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I want to find true love and commitment


Alex39
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More than ever, I want to find love. I'm not perfect, but I look around at what I have- a good job, a nice home, good family, good friends, I've recently been on a health and wellness journey of losing weight and eating healthy foods, focusing on getting back into fitness,feeling so positive, setting boundaries in my life, reconnecting with religion, and I feel very complete. I dress well, look good.  I'm happy with what I have. I feel proud of myself. I feel mature. I feel good. Ready for a mature relationship.  Something that leads to marriage. Someone mature, goal oriented, wanting to grow together in life. 

But I feel like I'm missing love. I dated a lot in my 20s and it was always the wrong guy, wrong time, unhealthy. I settled hoping for the love I want. But now I haven't dated in a long time, and I'm more confident in what I want. Now I'm 30, my friends are all married, having children, and my life happiness and success is alone. 

I feel confused. I'm sweet, smart, and I think worth getting to know, but I never meet any good men. Guys don't get to know me. I tried online dating. It was terrible. Even guys in their 30s were unreliable, not serious about dating. It was so disappointing. 

I'm an accomplished woman, responsible,  fun, etc, and looking for something real. Not a hookup, not a fling, I want marriage. Not right away, but my goals are marriage and kids. 

Why can't I find a good man? 

My friends met guys from hookups, online, and they had unstable careers, unstable living conditions, and they are married to them now. 

I know this is my path, but I am afraid I won't know when I do meet the right man. How will I know? How can I find a good man? I guess I wish a guy would approach me for once and for it to just click. 

 

 

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Do you want to find "love" or do you want to be in a relationship where you are inspired to give love, you act on the giving and it's returned? Finding love is abstract.  The most important part of loving is giving and to me in a marriage the most important part is giving love that maintains or grows the commitment of marriage (or in a long term relationship the commitment).  

It's great that you're improving your health and fitness.  It's essential.  I wrote to you that when I dated in my 30s it was much much harder for women who were overweight.  Fair? No.  But reality, absolutely.  

I'll repeat what I've written to you before as to how to meet people - volunteer backstage at community theater. You did cheer? Then do something like swing dancing or salsa dancing lessons.  Volunteer elsewhere like at your place of worship where you interact with people.  People set up other people on dates -I still do -been doing it for 40 years now - so meet people - married people, single people, men, women who are like minded through volunteer work or dance and put it out there not in a desperate way but ask if they know any single guys and if you can reciprocate with a single guy who's just a friend to you.

Keep the pity party about being single to a minimum.  Go to weddings but cut wayyyy down on this expensive nonsense about bridesmaid and planning showers and event planning around baby making, weddings, etc. It's a waste of time and hanging out with women who are into that sort of thing -especially if you already know them - isn't likely to lead to husband prospects and you're wasting time that could be spent on what I suggested.  

If you go online -keep the chatting to a minimum -a few messages back and forth, a safety screening phone call do a first meet in a public place, move on if there's not a first real date.

I dated hundreds of men.  I dated on and off for 24 years.  I was proactive about it.  I did all I suggest to you -I did not do the community theater part but several of my friends and my ex boyfriend did and I saw how many awesome relationships started.

And do this health and fitness thing and focus on maintaining your results -maintaining is really important because if you start to backslide - if you slack off from exercising and eating right (meaning -who cares if you gaine a couple of pounds back) especially in a relationship your partner will still love you etc but it's kind of not fair and might be a source of stress (unless the weight gain is due to pregnancy or you're taking hormones to try and get pregnant). If your partner meets you as someone into health and fitness, be committed to maintaining those values especially if he is into it as well.  

Also you focus a lot on your "nice home" -I get that you love decorating and you're proud of your home.  It means almost nothing to most men (sorry if that is sexist).  Most men will only care that you're independent and live on your own in your 30s, can pay your bills - you're not going to be valued because your living space is attractive. 

The guy might enjoy spending time at your comfy, well appointed home but it's irrelevant to whether he'll be into you and see serious potential.

  I lived in a major city in an awesome neighborhood in a high rise for 15 years starting in my late 20s -tiny apartment, old furniture, I worked crazy hours and I did care about having nice linens, comforter, towels and a comfortable large bed but that's it.  The end. 

