My gf (now ex gf) didn't believe my proposal was real and broke up

[Cherylyn]

There is an enormous difference between your girlfriend being your girlfriend and your girlfriend deciding to become your wife.  As a girlfriend, she has more convenient flexibility to either remain with you or leave you.  She has easier freedom as a girlfriend whereas a wife went through the committed process to be with you legally and should she choose to exit the marriage, it's a longer, more complex legal and or financial navigation and ordeal. 

I hope it works out for you.  I really do.  Just be prepared for all scenarios so nothing will come as a shock to you.

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

There is an enormous difference between your girlfriend being your girlfriend and your girlfriend deciding to become your wife.  As a girlfriend, she has more convenient flexibility to either remain with you or leave you.  She has easier freedom as a girlfriend whereas a wife went through the committed process to be with you legally and should she choose to exit the marriage, it's a longer, more complex legal and or financial navigation and ordeal. 

I hope it works out for you.  I really do.  Just be prepared for all scenarios so nothing will come as a shock to you.

I have to say I agree 100% with this. Traits that might be cute for a girlfriend to indulge are not so cute when it's your husband causing the power to be shut off because he chose to buy himself shoes instead, or coming home from a long day at work to find your husband thought it would be funny to put bubblegum in the front door lock. 

And it's my understanding that you weren't pulling pranks and "forgetting" to pay bills two years ago, but that it's something you continued to do up until she broke up with you.

Do you have a job, BTW? If so, do you pull pranks at work? Do you "forget" to complete tasks?

[Jakeissorry]

I'm back and exhausted now. It was a very long day at work today. I actually have a full time job (supervisor to be exact) and it was only yesterday that I decided to call in sick to fix the issue with my gf. Honestly, I have no issues at work and that's an irony my gf has a hard time understanding. She couldn't understand why I'm a different person in my job than in the relationship and outside of work, why so dedicated and serious in the job but different at home, why I'm not late nor forgetful at work but late on our dates and others things.

I actually have no financial issues and can actually support myself. Hence why I was still able to pay my delayed home bills, buy several shoes,order delivery and still had money for the ring. As to whether I still live with my parents, no I don't but we're only 5-10 minutes away. We live on the same street, same parking lot (shared the same cars too) but different apartment complexes. 

In regards to my housing situation, to make a long story short, I'm living in what used to be late maternal grandpa's house. My mother is also an only child and he included both her and me on his will. However, my mother instead gave it to me so I am the owner. That is my own place since I was 21 and it's only been yesterday since I started organizing the house. My part time job (actually it's more like a hobby for the meanwhile since I don't have a fixed schedule) is actually my father's family business shop, which he wants me to eventually run it one day. 

[Jakeissorry]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you have a job, BTW? If so, do you pull pranks at work? Do you "forget" to complete tasks?

I'm actually serious in the workplace and ironically function well there. My gf gets puzzled by this. She doesn't understand why I'm a different person in my job vs outside of work.

[MissCanuck]

28 minutes ago, Jakeissorry said:

I'm actually serious in the workplace and ironically function well there. My gf gets puzzled by this. She doesn't understand why I'm a different person in my job vs outside of work.

And why are you?

You're actively making choices that you know hurt your girlfriend and damage your relationship (and hurt your financial well-being) No wonder she is not keen to get married. 

You must have some insight into why you don't treat her right, and why you are able to switch this behaviour on and off to suit the context. 

[Jakeissorry]

44 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And why are you?

You're actively making choices that you know hurt your girlfriend and damage your relationship (and hurt your financial well-being) No wonder she is not keen to get married. 

You must have some insight into why you don't treat her right, and why you are able to switch this behaviour on and off to suit the context. 

The more I think about it and analize my former self from 2 years ago, I've come to the conclusion that it was likely an attempt of escaping from anything that reminded me of doing things under pressure and being serious (ex: the time I had to fire someone) for too long. When I wasn't at work anymore, it was my way of reverting back to my carefree, prankster self again but it was another extreme too, mean spirited and childish. It took me a while to realize I was hurting her. I never meant to ruin the relationship. I love her dearly. 

[MissCanuck]

It's not only the pranks, though.

It sounds you like you also disrespect her time by being late and generally not being a responsible, reliable man. 

Where did the idea of set up a fake proposal come from? You haven't explained your thinking on that. It sounds malicious, as I don't buy for a moment that you thought she would see the humour in that. 

[Jakeissorry]

24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not only the pranks, though.

It sounds you like you also disrespect her time by being late and generally not being a responsible, reliable man. 

Where did the idea of set up a fake proposal come from? You haven't explained your thinking on that. It sounds malicious, as I don't buy for a moment that you thought she would see the humour in that. 

I saw a couple fake proposals done on youtube and both seem to treat it as another joke or if the girl was a bit upset, it wouldn't last too long. So I thought I could do the same and did it. 

