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New Relationship (kinda)


thelogride
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33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know why anyone would want someone who had to "try" to want to be with them.

Absolutely agreed. 

I have also turned down a guy who was good-looking and nice, but I just wasn't attracted to him. I can't explain why. That's the nature of chemistry. It isn't always logical and tangible. And I also wasn't about to force myself to do something I wasn't naturally inclined to do - in this case, obligate myself to go out with him when I just wasn't into him. That doesn't generally end well. 

On the contrary, I was once wildly attracted to a guy I knew. He maybe wasn't the most obviously handsome guy in the room, but there was something about him I was incredibly drawn to. That was years ago now, and to this day, I can't put my finger on what it was about him that made me think sinful thoughts. But there it was. 

It's not always going to make sense, OP. And it's not something you (or she) should ever try to force. You'll be much better off waiting for a woman who doesn't need to be convinced into giving you a shot. 

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41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Boltnrun makes excellent points.  I’ll add that doctor Phil always said never ever try to convince someone to be with you. 
you’re analyzing something that defies analysis. Many people choose not to go on a first second third fourth date - sometimes a specific reason.  Sometimes just because. Sometimes it’s someone else. Sometimes it’s the dream of someone else.

You’re approaching this as if you deserve a second chance if someone isn’t into you after a date or a couple of dates because you’re a nice person and you are really into the person.  Doesn’t work that way. This is dating. Not a business interaction.  dating requires a thick skin.
The only reason I worked on my thick skin and put up with the disappointments and stress and frustration is because  I was in it for finding the right person to marry plus the opportunity to try for a biological child. (Or adopt as needed ). the many years of work and stress and some tears and pulling my hair out at times was worth it only because of the forever goal.
 I never ever felt angry or frustrated because a man decided not to ask me out again.  Never felt I somehow deserved another chance. There are no such entitlements in dating. I was subject to men who persisted and were angry with me. One of them harassed me on email after thanking me for my honesty for saying no to a third date and explaining it was because I wasn’t feeling chemistry.
 

Then he was really angry that I’d talked with him on the phone an hour at a time over about a weeks time. On reflection he thought I’d led him on. And sent me email after email venting at me.  quite unhinged and scary. Then he apologized and wanted to be friends.  (Nope) 

Then my future husband called me “hey you know how we were going to meet for a quick dinner while I’m in town ?  Well tonight works all of a sudden - want to meet?”  My thought : yes!!! Because if you have dinner with an ex fiancé he probably won’t ask about dating life. Sparks flew.  One month later we got back together.  See how randomly it can happen ??  I was shocked at the sparks and he was too. And I was a little surprised I felt nothing for Unhinged Dude but it was partly because on our second date he was creepily clingy.  
good luck to you !

This just proves to show that absolutely anything can happen, and you’re right it does take thick skin to date and I’ll be the first to say I don’t have that thick of skin lol. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s not intentional, just part of who I am but I know there’s efforts I can make to get thicker skin. 
 

here’s what I do know, and something I’ve always told myself and live by (even tho right now I’m not necessarily living by it): it’ll happen when you least expect it. I know you can’t force it and I know that’s basically what I’ve been doing here by hoping and trying to “convince” this girl that we do click. I know it doesn’t work that way. I could go to the gas station right now and bump into someone as the fuel pump and that could be all there is to it.. nothing forced. I could get in fender bender with a lady and we hit it off. That’s unlikely, but you get my point. I know that if I put myself first, and focus on bettering myself, then the woman will come when I least expect it. I need to do better. 

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But definitely don't waste hours and hours on an electronic device with a woman. That creates a false sense of connection and intimacy. 

Meet in person,ask for a date. If she says some version of "no" then move on. 

There are literally thousands of pretty, nice young women out there. Go outside and look around, they're everywhere. Many of them will like you and be eager and delighted to date you.

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But definitely don't waste hours and hours on an electronic device with a woman. That creates a false sense of connection and intimacy. 

Meet in person,ask for a date. If she says some version of "no" then move on. 

There are literally thousands of pretty, nice young women out there. Go outside and look around, they're everywhere. Many of them will like you and be eager and delighted to date you.

I think that’s great advice.. thank you so much. I know I put a lot of thought into digital communication, and clearly I do get a false sense of connection and security as we have just seen. 
 

Sometimes the term “playing hard to get” or “good things don’t come easy” come into my mind and make me think it’s worth pursuing someone who’s not immediately interested. I think I need to lose those sayings from my vocabulary. 

