How to deal with 'insults' from girlfriend

[Cherylyn]

Your relationship with your girlfriend is abnormal and toxic.  She has impulsive anger management issues.  She snaps and resorts to instant name calling and insults.  She gaslights you by changing your perception of the facts, labels you, deflects and you're left defending yourself.

No, you're not too dramatic nor do you need to be more thick-skinned! 

Even though my story differs from yours, I've been called a bald faced liar recently by my sister and she demonstrates this same old pattern repeatedly.  Every single time I reveal the truth about skeletons in the family's closet (same as my mother and brother's accounts),  she refuses to believe me.  Therefore, my head gets immediately sent to the chopping block. 

In the past, for the sake of peace, I'd grovel and beg for forgiveness and mercy in order to get back into her good graces.  I'm not doing it anymore.  I refuse to apologize for something I am not sorry for nor guilty of.  This time, I vow to dig my heels and will not budge.  I'm extremely unwavering and steadfast about this. 

In the past, I was extremely generous monetarily to my sister and her family.  No more. 

I didn't even reply to her 'smoking gun' text.  If she wants to shoot herself in the foot and leave an embarrassing trail of evidence, that's on her.  She's making herself look very bad, dug a deeper hole for herself and pounded the final nail into her own coffin.  This doesn't even include her mean texts to my husband and how she incriminated herself)  Everything was backed up and saved permanently.  She now realizes her irrevocable faux pas.  She handed me ammunition on a silver platter and I'll run away with it, thank you very much!

Despite being called a liar, a loose cannon and other extremely disrespectful insults, I tried to be nice no matter what.  I would always kowtow to her every command.  I'd sew a lot of beautiful gifts and postal mail them to her locally.  I bought gifts for her and her family. I even gave her a car for free for her birthday!  How can anyone top that? 

Nowadays, I strongly disagree with trying to force a sound relationship (or friendship) with anyone at the expense of selling your soul.  I no longer believe in forgiveness regardless of the offense.  I don't believe in forgive and forget either because if you do, then amnesia teaches you to repeat the same mistake twice or repeatedly. 

As for you, in order to have a harmonious relationship, both of you need to have the maturity to resolve anything peacefully minus shouting matches and name calling.  Since your live in girlfriend resorts to lashing out at you in frustration instead of discussing anything with you calmly, I doubt this type of relationship will endure and survive at this rate long term.  The real question is aimed at you.  How much longer are you willing to tolerate her immature outbursts every single time she doesn't agree with you?  Normal couples have calm, lucid and peaceful discussions.  They either reach a compromise, agreement or a sincere apology in order to make future differences more pleasant and less threatening or they go their separate ways. 

Like you, I've been called every name in the book which is just like someone calling you or anyone here on this forum  - - a thief or a liar.  How would you or anyone here feel about being called a thief when you are NOT?  Or, a liar when you are NOT?  It's so disgusting, absurd and outrageous that you don't have an answer nor reply.  Those types of cutting words is like instant suicide or instant death in any and all relationships no matter who they are. 

Do some soul searching because when the light turns on in your brain, realize that many times, people are simply incompatible.  Personalities, characters and maturity levels differ.  Some people possess emotional intelligence (empathy) while others do not.  Some people are charming and pretentious socially and wicked behind closed doors.  Some people are sociopaths.  Some people are narcissists and there are so many more psychological ills galore.  There are a lot of normal looking people who are weird and scary once you get to know them better.

Anytime a person attacks your integrity, lacks morals and doesn't treat you with dignity, it's time to dissolve and exit the relationship. 

I hope both of you can get along with making new food rules somehow but unless there's an effort to cooperate, it looks abysmal. 

Never try to force relationships to work because this person will only give you trouble.  It's not healthy and it's not going to work. 

[bbogdanov]

I am grateful to you all for the opinions! I am going on a weekend trip out of town and I will try to respond to everyone when I get back. I am just overwhelmed with so many opinions (I didn't expect it) and I will need a little bit of time to reply to everyone and provide additional information for clarifying thing.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Lookingforadvice7777 said:

HUH? I'm totally at a loss. He's selfish (!) for not wanting her leftovers on second thought? Huh??? He literally gave the food back to her. Eating a bite from the food doesn't ruin the food. They've lived together for a year, I'm sure they've eaten after each other a million times I'm sure. Lol, this is so funny.

To me, in that scenario, you did nothing wrong. Your girlfriend sounds like she reacts over the top to situations.

It depends what the food is and if she already ate something else perhaps that leftover wouldn't have still been fresh enough the next day.  No, I wouldn't be happy eating a dinner my husband dug into and took bites out of - when we take from leftovers we use separate serving utensils and put back what we don't want to leave for the other person. 