She was already upset with the prior Covid prank but she didn't think I would have the guts to insult marriage too. When I did that horrible prank, that was when she started changing her views on me, began seeing my other flaws mentioned and haven't felt secured since. I'm working on making it up to her. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I'm actually serious in the workplace and ironically function well there. My gf gets puzzled by this. 

It's really not puzzling at all. You have zero respect for her and think she's an easy target for your sadistic jokes. You can't get away with that at work, so like a typical bully, you find an easy target. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's really not puzzling at all. You have zero respect for her and think she's an easy target for your sadistic jokes. You can't get away with that at work, so like a typical bully, you find an easy target. 

I too don't find it puzzling. It's like when my 13 year old son suddenly gets motivated to get ready to leave the house for something he wants to do vs. has to do - it's typical of a lot of motivation.  Many people behave differently at work and school than "at home" - the problem is your definition of letting it all hang out is being mean to people. 

Someone wrote about an offhand  remark about covid - no - coughing and pretending you have covid is not offhand. It's mean and you wouldn't have done it at work because  you'd have been fired or worse.  I remember last May I was at my husband's graduation ceremony and waiting for him and a woman walked by actually at a distance but coughing and she called out politely "allergies!" - she wanted to make sure everyone around her did not panic or get really scared.  By contrast what you did is no prank - not a carefree prank -please stop sugar coating/lessening what you did to people since you say you want to take steps to change.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

she didn't think I would have the guts to insult marriage too.

Guts? What you did was totally spineless. What's puzzling is that she wasted time on you.

[gamon]

6 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

 I never meant to ruin the relationship. I love her dearly. 

You’ve got a weird definition of the word “love”. You amused yourself at her expense numerous times and had no idea how much pain you were inflicting each and every time. Then the best you can do is a half-assed marriage proposal that she didn’t take seriously, for good reason. This is more than just immaturity. Not sure what it is but it’s not good. 

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I actually have no financial issues and can actually support myself. Hence why I was still able to pay my delayed home bills, buy several shoes,order delivery and still had money for the ring.

That makes it worse. You have the money but choose not to pay your bills. You choose to be late and to be inconsiderate. And it took her breaking up with you to motivate you to "change". It's not a sincere desire to change but rather a ploy to get your girlfriend to take you back. If she does you'll go right back to being irresponsible and inconsiderate toward her.

[Cherylyn]

Know that trust is priceless and precious.  Once trust had been irrevocably broken,  it's extremely difficult if not impossible to revert to how the relationship was under harmonious circumstances.  The problem with lost trust is death of innocence.  Pranks, lying, deceit, betrayal, abuse (mental and / or physical), gaslighting, cheating, stealing, false accusations and the whole lot are very serious offenses which once dispensed, cannot be taken back.  This is why people have to be very careful regarding how they act because once dished out,  people will never forget how you made them feel. 

Sometimes perpetrators are remorseful, contrite and try their best to make sincere amends.  Sometimes perpetrators are forgiven but not to be confused with forgetting.  Some people can move on gradually and slowly as their broken hearts 💔 try to heal and recover. 

Then there are other categories of people myself included who is not willing to take further risks with people who've demonstrated their true blatant, despicable characters to me.  To be tested sorely in that capacity is very difficult if not impossible to ignore.  The reason why some people prefer to dissolve and exit the relationship (or friendship) is because they don't wish to risk disappointment, humiliation and pain in the future.  To them, it's not worth the gamble.  People fear repeat offenders.  The only way to obtain 100% guarantee of no harm is to eliminate risky people from their lives entirely.  That's me and I'm sure this sentiment is universal.  This is human nature and nothing out of the ordinary. 

When you understand human psychology, it's not so puzzling and mysterious to you anymore.  It will all make sense to you. 

An intelligent person learns empathy.  An unintelligent person is in chronic denial mode, gaslights and needs to be eliminated promptly. 

As for you, I hope it works out for you.  If not, know why.  If your girlfriend or anyone did what you've done to your girlfriend and others to YOU,  I highly doubt you would appreciate it.  You would fail to see the humor.  Put yourself in other people's shoes and then the light will turn on in your brain. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I saw a couple fake proposals done on youtube and both seem to treat it as another joke or if the girl was a bit upset, it wouldn't last too long. So I thought I could do the same and did it. 

You did this because you saw it on YouTube? Good grief, man. You realize clout-chasers set this crap up and the woman is in on it, don't you? Please don't tell me you also filmed this, hoping to post it for views. 