The reason men were attracted to how I lived was because it meant we could walk home from almost anywhere, they didn't have to drive me home or go a long distance to date me (because they also lived in the city -teeming with singles) and the fact that I had a doorman meant I could leave keys for them if we were seriously dating and my building had a gym so if they stayed over there was that.  I'd never mention in a dating profile that you have a nice home and enjoy interior decorating unless it's a site geared to June Cleaver types.  

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Also you focus a lot on your "nice home" -I get that you love decorating and you're proud of your home.  It means almost nothing to most men (sorry if that is sexist).  Most men will only care that you're independent and live on your own in your 30s, can pay your bills - you're not going to be valued because your living space is attractive. 

 

As a man, I can confirm. Heck some dont even care about that. That is why OPs friends can get married with unstable jobs and living condition. As guys dont care about that. Guys care about attractivness. That would move you more on desirable ladder then living conditions ever will. Its mostly women who do give value to stuff like that. Most guys simply dont. You have a job, you are OK. We are mostly basic about stuff like that. Its maybe an ancient way of thinking but its like that lots of times. 

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Why can't I find a good man? 

 

30s are a weird spot for dating. You dated in 20s because you had a lot of time and probably go out every weekend and maybe even during week days. 30s are different. You would most likely have a job that would take away lots of your time. Your friends would get their own jobs or even get married. So in addition to less time to meet somebody(if you dont count job time, which is one of the reasons we get a lot "I like the colleague" threads here, because where else they would meet somebody), your friends also fizzle. So you are left with less people willing to go out and less time. In addition, your dating pool becomes less and less as time goes by because, if you arent willing to chase younger people, in 30s lots of people are already taken or even married. So no wonder your dating opportunities are not like in your 20s.

That is why you have to "create" your opportunities. I was in favor of you doing that cheerleeding side job because that would be a nice opportunity for you to get out there and maybe even meet somebody new. You need something like that. Do you enjoy some other activity? There   are lots of courses or even free activities like clubs(we have a climbing club here for exampe, lots of people are part of it) that you can attend and maybe meet somebody new that you would like. 

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10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

More than ever, I want to find love. I'm not perfect, but I look around at what I have- a good job, a nice home, good family, good friends, I've recently been on a health and wellness journey of losing weight and eating healthy foods, focusing on getting back into fitness,feeling so positive, setting boundaries in my life, reconnecting with religion, and I feel very complete. I dress well, look good.  I'm happy with what I have. I feel proud of myself. I feel mature. I feel good. Ready for a mature relationship.  Something that leads to marriage. Someone mature, goal oriented, wanting to grow together in life. 

But I feel like I'm missing love. I dated a lot in my 20s and it was always the wrong guy, wrong time, unhealthy. I settled hoping for the love I want. But now I haven't dated in a long time, and I'm more confident in what I want. Now I'm 30, my friends are all married, having children, and my life happiness and success is alone. 

I feel confused. I'm sweet, smart, and I think worth getting to know, but I never meet any good men. Guys don't get to know me. I tried online dating. It was terrible. Even guys in their 30s were unreliable, not serious about dating. It was so disappointing. 

I'm an accomplished woman, responsible,  fun, etc, and looking for something real. Not a hookup, not a fling, I want marriage. Not right away, but my goals are marriage and kids. 

Why can't I find a good man? 

My friends met guys from hookups, online, and they had unstable careers, unstable living conditions, and they are married to them now. 

I know this is my path, but I am afraid I won't know when I do meet the right man. How will I know? How can I find a good man? I guess I wish a guy would approach me for once and for it to just click. 

 

 

A lot of it is luck and continuing to date and meet new people. Stay positive and engaged in anything else you have going for you. 

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Female here... Everyone is right...guys do not put importance on financial stability, etc...it's about attractiveness, as shallow as that sounds. Get a good make over by a pro and focus on sex appeal.  Dating apps are a cesspool of the cheap, lazy, jerks or the socially inadequate, better to look outside of that to meet men.  Maybe look into a hobby/activity to get involved in that enables you to meet new people.

You have the right attitude, hope you find success soon. 

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you want to find "love" or do you want to be in a relationship where you are inspired to give love, you act on the giving and it's returned? Finding love is abstract.  The most important part of loving is giving and to me in a marriage the most important part is giving love that maintains or grows the commitment of marriage (or in a long term relationship the commitment).  

