The guy who was seeing before keeps coming back to me.

[Confused girl 55]

I met him a year ago at the cafe he works. It was a weird encounter because i felt something really strong connection between me and him. However, i didn’t know what to do. After a month later when I came to his cafe, he came to my table and gave me his number. He told me he felt a connection with me as well and would want to get to know me. I was surprised because I learned he felt the same way. Then, we started to date for a little, but i was in the process of separation with my husband so it was a bit complicated situation at that time. Long story short, we were seeing for a while, then i was tired of his hot and cold attitude, so i left him. Then after a few weeks, he came back to me and we got together…. we had been on and off like that for a year.

Now he got a gf 4 months ago, we haven’t seen each other since then. But we met last week for our first time since he got a gf. He told me he still hasn’t fully moved on, he is still fantasizing about we are being together blah. How much he missed me…. We just kissed but no sex. 

 

He told me he is confused by his feelings and he doesn’t know what he wants. (He said he likes his gf but he still thinks about me.) But he never fully being together with me for a year. I just don’t understand his intention. What do you guys think about his attitude? Does he just need my attention? I’m 11 years older than him and we are really different. My guess is he likes me but he knows we can’t be together?? We have a strong connection we can’t ignore… Thank you for reading my post 🙂 

[MissCanuck]

He's just playing with you. 

Stay away from guys like this. He's bad news. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Confused girl 55 said:

 i was in the process of separation with my husband so it was a bit complicated situation at that time. . 

 I’m 11 years older than him and we are really different. 

Are you still married? It's ok to have a crush and need attention from a younger man while you navigate your divorce, but it was just a passing fancy. Find a different coffee shop.

[Confused girl 55]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still married? It's ok to have a crush and need attention from a younger man while you navigate your divorce, but it was just a passing fancy. 

Thanks for your advice. I am technically still married but I and my partner were over since 2018, and my partner understands the situation. (no romantic relationship but we are married for our kid.) 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Confused girl 55 said:

 no romantic relationship but we are married for our kid.

So you're not separated or divorced, just "roommates"? While it may have been flattering to have a younger man pay some attention, that's not going to compensate for a bad marriage. 

[Batya33]

He knows it's safe to keep hooking up with you when he feels like it because you're married -it's not technical - you are still married, married people cannot date.  You're married "for your child" - married people often prioritize finances or their child over being divorced and single.  That is your choice to be married and it is not your choice to date right now especially since you have a child to be concerned about -you are the role model when it comes to ethics, values, etc. 

There's this really hard thing called child custody -you need a lawyer for that often -but that is how married people with children get unmarried and also act in the best interests of their children.  It's hard but doable.  If you're telling yourself it's not doable then there are other reasons you are still married.  This man is unavailable to you.  He's not that into you, and you're not available to date.  So I'd stop imagining that this connection means that you're compatible for the long term.  After you've been legally divorced for a year perhaps see if he is single and interested.  Start over then.

If there is this strong connection it will still be there and also have a strong stomach because he's cheating on his girlfriend while kissing you and willing to date a married woman - so be ready to feel nervous and clingy.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Confused girl 55 said:

I just don’t understand his intention.

He wants sex on the side. Its not really that profound nore is he "confused". He served you a nice story and you felt for it. But its just a story, not his true feelings. If you want to date, get away from men like that. Delete and block and dont look back.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Confused girl 55 said:

I am technically still married but I and my partner were over since 2018, and my partner understands the situation. (no romantic relationship but we are married for our kid.) 

Does this mean you still live together?

If so, you need to understand that no guy will want to date you while you're still living with your not-yet-ex husband. 

[Cherylyn]

Ignore him.   He's not worth it. 

[Confused girl 55]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Does this mean you still live together?

 

You are right nobody wanna date with the person who is still married. I agree with that. We were separated but now we live together as a roommate because of financial reason and our child’s mental health😔 I’m a child psychologist so i’m focusing on my child’s mental stability… 

[catfeeder]

Oh, he's not confused. He's keeping you on deck for backup sex.

