daughters being spoiled. I told him that he was being sexist and that men can also be spoiled and I also pointed the fact that his family helps him with his university. He ended up telling that I was right but I’m at this point where I don’t want to see him.

So how old are you and how old is he? How often does he make sexist comments? Do you come from a culture with traditional gender roles? 

The reason why I ask about gender roles is because here in Australia I don't think the gender roles or stereotypes are that strong, or not as strong as they used to be. It's very common for women to work full-time here and even in high paid jobs like doctor. If you go to a medical centre you will see about half or at least a quarter of female doctors there. I think in general in Australia women aren't looking for a rich guy because they're working themselves. So they hust want a guy with a job to contribute their half.

I noticed though when I went on dates with guys from Africa or Asia who live here, they seemed to have very traditional gender roles and actually thought women want a well off and successful guy. One Indian guy straight away on the date began telling me: "I own my own apartment and BMW car, I'm in finance" even though the conversation had nothing to do with it. Then another guy from Vietnam began immediately listing off to me things like: "I own three cars, four investment properties, my own business. I'm very financially secure" etc. They just started telling me that straight away without me asking and I began to feel like it's an expectation in their culture that women are looking for a well off, successful guy. 

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9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So how old are you and how old is he? How often does he make sexist comments? Do you come from a culture with traditional gender roles? 

The reason why I ask about gender roles is because here in Australia I don't think the gender roles or stereotypes are that strong, or not as strong as they used to be. It's very common for women to work full-time here and even in high paid jobs like doctor. If you go to a medical centre you will see about half or at least a quarter of female doctors there. I think in general in Australia women aren't looking for a rich guy because they're working themselves. So they hust want a guy with a job to contribute their half.

I noticed though when I went on dates with guys from Africa or Asia who live here, they seemed to have very traditional gender roles and actually thought women want a well off and successful guy. One Indian guy straight away on the date began telling me: "I own my own apartment and BMW car, I'm in finance" even though the conversation had nothing to do with it. Then another guy from Vietnam began immediately listing off to me things like: "I own three cars, four investment properties, my own business. I'm very financially secure" etc. They just started telling me that straight away without me asking and I began to feel like it's an expectation in their culture that women are looking for a well off, successful guy. 

I’m 25 and he is 26 and we are both from Costa Rica. I know that in Latin America there is still a lot of sexism but I have a job and I pay for my own things whenever we go out.

Im realizing that I will have to let him go. He also make comments about the clothes that I wear sometimes. Just today I was wearing a top with cleavage and he jokingly said that is was going to be “kidnapped” I was hoping that it was going to get better….

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11 minutes ago, Mon_1609 said:

I’m 25 and he is 26 and we are both from Costa Rica. I know that in Latin America there is still a lot of sexism but I have a job and I pay for my own things whenever we go out.

Im realizing that I will have to let him go. He also make comments about the clothes that I wear sometimes. Just today I was wearing a top with cleavage and he jokingly said that is was going to be “kidnapped” I was hoping that it was going to get better….

Well I think even if you have more traditional gender roles but the guy is making a lot of sexist comments, maybe their opinions on this are strong. I mean, there is no need to comment on these things too often. Also if you would like a more progressive and open minded guy then I think that's fine. 

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Sounds as if you already have one foot out the door, where I'm sure no one would blame you.  Keep in mind that verbal abuse can quickly escalate to physical abuse.

My guess is that the chances of this relationship moving forward are slim to none, (imo).  It's high time to leave him in the dust.  You can do much better.

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58 minutes ago, Mon_1609 said:

...Im realizing that I will have to let him go. He also make comments about the clothes that I wear sometimes. Just today I was wearing a top with cleavage and he jokingly said that is was going to be “kidnapped” I was hoping that it was going to get better….

That's understandable. He's been even more offensive than you were able to capture in one post. That's probably not going to get any better because it sounds like who he is.

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Deal-breaker.

When a person makes sexist jokes at the opposite gender, it gives you the real insight of how he views that opposite gender including their partner. He will just say it doesn't include you, but it does! The humour is his way of getting his idea across without taking accountability for his words or facing consequences. And then slowly, it'll start chipping at your self-esteem (which he likes and wants).

You are on point. It's a turn off, red flag, and it can turn ugly. Why be with someone who doesn't respect you and your gender? Why be with someone who is hinting already at controlling you? Why lower the bar so low and set yourself for more needless pain/misery?

You got this!! You may kick his a$$ at anytime... 💅 

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5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So how old are you and how old is he? How often does he make sexist comments? Do you come from a culture with traditional gender roles? 

The reason why I ask about gender roles is because here in Australia I don't think the gender roles or stereotypes are that strong, or not as strong as they used to be. It's very common for women to work full-time here and even in high paid jobs like doctor. If you go to a medical centre you will see about half or at least a quarter of female doctors there. I think in general in Australia women aren't looking for a rich guy because they're working themselves. So they hust want a guy with a job to contribute their half.