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Good things don't come easy. Otherwise, what value would the right relationship have? However, that saying doesn't mean "keep pursuing someone who's clearly stated or otherwise shown they're not interested". 

As for "playing", are you in this for games? Or to meet the right woman?

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19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Good things don't come easy. Otherwise, what value would the right relationship have? However, that saying doesn't mean "keep pursuing someone who's clearly stated or otherwise shown they're not interested". 

As for "playing", are you in this for games? Or to meet the right woman?

No games, the right woman. I think I need to give myself more credit and have some esteem as well and tell myself that if they aren’t straightforward or want to play games then I deserve better. My self esteem is very low. 

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2 hours ago, thelogride said:

his just proves to show that absolutely anything can happen, and you’re right it does take thick skin to date and I’ll be the first to say I don’t have that thick of skin lol. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s not intentional, just part of who I am but I know there’s efforts I can make to get thicker skin. 
 

here’s what I do know, and something I’ve always told myself and live by (even tho right now I’m not necessarily living by it): it’ll happen when you least expect it.

No it's not just the way you are -you can feel emotional and choose not to act on it.  The acting on it is totally intentional.  You can develop a thick skin -I had to -I wouldn't be married now if I hadn't as I'd have been too jaded and bitter to be open to falling in love with my husband - it takes work -self-honesty, building strength and endurance, maybe therapy -but to me it was worth it.

I was never willing to go with the romantic cliche "least expect it."  I knew for my goals of marriage and parenthood I had to be proactive.  Not desperate.  Not "force it" but certainly not leave it to chance.  My story with my husband can be told like a "least expect it" for sure but the truth is I had to become the right person to find the right person.  And I'll stick to that version. 

I was out there, proactively leading a fun, fulfliling life full of socializing, networking, learning, trying new things, travel, lots and lots of art and culture, making and maintaining friendships, setting friends up on dates (which I still do), etc.   I made specific choices to do what I could not to get jaded or cynical and it worked.  

I don't think you have to put yourself first in any general sense. Life is fluid so it depends.  I had to put myself second on Mother's Day and put my husband first because he was graduating and my son got to see him graduate. It's not about deciding to "focus" on yourself or do some self-absorbed thing of telling yourself how awesome you are.

Rather show yourself self-respect by having appropriate boundaries, by working hard at whatever you are passionate about, by treating your body with respect - reasonably healthy diet, exercise, hydration, enough sleep.  Walk with good posture.  Made good and appropriate eye contact with people.  You never know who's going to introduce you to your future wife.  That person will do a better job of that if they regard you as a reasonably confident person and a perso who is compassionate and thoughtful from a perspective of confidence as opposed to people pleaser.

 

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3 hours ago, thelogride said:

No games, the right woman. I think I need to give myself more credit and have some esteem as well and tell myself that if they aren’t straightforward or want to play games then I deserve better. My self esteem is very low. 

You can change your behavior so you're not contributing to your own low self esteem. Pursuing women who are 12 hours away and who you never met in person or continuing to spend hours a day messaging and talking to a woman who already declined your invitation for a date isn't going to make your self esteem better. 

However, think about how it would feel if you're playing on a sports team or volunteering or at an event and you strike up a conversation with a nice, attractive young woman. And she offers you her number or asks you out for coffee. Wouldn't that feel good?

As long as you don't make the same mistake and start a bunch of nonsense messages that go on for hours and days but instead call her and ask her out or accept her invitation for coffee. Change your behavior and you can change your life.

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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You can change your behavior so you're not contributing to your own low self esteem. Pursuing women who are 12 hours away and who you never met in person or continuing to spend hours a day messaging and talking to a woman who already declined your invitation for a date isn't going to make your self esteem better. 

However, think about how it would feel if you're playing on a sports team or volunteering or at an event and you strike up a conversation with a nice, attractive young woman. And she offers you her number or asks you out for coffee. Wouldn't that feel good?

As long as you don't make the same mistake and start a bunch of nonsense messages that go on for hours and days but instead call her and ask her out or accept her invitation for coffee. Change your behavior and you can change your life.

