New Relationship (kinda)

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

For now you should just wait for your double date lake activity. Don’t text her make her miss you. And of course if you like someone else go for it you can’t wait for her forever.

It doesn't sound like she misses him now or would miss him - she told him exactly where she stands, again.  She wants to make sure things are not awkward since they have mutual friends.  She's looking out for her own interests which is a smart thing to do when someone is pursuing you this much and you do not want to lead the person on.

[boltnrun]

29 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

For now you should just wait for your double date lake activity. Don’t text her make her miss you. And of course if you like someone else go for it you can’t wait for her forever.

Is it in fact a double date?  You've confirmed with her that it's a date that just includes you, her and another couple?

[thelogride]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It doesn't sound like she misses him now or would miss him - she told him exactly where she stands, again.  She wants to make sure things are not awkward since they have mutual friends.  She's looking out for her own interests which is a smart thing to do when someone is pursuing you this much and you do not want to lead the person on.

She doesn’t want to date that’s confirmed. But.. she did say she really likes me (more than just a friend) but she isn’t in a position to date. Only be friends. Which I can’t blame her because when I got out of my past relationships I absolutely wanted nothing to do with a new relationship until I was ready. I’m sure she’s the same way. We were going pretty fast and it was a shell shock and she just said no, I can’t do this right now. I’m just leaving the door open for when we’re around each other this summer because we definitely will be, and feelings and mental states can change by then. Even tho it’s only a month away. Our mutual friends do want us together so there’s that bias, and El is aware of that I think. Who knows what will happen between now and then, but I did like talking to her but maybe it just wasn’t the time for it. Maybe later. Who really knows. 

[thelogride]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is it in fact a double date?  You've confirmed with her that it's a date that just includes you, her and another couple?

Good point, not actually a “date” but it’s confirmed just us and another couple. So I mean.. is that a date?? I’d say yes but more so friendly. Other people may or may not come along too but that’s unlikely bc this lake is a good distance away. It’s more so hanging out through mutual friends who happen to be dating. But she’s very well aware of that. 

[Batya33]

Just now, thelogride said:

She doesn’t want to date that’s confirmed. But.. she did say she really likes me (more than just a friend) but she isn’t in a position to date. Only be friends. Which I can’t blame her because when I got out of my past relationships I absolutely wanted nothing to do with a new relationship until I was ready. I’m sure she’s the same way. We were going pretty fast and it was a shell shock and she just said no, I can’t do this right now. I’m just leaving the door open for when we’re around each other this summer because we definitely will be, and feelings and mental states can change by then. Even tho it’s only a month away. Our mutual friends do want us together so there’s that bias, and El is aware of that I think. Who knows what will happen between now and then, but I did like talking to her but maybe it just wasn’t the time for it. Maybe later. Who really knows. 

As I wrote above assume she is ready to date generally and does not want to date you.  Because you may see and or hear about her and if you see and or hear that she is dating someone it will hurt a lot more than if you accept right now that even if she was ready to date she would not pick you.  She didn't say she would right -especially in this conversation.  I would not leave a door open for dating -you can prop it open if she opens the door in the future.  Your mutual friends' desires are completely irrelevant nor would you want someone to be with you based on some notion of peer approval. 

Again who knows what can happen -the sky could fall- what you now know is for whatever reason -doesn't really matter -she does not want to date you.  Accept it and move on IMO and stop talking about her behind her back.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, thelogride said:

Good point, not actually a “date” but it’s confirmed just us and another couple. So I mean.. is that a date?? I’d say yes but more so friendly. Other people may or may not come along too but that’s unlikely bc this lake is a good distance away. It’s more so hanging out through mutual friends who happen to be dating. But she’s very well aware of that. 

I would assume that to her it is not a date as she told you she doesn't want to date you.  I don't mean to be harsh but it will be really awkward if she senses that you see this as some sort of date.  

[thelogride]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I would assume that to her it is not a date as she told you she doesn't want to date you.  I don't mean to be harsh but it will be really awkward if she senses that you see this as some sort of date.  