12 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

she didn't think I would have the guts to insult marriage too

Guts? Dude. It's got nothing to do with guts and everything to do with a complete lack of respect or empathy, but apparently a desire to hurt her. This is the s**t bullies do. 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

When I did that horrible prank, that was when she started changing her views on me, began seeing my other flaws

[catfeeder]

18 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I'm back and exhausted now. It was a very long day at work today. I actually have a full time job (supervisor to be exact) and it was only yesterday that I decided to call in sick to fix the issue with my gf. Honestly, I have no issues at work and that's an irony my gf has a hard time understanding. She couldn't understand why I'm a different person in my job than in the relationship and outside of work, why so dedicated and serious in the job but different at home, why I'm not late nor forgetful at work but late on our dates and others things.

I actually have no financial issues and can actually support myself. Hence why I was still able to pay my delayed home bills, buy several shoes,order delivery and still had money for the ring. As to whether I still live with my parents, no I don't but we're only 5-10 minutes away. We live on the same street, same parking lot (shared the same cars too) but different apartment complexes. 

In regards to my housing situation, to make a long story short, I'm living in what used to be late maternal grandpa's house. My mother is also an only child and he included both her and me on his will. However, my mother instead gave it to me so I am the owner. That is my own place since I was 21 and it's only been yesterday since I started organizing the house. My part time job (actually it's more like a hobby for the meanwhile since I don't have a fixed schedule) is actually my father's family business shop, which he wants me to eventually run it one day. 

I take back my crack about cleaning your room, and I'm sorry.

You sound like a responsible guy, and you don't need to prove that to any of us--we don't get a vote.

Frankly, I don't view the stuff you've told us as anything horrific. But, again, I don't get a vote. Your GF's perceptions are the ones that matter, but I don't understand why it would take a failed proposal to clue you into her feelings.

Are you sure she hasn't been telling you all along?

And btw--I've paid a bill late now and then. It's not the end of the world, and I have a terrific credit rating. 

[Jakeissorry]

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

That makes it worse. You have the money but choose not to pay your bills. You choose to be late and to be inconsiderate. And it took her breaking up with you to motivate you to "change". It's not a sincere desire to change but rather a ploy to get your girlfriend to take you back. If she does you'll go right back to being irresponsible and inconsiderate toward her.

The due date for the next bill has been written down and I threw away all the old stuff. I did kept my promises of not doing anymore pranks ever since hurting her with the fake proposal so that's a change. I'm going to follow through with the other changes. It's for myself. Once I'm motivated for the better (regardless of the reason), I actually don't revert back.

I hope we can one day look past this. It would mean the world if she accepts my proposal one day but I understand how she feels. She can take all the time. I'm ready whenever she is. 

[Jakeissorry]

16 hours ago, gamon said:

You’ve got a weird definition of the word “love”. You amused yourself at her expense numerous times and had no idea how much pain you were inflicting each and every time. Then the best you can do is a half-assed marriage proposal that she didn’t take seriously, for good reason. This is more than just immaturity. Not sure what it is but it’s not good. 

Our mutual friend and other best friends (all males) said something similar to this too. They called me out on it too. Even one of my friends who is against marriage was upset with me too. Neither of them would do what I did. I deserved it. 

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Know that trust is priceless and precious.  Once trust had been irrevocably broken,  it's extremely difficult if not impossible to revert to how the relationship was under harmonious circumstances.  The problem with lost trust is death of innocence.  Pranks, lying, deceit, betrayal, abuse (mental and / or physical), gaslighting, cheating, stealing, false accusations and the whole lot are very serious offenses which once dispensed, cannot be taken back.  This is why people have to be very careful regarding how they act because once dished out,  people will never forget how you made them feel. 

Sometimes perpetrators are remorseful, contrite and try their best to make sincere amends.  Sometimes perpetrators are forgiven but not to be confused with forgetting.  Some people can move on gradually and slowly as their broken hearts 💔 try to heal and recover. 

Then there are other categories of people myself included who is not willing to take further risks with people who've demonstrated their true blatant, despicable characters to me.  To be tested sorely in that capacity is very difficult if not impossible to ignore.  The reason why some people prefer to dissolve and exit the relationship (or friendship) is because they don't wish to risk disappointment, humiliation and pain in the future.  To them, it's not worth the gamble.  People fear repeat offenders.  The only way to obtain 100% guarantee of no harm is to eliminate risky people from their lives entirely.  That's me and I'm sure this sentiment is universal.  This is human nature and nothing out of the ordinary. 

When you understand human psychology, it's not so puzzling and mysterious to you anymore.  It will all make sense to you. 

An intelligent person learns empathy.  An unintelligent person is in chronic denial mode, gaslights and needs to be eliminated promptly. 

As for you, I hope it works out for you.  If not, know why.  If your girlfriend or anyone did what you've done to your girlfriend and others to YOU,  I highly doubt you would appreciate it.  You would fail to see the humor.  Put yourself in other people's shoes and then the light will turn on in your brain. 

I hope for the best too. Hopefully one day this will be in the past. We have a date this Sunday so that's a fresh start.