Don't fall for the romantic ruse, he's using it because it 'works'.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Confused girl 55 said:

now we live together as a roommate because of financial reason and our child’s mental health😔 I’m a child psychologist so i’m focusing on my child’s mental stability… 

And you are free to do what works for you. 

But you also need to be realistic that most men (including this one) will not see you as serious dating material while you are living with your husband in any capacity. 

You won't be able to have it both ways. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Confused girl 55 said:

You are right nobody wanna date with the person who is still married. I agree with that. We were separated but now we live together as a roommate because of financial reason and our child’s mental health😔 I’m a child psychologist so i’m focusing on my child’s mental stability… 

But if you're focusing on your child's mental stability isn't it a bit distracting from this goal to focus on some fantasy connection with a man because "he keeps coming back to me?" - and wouldn't it be really confusing to her if she sees you with this man or hears you talking to him while you're married to her father?

[Rose Mosse]

13 hours ago, Confused girl 55 said:

I met him a year ago at the cafe he works. It was a weird encounter because i felt something really strong connection between me and him. However, i didn’t know what to do. After a month later when I came to his cafe, he came to my table and gave me his number. He told me he felt a connection with me as well and would want to get to know me. I was surprised because I learned he felt the same way. Then, we started to date for a little, but i was in the process of separation with my husband so it was a bit complicated situation at that time. Long story short, we were seeing for a while, then i was tired of his hot and cold attitude, so i left him. Then after a few weeks, he came back to me and we got together…. we had been on and off like that for a year.

Now he got a gf 4 months ago, we haven’t seen each other since then. But we met last week for our first time since he got a gf. He told me he still hasn’t fully moved on, he is still fantasizing about we are being together blah. How much he missed me…. We just kissed but no sex. 

 

He told me he is confused by his feelings and he doesn’t know what he wants. (He said he likes his gf but he still thinks about me.) But he never fully being together with me for a year. I just don’t understand his intention. What do you guys think about his attitude? Does he just need my attention? I’m 11 years older than him and we are really different. My guess is he likes me but he knows we can’t be together?? We have a strong connection we can’t ignore… Thank you for reading my post 🙂 

He’s flaky and both of you are not actually 100% available. 

What’s the timeline for divorcing your husband? Have a goal and end the marriage. 

[Confused girl 55]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

And you are free to do what works for you. 

But you also need to be realistic that most men (including this one) will not see you as serious dating material while you are living with your husband in any capacity. 

You won't be able to have it both ways. 

Thank you. That’s so true. I think that’s the one of the reason, this guy acts this way. He can’t be sure 100% with me because of my situation. So it’s not only his fault to create this situation. It is my fault too. I didn’t put much detail to my post, but he really cares about me.

 

I’ve never noticed but unconsciously this situation is convenient for me too. Not too serious but not too casual…. Thank you again. 

[Confused girl 55]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

But if you're focusing on your child's mental stability isn't it a bit distracting from this goal to focus on some fantasy connection with a man because "he keeps coming back to me?" - and wouldn't it be really confusing to her if she sees you with this man or hears you talking to him while you're married to her father?

Good point. I never brought him to my family and kid, and I’ve never talked about this guy in front of my child. 

My priority is my child, my life is not only mine. I believe my life situation is affecting to my child. So i’m really mindful of that. That’s why i’m indecisive what I want to do. But now I kinda know what I need to do. Thank you for your advice! 

[Confused girl 55]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

He’s flaky and both of you are not actually 100% available. 

What’s the timeline for divorcing your husband? Have a goal and end the marriage. 

You are right. I think i’m the part of the reason to create this situation as well.

Maybe we both just enjoy this thrill and confusion. However, it’s been a year, and I know I need to move on. Thank you.

[SooSad33]

You stay away & stop giving in to someone so flaky!

Learn to be okay on your own and focus on your own situation.