Have we eaten off each other's plates? Yes many times.  But especially since we have a child we often share stuff with separate serving utensils as we know what it's like to pass around germs.  It would be like if I insisted on ordering a special dessert to share that my son and husband didn't prefer, then took one bite and said "oh it's not to my liking after all" - then husband and son are stuck with their second choice and we can't order anything more as it would be wasteful (or substitute since I ate from it).  Sounds like he "ruined" the meal in that sort of way.  

[smackie9]

Instead of telling her you don't like it, switch it around and compliment her cooking on the meals that you do like. My husband will say "That's a winner, make that more often." If he doesn't like something he will just say "no more fish" and I listen. Sometimes I will ask him "Chili OK tonight?" If he says no, I will have a plan B or C. Communication is key. 

We do those box meals, so opinions are very important when trying a new recipe. It's not me cooking it to blame if it's a flop, it's the recipe. 

Food brings people together, and if you both lack food enjoyment together, then this is a compatibility issue. It's making you two not get along. 

[reinventmyself]

You two need to sit down and renegotiate the household chores.  If what you are doing isn't working, then do something different.

You can approach this in a way that doesn't insult her cooking.  You can share that you understand that your palate is different it's not your intention to make her feel bad.  Divy up the chores where she does some of the housework and you can cook at times.  Approach this with a good will attitude and looking for a solution for the repeated conflict over this.   You may even suggest that at times you both choose meals of your own liking.  Just because you live together doesn't always mean you have to mirror each other 100% of the time.

[mical]

11 hours ago, Lookingforadvice7777 said:

HUH? I'm totally at a loss. He's selfish (!) for not wanting her leftovers on second thought? Huh??? He literally gave the food back to her. Eating a bite from the food doesn't ruin the food. They've lived together for a year, I'm sure they've eaten after each other a million times I'm sure. Lol, this is so funny.

To me, in that scenario, you did nothing wrong. Your girlfriend sounds like she reacts over the top to situations.

Exactly!

She repeatedly insults him with words like IDIOT and has constant angry outbursts and OP is told to instead do more chores and cooking and cleaning 🧹 🧼 🧽 

If I were OP I would say 

“Please don’t talk to me unless you can in a mature and nice way. We are both adults capable of mature communication.

The yelling, angry outbursts and shouting IDIOT has got to stop. 

From now on I’ll cook for myself.”

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, mical said:

Exactly!

She repeatedly insults him with words like IDIOT and has constant angry outbursts and OP is told to instead do more chores and cooking and cleaning 🧹 🧼 🧽 

If I were OP I would say 

“Please don’t talk to me unless you can in a mature and nice way. We are both adults capable of mature communication. Regards the dinner, I’ll buy you 3 to make up for you huge loss it doesn’t matter to me. But from now on I’ll cook for myself and not deal with any BS”

 

I believe she overreacted and should have as I wrote above express how she felt as opposed to insulting: "I felt frustrated when I chose something else for dinner to let you have my first choice, and now you say you don't want it after all.  I already ate and those leftovers weren't going to be good after today so now they are wasted and I would have enjoyed them."  Then they can actually talk about it.  And/or she decides to calm down/cool off and talk later.  That's another mature approach.  

On his end I believe he is not taking her concerns seriously enough -the underlying concerns about his behavior.

[mical]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I believe she overreacted and should have as I wrote above express how she felt as opposed to insulting: "I felt frustrated when I chose something else for dinner to let you have my first choice, and now you say you don't want it after all.  I already ate and those leftovers weren't going to be good after today so now they are wasted and I would have enjoyed them."  Then they can actually talk about it.  And/or she decides to calm down/cool off and talk later.  That's another mature approach.  

On his end I believe he is not taking her concerns seriously enough -the underlying concerns about his behavior.

Exactly you are completely right. There’s nothing wrong with saying you are not happy / a little sad about something and would appreciate if xyz is done next time which would make you feel better / more appreciated.

Then any reasonable person would be inclined to respond something like “I’m sorry dear, of course, didn’t mean to hurt your feelings etc. I appreciate you making that and next time I’ll xyz…”

[Seraphim]

My first response to someone would be make it yourself and go buy it too. Don’t like my cooking and want to eat whatever you want peddle yourself down to the store, drive thru whatever and “ have at ‘er “ Then you can waste your own time and money. 

[Cherylyn]

This is not about the food.  It's more than that.  She calls you spoiled, a pampered boy, an idiot and has impulse control issues.  Instead of calmly discussing disagreements in a emotionally mature, intelligent manner, she resorts to criticizing your character which is a form of classic gaslighting.  She is manipulating the conversation by causing you to question your character.  Again, more typical gaslighting which is psychological warfare at its' "finest."  It's wicked, ugly and nasty.  This tactic and strategy is used to shut you down and their way of "winning."  Since gaslighters can't and won't be reasonable and logical, they exercise vile nastiness instead.  It's nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before.  Instead of discussing issues like an honorable person, they act like animals because it's easier to shift focus away from them onto YOU.  I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away and once I catch wind of them, I don't want them in my life anymore.  I don't deal.  Should you try to deal, you'll lose every time so why bother?  I'm out.  I have better things to do with my time, energy and resources than be with a bunch of losers.  I surround myself with very moral people.  I no longer engage with people who don't treat me with utmost kindness, respect, integrity and dignity.