It’s not a date and I know that. There will be no romantic activities going on. We’re just friends. We’ll be getting to know each other better though which maybe there will be a connection, but again that’s not guaranteed. Just something that I’m hoping happens but not expecting it to. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, thelogride said:

It’s not a date and I know that. There will be no romantic activities going on. We’re just friends. We’ll be getting to know each other better though which maybe there will be a connection, but again that’s not guaranteed. Just something that I’m hoping happens but not expecting it to. 

If you hope that to happen make sure you don't attend this event.  It's not fair to either of you.  She will sense this, you will be even more hurt.  Not a healthy situation.  She is happy to be on cordial terms with you because you two have mutual friends.  Even if you became closer friends she doesn't see you as someone she would like to date.  Becoming closer friends doesn't spark any romantic connection. Please stop lying to yourself and avoid being around her if you have these 'hopes".

[thelogride]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you hope that to happen make sure you don't attend this event.  It's not fair to either of you.  She will sense this, you will be even more hurt.  Not a healthy situation.  She is happy to be on cordial terms with you because you two have mutual friends.  Even if you became closer friends she doesn't see you as someone she would like to date.  Becoming closer friends doesn't spark any romantic connection. Please stop lying to yourself and avoid being around her if you have these 'hopes".

She saw me as someone she could potentially date just a week ago. She even said I would be a good person to date for her specifically, but right now it wouldn’t be fair because of where’s she’s at and needs to focus on herself and go through the “post breakup process” first.  Which does exist I’ve gone through it. It’s not like I’m getting these baseless hopes from nothing, everything that I’m hopeful for she’s said or confirmed to be true. I also feel that if she really felt this way then she wouldn’t have shut me down. She also could be shutting me down so she doesn’t ruin anything with all she has going on right now. Regardless, everything that I’ve said that gives me “hope” is all things that she’s said to me. I’m not grasping for straws here, I’m grasping onto her own words. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, thelogride said:

She saw me as someone she could potentially date just a week ago. She even said I would be a good person to date for her specifically, but right now it wouldn’t be fair because of where’s she’s at and needs to focus on herself and go through the “post breakup process” first.  Which does exist I’ve gone through it. It’s not like I’m getting these baseless hopes from nothing, everything that I’m hopeful for she’s said or confirmed to be true. I also feel that if she really felt this way then she wouldn’t have shut me down. She also could be shutting me down so she doesn’t ruin anything with all she has going on right now. Regardless, everything that I’ve said that gives me “hope” is all things that she’s said to me. I’m not grasping for straws here, I’m grasping onto her own words. 

You're telling yourself fairy tales. She changed her mind -she may have thought she was interested and then she changed her mind.  She said this time the purpose in being on good terms is because you and she will see each other around. She's smart to not lead you on and to try to keep things calm and chill given how intensely you are pursuing her and trying to get her friends to help you.  Someone who wants to date you or thinks they will in the near future will want you to know that 100% so they have a shot at not losing this awesome opportunity.  Anything less is "meh" and this is not even meh -she told you that she doesn't want to date you.

Also this way if/when you hear about her dating or trying to date someone else or you see her flirting with other men at the lake you will know you were not led on.  You're not her analyst- just a guy chasing her.  She is focusing on what is best for her -making sure she is not leading you on and she will double down on this when she hears about you trying to enlist her friends to help you grab her attention.  Stay away and move on.

[boltnrun]

If you're truly friends you won't be hurt at all if she dates someone else or if she brings another guy on the lake trip.

If that would hurt you...you're not feeling friendly toward her.

One of my guy friends really wanted to date me.  He too was convinced that I would have refused to spend time with him if I truly wasn't interested.  But I took him at his word when he called himself my friend.  He was lying.  He tried once too many times to try get me to date him so I ended up having to stop being his friend and stop spending time with him.

Please don't do what my former friend did and lurk around trying to get her to change her mind.  It would be upsetting to her and to you.

