LDW, Very,very busy woman, now blowing hot and cold, mixed signals

[UKLondonborn71]

Hello, Thought I’ d share my story as I’m somewhat baffled by the last few months and where I am now. Reader beware it is a bit long! It begins last March, I met online who I’ll call Nat, she lived 250kms away from me, 52 yrs old, divorced with a (now) 12 yr, 14 yr old daughter and a 16.5 yr old son, me 50 yrs divorced with a 12 yr old son, 14 yr old daughter. I live near a capital City in Australia, she is rural, on a farm.

Texted for a week, had a date, another date with her few weeks later when nr me on holiday with the kids and her parents. Then at end of that week invited me to dinner with some of her friends, parents and kids! All went well.. Next few months saw each other every 10 days or so, she travelled to mine, vice versa, introduced me to lots of her friends. She has 2 self employed jobs, a Chef for hire and a first aid trainer/Instructor, last year she was teaching first aid mon to fri only so had a lot of weekends off, I worked shift work in a Gov job. Things were good, both enjoyed and had special birthdays for each other. Sept she bought another house closer to a regional town, idea being when youngest started Sec school in Jan they would all live there Mon to Friday to save on 2 hrs plus a day travel for school, air bnb it on weekend, and return to the farm on weekends. So she was busy with the house, but we were still seeing each other regularly. Mid Sept I had a knee Operation, she collected me in a 500km round trip, then 2 days later we drove to a ski resort 800kms away for a week, I just recuperated and enjoyed being away with her whilst her and her kids skied with friends, they’re all skiing/snowboarding mad.

Christmas came, spent it all together, went back to the same ski resort, now summer and spent New Year there all together. Was a magical time and felt things were going really well. Beginning of Jan she is normally hired for a couple of months to cater as a Chef for school rowing camps, Works away and extremely busy, this normally ends end of Feb and sets her up for part of the yr where she just works her other jobs and has kids, school, life etc. With hindsight I didn’t realise how busy she was until she came home, and then started being offered other catering gigs, weddings, another rowing camp near me, a theatre play etc. We had very little time as she was so busy, so I would go to hers even though she had little time and just try and help her doing preparation or whatever needed to be done, my attitude was that although very little time for going out for a meal or anything etc, at least I still got to see her and that was better than nothing.

I worked at a wedding with her end of Feb was fun and nice to work together, I did it just to help her. About 6 or so weeks ago I was at her house one weekend helping her prep food for a big job in my home city the following weekend (4 days catering for 160+ plus kids, 4 meals a day on a rowing camp).

We had a busy couple of days prepping but had arranged to go to a new fancy restaurant she had been eager to go to for some time that night, whilst finishing off somehow, she brought up us, and basically said that she felt things were moving too fast atm, and that she wanted to slow down, go back to quality time, dates together etc. Says she loves me, but I’m more in love with her, felt like had woke up one day and realized she’s in a full-blown relationship again, not sure if she wants that? Loves how I treat her and her children, how I am with them etc. Wants to still be able to go away for a weekend with her GFs periodically etc, and doesn’t want someone whose life is hers. I hadn’t worked or seen much of anyone since Sept . I asked how long was it when she had met her previous partner after she ended her marriage? She said 6 to 7months, he moved in quickly to her farm, she ended it after 4 year, although admitted she knew it wasn’t right after a couple of years, but persevered as he was a good person although didn’t get on with her ex or that well with her kids at times.

I told her I was certainly not looking at moving in with her or getting married or anything like that, had my own life and had absolutely no issues with her going away with GFs etc, basically was not wanting to take over her life, just be part of it. I sort of agreed, not really understanding 100% what she was saying she hugged and kissed me, we went out and had a beautiful night out together.

Following weekend we worked together for 4 days, massive hrs , her and I doing the most, basically coming back to mine to sleep and then back again early in the morning. At the end when she was packed up and heading home to her farm with her middle daughter she kissed me, said I love you and thank you so much hun I couldn’t have done it without you.