It's great that you're improving your health and fitness.  It's essential.  I wrote to you that when I dated in my 30s it was much much harder for women who were overweight.  Fair? No.  But reality, absolutely.  

I'll repeat what I've written to you before as to how to meet people - volunteer backstage at community theater. You did cheer? Then do something like swing dancing or salsa dancing lessons.  Volunteer elsewhere like at your place of worship where you interact with people.  People set up other people on dates -I still do -been doing it for 40 years now - so meet people - married people, single people, men, women who are like minded through volunteer work or dance and put it out there not in a desperate way but ask if they know any single guys and if you can reciprocate with a single guy who's just a friend to you.

Keep the pity party about being single to a minimum.  Go to weddings but cut wayyyy down on this expensive nonsense about bridesmaid and planning showers and event planning around baby making, weddings, etc. It's a waste of time and hanging out with women who are into that sort of thing -especially if you already know them - isn't likely to lead to husband prospects and you're wasting time that could be spent on what I suggested.  

If you go online -keep the chatting to a minimum -a few messages back and forth, a safety screening phone call do a first meet in a public place, move on if there's not a first real date.

I dated hundreds of men.  I dated on and off for 24 years.  I was proactive about it.  I did all I suggest to you -I did not do the community theater part but several of my friends and my ex boyfriend did and I saw how many awesome relationships started.

And do this health and fitness thing and focus on maintaining your results -maintaining is really important because if you start to backslide - if you slack off from exercising and eating right (meaning -who cares if you gaine a couple of pounds back) especially in a relationship your partner will still love you etc but it's kind of not fair and might be a source of stress (unless the weight gain is due to pregnancy or you're taking hormones to try and get pregnant). If your partner meets you as someone into health and fitness, be committed to maintaining those values especially if he is into it as well.  

Also you focus a lot on your "nice home" -I get that you love decorating and you're proud of your home.  It means almost nothing to most men (sorry if that is sexist).  Most men will only care that you're independent and live on your own in your 30s, can pay your bills - you're not going to be valued because your living space is attractive. 

The guy might enjoy spending time at your comfy, well appointed home but it's irrelevant to whether he'll be into you and see serious potential.

  I lived in a major city in an awesome neighborhood in a high rise for 15 years starting in my late 20s -tiny apartment, old furniture, I worked crazy hours and I did care about having nice linens, comforter, towels and a comfortable large bed but that's it.  The end. 

The reason men were attracted to how I lived was because it meant we could walk home from almost anywhere, they didn't have to drive me home or go a long distance to date me (because they also lived in the city -teeming with singles) and the fact that I had a doorman meant I could leave keys for them if we were seriously dating and my building had a gym so if they stayed over there was that.  I'd never mention in a dating profile that you have a nice home and enjoy interior decorating unless it's a site geared to June Cleaver types.  

I have so much love, compassion, commitment to give. I want it and I'm ready to provide it in a healthy, mature way. 

See, I do think men care about how your space is. If a man comes over and you have laundry stacked up everywhere, dirty dishes,  they are going to think you are messy and unkempt. I enjoy decorating and cleaning. Some guys need that in their life and may see that as an asset. I've met guys online who lived far away, an hour, and I'll never do it again. They have to live within a half hour from me. I think that's reasonable.  It got too hard too fast every time when they lived far. They grew annoyed with driving, I ended up having them sleeping at my house early on, and I won't do that again. 

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

As a man, I can confirm. Heck some dont even care about that. That is why OPs friends can get married with unstable jobs and living condition. As guys dont care about that. Guys care about attractivness. That would move you more on desirable ladder then living conditions ever will. Its mostly women who do give value to stuff like that. Most guys simply dont. You have a job, you are OK. We are mostly basic about stuff like that. Its maybe an ancient way of thinking but its like that lots of times. 

30s are a weird spot for dating. You dated in 20s because you had a lot of time and probably go out every weekend and maybe even during week days. 30s are different. You would most likely have a job that would take away lots of your time. Your friends would get their own jobs or even get married. So in addition to less time to meet somebody(if you dont count job time, which is one of the reasons we get a lot "I like the colleague" threads here, because where else they would meet somebody), your friends also fizzle. So you are left with less people willing to go out and less time. In addition, your dating pool becomes less and less as time goes by because, if you arent willing to chase younger people, in 30s lots of people are already taken or even married. So no wonder your dating opportunities are not like in your 20s.