Yeah the woman 12 hours away was just stupid on my part. I don’t even know what I was doing and thankfully now I don’t care about that anymore lol. Yes, the current girl I’m stuck on did decline a date right away yet still would want to talk all day and be flirty. While she did say she wasn’t looking for a relationship at this time, she was very flirty and mentioned “we’ll see what the future holds”. That’s truly what fueled my hope in all honesty. I know what it’s like fresh off a breakup and honestly thought she just needed time. And honestly, who knows what the future holds. I may never speak to her again or she may emerge from the shadows and come out of nowhere. More than likely she will not want to try things, but you get my point. 
 

It would feel good to find someone who’s genuinely interested and WANTS to go on a date and wants to be with me. That would be wonderful. I don’t know why I’m so caught up on someone that I can’t have who doesn’t reflect the above.. I just hate thinking that she’s probably out on a date right now with someone and I wasn’t good enough to take to her on a date. I hope that last sentence makes sense, it honestly makes me feel demoralized. I am in my feels tonight so sorry for the negativity, but I know I’m getting better. Thank the Lord we weren’t actually dating and went on multiple dates etc, because I would be distraught. 

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Talk all day and be "flirty" over an electronic device or...a woman you can spend time with in person, hold hands, kiss, cuddle, share experiences with, go places with...which do you prefer? Someone you have to lurk around and wait and hope she'll change her mind and decide to go on a date with you, or someone who knows for a fact she wants to date you and be with you.  Which sounds better?

And remember, SHE is not right for YOU. She wanted to waste time on electronic devices. What a turn off, IMO.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Talk all day and be "flirty" over an electronic device or...a woman you can spend time with in person, hold hands, kiss, cuddle, share experiences with, go places with...which do you prefer? Someone you have to lurk around and wait and hope she'll change her mind and decide to go on a date with you, or someone who knows for a fact she wants to date you and be with you.  Which sounds better?

And remember, SHE is not right for YOU. She wanted to waste time on electronic devices. What a turn off, IMO.

Great perspective. I’d much prefer the latter as opposed to being chained to a phone wondering wth is actually going on and hoping it can turn to something legitimate. 
 

Can I ask you something.. you say she isn’t right for me. What makes you say that? Because she was the one who turned me down so would I not be right for her? Granted, she gave me NOTHING that’s even somewhat compelling and attractive other than being flirty and chatty. I have no reason to even feel this way about her, I shouldn’t even give her a second thought in all honesty. 

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Maybe you need to get over your ex GF. This way building these walls around yourself with improbable and impossible situations will finally end.

You're actually not letting anyone in. You're hiding behind a wall. It's not about the obvious uninterested woman here being unavailable. 

It's about you being unavailable. You're chasing windmills to push available people away.

Once you clear up why you're terrified of real relationships you'll figure it out. Right now pining over a completely nonviable situation is your armor against dating and relationships.

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8 hours ago, thelogride said:

Can I ask you something.. you say she isn’t right for me. What makes you say that? Because she was the one who turned me down so would I not be right for her? Granted, she gave me NOTHING that’s even somewhat compelling and attractive other than being flirty and chatty. I have no reason to even feel this way about her, I shouldn’t even give her a second thought in all honesty. 

She's not right for you because being right means each person being interested in dating the other.  You want to meet someone to date with potential for a serious relationship.  She didn't want to date you.  That means she's not the right person for you, not the right match.

It's safer to chase unavailable women/women who don't want to date you.  Consider whether you are scared or anxious about dating someone who is into you, getting to know a person in person, knowing it won't be fueled by the thrill of the chase or the excitement of uncertainty.  

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8 hours ago, thelogride said:

It would feel good to find someone who’s genuinely interested and WANTS to go on a date and wants to be with me. That would be wonderful. I don’t know why I’m so caught up on someone that I can’t have who doesn’t reflect the above.. I just hate thinking that she’s probably out on a date right now with someone and I wasn’t good enough to take to her on a date.

That is a very wrong way to look at things. And to assess your own self-worth based on somebody else preferences. I have a friend that only values physical(and for a guy to have a long hair from some reason). Some girls prefer "bad guys". Somebody to treat them bad while they are on never ending quest to "change them". Now imagine thinking you are not worth it. Because somebody is superficial and wont give you a chance. Or because you wont treat them bad.

Your own self-worth comes from you. You need to see yourself as "good enough" and as "worthy" of dating. And to work on that if you dont see that. What somebody else preference is, that is not your concern and the measure of your worth. Somebody doesnt want you? OK, their loss, somebody else will. Is it dissapointing and demoralizing sometimes? Sure. But shouldnt stop you in just moving on and try with somebody else. 

