I want to find true love and commitment

[Alex39]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When I met up with my husband 7 years after our broken engagement it was a last minute catch up dinner.  So I didn't have my makeup with me at work.  I was wearing a fitted gap t-shirt and pants.  It was so bloody hot out.  I looked quite plain.  He arrived flushed and sweaty because he'd gone to the wrong restaurant and was late.  It didn't matter.  At all.  Sparks flew.  Surprised us both. 

Want to know what we talked about at length -how we couldn't stand how certain of our friends now sent holiday cards that were simply a photo of their family with a printed signature.  We were like -should we take a photo of our latest creation - whether something we'd written or something else -and send that??  And..... yup we do the same now except we write personal notes on the back LOL.  So that was our deep convo - and we shared chocolate pudding -he insisted I share his.  We reminisced, caught up, etc. 

It wasn't really flirty, there was some banter (I'm really good at both) - it was a platonic dinner.  But sparks flew.  See -it doesn't need to be this whole show of makeup and banter for sparks to fly.  It's fun to banter and flirt - it's a good thing -but as long as you show up on time, look nice and act nice and make good eye contact and have interesting things to say - it's not rocket science because either you will click or you won't - you won't if you show up as unkempt Debbie Downer of course but please don't think you have to entertain your date to that extent.  

Wow I love this story. 

You felt you looked plain, you were both super sweaty and hot. He was late, but none of those things ruined it. I loved your conversation, laughing about everyone's family holiday cards. 

See I was raised by my mother to seek perfection. To look amazing, to look perfectly kept, to look your best.  Because if I don't and it doesn't go well it must have been how I looked or how I sat in my chair or how I was hot or sweaty or I spoke too fast. And I fear turning a guy away, because it was ingrained in my head. My mother is always saying-

you're slouching, no wonder no guy is interested

You are talking way too fast, stop that

Your outfit isn't flattering, no guy is going to look your way

Do you want to meet a man? Then stop saying that like that

It's endless. 

To go on a date, I do my hair very nicely, spending at least an hour. I put on makeup, but not lots. I like looking naturally pretty

I wear my best outfit. I put on extra Deodorant, I try to stand tall with good posture, smile a lot, act cute, tease a bit if I can, I try to impress. That is my goal impress, impress, impress. 

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

To go on a date, I do my hair very nicely, spending at least an hour. I put on makeup, but not lots. I like looking naturally pretty

I wear my best outfit. I put on extra Deodorant, I try to stand tall with good posture, smile a lot, act cute, tease a bit if I can, I try to impress. That is my goal impress, impress, impress. 

So did I  - (but this wasn't a date -it was a last minute catch up dinner and he was going to be leaving town again at some point) - I also spent time but less so for a first meet, depending on who/where, etc.  I also liked the ivory girl look lol.  I would repeat the mantra in my head "you are glamorous" as I walked into a restaurant because if I was nervous I'd be klutzy lol.  

Most people are turned off by perfect - especially if it looks like the woman is trying to be perfect.  Or guy actually.  It works for eye candy, for a trophy on your arm -but for sparking, connecting? Not so much.  Even with little kids -I'll admire a toddler all dolled up till perfection but I'll bond with the young child who's obviously been having a blast getting dirty and is beaming and sparkling.

[greendots]

Like you Alex, I'm facing a similar situation of not finding a suitable man. Just wanted to say that I'm learning heaps from other well-versed posters in this thread. 🙂

I will add this though, the times I've met potential men was when being part of a class, group or when volunteering. Having similar interests helped to get the ball rolling. So I definitely would encourage you to give that a go. All the best in your search!

