Confused about dating situation

[Misterer]

Me: 37M, athletic (6'4'' 192lbs), zero experience with women (multiple reasons), introverted, somewhat socially awkward with a bit of social anxiety sprinkled on.

Registered on a local (I live in Europe) "serious" OLD site, got "selected" by a 35F. I'm a tech person, have a good career in an IT field, well established, but my life is otherwise pretty uneventful and basic (but I like that, very peaceful). She has WAY MORE life experience - well travelled, studied in multiple universities, has a phd in humanities, does research work, produced/directed 3 local documentaries, very knowledgeable about arts and culture, much larger social circle, had previous relationships, etc. On paper, a polar opposite of me in terms of interests. We both agreed we have these differences but still decided to meet for a walk. Quite a handful for a first date ever, huh?

However, it wasn't that bad and was even enjoyable, we spent 3h talking (she was talking most of the time). Nothing exploded, no injuries, just a couple of awkward moments. She's quite nerdy too, but a very good communicator and interesting person. I liked her brain a lot, but I wasn't sure if I wanted her sexually. She said she was sitting on the fence also. Since nothing bad happened, we agreed to another date to see if things would start rolling.

We went to a concert after a few days, had a good time. Had 2h+ of conversation afterwards which was nice once again. She had a scheduled meeting very early next morning but for some reason she stayed to talk with me instead of going back home shortly after the concert (she must have sleept like 5h max that night). We walked back to her house (quite a distance) talking about stuff and she was walking her city bike all the way (she didn't allow me to do it) even though she could have simply ridden the bike home by herself. Because of that, I assumed at least some interest here, but at the end of the date she said nothing really changed since the first one. My sexual attraction towards her hasn't inreased either. She said she wouldn't mind a third date, however I'm starting to have my doubts about this especially since it could only happen after at least a couple of weeks.

I feel disappointed about my attraction towards her. I really like her personality (she's introverted too), very self-sufficient, well educated on many topics, no pushover, overall seems like a very decent person. We also agreed on the things we would find important in a relationship. I don't find her face particularly appealing unfortunately (her body is fine), but I'm no Brad Pitt myself either, so that's that. If she jumped me, I wouldn't mind, but I somehow don't have the urge to jump her myself.

There was no sexual escalation during the two dates (no touching except handshakes, very little flirting). She did not send me any signals (or I missed them), so I did not move forward. If I knew she liked me, I probably would have.

I'm also confused about her communication - if she feels no attraction towards me, why stay late and agree to further dates (I did not pay anything for her, so that motive is out of the question)?

Should I go on the third date with her, or should I end it now? Two dates and it doesn't seem like a great start on both sides, so maybe that's a sign we should stop? If I go on the third date, should I try to escalate anyway (even though I don't see signs of her wanting that) or should I wait more? Can I even expect further dates to help build attraction if it hasn't happened yet (it could very well be that feelings take longer to start up when you're older, I'm not sure)? Am I missing something here?

If I end it, I'm pretty sure I won't meet a woman of similar intelectual capacity as her any time soon though which is a shame.

Any advice?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Misterer said:

I don't find her face particularly appealing unfortunately (her body is fine), but I'm no Brad Pitt myself either, so that's that. If she jumped me, I wouldn't mind, but I somehow don't have the urge to jump her myself.

If there is no attraction don't ask her out again. Let it fade or if she contacts you explain that you're not a match.

[DancingFool]

Dating is like that. If you aren't attracted, you aren't attracted. You can't have a romantic relationship with someone you aren't attracted to. You wouldn't mind if she jumped you but ..... that's callous....

Don't ask her for another date and move on to other women. Try to get out of your head a little bit. Less judgmental, more just go see how things are in real life. Most matches you meet will not be a good match. Dating is a marathon not a sprint. 

[Kwothe28]

36 minutes ago, Misterer said:

I'm also confused about her communication - if she feels no attraction towards me, why stay late and agree to further dates (I did not pay anything for her, so that motive is out of the question)?