Two weeks later I go down there, when she sees me, is very pleased to see me, very affectionate, kissing, hugging me etc, had a rare night to ourselves with no kids, awesome night. Next day were working all day doing the sit down meal for a theatre show, at the end all the staff go home, we quickly get changed and manage to see the show together, she’s holding my hand all the way through it. The next day we end up doing lunch for the cast and join them for lunch, have a beautiful afternoon, holding hands , lunch ,wine etc. (we’ve always been very, affectionate, tactile with each other, even just driving in the car shell hold or put her hand on me, or on my leg. There for another couple of nights. One night in bed I brought up what had been said 3 weeks before as I was still a tad confused. She said same again, about slowing things down etc, etc. I asked, So you don’t want us to split up? No..

You don’t want to date other people? No... So I think then, yep I think I understand... So will just give her some space etc and back off a bit. I go home a day or so later all good.

Few days later comes to the State capital for the Formula 1 racing with her son, Is staying at her mum and dads 95kms from me, we hope to try and catch up, but she is busy with her son and catching up with friends. Her 2 daughters are going to arrive on the Mon arvo and the 4 of them will fly Interstate for a weeks holiday and stay with one of her closest GFs. On the last day of the F1 she facetimes ne for 30 mins, chat, I mentioin coming up there and meeting her for dinner, she declines, says sorry will prob be staying to the very end,(9.30pm) music etc. as son wants to, I’m like know worries, we’ll catch up when back from holiday.

At the end of the day at 6.30pm she rings and says, hey change of plans, were heading home now, going to cook dinner at mums, would you like to join us? Im like yep for sure, see you in 90 mins. I get there, as usual she’s very pleased to see me, lots of kisses, nice dinner, then her son, mum and dad go to bed. We watch a film together cuddled up on the couch, Is really nice and I think , I can’t remember the last time we actually did this.... Next morning makes me a beautiful breakfast, before I leave, as usual lots of kissing, hugging as I leave. She goes on Holiday the next day for 8 days with her kids. When she gets back has her last catering gig for the year, a wedding a few days later.

She comes home, has a busy couple of days prepping has to lose a day driving 550 km roundtrip for a friends dads funeral (near me on the Friday) Tells me on the way there, we chat for 90 mins. I offer to go with her if she wants me to, she declines, but says hopefully can catch up on the way out for a coffee.

That never eventuates, as she runs out of time, she gets home that evening late, and she then works until 0430am doing food, has a couple of hrs sleep, then is up to got to the wedding at 0730am, where she ends up working until 1.00am in the morning. Next day , Sunday lunchtime she texts me saying am I coming for the rest of the weekend and public holiday? I reply yes, If you’re sure and its convenient. I’d said the same the previous day, but no reply, remember I’ve been trying to give her space as she has been flat out and because of our conversations. She reply’s with a cold, hostile text, Why do you keep asking me that? I say, sorry, just meant only if you want me to and its convenient.

She replies with a... ‘You know its always great to catch up when we can, but as I’ve said over and over I’m not interested in a relationship, so if you want to come as a friend and spend a few night then Id love to see you x ‘

I was gobsmacked, wasn’t going to go , then thought, stuff it, I’ll go, as one thing I have worked out is I can always gauge her by how she is when she’s with me rather than what she says in person or in a text message. I travel down there, and Like I suspect, as soon as I see her, she is very happy, lots of hugs, kisses, share some nice wine have a great night, has a full, full house with her kids, ex and his partner and friends. Spend a few days there, really nice, same as usual, like the text was never sent....

Last morning, were awake early, make love, things seem good, but I can’t forget the text from a few days ago, So I bring it up.. She at first goes what text, then goes Oh that...

Says, Yes, doesn’t want a BF/Partner/Relationship right now. Loves me and everything about me, spending time with me etc. Thinks it unfair atm as can’t offer much more to me and thinks she’s only offering breadcrumbs, and I deserve so much more. Is so busy with the kids right now and for the last 18 out of 20 years has been in relationships??And that If she was to be in any form of relationship I was the one she would want to be with...Naturally, not what I was expecting ,but reassure her it is okay, what will be will be and that if that is all that she can offer atm then I will take that because I love her and I cant change how I feel. She smiles, kisses me... A while later she gets up, makes and brings me a coffee, is doing lunches for the kids, for me for the drive home... kisses me in the kitchen.