I noticed though when I went on dates with guys from Africa or Asia who live here, they seemed to have very traditional gender roles and actually thought women want a well off and successful guy. One Indian guy straight away on the date began telling me: "I own my own apartment and BMW car, I'm in finance" even though the conversation had nothing to do with it. Then another guy from Vietnam began immediately listing off to me things like: "I own three cars, four investment properties, my own business. I'm very financially secure" etc. They just started telling me that straight away without me asking and I began to feel like it's an expectation in their culture that women are looking for a well off, successful guy. 

I agree. Having done a lot of online dating, many men have told me that a lot of women were only interested in how tall they were and how well off they were. They can't all have been lying? It's a bit like how all men are supposedly only after sex. To me, what your boyfriend has said is based on stereotypes, rather than being outright sexist.

Comments like his would annoy me and I would have to either challenge their validity or ask that he keep them to himself. If they're a deal breaker for you, then that's fair enough. 

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5 hours ago, Mon_1609 said:

 I pay for my own things whenever we go out.

Im realizing that I will have to let him go. 

You're right to question being with someone bitter rude and immature.

Why bother debating with him? He has some sort of chip on his shoulder, that's his problem.

Keep in mind his manipulative comments worked because he got you to pay for dates. This isn't some political sexism thing, this is just a manipulative jerk.

Tell him you're not a match and end it. 

There is a school of thought called pick up artist who advocate knocking women down to get what they want. Research pickup artist and "negging".

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Lots of women still do tend to "marry up". Its called hypergamy and its explored as a phenomenon in social science. But it means to go or marry to somebody with higher socio-economic status. That could mean from higher education, to just status and to just money. But "money" doesnt exactly means "rich", just means they prefer men who earn more then them. You boy specifically means "rich". Meaning that he does maybe mean that lots of women are "golddiggers". 

His second comment is just silly. He does realizes that if his daughter ends up spoiled that he would be responsible for that as he would take a part in raising her? 

Anyway, yes, if you are that bothered, you should brake up. There is no point in sustaining that relationship if you get comments like that and are very bothered with them.

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33 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

I agree. Having done a lot of online dating, many men have told me that a lot of women were only interested in how tall they were and how well off they were. They can't all have been lying? It's a bit like how all men are supposedly only after sex. To me, what your boyfriend has said is based on stereotypes, rather than being outright sexist.

Comments like his would annoy me and I would have to either challenge their validity or ask that he keep them to himself. If they're a deal breaker for you, then that's fair enough. 

Well I think it depends on the culture where someone is from maybe. I think in some cultures women expect men to earn more than them or be financially successful. Or in third world countries women are poor so they want to get a guy with money to have a better life for themselves and their family. I guess I was just trying to understand if what this guy was saying is very sexist or it's more like an expectation in their country?

I don't think these kinds of comments would go well in Australia. I would call Australia quite progressive and there are actually a lot of feminists here and even celebrity feminists who are very well known and popular. To my knowledge here most women don't just want a rich guy, but I don't know every woman of course.

In any case I think these comments are stupid. Like, if a woman is dating a guy and she said to him: "All guys just want sex but you're different". It's like, why? The person should know what they're saying is offensive. 

Also she was saying her parents got her sister a car and he said he doesn't want daughters because they're spoiled. That's an extreme comment. I'd personally be thinking if he has something against girls in general? I mean, when you have a child you just get whatever gender you get and you're supposed to be happy and love your child. Some people prefer a particular gender but still wouldn't say: "I don't want a boy" or "I don't want a girl". And as a parent he'd be the one raising the daughter so if she's spoiled it'd be his fault.

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10 hours ago, Mon_1609 said:

I know that this is a personal decision but I would love to heard another opinions. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I know that he has been hurt a lot on the past but that is not an excuse for keep saying the things that he says.
He keeps saying that a lot of women just want a men with money but then he says things like “but you are not like other women. You are smart and mature”

Today he was driving me home and I was telling him that my parents gave my sister a car and he said an awful comment that he doesn’t want to have daughters because they are spoiled and I was so upset that I told him that men can also be spoiled and I think he saw that I just hit my limit and promised not to say anything like that again.

I’m at the point where I’m considering ending things because my father is also sexist and I grew up hearing things like that. Am I overreacting?

He sounds like a very negative person and with the world so upside down sometimes who needs that -the backhanded compliments to you -be careful because given his negative mindset  the second in his head he thinks you're one of "them" all bets are off.  

He is not smart or mature in the ways that count.  Does he have a job? Does he work with women? Does he have a female boss and if he did how would that go? 

I would focus more on the negativity than fact he is targeting women.  Does he also make negative generalized comments about people of backgrounds or religions or races other than his?

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like you said, a personal decision.

I have realized and it might be quite obvious, but saying sexist, racist, homophobic, antisemitic things etc is what these people are. 