In the year together, you two were never a real item, right? ( you were off and on?).  Then you were just his side chick- temporarily).. Look clearly!  He has a gf now.  You should be nowhere near him again!

Like I said, focus on where YOU are at this point.  Still married 'for the child'?  No.

Parents often assume kids don't know anything.  They do!

So, how about you work on  dealing with all you've got going on at home.  Look into finding your own place, and caring for your child in a more stable setting- not where they're constantly exposed to a broken home ( and parents) 😕 .

And also work on accepting your marriage is done. Is time to work through all of that.  And you also need to work on being okay 'alone'.. on your own ( single).  I feel that is best for you at this time of your life.  Get yourself back to good and being okay alone. ( Not from a broken marriage on into another relationship-- how is YOUR mentality?) 😕 .

Sadly, I was taken advantage of, being vulnerable after my long term relationship had failed.  I do regret doing it now, and I had to learn.  Today, I am single again, for a good while ( 3+ years) and am fine with that.  I have no expectations, no stress etc. all good 🙂 .  

Remember, self care.  Take care of YOU so you can be there for your child. ❤️ 

[Confused girl 55]

7 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

You stay away & stop giving in to someone so flaky!

Learn to be okay on your own and focus on your own situation.

In the year together, you two were never a real item, right? ( you were off and on?).  Then you were just his side chick- temporarily).. Look clearly!  He has a gf now.  You should be nowhere near him again!

Like I said, focus on where YOU are at this point.  Still married 'for the child'?  No.

Parents often assume kids don't know anything.  They do!

So, how about you work on  dealing with all you've got going on at home.  Look into finding your own place, and caring for your child in a more stable setting- not where they're constantly exposed to a broken home ( and parents) 😕 .

And also work on accepting your marriage is done. Is time to work through all of that.  And you also need to work on being okay 'alone'.. on your own ( single).  I feel that is best for you at this time of your life.  Get yourself back to good and being okay alone. ( Not from a broken marriage on into another relationship-- how is YOUR mentality?) 😕 .

Sadly, I was taken advantage of, being vulnerable after my long term relationship had failed.  I do regret doing it now, and I had to learn.  Today, I am single again, for a good while ( 3+ years) and am fine with that.  I have no expectations, no stress etc. all good 🙂 .  

Remember, self care.  Take care of YOU so you can be there for your child. ❤️ 

Wow you are amazing. Thank you so much for taking time to write a message and thinking about me. I really appreciate it. You are right, now i know what i need to do. I’ll talk to my partner about our situation and more focus on me and my child.

This guy was single but he has a child who is same age as my kid. He also wants to have another kid in the future  but I don’t want to have a baby anymore. There are many complications in our relationship, so we know we should not see each other anymore. (We’ve talked about our future a lot.) But somehow we always text and start to talk again and again…. yikes. We both know we should not be together, but I assume that kind of suppressing makes us want to see each other again. But I think i’m ready to move on. 

Thank you for sharing your experience as well. Now you are stronger than before and I’m proud of you. Thank you again!! 

[boltnrun]

My parents stayed together "for the children". It was an absolute disaster. Between us kids there are three divorces and multiple failed relationships. We didn't know how to have a healthy love relationship because we never saw one.

Please reconsider staying together and living as roommates and having stealth affairs. 

Think about your child. Do you want your child to have a relationship like yours? You can be a strong, independent single woman which would be a great example for your child.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Confused girl 55 said:

Wow you are amazing. Thank you so much for taking time to write a message and thinking about me. I really appreciate it. You are right, now i know what i need to do. I’ll talk to my partner about our situation and more focus on me and my child.

This guy was single but he has a child who is same age as my kid. He also wants to have another kid in the future  but I don’t want to have a baby anymore. There are many complications in our relationship, so we know we should not see each other anymore. (We’ve talked about our future a lot.) But somehow we always text and start to talk again and again…. yikes. We both know we should not be together, but I assume that kind of suppressing makes us want to see each other again. But I think i’m ready to move on. 