I drive up the road behind her, help her set up all her first aid training gear for the day, then go to leave, she comes outside, kisses me passionately and hugs me lots before I leave. That was 10 days ago. Couple of days later goes to a food and wine festival for W/E with a couple of GFs. Following W/E goes to State capital for weekend with kids to see her mum and dad, Is Mother day here.

She now has a few weekends off, first all year. Going Interstate with a bestie this weekend for annual trip, then following weekend with kids. Then end of the month we have a nice weekend away, in a cottage, just us 2, have been trying to arrange something like this for ages, just she has been working for 6-7 dys a week for months.

That is basically where were up to now. I pretty much let her iniate all text message atm, have backed right off. Last week was a few long messages from her, then chatted on the ph. Told me about her weekend at the festival, said about a cottage one of the vineyards had, she thought would be nice to go ther at some point with the girls for a weekend, they said sorry, is only for 2 people...She says perhaps we can go there sometime???

This Sunday morning just gone I did send her a text, just wishing her and her mum a lovely Mother day. She replied with a nice message back etc and love heart emojis etc, like she used to do all the time.....

So there you have it, apologies for the war and peace epic story...but thought I needed to try and explain last 14 months until.

I think the stroppy hostile text the other week was probably the result of her being tired and exhausted, I have realized I have never met someone so busy in all my life. I in comparison atm have all the time in the world, too much time in fact as I’m over analyzing this all the time but learning not to and to remain positive. One thing that confuses me so much is her what she says and says in text messages and in person and then her actions, how she is are not the same. If this is someone trying to end it, push someone away then her actions and how she is are not the same. She is still very affectionate, tactile, we are still intimate every time we see each other, our love life has always been really good.

[UKLondonborn71]

I guess part of me is wanting to not lose hope. When we are together she is very,very affectionate ans tactile, despite what she has said about slowing things down, then not wanting to be in a partnership. This is where it is confusing for me because of her actions and not her words.

I am still letting her iniate the majority of the texts now, and we speak fairly often, which is always really friendly and positive. I do love her dearly, she wants to be friends still, so I will take that rather than not have her in my life. We still have this weekend booked away in a few weeks, which as I said before when I booked it she was really excited about.

I have been reading, studying a lot of psychology regarding attachment styles the last few weeks, and listening to a few online coaches, and getting a lot of good insight. I am an a anxious attachment, I'm not 100% on her as she has some Avoidant attachment traits (but not all) and some Secure . She is very independent, confident(or displays it) and very, very busy generally.

As far as me being an anxious attachment style, I may have been a bit off a while ago as I sensed something was mot quite right or had shifted but apart from that I have not blown her phone up or begged or pleaded or done anything that comes across as needy, clingy, weak.

I have backed off, and am giving her space, letting her make contact and keeping it friendly, I certainly don't want to push her away any further.

 

[Kwothe28]

You are confusing her being intimate and her wanting a relationship. People can be intimate, even passionate with you, and still not in it for a longhaul. She is OK with having someone there to warm her bed. Basically to "play family" at needs but only when she wants. But she is very clear that she doesnt want you to actually be a part of her life. Relationship would mean that you would have to, for example, see each other not just when she thinks you should(which she almost exclusively does because that is how she rolls), that you would be a part of her life and her yours, that she would have obligations regarding that, that you would have to go together on gatherings and holidays etc. And she doesnt want that, she wants to go tomorrow on holiday with her "besties" without you in the picture. Its not that she doesnt want you, she doesnt want relationship, commitment and everything that comes with it. Because she is perfectly fine the way it is.

Its up to you if you want to accept that or not. There is nothing mixed about this, she doesnt want a relationship. Whether because she is a "commitmentphobe" or because she is at the part of life where she doesnt need one, its highly irrelevant. So, if you are expecting something more there, dont. If you want something more then to "play family" once in a while, she is not the woman for that. And you should cut that through and find somebody who is.

[UKLondonborn71]

We last saw each other a few weeks ago, (27th) April I went home after that conversation, despite her kissing me lots and hugging me lots as I left. Following weekend she was at the Grape and food festival, I didnt pester her with texts, let her be, she sent photos of her and her GFs. On the Mon she texted me asking me how my weekend went etc, chatted and i said Id ring her. When rang on tues morn, no reply, texts and says is in Drs with daughter, will ring me in a bit. She rings misses me, eventually catch each other, tells me all about her weekend. Tells me about one of the vineyards has a nice cottage attached for 2, and maybe we can go go and stay there some time....

