Why am I scared if he’s perfect

[Arielle842772]

We’re both seniors in high school. He doesn’t like how “busy” I am and wants to see me more often than our current dates 1-2 times a week. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months and have been on about 10 dates. He’s already wanting to meet my parents and is very eager to take time off his full time job so we can “spend more time together”

 

I’m the type of girl who really needs her space. I’m also very focused on school and am a bit scared of becoming attached or too close to this guy. My therapist says I’m used to chaos and am scared of getting too comfortable in a relationship.

 

Also getting the sense that he’s going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon and I dont think I’m ready- even though hes perfect and treats me like a princess (not even exaggerating, he’d do anything I asked)

[Jaunty]

Many young people are not in a place where having a serious committed relationship is appropriate.  You're a senior in high school ... unless you're looking forward to a very young marriage, this is not the time to take this on.  

What are your plans for after high school?

[sophieneedsadvice]

 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

 

[SooSad33]

Then you need to be honest and now- since this is all happening soon?  Then don't lead him on anymore.

As I said, be honest.  Tell him you can't see you two getting any deeper as you're moving out of state soon to continue your studies ( unless you think ldr is possible?). But, I get the feeling you are really not wanting this ( for him to your bf). 

What does your title mean? ' If he's too perfect'?  How so?

All I see is a guy moving a little too quickly and wanting too much from you. ( willing to reduce his own work hours ( which he shouldn't)  and you wanting to 'keep to yourself' - so remain as it is.

 

 

[Tiddytok5]

He isn't "perfect" and human that's why.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Arielle842772 said:

My therapist says I’m used to chaos and am scared of getting too comfortable in a relationship.

I would ask therapist to consider that taking on a relationship with someone who keeps pushing for more than you're ready to give would create chaos, not alleviate it. 

I'm a bit PO'd at your therapist, because you're at an age where tying yourself down to trying to meet the needs of another person, especially someone who demands time and involvement beyond your comfort level, is likely to be more stunting of your growth than enjoying your freedom and heading into your college years solo.

People assume that adolescence ends at age 18, but the fact is, it lasts through age 24 or 25 until the pre-frontal cortex of the brain completes development. So making any life-altering decisions before that age can cause a lot of chaos and unnecessary guilt over outgrowing relationships as you keep changing--and do you really need this right now?

Your therapist should know all of this, so encouraging you to pursue a relationship you don't feel ready for at your age is just plain irresponsible, and IMO, lousy judgment.

I promise that I'm not speaking from a prudish POV, but rather from experience. I tied myself down to heavy relationships far too young, and I feel like I missed out on a lot of carefree experiences--and it stunted me--and for what? A lot of guilt for breaking hearts and a lot of depression while I tried to figure out how to get out of these relationships.

I hope you'll follow your gut and adopt confidence in your own intuition. Don't allow yourself to get pushed around by people who are not living your life for you. Nobody but YOU gets a vote.

Head high, and stand your ground. You'll thank yourself later.

[melancholy123]

You need to know that nobody is perfect!  Be honest with this guy about how you feel   Ask your therapist for their advice.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Arielle842772 said:

very eager to take time off his full time job so we can “spend more time together”

How old is this guy, OP?

Don't let him push you into something you are not ready for. You're only in highschool. It's normal to not want a big commitment, and if he's being too persistent, you will need to tell him very clearly that you are not ready (and possibly be ready to let him go)

Your therapist isn't giving you great advice if all she/he said was that you are used to chaos, and implied that you should go along with something you aren't comfortable with. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Arielle842772 said:

 My therapist says I’m used to chaos and am scared of getting too comfortable in a relationship.

What does "used to chaos" mean? Are there problems at home?

It seems to be going ok, unless you feel suffocated. 

Is this the same boy?:

 

[Kwothe28]

How were your previous relationships? Where they turbulent? Is that why your therapist thinks that you are used to chaos?

Sometimes when we get used to turbulence its hard to accept something that has going naturally. He likes you, you have been on a handful of dates and its normal that he wants to see you more. Its up to you if you want that or not.

Also, you are young so you have other stuff to think about. For example college. So dont let it interfere with your other plans if seeing him would mean it would take time off them.

[jazz_lover]

It sounds like you are not ready for a relationship. At your age there are lots of guys who will be content to date and hang out without pushing for a relationship or wanting to spend so much time with you. And that is perfectly OK because you are focused on your studies and finding yourself. So it does not matter that this guy seems "perfect" he is not "right" for you at this stage of your life. 

Besides he is not perfect because he is pressuring you. It has only been a couple of months and he wants to meet your parents and wants more than 1-2 times a week even though he knows you are busy with school. And soon he will probably pressure you for a commitment.  

 

 

 

[JoyfulCompany]

This:

9 hours ago, Arielle842772 said:

I’m the type of girl who really needs her space. I’m also very focused on school

and this:

9 hours ago, Arielle842772 said:

He doesn’t like how “busy” I am and wants to see me more often than our current dates 1-2 times a week. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months and have been on about 10 dates. He’s already wanting to meet my parents and is very eager to take time off his full time job so we can “spend more time together”

seem as major incompatibility at best.