That is why you have to "create" your opportunities. I was in favor of you doing that cheerleeding side job because that would be a nice opportunity for you to get out there and maybe even meet somebody new. You need something like that. Do you enjoy some other activity? There   are lots of courses or even free activities like clubs(we have a climbing club here for exampe, lots of people are part of it) that you can attend and maybe meet somebody new that you would like. 

Thanks for the insight. I need to hear it from a man. I think I was raised that a guy looks at nice home, good job, how you look. So I always strive to have the whole package, for myself and for a guy. It's crazy to me that a guy wouldn't be impressed by my nice home. But I see now that they don't think that way. I mean, I had a really nice rental for years, and my friend married her husband living in her childhood bedroom. 

I think I just assume that what I find attractive is mirrored back. I look for a smart,  accomplished, responsible, mature, funny, cute guy. 

 

When I start dating guys,I am great the first few dates, fun, flirty, attractive. Then I clam up. I get nervous that I want them to like me. I start getting quiet instead of my fun, honest self. I am afraid to mess it up. So my fun, cute self is gone. I also think I haven't dated the right guys either. That's a big issue. 

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

As a man, I can confirm. Heck some dont even care about that. That is why OPs friends can get married with unstable jobs and living condition. As guys dont care about that. Guys care about attractivness. That would move you more on desirable ladder then living conditions ever will. Its mostly women who do give value to stuff like that. Most guys simply dont. You have a job, you are OK. We are mostly basic about stuff like that. Its maybe an ancient way of thinking but its like that lots of times. 

30s are a weird spot for dating. You dated in 20s because you had a lot of time and probably go out every weekend and maybe even during week days. 30s are different. You would most likely have a job that would take away lots of your time. Your friends would get their own jobs or even get married. So in addition to less time to meet somebody(if you dont count job time, which is one of the reasons we get a lot "I like the colleague" threads here, because where else they would meet somebody), your friends also fizzle. So you are left with less people willing to go out and less time. In addition, your dating pool becomes less and less as time goes by because, if you arent willing to chase younger people, in 30s lots of people are already taken or even married. So no wonder your dating opportunities are not like in your 20s.

That is why you have to "create" your opportunities. I was in favor of you doing that cheerleeding side job because that would be a nice opportunity for you to get out there and maybe even meet somebody new. You need something like that. Do you enjoy some other activity? There   are lots of courses or even free activities like clubs(we have a climbing club here for exampe, lots of people are part of it) that you can attend and maybe meet somebody new that you would like. 

I actually turned down the cheerleading, but I got a lead and interview for another job coming up. And it's not cheer, more men working there, they look younger, so maybe it'll be a hit. Who knows. 

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3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

guys do not put importance on financial stability, etc...it's about attractiveness, as shallow as that sounds.

Well they actually do if we are talking about long term relationships. Sure it's not on the top of the list like attractiveness but it's still important.

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9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Female here... Everyone is right...guys do not put importance on financial stability, etc...it's about attractiveness, as shallow as that sounds. Get a good make over by a pro and focus on sex appeal.  Dating apps are a cesspool of the cheap, lazy, jerks or the socially inadequate, better to look outside of that to meet men.  Maybe look into a hobby/activity to get involved in that enables you to meet new people.

You have the right attitude, hope you find success soon. 

That's why I'm on this new wellness, fitness journey. My mom says that all the time "guys look first, then they decide to get to know you."

I get that is true. 

I am looking for a loyal, family oriented, mature, future husband, and a potential good father. 

Obviously I want to spend many years dating, growing together, enjoying life together first. 

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2 minutes ago, dias said:

Well they actually do if we are talking about long term relationships. Sure it's not on the top of the list like attractiveness but it's still important.

I own a condo, my home. I pay my bills, I own a nice car, I have a solid good job. I'm very stable I think. Very level headed, put together, goal oriented, smart. I've had guys tell me they love how responsible and level headed I am. I make sound decisions. 