More texting that week, then she rings me on the Fri morn on way to work, Is in melbourne for the day working and staying, visiting her parents for the weekend for mothers day. On the Sun I send a nice text, wishing her and her mum a beautiful day. She replies with nice text with love emoticons and thanking me so much. more Texts through the week, again she is iniating and I am letting her iniating majority of contact. She rings me Tues night for 25 mins, Wed night for 30 mins, and on way to Airport on Thurs I ring her ,we chat for 40 mins. She brings up the romantic cottage away I had booked for the end of thsi month. Says lol, had been asked to work but said no, have arrangements and am going away. then says about having nice wines to bring for us etc. Until that time I had not brought up the weekend, was laying it by ear, waiting to see, she has brought it up in the conversation.... to me a positive sign I think.

As I say, I have backed off, am letting her do more of the chasing, will see how things pan out. I have never met someone so busy in all my life, so part of me thinks ,maybe wrongly maybe not, that the last few months she has been overwhelmed to a degree with all the work, kids, life and then me in then me in the  picture as well.

I'm not quite sure what we are at the moment, if you want to put a label on things, but on the other hand, she has not said 'Were over or I don't want to see you again or anymore?' So I will take the positive little signs as positive cues and see what eventuates this weekend and before the following weekend when we should be going away together.

Regards, peace and love to everyone.

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

You seem to have made up your mind to stay with her and meet up when she's available but by doing so, you're also starting to forget about what you may want in a relationship.

When she says jump you jump and when she says stay you stay. It's as if you don't have a say in anything and it depends only on her and her schedule. While you may not be clingy or needy in your texts or communication, you are her sidekick and her support while she runs the show. This isn't someone you're necessarily growing together with but accompanying in a very passive way throughout life. 

Being so emotionally attached and invested in a person will do that. Since you've already made up your mind what I can suggest in the meantime is staying more involved in your other commitments and interests.

If she invites you you don't have to agree to meet her all the time. Be busy with your own ongoings and if you are, stop placing her at the top of your priorities. You are NOT at the top of hers. Sometimes you can't be present and you don't have to constantly cater to her schedule.

The more you balance and learn to assert yourself that way and what's important to you, the more you may discover how unfulfilling this relationship is overall. She can also make more time to meet with you on your terms and join you in whatever you are doing. At the moment, this all seems very lopsided. 

[UKLondonborn71]

13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You seem to have made up your mind to stay with her and meet up when she's available but by doing so, you're also starting to forget about what you may want in a relationship.

When she says jump you jump and when she says stay you stay. It's as if you don't have a say in anything and it depends only on her and her schedule. While you may not be clingy or needy in your texts or communication, you are her sidekick and her support while she runs the show. This isn't someone you're necessarily growing together with but accompanying in a very passive way throughout life. 

Being so emotionally attached and invested in a person will do that. Since you've already made up your mind what I can suggest in the meantime is staying more involved in your other commitments and interests.

If she invites you you don't have to agree to meet her all the time. Be busy with your own ongoings and if you are, stop placing her at the top of your priorities. You are NOT at the top of hers. Sometimes you can't be present and you don't have to constantly cater to her schedule.

The more you balance and learn to assert yourself that way and what's important to you, the more you may discover how unfulfilling this relationship is overall. She can also make more time to meet with you on your terms and join you in whatever you are doing. At the moment, this all seems very lopsided. 

Yes I agree to a point. Up until Christmas and New Year she was as invested, travelled to me and vice versa. Last 4 months she has been working 6 to 7 days with very little free time, now it is settling a bit for a month, or two. I know its not ideal the situation, she has said herself, 'atm I feel like all I'm offering you is breadcrumbs and that is not fair, and you deserve more.' But I have chosen to accept that for the time being, simply because I love her, and everything about her , have become part of her and her families life. I know how she was before, how she still is when she is with me. I agree Im not top of her priorities atm, her kids will always come first and that is how it should be. But right now I will accept that, as hard as it is, not give up hope and see how things pan out in time. As much as it may or may not be the best thing, I cannot just switch off, give up and move on. 