 

You need to know that different people have different motivation. Not everybody would be interested in dating you. Some would just be bored, others would seek attention etc. She, no matter how she presents it, sounds like has nothing going on for her. So you, as a distraction, going to the concert with her, keeping her company, is a nice addition and a change from her probably just sitting lonely at home. For example, if she has other prospects, you would probably get the leg after first date. But like this you are a fine solution to her loneliness. Until somebody else shows up.

Anyway, dont get on 3rd date with somebody like that. If you are going to date you will need to discard "time wasters". Aka people who would just waste your time like that without ever wanting to be with you. You would match somebody who would actually be interested in being with you and you with them. This one is not it.

[Batya33]

When I was dating my rule was if by the 4th date we hadn't kissed OR I didn't have the desire to kiss him that was it.  And that was if I was on the fence.  I know of several happy couples where one or both told me they didn't feel the spark right away -took a few dates -and then boom.  I had this happen sort of where I was platonic friends with a man for about a year - but we didn't spend much time in person. 

Talked by phone (I met him through his brother who I worked with and was good platonic friends with) - and one day -almost a year later - he asked if I wanted to get sushi with him.  Not a "date" really.  That evening all of a sudden I was attracted -a lot (he was very overweight which was usually a dealbreaker to me so I never even considered any potential) -and I remained really really attracted the entire time we dated - 5 months.  So I guess it can happen later

[catfeeder]

What do you have to lose?

There really is no 'wrong' answer. If it's time that's super valuable to you, and you're really not motivated enough to spend it with her, then there you are.

But if you 'like' this person as you might for a same gender friendship, then you could enjoy another outing.

I, myself, have been challenging my own beliefs that I can sense attraction and simpatico with someone in a very short time. I've since been around couples who's culture has arranged their marriages, and they've been candid about their awkward and not-so-great beginnings. They're humorous, good natured and happy examples of mature companionate love.

I'm inspired by them, and I'd like to put myself into the mature category rather than hold onto my youthful biases.

It sounds as though you might be expecting early sex, Is that true?

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, Misterer said:

Can I even expect further dates to help build attraction if it hasn't happened yet (it could very well be that feelings take longer to start up when you're older, I'm not sure)? Am I missing something here?

If I end it, I'm pretty sure I won't meet a woman of similar intelectual capacity as her any time soon though which is a shame.

If I was that woman, and knew what went on in your mind, I would want you to tell me you don't feel the connection ASAP so I could move onto someone who felt crazy about me. You'd basically be settling, because you're wishing you could be as excited about her looks as you do about her brain.

I guess for everyone it's different on how fast they feel chemistry. My norm was actually within minutes. Only once did it take a few hours, because physically he was skinnier than I like, but his personality made his attraction level raise.

I'd never want anyone looking at me and thinking, "meh." You had a few halfway decent dates. It's not impossible to find exactly who you are looking for. Keep on putting in that effort. This was practice for you, and don't feel like compatibility in hobbies, etc. is a must-have. My husband and I have totally different hobbies, but we have other leisure activities we like doing together. Good luck.

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you two would be great friends but nothing else.

She enjoys your company and you enjoy hers but you are on the site to meet someone to be in a relationship with not buddies.

 If you are okay with being friends with her then let her know there are no romantic sparks but if she would like to be platonic friends then...

 Don't ghost her, just text her letting her know it was nice meeting her but unfortunately there were not the sparks you were hoping for.

No confusion really.  No attraction is a deal breaker no matter how well you get along otherwise.

 Lost

PS It is great you are getting out there so keep it up and learn as you go.

[MissCanuck]

This isn't a match, OP. 

You aren't feeling it. She isn't feeling it. A third date won't make it happen. You two sound like you would make good buddies but not a couple. 

[jul-els]

If you’re interested in her as a platonic friend, you should call her. If not, you shouldn’t. There doesn’t seem to be much more to it than that. 