[thelogride]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're telling yourself fairy tales. She changed her mind -she may have thought she was interested and then she changed her mind.  She said this time the purpose in being on good terms is because you and she will see each other around. She's smart to not lead you on and to try to keep things calm and chill given how intensely you are pursuing her and trying to get her friends to help you.  Someone who wants to date you or thinks they will in the near future will want you to know that 100% so they have a shot at not losing this awesome opportunity.  Anything less is "meh" and this is not even meh -she told you that she doesn't want to date you.

Also this way if/when you hear about her dating or trying to date someone else or you see her flirting with other men at the lake you will know you were not led on.  You're not her analyst- just a guy chasing her.  She is focusing on what is best for her -making sure she is not leading you on and she will double down on this when she hears about you trying to enlist her friends to help you grab her attention.  Stay away and move on.

I wouldn’t say fairy tales considering she literally said these things, but yes I’ll agree she clearly changed her mind. She happened to change her mind after hanging out too, which for the record she said it was too much too soon for her to be in a position like that and she wasn’t expecting to feel that way. I was the also the first person she hung out with since her breakup, so maybe I’m the Guinea pig experiment. I truly don’t think she will be dating anyone in the near future but it’s definitely possible, nothing is holding her back. I only think this way because she told me if she was in a different point in her life right now (not mourning and being depressed from her ex) then I would be ideal for her. She just doesn’t want anything right now period. And no, that’s not me trying to convince myself that this is the truth, this is what she’s said to me directly and also for the mutual friend. 
 

i really do understand because I talked to some girls after my breakups and they seemed great and I should’ve done better talking to them but didn’t because I didn’t want anything serious because I was still hurting. Ultimately they moved on from me right away and found a new boyfriend. Something I should probably do right now by finding a new girlfriend instead of hoping time makes things work out between us, such as trying again this summer. So much can happen between now and then, and honestly with the way my brain works I wouldn’t be surprised if I want nothing to do with El by this summer in all honesty.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, thelogride said:

That’s me obviously hinting at maybe when more time has past circumstances will change, which is highly possible.

No its not, its downright impossible. She already told you how she sees you. Problem is that you are making excuses for her hoping that would change. It wont. No matter how much time passes and if you hang out or not. Heck, she might even be friendly because she has to see you when friends are there. Not because she even wants friendship. 

I am not telling you this to put you down. I am teling you this so you could stop wasting your time. On somebody who really doesnt give you anything aside answering your message every now and then. No matter how you think it wont, it will hinder you from moving on. Because you will always think there is something there. While there isnt a realistic chance there ever will be. That is why you need to forget and just move on. And not wonder about some girl that didnt want to even go out with you alone.

[thelogride]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

No its not, its downright impossible. She already told you how she sees you. Problem is that you are making excuses for her hoping that would change. It wont. No matter how much time passes and if you hang out or not. Heck, she might even be friendly because she has to see you when friends are there. Not because she even wants friendship. 

I am not telling you this to put you down. I am teling you this so you could stop wasting your time. On somebody who really doesnt give you anything aside answering your message every now and then. No matter how you think it wont, it will hinder you from moving on. Because you will always think there is something there. While there isnt a realistic chance there ever will be. That is why you need to forget and just move on. And not wonder about some girl that didnt want to even go out with you alone.

I know you’re saying this to help and not put me down and I appreciate that. She doesn’t want anything now, that’s obvious. But she did agree that who knows what the future holds and when she’s ready. That’s no guarantee by any means, however she said she’s interested and finds me attractive so I mean that has to mean something too. Obviously you and everyone else on an online thread don’t know the specifics, only the general overview of everything. I promise it goes deeper than this and there’s so much left unsaid but it’s just way too much to post on here. Bottom line: she says she wants me, she says she’s not ready for something serious, says she wants to remain friends because she likes me, and then says she’s looking forward to seeing me this summer. Sounds strange, usually if you don’t want anything at all you don’t tell someone that you want them and find them attractive and that you’re looking forward to this summer. 

[MissCanuck]

All of this angst for a woman you haven't even had one proper date with?

OP, you're way too intense. 