[maritalbliss86]

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

See I was raised by my mother to seek perfection. To look amazing, to look perfectly kept, to look your best.  Because if I don't and it doesn't go well it must have been how I looked or how I sat in my chair or how I was hot or sweaty or I spoke too fast. And I fear turning a guy away, because it was ingrained in my head. My mother is always saying-

My mom said some similar things... but real life experience taught me differently.  My husband swears he's insanely attracted to me when I look what I'd call, "bad," (hair not perfect at all... sloppy clothes of all things... maybe some glasses on... ) he says it turns him on somehow and it makes absolutely no sense to me.

So don't worry about always looking perfect 🙂 if anything, maybe showing you have beauty without trying is a turn on for men (I guess?).  Either way, I don't think it always matters.

I hope you find someone and find happiness.  I've read your posts about your mom and she is cruel and abusive toward you.  Some of her advice may be right... but then even a broken clock it, "right," 2x a day - doesn't mean much when you can't trust what she says in general.

[Wiseman2]

What are you doing to meet men? Taking any classes or courses? Golf, dancing, yoga, tai chi, cooking, etc.? Volunteering? Joining groups and clubs? Paid relationship-based dating apps such as eHarmony? Or other paid quality apps? Your criteria are fine but you need to make an effort to meet men rather than go on about being a work in progress.

[bluecastle]

16 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My mother is always saying-

you're slouching, no wonder no guy is interested

You are talking way too fast, stop that

Your outfit isn't flattering, no guy is going to look your way

Do you want to meet a man? Then stop saying that like that

It's endless. 

I just want to say that I'm very sorry your mother treats you like this, in this regard. I understand you two are close—and see that your ideal partner is someone who will become braided up with your family, go on occasional trips, all of which is lovely—but I would really, really try to find a way to distance yourself from this corrosive nonsense.

Life should never revolve around doing things to make others like you, be they friends or  guys. That in and of itself is a pretty unattractive quality. Sure, the super duper hotties who are driven by that kind of insecurity will get attention, but even then it tends to be waning, temporary. Makes sense: people ultimately want to connect to other people, and the focus on what to do to be attractive invariably replaces your actual, full self with a series of tropes. 

All in all, meeting the right person, connecting, involves luck. Luck and a spirit of openness—not just openness to "love," but to all the wonders (and horrors!) of humans and the wild, clumsy, thrilling, terrifying, disappointing, and affirming (among other things) experiment of connecting with humans. This level openness comes more naturally to some than to others, but it is, in and of itself, a kind of commitment, a practice. It is also, I think, something people gravitate toward.

Another way to think about this is: here you've been thinking lots about this, doing lots about this, getting the house just so, working on the fitness level, and, at least in part, gauging the success of all that on the question of whether it is attracting guys. And here you are frustrated at where that it is not "working." So I say try a new approach, where you throw that whole conceit out the window for a stretch, be you, cultivate a spirit of openness, and see how that lands. 

 

[Needinghelp101]

4 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

All in all, meeting the right person, connecting, involves luck. Luck and a spirit of openness—not just openness to "love," but to all the wonders (and horrors!) of humans and the wild, clumsy, thrilling, terrifying, disappointing, and affirming (among other things) experiment of connecting with humans. This level openness comes more naturally to some than to others, but it is, in and of itself, a kind of commitment, a practice. It is also, I think, something people gravitate toward.

Another way to think about this is: here you've been thinking lots about this, doing lots about this, getting the house just so, working on the fitness level, and, at least in part, gauging the success of all that on the question of whether it is attracting guys. And here you are frustrated at where that it is not "working." So I say try a new approach, where you throw that whole conceit out the window for a stretch, be you, cultivate a spirit of openness, and see how that lands. 

 

Very wise and beautiful!

[Batya33]

49 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I just want to say that I'm very sorry your mother treats you like this, in this regard. I understand you two are close—and see that your ideal partner is someone who will become braided up with your family, go on occasional trips, all of which is lovely—but I would really, really try to find a way to distance yourself from this corrosive nonsense.

I agree -I was surprised you listed as a priority going on family vacations with your family, under the circumstances.  Why does it need to be a vacation as opposed to a daytime or evening visit now and again? 