Nothing wrong with meeting the parents at some point, sometimes it's circumstantial and may happen early on... but I don't get the intention behind doing it purposely right away? Is it his need to claim some serious commitment? Commitment is towards you, not your parents. Or maybe he wants some proof of dedication on your side? In any way I think it needs to happen when you're both comfortable with the idea.

If my poor parents had to meet everyone I've dated for a couple of months it would've been a lot messier. In these early stages you typically are still determining wether or not you want to be with someone, wether or not you're compatible. There are a lot of "firsts" happening between you (intimacy, trips, sleepovers, friend groups, different situations, etc.). Now, add some unsolicited opinions from important people in your life to that mix and it may get overly complicated.
It may interfere with the potential (or lack thereof) of the relationship just because someone looks good/bad on paper.

Just some food for thought - wanting to be involved that much that soon into all areas of your life may show underlying issues with control.

And not gonna lie - the part where he's "eager to take time off his job" sounds a bit extreme to me.

9 hours ago, Arielle842772 said:

My therapist says I’m used to chaos and am scared of getting too comfortable in a relationship.

Or maybe you just feel pressured into something you don't actually want right now and that's where the anxiety comes from, understandably so. Pressure contradicts comfort.

Everything my therapist says I check for how it resonates with me. Sometimes she's spot on, sometimes she's far from the truth. I know her comments come from the best intention to support me but she's not living my life, feeling my feelings, seeing my interactions, experiencing the people in my life. When I'm unbalanced some of her comments mess with my judgement and when I finally understand that, I try to give her feedback.

I'm sorry if my opinion comes off as a downer. I'm just majorly suspicious at "perfect" people trying to "bulldoze" into someone's life at the early stages. Even unintentionally so. A relationship shouldn't stunt your growth, it should encourage you to expand it.

At the end of the day go with your gut. Good luck.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Arielle842772 said:

We’re both seniors in high school. He doesn’t like how “busy” I am and wants to see me more often than our current dates 1-2 times a week. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months and have been on about 10 dates. He’s already wanting to meet my parents and is very eager to take time off his full time job so we can “spend more time together”

 

I’m the type of girl who really needs her space. I’m also very focused on school and am a bit scared of becoming attached or too close to this guy. My therapist says I’m used to chaos and am scared of getting too comfortable in a relationship.

 

Also getting the sense that he’s going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon and I dont think I’m ready- even though hes perfect and treats me like a princess (not even exaggerating, he’d do anything I asked)

Because he's not perfect for you and he's clingy and potentially acts like a doormat -why do you need to be treated like a princess where a person does anything you'd ask? Yes, you might like the thrill of the chase more than you like being close to someone who wants you but don't confuse perfect on paper for perfect for you.  If you're not reasonably sure and excited you want to be his girlfriend then he's not perfect for you.  

Also he is a person who would need a lot of your time in a relationship and would pressure you to see him if you chose work over him.  He doesn't respect your need for space or to make your schoolwork a priority. He won't do anything you ask because when you say you're busy he pressures you, right?

You might ask yourself - did you ever try to pursue an unavailable or "bad boy" - ask yourself if you needed "space" then -or if you enjoyed the space and safety of the person not asking to see you.

Yes, relationships get comfortable, yes you can still have the spark and the foundation of why you're with this person who makes you feel comfortable and at home.  No that doesn't have to be "boring".  

[Rose Mosse]

12 hours ago, Arielle842772 said:

We’re both seniors in high school. He doesn’t like how “busy” I am and wants to see me more often than our current dates 1-2 times a week. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months and have been on about 10 dates. He’s already wanting to meet my parents and is very eager to take time off his full time job so we can “spend more time together”

 

I’m the type of girl who really needs her space. I’m also very focused on school and am a bit scared of becoming attached or too close to this guy. My therapist says I’m used to chaos and am scared of getting too comfortable in a relationship.

 

Also getting the sense that he’s going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon and I dont think I’m ready- even though hes perfect and treats me like a princess (not even exaggerating, he’d do anything I asked)

He sounds plain pushy and annoying. Be firm about your boundaries and the time you have available. You are not ready to introduce him to your family. Say to him exactly what you wrote here and do not mince around. If he’s treating you well you wouldn’t feel pushed or like he’s expecting so much out of you that it’s disproportionate. It would feel more natural. 

This is a good opportunity to grow and be more assertive. If he wants to keep dating you you can both find a middle ground. 

[smackie9]

You probably feel some guilt because you don't have or want to give him more time to see you, and you are also getting pressure from your therapist that you should accept this relationship. Your gut is telling you something isn't right, and it's not. If you are with someone that is making demands that you don't want to fulfill, then you are not with the right person. Relationships are about expectations, and yours doesn't match his. This isn't complicated at all. You stick to your guns, and give him the talk. Tell him that you are not ready to take this to the next level, so he can either accept that or end it. And btw there is nothing wrong with you. Your type of personality is fiercely independent and you enjoy your space...you are not alone, there are plenty that need space to decompress and to concentrate/focus on goals/tasks. It's just the way you are. This has nothing to do with "fear". Your therapist is reading this wrong IMO. I agree with everyone else, not everyone is ready to get into a committed relationship at age 18/19. You do what you feel is best for YOU. It's ok to make your own decisions.