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2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

"guys look first, then they decide to get to know you." 

This is true. 

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I own a condo, my home. I pay my bills, I own a nice car, I have a solid good job. I'm very stable I think. Very level headed, put together, goal oriented, smart. I've had guys tell me they love how responsible and level headed I am. I make sound decisions. 

Great stuff 🙂

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1 minute ago, dias said:

Well they actually do if we are talking about long term relationships. Sure it's not on the top of the list like attractiveness but it's still important.

If your friends are married off and you are not...what does that say about those men? We have had plenty of men posting about their relationship with a single mom with very little money, or mental illness, inability to keep a sustainable lifestyle, but they want to fight for them tooth and nail avoiding our advice to get out. And yes they admit they GF is really attractive, and willing to do anything to keep them no matter how unhealthy. A lot (not all) are stupid that way..and sometimes women too. 

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1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I have so much love, compassion, commitment to give. I want it and I'm ready to provide it in a healthy, mature way. 

See, I do think men care about how your space is. If a man comes over and you have laundry stacked up everywhere, dirty dishes,  they are going to think you are messy and unkempt. I enjoy decorating and cleaning. Some guys need that in their life and may see that as an asset. I've met guys online who lived far away, an hour, and I'll never do it again. They have to live within a half hour from me. I think that's reasonable.  It got too hard too fast every time when they lived far. They grew annoyed with driving, I ended up having them sleeping at my house early on, and I won't do that again. 

Clean and sanitary yes - that has nothing to do with decorating.  I know lovely decorated homes that are unclean and/or don't feel comfortable to hang out in.  Not the interior decorating and how large your home is and how well appointed and all that jazz.  I know very very few men who would see that as an asset and some would see that as a negative -like you're already all set up, you're particular about what you like, and where would he fit in? 

Edited by Batya33
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I did much much better at dating in my 30s than 20s for these reasons:

1. I was more established in my career and managing the crazy hours better -more time to date, showed more confidence when I spoke of my career.

2. I lived in a major city teeming with singles and many of them in their 30s/40s.

3.  Better hair products.  No I'm not kidding -I had frizzy hair and the products improved so I could go curly or straight but without all the frizz.  Back then the straight sleek look seemed to be a big hit with men. (Who knows).

 

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1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

When I start dating guys,I am great the first few dates, fun, flirty, attractive. Then I clam up. I get nervous that I want them to like me. I start getting quiet instead of my fun, honest self. I am afraid to mess it up. So my fun, cute self is gone. I also think I haven't dated the right guys either. That's a big issue. 

Sounds like this is something you need to focus on.

Are you admitting some insecurity?  That you really don't 'feel' okay about yourself? Or reasons for your 'pulling back'.

Is okay to be 'quiet', to an extent.  Maybe you're just a more reserved person. Then, your partner needs to see this and be okay with it.

Worst thing to do is compare your life to anyone else's. We all run differently.  Our own paths through life. My younger brother never married until almost 40 and went about 10 yrs single to find her 😉 .  Before that, he was in a messy relationship all re: drugs with that girl. Was all wrong, but in time he improved from that and got himself back on track.... so, don't worry about everyone else.

As for YOU, is how you act in time a possible concern?  That you 'fear' if they like you enough?

Not sure if you can look into some prof help.. or a life coach type of thing?  I've done therapy through my years, as it was needed.  And it did me well. ( dealing with my own insecurity, anxiety etc).

As for your 'searching', have you done dating sites?  I joined a 'local singles grp', few yrs ago on FB.  We'd all meet for coffee's, go to dinners, movies, etc.  I made a few nice friends that way.

Either way, I do feel your 'special someone' will happen along when you least expect it.  I do believe you will find someone who is 'compatible' with you.  Just don;t try overly hard to do so,  Continue living your life, ya never know 😉 .

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1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I own a condo, my home. I pay my bills, I own a nice car, I have a solid good job. I'm very stable I think. Very level headed, put together, goal oriented, smart. I've had guys tell me they love how responsible and level headed I am. I make sound decisions. 

Sadly these will often be negatives when it comes to finding men to date/marry.  These will all be positives for men as the more successful they are, the more women available to them there will be.  It works the other way for women--the better you are, the worse the men are going to look.  A successful woman will often end up attracting unemployed men looking for a sugar mama.