When my parents married they were in their early 20s.  Mid 1950s. My mom lived with her parents and grandparents until moving in with her new husband.  Her routine was to go to see her family and extended family every Sunday for lunch and a loooonng afternoon.  Many of them spoke the language of the "old country".  My mom was born in the states, spoke English and understood that other language. 

My dad spoke only English and had no idea what anyone else was saying and found the whole day extremely boring.  He loved going to museums, trying a new restaurant, going to parks.  He worked a lot so Sundays were special.  So early on he told my mother - no more weekly family things - I think he agreed to once a month or so.  As did my mom.  My mom was 21 years old -she really didn't "get it" but she got that her allegiance was to her husband.  Worked out fine.  

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My mother is always saying-

you're slouching, no wonder no guy is interested

You are talking way too fast, stop that

Your outfit isn't flattering, no guy is going to look your way

Do you want to meet a man? Then stop saying that like that

Look around any supermarket. Not a ton of beauty queens, yet many with partners. You need to make an effort to stop being in lockstep with your mother and hang out with young single people.

For example, why vacation with your mother? A close knit family is great, but men will be put off by someone who refuses to cut the umbilical cord. No man wants to marry you and your mother.

[Wonderstruck]

5 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Life should never revolve around doing things to make others like you, be they friends or guys. That in and of itself is a pretty unattractive quality. Sure, the super duper hotties who are driven by that kind of insecurity will get attention, but even then it tends to be waning, temporary.

THIS.

Instead of being so focused on trying to get the guys to like YOU and trying to live up to THEIR standards, you should actually be evaluating whether or not you like THEM and whether or not they live up to YOUR standards.

For instance, I was happy to see that you DID list some of your own personal deal-breakers in an earlier comment in this post. That's so important.

[waffle]

To  be fair, the theme of the first post is "I'm a good catch, why can't I find a good man?" so I didn't get the impression that she was having trouble appealing to men in general, but wondering where the GOOD ones are.

Which is a valid question.

[catfeeder]

On 7/22/2022 at 10:49 AM, smackie9 said:

Everyone is right...guys do not put importance on financial stability, etc...it's about attractiveness, as shallow as that sounds.

It's not all about having these things to appear attractive, it's that having them is a foundational feeling of confidence for you. THAT is the opposite of trying to shop around and snag a guy while feeling worthless, and that confidence is attractive to all good people and more good things.

Grasp supply and demand. There are increasing numbers of educated, successful women. This creates an abundance for men, so they don't 'need' to become relationship material until they are ready. Trying to 'convert' anyone who wants 'casual' is a waste of your time and fertility years.

As for online dating--it's pretty much how most people find dates these days, but with one key element. Use it as a 'speed meeting' tool rather than a 'date-finding' one.

Use it to screen OUT bad matches, and then quick-meet over coffee to screen even further. State up front that you're dating to find a match for a long term relationship, and screen OUT anyone who doesn't know or wants 'casual'. Agree that neither can corner the other to set a full date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward--if the answer is NO, then no response is necessary.

Set up a few of these quick meets each week with low expectations beyond enjoying a quick coffee with a stranger on your way home from work. Then you have nothing to lose is you're stood up--just take your coffee with you and focus on the next meet.

You'll meet many 'NO's'...that's just natural odds. It's a process, so build resilience instead of disappointment. Rejection just means the wrong lens to see your unique value--and visa versa. Keep moving forward, take breaks when you need them, and don't spiral yourself into a hole with negative self-talk.

Head high.

 

 

[Jamie425]

You will know because you've never felt anything like it. It's a thunderbolt. It's also like stepping in a hole. It just happens.

My first live was supposed to be a fling. It was supposed to be just physical. It lasted sixteen years. We couldn't live together but talked until he died.

It also usually happens when you're not looking for it. So just have fun. Don't be afraid of a fix up or a hookup. You never know where they might lead. Best wishes