Why are you so caught up? Well, frankly, I think its because you get caught up in "potential". You saw some potential there and got caught there. Ignoring red flags and tangling yourself more in the process. Not everybody that we meet and talk are a good match for us. You want somebody who wants to go on a date with you. And yet you got caught up on a person who said to you "That would be like a date so that is a no." when you asked her to go for ice cream. Dont be afraid to just walk away. There is no shame in that and it will shorten a periods like this. When you get caught in wanting to date somebody just because you saw something in them, even though signs show you arent a good match. 

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2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is a very wrong way to look at things. And to assess your own self-worth based on somebody else preferences. I have a friend that only values physical(and for a guy to have a long hair from some reason). Some girls prefer "bad guys". Somebody to treat them bad while they are on never ending quest to "change them". Now imagine thinking you are not worth it. Because somebody is superficial and wont give you a chance. Or because you wont treat them bad.

Your own self-worth comes from you. You need to see yourself as "good enough" and as "worthy" of dating. And to work on that if you dont see that. What somebody else preference is, that is not your concern and the measure of your worth. Somebody doesnt want you? OK, their loss, somebody else will. Is it dissapointing and demoralizing sometimes? Sure. But shouldnt stop you in just moving on and try with somebody else. 

Why are you so caught up? Well, frankly, I think its because you get caught up in "potential". You saw some potential there and got caught there. Ignoring red flags and tangling yourself more in the process. Not everybody that we meet and talk are a good match for us. You want somebody who wants to go on a date with you. And yet you got caught up on a person who said to you "That would be like a date so that is a no." when you asked her to go for ice cream. Dont be afraid to just walk away. There is no shame in that and it will shorten a periods like this. When you get caught in wanting to date somebody just because you saw something in them, even though signs show you arent a good match. 

I do think past relationships have really had a bad impact on me. I’ve had two serious girlfriends and they both ended in disaster. One of them (my first one) was constantly cheating on me and made me fee responsible for that. That really made me feel like I wasn’t enough and destroyed my self-esteem. The second one was just so strange.. we were dating yet she hardly ever wanted to see me. She would always make excuses and we would hang out maybe once every couple of weeks. That relationship blew up too because I was wanting more. This is all my experience with having an actual girlfriend, and they both were horrible experiences. 

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8 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I do think past relationships have really had a bad impact on me. I’ve had two serious girlfriends and they both ended in disaster. One of them (my first one) was constantly cheating on me and made me fee responsible for that. That really made me feel like I wasn’t enough and destroyed my self-esteem. The second one was just so strange.. we were dating yet she hardly ever wanted to see me. She would always make excuses and we would hang out maybe once every couple of weeks. That relationship blew up too because I was wanting more. This is all my experience with having an actual girlfriend, and they both were horrible experiences. 

So a good lesson to learn is how to walk away. If someone is "constantly" cheating on you, why would you remain in the relationship? To "get" her to love you and only you? Why do you crave the love of a cheater? And someone who doesn't want to spend time with you? Again, why remain in the relationship? To "get" her to want to spend time with you?

You seen to only be interested in women who make things difficult for you. And the ones who clearly do like you, you aren't interested. 

Why is that? Do you believe love is something you have to "fight" for in order for it to mean anything? Do you believe if you can get the difficult ones to love you, it means you're worth loving? 

This dynamic is unhealthy. I'm glad you're seeking therapy because your actions are driving away the very thing you say you want, which is a secure relationship with a loving, committed partner who truly wants to be with you.

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12 hours ago, thelogride said:

Can I ask you something.. you say she isn’t right for me. What makes you say that?

She's not right for you because she doesn't want to be with you. She has a choice in the matter. 

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24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So a good lesson to learn is how to walk away. If someone is "constantly" cheating on you, why would you remain in the relationship? To "get" her to love you and only you? Why do you crave the love of a cheater? And someone who doesn't want to spend time with you? Again, why remain in the relationship? To "get" her to want to spend time with you?

You seen to only be interested in women who make things difficult for you. And the ones who clearly do like you, you aren't interested. 

Why is that? Do you believe love is something you have to "fight" for in order for it to mean anything? Do you believe if you can get the difficult ones to love you, it means you're worth loving? 

This dynamic is unhealthy. I'm glad you're seeking therapy because your actions are driving away the very thing you say you want, which is a secure relationship with a loving, committed partner who truly wants to be with you.