It's unnecessary to be dramatic and more thick-skinned.  Take the easy route and decipher who deserves to be in your life and who needs to be eliminated from your life.  This is how to have a more sound, stable, protected, safe life for yourself.  There is no more risk because you control your life in a mentally healthy way and this type of control gives you the greatest peace of mind forever.  Don't get hurt.  Become smart and very shrewd. 

[SooSad33]

On 6/23/2022 at 8:44 AM, bbogdanov said:

She is really raging in such moments and tends to act a little bit over the top (my opinion, again).

You are not being dramatic, she is!

Her behaviour is not acceptable.  It's damaging you 😕 .

Why are you two already living together after only one year?

 

[WaywardKiwi]

On 6/24/2022 at 1:57 PM, Lookingforadvice7777 said:

HUH? I'm totally at a loss. He's selfish (!) for not wanting her leftovers on second thought? Huh??? He literally gave the food back to her. Eating a bite from the food doesn't ruin the food. They've lived together for a year, I'm sure they've eaten after each other a million times I'm sure. Lol, this is so funny.

To me, in that scenario, you did nothing wrong. Your girlfriend sounds like she reacts over the top to situations.

100%

It is also amusing to see certain contibutors start in with the "back in my day" boomer b.s. about food waste, when anyone who would throw that food out because he took a bite has never truly worried about food scarcity. 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

100%

It is also amusing to see certain contibutors start in with the "back in my day" boomer b.s. about food waste, when anyone who would throw that food out because he took a bite has never truly worried about food scarcity. 

# 1 I am not a boomer. 😉 That’s my mom’s generation. 

[WaywardKiwi]

26 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

# 1 I am not a boomer. 😉 That’s my mom’s generation. 

Fair enough, "back in my day" gen X bs. Doesn't change the point. 

[itsallgrand]

35 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

100%

It is also amusing to see certain contibutors start in with the "back in my day" boomer b.s. about food waste, when anyone who would throw that food out because he took a bite has never truly worried about food scarcity. 

That's rude. 

First of all, you have no idea who has or hasn't lived with food insecurity. 

Number two, stereotyping boomers is lame. 

Number 3, someone having a few bites of something they asked for is just rude. Expecting someone else to eat it after you is rude. Even children know better - if you take something, you eat it. You don't have to take it if you don't like it, but once it's on your plate, it's yours. 

 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, WaywardKiwi said:

Fair enough, "back in my day" gen X bs. Doesn't change the point. 

Still my opinion I am allowed to express. Never said people had to like it. But my opinion nonetheless. I don’t think food waste is necessary or a good way to live. And I do think it is pampered and spoiled to be walking about getting what we want all the time . That isn’t relationships or the real world. 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

# 1 I am not a boomer. 😉 That’s my mom’s generation. 

Same - I'm the same age as she is. I think she had to throw it out because by the next opportunity to eat it it would be spoiled -she already prepared a different dinner to accommodate his desire to eat that food which then became no thanks.  I don't think it's necessarily about the issue of throwing out food with a bite taken out of it.  I'm picky that way and would if I could simply cut away the part with the bite taken out if at all possible and keep it.  But if it was perishable and it was the last day it was safe to eat there is no way I would keep it. I happen to have an extra sensitive stomach and fear food poisoning more than normal.  

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

That's rude. 

First of all, you have no idea who has or hasn't lived with food insecurity. 

Number two, stereotyping boomers is lame. 

Number 3, someone having a few bites of something they asked for is just rude. Expecting someone else to eat it after you is rude. Even children know better - if you take something, you eat it. You don't have to take it if you don't like it, but once it's on your plate, it's yours. 

 

Correct. I was literally starved for almost a year of my childhood and given one meal a day at most. There were days I walked the streets looking for food for my sibling. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, WaywardKiwi said:

It is also amusing to see certain contibutors start in with the "back in my day" boomer b.s. about food waste, when anyone who would throw that food out because he took a bite has never truly worried about food scarcity. 

I am a millenial. Heck I am even on a bit spoiled side. I freely admit that, its not some huge insult to me like its on OP. So, by all accounts I should be on OP side. You know why I am not?