[Cherylyn]

12 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I hope for the best too. Hopefully one day this will be in the past. We have a date this Sunday so that's a fresh start.

I hope it all works out for you,  Jake.  This Sunday and always,  patiently listen to her a lot and when it's your turn to speak, don't forget to be very humble and sincere.  Tell her, "I'm sorry."  Lower yourself in attitude.  Tell her that you realize your horrible past mistakes and hope to make it up to her by proving to her that you're a mature, grown, honorable man.  Keep in mind that after being deceived, most people are skeptics.  It takes a very long time to recover from distrust issues.  There will always be deep seeded doubts planted within the deep recesses of your ex-girlfriend's brain. 

It's not only pranking if that wasn't bad enough.  You have layers upon layers of bad judgement calls such as faking Covid which is the same as lying,  bill paying delinquency,  tardiness,  scrambling at the last minute despite having time for advanced preparation and being inconsiderate of not only her but others as well.  It's not a good look, Jake.  You have to realize that your track record speaks volumes and she is wondering, "Is this the type of husband I wish to marry? Will he become constant trouble for me?  Is he my chronic headache?   Can I depend on him?  Or, will he humiliate me as usual?  He's inconsiderate of others.  Does this mean he'll be inconsiderate of me, too?  Is this the type of marriage I desire or not?"  If one fake proposal wasn't disastrous enough, you tested her sorely by doing it again.  It doesn't matter that 2 years had since lapsed.  It's as if someone stole an item from you, waited 2 years and stole from you again.  Would you like it?  It's the same as a person calling me a liar over 5 years ago and decided to call me a liar yet again recently.  What gall.  What nerve.  This was the last straw for me.  I'm done.  Your girlfriend is a better person than I am because if it were me, I would've told you to take a long walk on a short pier. 

I believe some people can turn their lives around by doing a 180 degree turn.  Those are the best case scenarios and I commend those types of people who are intelligent enough to learn emotional intelligence aka empathy.  

Most people I know would never apologize to me in a million years.  They are in chronic denial mode, experts at gaslighting (deflecting / accusing me of being crazy), afflicted with serious mental disorders for which there is no cure and hopeless lost causes in my book. 

Most people such as myself are not risk takers and it's easier to walk away from relationships with painful, disgustingly angry, intolerable histories.  

In your case, I hope you have the outcome you're looking for.  Just know how most people are.  If someone pranked you several times, if they were inconsiderate towards others and not just you, ill prepared, tardy, made late payments and feigned illness, would you like you?  Would you like a person doing all this to YOU?  Would you be amused?  Would you trust them in the future?  I doubt it.  

Remember the Golden Rule:  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  Memorize this quote and if you practice being a decent human being and very moral man from this day forward, life will be better for you.   

[Batya33]

Your friend who is against marriage is against deliberately tricking people. Nothing to do with being for or against marriage. Would someone who is against having a child be for faking a positive pregnancy test and tricking their partner ?  You have an odd sense of ethics. I hope you choose to change and it sounds like you are motivated to put in the effort. 

[Cherylyn]

To your credit, I commend you for being remorseful, Jake.  Most people in my life would never admit to anything let alone be humble enough to actually feel guilty and sincerely apologize to me?  Ha!  Only in my dreams! 

Best of luck to you! 

[Rose Mosse]

On 9/15/2022 at 10:28 PM, Jakeissorry said:

I hope we can one day look past this. It would mean the world if she accepts my proposal one day but I understand how she feels. She can take all the time. I'm ready whenever she is. 

I also hope you’re able to recognize distrust and when you’re no longer compatible with someone instead of remaining in a one sided or deeply dysfunctional relationship “waiting” for someone to regain their trust in you. Be able to cut your losses if you find it’s not working and be honest with yourself. You’re not fooling anyone anymore, so don’t fool yourself too into believing in “waiting” or “she can take all the time”. 

Good luck this Sunday and see how it goes. You have the rest of your life to live. Don’t stay stuck or assume that this is all there is.

[Jakeissorry]

20 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Remember the Golden Rule:  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  Memorize this quote and if you practice being a decent human being and very moral man from this day forward, life will be better for you.   

Thank you Cherylyn I'll keep in mind to that. That's a nice, creative name by the way. I think if I ever have a baby girl I'll name her that. 

[Jakeissorry]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Your friend who is against marriage is against deliberately tricking people. Nothing to do with being for or against marriage. Would someone who is against having a child be for faking a positive pregnancy test and tricking their partner ?  You have an odd sense of ethics. I hope you choose to change and it sounds like you are motivated to put in the effort. 

Good point. Odd sense of ethics? Interesting. I've been told that before in the past multiple times. In the past when I was making a prank and not realizing (I didn't know others were getting bored or irritated) when to stop, one of my friends once pulled me aside and said ''You're a good friend but you can be weird too''.