Thanks 😉 .. But, in the end, it is ourselves we do need to  focus on.  

As you do realize now, is that you two are not compatible.. and just knowing him for a year off & on- should be NO mention of kids at all.  Nope, not with some wishy washy dude.  No stablilty there.

Also, he is with someone now and should NOT be continuing anything with you.  That's sad that he's acting this way!  How she'd feel knowing he's doing this 😕 .

Is time to just be done.  No more contact. As you see it is affecting your ability to move on & just be done with this.

 

"There are many complications in our relationship"

- As for this, you don't have a relationship.  It was not real.  And he's moved on..right?  Let it go.

Focus on YOU now, as I mentioned.  You do NOT need to be involved at this time.  But deal with all you've already got going on presently ( divorce etc?).

Get used to being on your own again, it is possible. I've been there a number of times (without the need of being in a relationship).  I know I do not have the ability at this time mentally or emotionally to be involved again, nor do I want to.  There's expectations and it takes your time & energy etc.

Take your time to work through all of this.  Spend some good time with your child.. be easy on yourself.

 

One day at a time. 😉 

[catfeeder]

On 8/1/2022 at 5:35 PM, Confused girl 55 said:

I think that’s the one of the reason, this guy acts this way. He can’t be sure 100% with me because of my situation.

I can appreciate why you'd want to assign no fault to the guy, but what does it say about his willingness to mess with a wife and mother, still living with her husband and children?

This isn't about villainizing anyone--it's about the practicality of your choices and behavior.

This is not a moral finger-wag--the key word is 'practical'. 

Consider your relationship with husband and what your behavior together will teach your children about what they can expect from loving relationships as they grow?

Even babies who are pre-verbal begin forming their attachment maps from how they are treated AND what they observe of their parents' love for one another.

If your interactions with your husband are not models of love for your children, you are not benefitting them by staying in a loveless household.

Isn't that more important to consider than some flakey lover?

 

 

 

[Confused girl 55]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My parents stayed together "for the children". It was an absolute disaster. Between us kids there are three divorces and multiple failed relationships. We didn't know how to have a healthy love relationship because we never saw one.

Please reconsider staying together and living as roommates and having stealth affairs. 

Think about your child. Do you want your child to have a relationship like yours? You can be a strong, independent single woman which would be a great example for your child.

Thank you for sharing your past experience. I really started to consider to have a serious talk with my partner. I’ll make a decision very soon. 

[MissCanuck]

47 minutes ago, Confused girl 55 said:

I really started to consider to have a serious talk with my partner.

Who do you mean by "partner"?

I thought he was your ex? Interesting choice of word. 

[Confused girl 55]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Thanks 😉 .. But, in the end, it is ourselves we do need to  focus on.  

As you do realize now, is that you two are not compatible.. and just knowing him for a year off & on- should be NO mention of kids at all.  Nope, not with some wishy washy dude.  No stablilty there.

Also, he is with someone now and should NOT be continuing anything with you.  That's sad that he's acting this way!  How she'd feel knowing he's doing this 😕 .

Is time to just be done.  No more contact. As you see it is affecting your ability to move on & just be done with this.

 

"There are many complications in our relationship"

- As for this, you don't have a relationship.  It was not real.  And he's moved on..right?  Let it go.

Focus on YOU now, as I mentioned.  You do NOT need to be involved at this time.  But deal with all you've already got going on presently ( divorce etc?).

Get used to being on your own again, it is possible. I've been there a number of times (without the need of being in a relationship).  I know I do not have the ability at this time mentally or emotionally to be involved again, nor do I want to.  There's expectations and it takes your time & energy etc.

Take your time to work through all of this.  Spend some good time with your child.. be easy on yourself.

 

One day at a time. 😉 

Yes, I’ll do my best. I will more focus on myself and my child.

He is not worth to put my positive energy!