Because I was raised properly. My folks did spoiled me a bit but they did thought me to be well adjusted and mannered. Especially with other people. Stuff that OP pulls would maybe "fly" with his parents. Where they maybe accomodated his every wish including taking a bite and then saying he doesnt want it like some kid and making him a different meal. But when it comes to living with somebody else, almost nobody today would even cook for your ass every day. Let alone "suffer" your tantrums where you return meals or criticize their cooking skills. That is why I am saying that OP is not adjusted and that he maybe needs to work on that. And I think nobody is saying that her reactions isnt over the top. That is entirely different part of problem. 

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am a millenial. Heck I am even on a bit spoiled side. I freely admit that, its not some huge insult to me like its on OP. So, by all accounts I should be on OP side. You know why I am not?

Because I was raised properly. My folks did spoiled me a bit but they did thought me to be well adjusted and mannered. Especially with other people. Stuff that OP pulls would maybe "fly" with his parents. Where they maybe accomodated his every wish including taking a bite and then saying he doesnt want it like some kid and making him a different meal. But when it comes to living with somebody else, almost nobody today would even cook for your ass every day. Let alone "suffer" your tantrums where you return meals or criticize their cooking skills. That is why I am saying that OP is not adjusted and that he maybe needs to work on that. And I think nobody is saying that her reactions isnt over the top. That is entirely different part of problem. 

Correct. She is over the top and calling him idiot is NOT ok. I think her saying he is pampered and spoiled is fair. Because he says himself I want to eat when I want and what I want . Ummmm ok, yes, that is spoiled. 
 

My husband can be pampered at times and I say, march that backside back home to mama because I ain’t her. He has been gone from home for 30 years. It happens occasionally no biggie. 
 

When it happens a lot that IS a big issue. Your partner isn’t your mama. I refuse outright refused to make separate meals at my house . That is a no go. We all eat the same and if someone has to sacrifice so be it . Life is about sacrificing something for someone you love and them for you . 

[Batya33]

I also think it's about being flexible depending on circumstances.  My son ate little yesterday as he was under the weather -today he is better and starving.  I had some leftovers I wanted to use for his lunch and it involved him being sort of a guinea pig - trying a new combo.  He said can I have PB and J instead and I said no -you had enough of that today so the deal is -try what I make and if you really hate it we'll do PB and J.  So -yes - I told him in advance -I negotiated so that at least he'd try something new and also I didn't know if it would come out well.  But he also knew why I was willing to make him something else (yes, he ate the entire new combo I made and didn't turn up his nose at it, etc).  

But this is why the couple -or the parent-child even -need to have good communication together so they can discuss -without a huge time consuming "thing" or escalating - "exceptions" to the rule or why you're bending this one time.

[Cherylyn]

The name calling is alarming and unacceptable.  It's a real deal breaker.  ☹️

The real questions are the following:  Are you willing to endure and tolerate her lambasting you whenever there's a disagreement or argument?  Do you have the patience of a saint?  Is this how you want to live in a relationship?  Is it good enough for you or do you want more out of a person?  What do you value?  What are your standards?  What type of treatment do you deserve?  Does the word 'respect' not belong in your relationship?  Are you willing to settle for mediocrity or less than that or are you willing to shop around in the future? 

It's YOUR choice whether or not you want to be happy or resign yourself into thinking this is as good as it gets for you.  You decide. 

[Cherylyn]

It's not always what you say.  It's HOW you say it.  (Or, if electronic, HOW you write it.) 

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, mical said:

For some reason it seems very toxic if it was reversed: 

guy - “I cooked another dinner for you. Here you go.”

girl - “just had a bite. I think I’ll pass. It’s not quite my taste. I’ll check what else is in the fridge. Thanks tho.”

guy - “look at you you idiot pathetic spoiled brat. Took a bite huh you idiot pig.“

girl - “why are you yelling? Sorry I just feel like something else.”

guy - “idiot!!! go back to your daddy! You ungrateful B&@#%”

🤦‍♂️ Not cool.

Idiot is wrong. Pampered is not . Do we know he was called pig or anything else ? Nope. 

Am I a sexist ? Nope. Are other people on here being ageist you betcha. I would tell a girl the exact same thing that she was being a pampered princess. My mom raised my brother and I to believe we are equal. I have a picture of me and my brother in our military uniforms with my mom in the middle we were equal and wonderful in her eyes. 
 

Pampered is a description of attitude. That is something that can be changed. Pampered doesn’t work well in any relationship. 

[Cherylyn]

You decide what you prefer to be called and take it from there. 

Some people don't mind being called labels or name calling or described in certain ways. 

Some people find it derogatory.   It really depends on your relationship and what you're comfortable with or intolerant of. 

Some people consider it the norm to interact this way toward one another and if they're fine with it, this is good because to each his or her own.

However, some people want more out of the relationship.  Some people prefer to have mutual respect and consideration in mind.  If this is the case, then both of you are not on the same page which is problematic. 

Either fix it or find someone else who will treat you the way you prefer to be treated and vice versa. 

Either accept or make changes to your life.  The choice is yours.