[smackie9]

Stop the dates, and just say tho you have lots in common, you don't feel any chemistry between you. She will probably exhale at that point and be relieved. You can offer friendship because it's hard to find people who are like minded. Best of luck in what you choose.

[Debbiere]

On 8/30/2022 at 11:58 PM, Misterer said:

Me: 37M, athletic (6'4'' 192lbs), zero experience with women (multiple reasons), introverted, somewhat socially awkward with a bit of social anxiety sprinkled on.

Registered on a local (I live in Europe) "serious" OLD site, got "selected" by a 35F. I'm a tech person, have a good career in an IT field, well established, but my life is otherwise pretty uneventful and basic (but I like that, very peaceful). She has WAY MORE life experience - well travelled, studied in multiple universities, has a phd in humanities, does research work, produced/directed 3 local documentaries, very knowledgeable about arts and culture, much larger social circle, had previous relationships, etc. On paper, a polar opposite of me in terms of interests. We both agreed we have these differences but still decided to meet for a walk. Quite a handful for a first date ever, huh?

However, it wasn't that bad and was even enjoyable, we spent 3h talking (she was talking most of the time). Nothing exploded, no injuries, just a couple of awkward moments. She's quite nerdy too, but a very good communicator and interesting person. I liked her brain a lot, but I wasn't sure if I wanted her sexually. She said she was sitting on the fence also. Since nothing bad happened, we agreed to another date to see if things would start rolling.

We went to a concert after a few days, had a good time. Had 2h+ of conversation afterwards which was nice once again. She had a scheduled meeting very early next morning but for some reason she stayed to talk with me instead of going back home shortly after the concert (she must have sleept like 5h max that night). We walked back to her house (quite a distance) talking about stuff and she was walking her city bike all the way (she didn't allow me to do it) even though she could have simply ridden the bike home by herself. Because of that, I assumed at least some interest here, but at the end of the date she said nothing really changed since the first one. My sexual attraction towards her hasn't inreased either. She said she wouldn't mind a third date, however I'm starting to have my doubts about this especially since it could only happen after at least a couple of weeks.

I feel disappointed about my attraction towards her. I really like her personality (she's introverted too), very self-sufficient, well educated on many topics, no pushover, overall seems like a very decent person. We also agreed on the things we would find important in a relationship. I don't find her face particularly appealing unfortunately (her body is fine), but I'm no Brad Pitt myself either, so that's that. If she jumped me, I wouldn't mind, but I somehow don't have the urge to jump her myself.

There was no sexual escalation during the two dates (no touching except handshakes, very little flirting). She did not send me any signals (or I missed them), so I did not move forward. If I knew she liked me, I probably would have.

I'm also confused about her communication - if she feels no attraction towards me, why stay late and agree to further dates (I did not pay anything for her, so that motive is out of the question)?

Should I go on the third date with her, or should I end it now? Two dates and it doesn't seem like a great start on both sides, so maybe that's a sign we should stop? If I go on the third date, should I try to escalate anyway (even though I don't see signs of her wanting that) or should I wait more? Can I even expect further dates to help build attraction if it hasn't happened yet (it could very well be that feelings take longer to start up when you're older, I'm not sure)? Am I missing something here?

If I end it, I'm pretty sure I won't meet a woman of similar intelectual capacity as her any time soon though which is a shame.

Any advice?

Girls can look at the man with whom they are planning a serious relationship for quite a long time. I myself am the same. I feel attraction after a long time, several months, but this attraction is strong and long. Perhaps the girl has something similar. Or you, too, must take a long time before you want to spend time with a girl in bed.
I understand that everyone has their own experience in such matters, I personally have such. I never chased after sex, I tried to get to know a person as close as possible. But if you are uncomfortable in this mode and you think that you are wasting a lot of time - give yourself and the girl a chance to find a more suitable partner. Good luck