Thanks for your input anyway Rose Mosse, I appreciate it.

[UKLondonborn71]

22 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You seem to have made up your mind to stay with her and meet up when she's available but by doing so, you're also starting to forget about what you may want in a relationship.

When she says jump you jump and when she says stay you stay. It's as if you don't have a say in anything and it depends only on her and her schedule. While you may not be clingy or needy in your texts or communication, you are her sidekick and her support while she runs the show. This isn't someone you're necessarily growing together with but accompanying in a very passive way throughout life. 

Being so emotionally attached and invested in a person will do that. Since you've already made up your mind what I can suggest in the meantime is staying more involved in your other commitments and interests.

If she invites you you don't have to agree to meet her all the time. Be busy with your own ongoings and if you are, stop placing her at the top of your priorities. You are NOT at the top of hers. Sometimes you can't be present and you don't have to constantly cater to her schedule.

The more you balance and learn to assert yourself that way and what's important to you, the more you may discover how unfulfilling this relationship is overall. She can also make more time to meet with you on your terms and join you in whatever you are doing. At the moment, this all seems very lopsided. 

And In our discussions, first 2 where she said she wanted to slow things down, have proper dates, time etc. (when we weren't and she was flat out) and when last one where she said wasn't sure if she wanted a partner/GF/boyfriend now, it is like she has tried to give me the option to walk away, but I haven't/wont, then when I've said it is okay it will work itself out, she has smiled, kissed me, hugged me etc.

 Is confusing as she is so affectionate, tactile when we are together, so yes it is all on her terms atm, but the fact that previously Ive prob been too available to when it suits her, she is now the one iniating the contact via text and phone calls a lot more than me. And talked about us staying at this other cottage some time together and mentioning the weekend away weve got planned at end of the month.

So for the time being I remain in hope and positive.... 🙂

[Rose Mosse]

The more you lose yourself in this relationship living her life, the less you're present in yours. Hopefully you are still engaged with your hobbies, interests, children's lives and coparenting well with your ex-wife.

You don't say much about yourself and my point earlier is staying engaged with your own ongoings, not losing yourself in this relationship just because you love her. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship that is one-sided a lot of the time. 

[MissCanuck]

You're going to get your heart crushed, OP. I can almost see it coming. 

One day, she will start to pull back. Not be as available to see you and the texting and calls will start to dry up. You will wonder where she's gone, why she's so quiet, you will make excuses in your mind about how busy she is. And when you can't take the anxiety any longer, you will ask her if everything is ok. She will remind you that this is no longer a relationship, and this is as good as it's going to get. 

And then you will realize how unwise it was to accept breadcrumbs. "Slow things down" has already devolved into "not interested in a relationship." This is regressing, not progressing. You are going about this all wrong, in other words. Of course she's happy when you continue to be her no-strings, sometimes-boyfriend. She gets to have all the fun without the emotional commitment to you. 

But how long do you really feel that's going to be enough for you? These sorts of flimsy, nebulous arrangements don't usually last.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, UKLondonborn71 said:

I have realized I have never met someone so busy in all my life. I in comparison atm have all the time in the world, too much time in fact 

Sorry this is happening. This is the key element. She has way too much on her plate. 

She is basically feeling suffocated so needs to downshift this to FWB.

Step way back. Only go on one-on-one romantic dates and skip all the tagging along with her.

Keep yourself busy with your work, kids, family, friends, and hobbies.

Give her room to breathe.

[UKLondonborn71]

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

The more you lose yourself in this relationship living her life, the less you're present in yours. Hopefully you are still engaged with your hobbies, interests, children's lives and coparenting well with your ex-wife.

You don't say much about yourself and my point earlier is staying engaged with your own ongoings, not losing yourself in this relationship just because you love her. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship that is one-sided a lot of the time. 