[thelogride]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

All of this angst for a woman you haven't even had one proper date with?

OP, you're way too intense. 

Yup.. I don’t understand how I get so attached so fast. I’ve done the same thing with other girls too but didn’t get attached so I’m not sure why this one is different. I must have some unresolved issues underneath. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, thelogride said:

 I must have some unresolved issues underneath. 

This is not a deep Freudian tragedy. It's simply two nosy friends playing matchmaker and pawning off someone who doesn't want to date and she was crystal clear on that.

Just ignore her and move forward dating others. Let her friends listen to her heartbreak.

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Yup.. I don’t understand how I get so attached so fast. I’ve done the same thing with other girls too but didn’t get attached so I’m not sure why this one is different. I must have some unresolved issues underneath. 

Yes -and you can fake it till you make it by not acting out your attachments and meanwhile find appropriate resources to find out why you are choosing to react to your feelings in this self-absorbed way and lying to yourself.  You really risk someone getting quite upset with you if you keep this up.  (And foregoing opportunities to date women who are interested in dating you).

[thelogride]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -and you can fake it till you make it by not acting out your attachments and meanwhile find appropriate resources to find out why you are choosing to react to your feelings in this self-absorbed way and lying to yourself.  You really risk someone getting quite upset with you if you keep this up.  (And foregoing opportunities to date women who are interested in dating you).

I’ve been faking it until I make it, unfortunately I learned this the hard way in the past. As far as El knows, I’m perfectly fine with where things stand. I know in my mind that I’m not fine with it, but I never said anything or pester her. I’m just faking it and wearing a mask to hide how I truly feel. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, thelogride said:

I’ve been faking it until I make it, unfortunately I learned this the hard way in the past. As far as El knows, I’m perfectly fine with where things stand. I know in my mind that I’m not fine with it, but I never said anything or pester her. I’m just faking it and wearing a mask to hide how I truly feel. 

But you're not because she will know through your mutual friend what you spoke about -so she does know or will know. That's not hiding your feelings -it's the opposite.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, thelogride said:

As far as El knows, I’m perfectly fine with where things stand.

Believe me, if you've already revealed to her best friend how upset you are, she is going to know you're not fine with it (and chances are that she already does)

I would worry less about this specific woman, and more about tempering your urge to get invested and attached too quickly. Learning to navigate dating without getting your hopes up way too soon is an important skill that will serve you well. 

[thelogride]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Believe me, if you've already revealed to her best friend how upset you are, she is going to know you're not fine with it (and chances are that she already does)

I would worry less about this specific woman, and more about tempering your urge to get invested and attached too quickly. Learning to navigate dating without getting your hopes up way too soon is an important skill that will serve you well. 

Agreed, and normally I am great without getting too invested. This seems to be a one off (minus the girls I’ve actually dated) and I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. I can’t explain how I got so attached so quickly, it just doesn’t make any logical sense. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Agreed, and normally I am great without getting too invested. This seems to be a one off (minus the girls I’ve actually dated) and I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. I can’t explain how I got so attached so quickly, it just doesn’t make any logical sense. 

But you also got emotionally attached to the military lady who you never actually met and who is stationed 12 hours away. So this is becoming a pattern. It's worth reflecting on why that is.

[thelogride]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But you also got emotionally attached to the military lady who you never actually met and who is stationed 12 hours away. So this is becoming a pattern. It's worth reflecting on why that is.

That’s also true, can’t believe I already forgot about her lol. It’s almost like this new girl took over my thoughts. Any ideas on reflecting on why this is? I feel somewhat hopeless in this never ending loop. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, thelogride said:

That’s also true, can’t believe I already forgot about her lol. It’s almost like this new girl took over my thoughts. Any ideas on reflecting on why this is? I feel somewhat hopeless in this never ending loop. 

What do you do when you have these thoughts? Do you just sit and wallow in them or do you actively do something to redirect your thoughts?

Look into CBT. It works to basically replace rumination and circular thoughts. But you have to actively choose to do it. It's not going to just go away.