Men and women are not looking for the same thing in a mate.  Men are looking for attractiveness first and foremost, and women are looking for successful and powerful men.  People often don't realize that and assume that what is appealing to them will be appealing to the opposite sex also.  This is why we get men here who aren't having any luck and assuming they're ugly, and women not having any luck and assuming they're not successful enough (or wondering why their success hasn't translated into results).

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21 minutes ago, waffle said:

Sadly these will often be negatives when it comes to finding men to date/marry.  These will all be positives for men as the more successful they are, the more women available to them there will be.  It works the other way for women--the better you are, the worse the men are going to look.  A successful woman will often end up attracting unemployed men looking for a sugar mama.

Men and women are not looking for the same thing in a mate.  Men are looking for attractiveness first and foremost, and women are looking for successful and powerful men.  People often don't realize that and assume that what is appealing to them will be appealing to the opposite sex also.  This is why we get men here who aren't having any luck and assuming they're ugly, and women not having any luck and assuming they're not successful enough (or wondering why their success hasn't translated into results).

I definitely get this. 

I'm not some power CEO. 

I obviously want to be attracted to the person physically. I want someone with a solid job. I don't care if they are a teacher or a businessman. I don't even care if they went to college, as long as they are pretty financially independent. 

And looking for a guy who wants to settle down, have a family, build a life together. My life is so ingrained with my parents and our family. I want and feel ready to build my own and I'm so excited to do so. I am looking for a guy who is family oriented though and wouldn't mind taking a family vacation with my family occasionally,  as well as us doing our own thing as a couple. 

Deal breakers for me are- Can't smoke, do drugs, smoke weed, vape.  

Will not be with someone who drinks alcohol too much. 

Will not be with someone who tries to keep me away from my family or friends

Someone looking to move right away soon after we meet and start dating 

Cannot be with soneone who doesnt want kids 

Someone who doesn't respect my home and personal belongings

Someone that is unsafe, can't hold down a job,who does irresponsible things

Will not be with someone who is abusive, cruel, mean verbally, controlling

Will not be with someone who isn't loyal and strings me along with no commitment 

I don't think that's unreasonable.  I tried online and all these guys either wanted a hookup or they were alcoholics. Literally went out with one guy who had to get dropped off because he lost his license in a DUI charge. 

The getting in shape is a big thing, and I'm slowly getting back to it. My body is not perfect, but I am motivated to lose weight and look better.  Not just to meet a guy. But I realized I got very lazy about taking care of myself. I want to have a schedule, and eat better, and be a better person overall, and I'm working hard at that. 

I guess I know everyone says when you least expect it, but I feel like I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I fear that maybe it's me. It's my fault. That I'm messing up and if I do meet Mr.Right I won't know it, I'll be oblivious or ruin it. My mom says all the time that I'm so clueless. A guy will be checking me out at the grocery store and I'm hopelessly lost in putting stuff in my cart and slouching and reading my grocery list. I don't ever notice. I fear I've messed up my chances all this time. When a guy does actually obviously shows interest, I'm typically not interested. 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is your age range? Are divorced or single dads acceptable? Because if your target group is say, 29-39 that may well be the case.

I'm open to 28 to 36. Open to single dads and divorced men. I'd want to have kids of my own. Open to them having kids though. 

I'd prefer they didn't have kids, but if they do, it would depend on the situation. Such as, one of my family members married a divorced man with kids. They are constantly in turmoil with his ex-wife. Constantly in court, constantly talking bad about her to our family, always dealing with DCFS, because the mother always is accusing them of things. Them accusing her back. It's constant drama, fighting, money, custody battles. 

I would not want to deal with this in my life. Too much, not worth it, too stressful. 

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2 hours ago, waffle said:

Sadly these will often be negatives when it comes to finding men to date/marry.  These will all be positives for men as the more successful they are, the more women available to them there will be.  It works the other way for women--the better you are, the worse the men are going to look.  A successful woman will often end up attracting unemployed men looking for a sugar mama.

Men and women are not looking for the same thing in a mate.  Men are looking for attractiveness first and foremost, and women are looking for successful and powerful men.  People often don't realize that and assume that what is appealing to them will be appealing to the opposite sex also.  This is why we get men here who aren't having any luck and assuming they're ugly, and women not having any luck and assuming they're not successful enough (or wondering why their success hasn't translated into results).