Hi Rose Mosse,  Since Sept when I had my knee Operation I have had a lot more time on my hands. I have been a lot more available and have seen less of my circle of friends. Last couple of months I have been reconnecting with more friends etc in my world, catching up with people  and getting out there again. She had mentioned before she didn't want someone who was they were her life, so I realized she was right and have been reconnecting and seeing people and doing my own thing again. Remember we don't see a lot of each other, was normally a few days each few weeks as she is 250kms away and is busy with her life. Apart from that I'm spending time with my children, well one of them and working on my house, trying to get it finished. So Ihear and value your concerns, but have been working on that! 🙂

[DarkCh0c0]

Yeah, she demoted you to some kind of fwb.

Is this something you want from being with this woman? Like, at this point in your life? Cause she's telling you she doesn't want a relationship, yet you keep following her.

I would say this agreement is good for her- not for you. Sure, you like her. But, she's not giving you what you need. And so she can't be "the one".

Had she had better boundaries and more decency, she would have stopped seeing you and stopped giving mixed signals with her affectionate fwb act vs. cold texts. But she's having her cake and eating it too.

My advice is for you to accept that this is not what you need and to stop getting in touch with her. When she's ready to be in GF mode, maybe she can get back in touch with you. Other than that, don't keep contact. You'll get hurt because you'll develop more feelings while she won't/doesn't want to. I'm sorry it turned out like this.

[UKLondonborn71]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You're going to get your heart crushed, OP. I can almost see it coming. 

One day, she will start to pull back. Not be as available to see you and the texting and calls will start to dry up. You will wonder where she's gone, why she's so quiet, you will make excuses in your mind about how busy she is. And when you can't take the anxiety any longer, you will ask her if everything is ok. She will remind you that this is no longer a relationship, and this is as good as it's going to get. 

And then you will realize how unwise it was to accept breadcrumbs. "Slow things down" has already devolved into "not interested in a relationship." This is regressing, not progressing. You are going about this all wrong, in other words. Of course she's happy when you continue to be her no-strings, sometimes-boyfriend. She gets to have all the fun without the emotional commitment to you. 

But how long do you really feel that's going to be enough for you? These sorts of flimsy, nebulous arrangements don't usually last.  

Thanks Miss Canuck, You may well be right..... I hope not, but right now I'm trying to keep busy with my life and take each day at a time. I will see how the next few weeks pan out, especially after the weekend at the end of the month. Clarity should be clearer after then, I may being foolish, but I find it hard to walk away right now. I do hope you're wrong and I don't get my heart broken, I'm trying to be strong, not weak or needy, hence am giving her space to work out her head, and am letting her chase, text/ph me the majority of the time at the moment. But I do thank you for your input.

Regards 🙂

 

[UKLondonborn71]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. This is the key element. She has way too much on her plate. 

She is basically feeling suffocated so needs to downshift this to FWB.

Step way back. Only go on one-on-one romantic dates and skip all the tagging along with her.

Keep yourself busy with your work, kids, family, friends, and hobbies.

Give her room to breathe.

Thank you Wiseman2!!! 

That is essentially how I see it at the moment (rightly or wrongly). She has involved me in her life, her families life since March last year, but the last 4 months has been Insane in how busy she has been with work,(working 6/7 days a week since Jan) kids, kids school and trying to manage 2 properties.  I believe that was what she was saying before, and still wants.....

I am now busy, last 2 months keeping and getting busy with my life... and have backed off rom her. Time will tell, especially the end of the month weekend away. 

Thank you for your Input!!! 🙂

Regards, Love and Peace!

[Batya33]

Refuse to let yourself indulge in psychobabble and big words and telling yourself this is complicated to avoid basic common sense.  Refuse to let yourself read into "signs" and dismiss what you want as just a label -it's not.  You want a potentially serious relationship with her and/or to stay serious.  Like many many people do who have never heard of styles like "attachment styles" or any kind of style.  And like many people she does not want a potentially serious or serious relationship with you now. You two are incompatible.

Just like if you were 5 year olds on a playdate and she wanted to play with action figures and you wanted to do a science experiment and mix different soda flavors together and you really really wanted this person to be your BFF and experiment with you but she prioritized her action figures. 

You could play separately and then hang out if one of you felt like seeing what the other was doing or you could decide to take your liquids and figures and go your separate ways and your parents could stay in touch in case there was a shared activity you both wanted to do in the future. But here there are no parents and staying in touch will end up making you feel too attached to what you want to experiment with (a future) and she is content to play with her action figures (her friends, date others) and doesn't feel attached to you. 