You have to decide do you want to be considered what this guy is? You are who you are with.

I know it sucks.  i used to think i could just accept people's differences but I've come to realize accepting whatever is how you lose yourself. 

dump this guy. he's damaged. people who paint with a broad brush. then say "oh but not you" are damaged.

Why not you? It's a total manipulation. it's only when you step out of line, he'll declare you are no better.  

Save yourself. 

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13 hours ago, Mon_1609 said:

I know that this is a personal decision but I would love to heard another opinions. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I know that he has been hurt a lot on the past but that is not an excuse for keep saying the things that he says.
He keeps saying that a lot of women just want a men with money but then he says things like “but you are not like other women. You are smart and mature”

Today he was driving me home and I was telling him that my parents gave my sister a car and he said an awful comment that he doesn’t want to have daughters because they are spoiled and I was so upset that I told him that men can also be spoiled and I think he saw that I just hit my limit and promised not to say anything like that again.

I’m at the point where I’m considering ending things because my father is also sexist and I grew up hearing things like that. Am I overreacting?

Don’t keep seeing him if you find what he says offensive. 

He seems insecure and unsure of himself. Remember that you’re looking at the overall person and their background, where they’re from or what they’re about. What drives this person and what motivates them. 

The comments are disrespectful but they’re also stemming from some other broken and messed up place. You can tell when someone is not at peace with themselves so why would you want to be around that? The whole point of living is to find joy and purpose, make use of yourself and inspire others. You are what you make of yourself. This is so much less about him and more about how you want to live your life. 

Don’t silence yourself for the sake of poor company. Just move on. I wouldn’t bat an eye at this, not even worth it. 

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14 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Don’t keep seeing him if you find what he says offensive. 

He seems insecure and unsure of himself. Remember that you’re looking at the overall person and their background, where they’re from or what they’re about. What drives this person and what motivates them. 

The comments are disrespectful but they’re also stemming from some other broken and messed up place. You can tell when someone is not at peace with themselves so why would you want to be around that? The whole point of living is to find joy and purpose, make use of yourself and inspire others. You are what you make of yourself. This is so much less about him and more about how you want to live your life. 

Don’t silence yourself for the sake of poor company. Just move on. I wouldn’t bat an eye at this, not even worth it. 

Yes. I think he is broken or very damaged. He also says hurtful things about himself. He says things like “he is ***ed up” or that he has been hurt so much that he is cynical. Yesterday when we were arguing, I also told him to stop saying that about himself and that he has a lot of good things. When I said that he has a lot of good things, I thought that he was going to cry and now I think he senses that im pulling away because he is acting all sweet and nice.

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When I was in my early 20s I seriously dated a man in his mid 20s.  Over 30 years ago.

He was negative like this but I was too young to understand how far it went. One year we dated I student taught - I was a college senior - in a really special school in an inner city neighborhood. Oh how I loved working with those students. I told him stories about them and was just thrilled to be watching them learn and getting to teach them.
I was allowed to be in a class photo standing next to the actual teacher. I was so proud. I showed him the photo and the very first thing he said was “oh! Look! There’s a White student !”   I remember being in shock. Near tears. These were like “my kids” - they had my heart. I had no kids of course of my own. He knew how connected I felt to being their student teacher. His comment devastated me. I wish so badly I’d have insisted he genuinely apologize - I think I got some I was joking lame response from him. I was too young and too desperate to be engaged and married to assert myself. To value myself and my values. We ended things shortly after getting engaged.
It’s Iike what your boyfriend said about your sister - your family !! 

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22 minutes ago, Mon_1609 said:

Yes. I think he is broken or very damaged. He also says hurtful things about himself. He says things like “he is ***ed up” or that he has been hurt so much that he is cynical. Yesterday when we were arguing, I also told him to stop saying that about himself and that he has a lot of good things. When I said that he has a lot of good things, I thought that he was going to cry and now I think he senses that im pulling away because he is acting all sweet and nice.

Then he has to work through his issues and it’s up to you to decide if you want to be around someone you can’t align with.

If it’s not working or you have a problem it’s best to speak clearly and tell him that those comments are not appreciated (about women in general). Those are boundaries for your sake and sanity about respect for others, women and yourself. From experience, it’s difficult for people to change the way they think especially if they don’t love themselves or who they are. If he can’t accept himself how does he expect to accept anyone else or whatever the world has to offer? It’s like asking a whale to fly or an eagle to swim. It doesn’t work that way.

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39 minutes ago, Mon_1609 said:

 He says things like “he is ***ed up” or that he has been hurt so much that he is cynical. Yesterday when we were arguing, I also told him to stop saying that about himself and that he has a lot of good things. 

At 16 weeks dating, it's not your job yo be his therapist or help him or fix him. If he is fishing for compliments, or expressing an excuse to treat you badly that's no good either. Cut your losses and free yourself to find someone who is not rude and who treats you well

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