I know sex appeal and attractiveness is important. I think I can be attractive. I dress well. I like feeling sexy. When I really try and get into that zone, I know I can be a sex bomb. Before gaining some covid weight, I was curvy, but fit, busty, an hourglass bombshell. I wore makeup, did my hair, wore heels, looked like a put together woman at work. 

One of my friends told me once that she got the impression that I was very confident with men and must be getting men left and right, because of my sex appeal. 

I laughed, because I don't see myself that way at all. I see myself as this innocent little angel, unsure, but very cute and sweet. 

But at times, with the right guy,I've been able to have that teasing flirty banter that's magic back and forth. I've only had that a few times in my life. 

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5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

guess I know everyone says when you least expect it,

My story as I wrote to you could be spun that way. It's a fun perspective on how we got back together and fell in love again.

I think it's such a silly saying.  It won't happen if you're desperate and in your 30s it won't happen unless you're out there and proactive not waiting for "least expect it". 

Proactive doesn't mean desperate.  People who exude desperation won't find someone and somehow someone transformed that into "least expect it" as if swinging the pendulum the other way means 'least expect it." 

I was proactive and wanted a lot of what you wanted - although we differ in what I was looking for as far as higher education - but yes financial stability!!

The other benefit of being healthy and fit is it will help you a lot most likely with getting pregnant and having a healthful pregnancy, and also then you'll have the good habits to get back into shape post-pregnancy. 

  Also please know that it doesn't matter if your friends are "all married" - what you are asking for is a A LOT. A lot. And there are no guarantees you will find the right person.  It is a lot to ask to find a man you are in love with, who feels the same, who wants to marry and start a family with you. It might look so easy and sometimes it is -it was for my mother, it was for my best friend from high school back then, etc but mostly no it is not easy. At all.  It's not "but alllll I want is a husband and kid and a house!!" 

It's a lot.  It's hard.  It's so totally worth it -all the effort, tears, aggravation, stress, the restraint it takes not to come on too strong and overwhelm a new guy in your life, the self-talk it takes because every insecure part of you comes out when you're over the moon and you just simply cannot react by being clingy or needy. 

Do all you can to be out there - I made suggestions as did others. 

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3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I know sex appeal and attractiveness is important. I think I can be attractive. I dress well. I like feeling sexy. When I really try and get into that zone, I know I can be a sex bomb. Before gaining some covid weight, I was curvy, but fit, busty, an hourglass bombshell. I wore makeup, did my hair, wore heels, looked like a put together woman at work. 

One of my friends told me once that she got the impression that I was very confident with men and must be getting men left and right, because of my sex appeal. 

I laughed, because I don't see myself that way at all. I see myself as this innocent little angel, unsure, but very cute and sweet. 

But at times, with the right guy,I've been able to have that teasing flirty banter that's magic back and forth. I've only had that a few times in my life. 

When I met up with my husband 7 years after our broken engagement it was a last minute catch up dinner.  So I didn't have my makeup with me at work.  I was wearing a fitted gap t-shirt and pants.  It was so bloody hot out.  I looked quite plain.  He arrived flushed and sweaty because he'd gone to the wrong restaurant and was late.  It didn't matter.  At all.  Sparks flew.  Surprised us both. 

Want to know what we talked about at length -how we couldn't stand how certain of our friends now sent holiday cards that were simply a photo of their family with a printed signature.  We were like -should we take a photo of our latest creation - whether something we'd written or something else -and send that??  And..... yup we do the same now except we write personal notes on the back LOL.  So that was our deep convo - and we shared chocolate pudding -he insisted I share his.  We reminisced, caught up, etc. 

It wasn't really flirty, there was some banter (I'm really good at both) - it was a platonic dinner.  But sparks flew.  See -it doesn't need to be this whole show of makeup and banter for sparks to fly.  It's fun to banter and flirt - it's a good thing -but as long as you show up on time, look nice and act nice and make good eye contact and have interesting things to say - it's not rocket science because either you will click or you won't - you won't if you show up as unkempt Debbie Downer of course but please don't think you have to entertain your date to that extent.  

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