So you two are not good playmates right now.  If in the future she tires of her action figures and wants nothing more but to watch how you two spark together when you make your concotions she knows where to find you.  Tell her not to contact you unless she changes her mind and wants what you want and if you're still interested and available you'll consider it.  Make it clear you don't just see it as a label. Leave the pyschological analysis to the professionals.  Protect your heart and stay away.  Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, UKLondonborn71 said:

 I'm trying to be strong, not weak or needy, hence am giving her space to work out her head, and am letting her chase, text/ph me the majority of the time at the moment. But I do thank you for your input.

You already are, if I may be blunt. 

You're demonstrating a lack of self-respect and boundaries by continuing to allow her free access to you when she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. A strong man would have not signed up for this current nonsense. 

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, UKLondonborn71 said:

Hi Rose Mosse,  Since Sept when I had my knee Operation I have had a lot more time on my hands. I have been a lot more available and have seen less of my circle of friends. Last couple of months I have been reconnecting with more friends etc in my world, catching up with people  and getting out there again. She had mentioned before she didn't want someone who was they were her life, so I realized she was right and have been reconnecting and seeing people and doing my own thing again. Remember we don't see a lot of each other, was normally a few days each few weeks as she is 250kms away and is busy with her life. Apart from that I'm spending time with my children, well one of them and working on my house, trying to get it finished. So Ihear and value your concerns, but have been working on that! 🙂

It's wonderful that you are spending time with your children and working on your house. Keep maintaining those family relationships as they're your support. 

See how it goes but be mindful that you're not in a relationship so she's free to see others or enjoy the company of others, and find someone else who is more compatible with her. I think you're in a tough and sad spot and she hasn't treated you as well as she ought to. She knows that too. The way she stayed for two years in her previous relationship while knowing it was over awhile ago is also a strong indicator that she stays in relationships long past their due date and this may not always be fair to the other person.

 

 

[Andrina]

16 hours ago, UKLondonborn71 said:

I agree Im not top of her priorities atm, her kids will always come first and that is how it should be.

It's ridiculous to think that a partner can't ALSO be a priority. An example: A couple makes sure they have couple's time by getting a babysitter for dates nights, because it makes for a strong foundation. If the adults are happy, it makes for a nice environment for the kids. It's called a healthy balance of life, with time divvied out to a career, caring for the kids, quality time with a significant other, time with friends and extended family, and solo time.

I really couldn't be with a partner who blurted that I was into him more than he was into me. With the right partner, this would never be the case.

There are so many things like this that's she's said that shows she's really okay with you walking away. Because many of the things she's said would be dealbreakers for anyone with a healthy self esteem and to someone who won't accept anything less than he deserves.

Someone who truly loves you won't need space from you like you're toxic fumes.

Someone who truly loves you will want your relationship to progress, not regress.

You sound like a catch, but instead, you're acting like a doormat. Yes, it's hard to walk away, but isn't it harder to invest more time in someone who says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with wonderful you, who she fully knows after a year together? Hold out for someone who will never want to let you go, not even once.

Never stay in hopes things will improve, as that's a waste of time and extremely low odds. Look at the present to make your decisions. We on the forum have the advantage of not loving your partner, so can see things more reasonably. You might want to listen to the advice given here, since you did ask, and we're more objective. Take care and keep us updated.

[junebug123]

You know I wouldn’t be surprised if your past relationships have been like this. You need to set boundaries with people.

Its like how some people always complain that their boss takes advantage of them at work. Well, that’s probably every single job for “those” people.

Once you learn to set terms and are willing to walk away from the relationship when terms are violated, then you will see a shift in the power dynamic. Unfortunately, I think this one is already ruined spoiled. She let the last guy move in immediately and she’s keeping you at arms bay.

Either she’s not over her ex or your just a rebound until something better comes along. If she doesn’t respect you, she will never want to be in a relationship with you.

[smackie9]

You are not her Mr. Right only her Mr. Right Now. I know you were hoping to find someone to give you words of confidence that you should hold onto hope, but you are just too blinded by your desire....time to pull away, and redirect yourself somewhere else with someone that wants a relationship. When things stop progressing and things go backwards, that's your cue to cut your losses.