So usually I’m the one who’s hesitant to get into a relationship. My very first girlfriend basically did all the work to get me to date her because I had no interest. She really showed me she was interested and I said why not. Almost every girl I talk to I’m very hesitant, but once I commit I’m all in. It’s like I have no in between, I’m either not interested or you’re the woman of my life that I’ve been waiting for. It’s not right I know, but seems to be how I think and feel. I would love nothing more than for someone to want me as much as I want them, and I somehow convince myself that the girls who show obvious red flags are the ones worth having. I’m ass backwards with that I know, and I don’t know why I continue to put myself in painful situations when I darn well know what the outcome is going to be. Like when my first gf cheated on me, I stayed with her. Why would I do that??? I think I was so used to her and I couldn’t imagine life without her. That’s not the way to think because it’s almost as if I put all of my eggs in one basket. 

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Posted (edited)

Having just caught up on this a few things come to mind.

Saying you hid your tendency to attach quickly is part of the problem.  No matter how much you 'fake it 'til you make it', people can read this on you. That and your admitted low self esteme. Please know this.  She may have enjoyed getting to know you initially and when she sensed your intensity, she realized it wasn't for her. 

The conversation where you apologized and offered friendship seem to soften her.  She appears to be needing a friend in her life right now.  But when you doubled down immediately with "friends for the time being with the possibility of more in the future' she immediately flipped.   A woman who was brave enough to tell you no and is now fully aware that you are her friend with an agenda is going to make her rethink the friendship.  Because as others have pointed it, it really isn't just a friendship.  It's uncomfortable to be friends with someone who is hoping you will change your mind, especially after you've made it perfectly clear.

You continued to get stuck on her words that didn't make sense.  You overcomplicate things when it was pretty simple.  She was enthusiastic at the start and at some point something changed.  It happens all the time.  I've met men in my life that I thought were lovely, but for what ever reason . .some I can't for the life of me put my finger on, there was something missing.  I wished it differently and we went our different ways.  I always thought highly of them and the lack of chemistry or timing took absolutely nothing away from them.  I've been on the other end of this as well.  It happens all the time.  Get comfortable with it.

You go on further with a little bitterness and I get that's the disappointment talking.  To be expected.  But your tone is that of someone who's kindness was taken advantage of and given mixed messages.  But everything you shared, she was very clear on her feelings towards you.  Don't forget, you were one the one that offered friendship and she accepted your offer.  But again, you doubled down with a motive which forced her to reinforce what she already made perfectly clear.  Noone took advantage of you.  I'm sorry if these words are strong, but owning your responsibility for your tendency to only listen to things you want to hear and failing to look at the bigger picture won't serve you well.  

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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Posted (edited)
50 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Why would I do that???

Ok, unfortunately you're the common denominator in these situations so start there. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. See of anxiety, depression, etc. plays a role in any of this.  Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 It' s ok to unpack and sort out some of these issues and start replacing self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive healthy thoughts, choices and actions.

Going on and on about the one who got away, the one who's unavailable, the one who hurt you, etc. won't help you until you examine this with some guidance from a professional and change some things..

Edited by Wiseman2
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13 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Having just caught up on this a few things come to mind.

Saying you hid your tendency to attach quickly is part of the problem.  No matter how much you 'fake it 'til you make it', people can read this on you. That and your admitted low self esteme. Please know this.  She may have enjoyed getting to know you initially and when she sensed your intensity, she realized it wasn't for her. 

The conversation where you apologized and offered friendship seem to soften her.  She appears to be needing a friend in her life right now.  But when you doubled down immediately with "friends for the time being with the possibility of more in the future' she immediately flipped.   A woman who was brave enough to tell you no and is now fully aware that you are her friend with an agenda is going to make her rethink the friendship.  Because as others have pointed it, it really isn't just a friendship.

You continued to get stuck on her words that didn't make sense.  You overcomplicate things when it was pretty simple.  She was enthusiastic at the start and at some point something changed.  It happens all the time.  I've met men in my life that I thought were lovely, but for what ever reason . .some I can't for the life of me put my finger on, there was something missing.  I wished it differently and we went our different ways.  I always thought highly of them and the lack of chemistry or timing took absolutely nothing away from them.  I've been on the other end of this as well.  It happens all the time.  Get comfortable with it.

You go on further with a little bitterness and I get that's the disappointment talking.  To be expected.  But your tone is that of someone who's kindness was taken advantage of and given mixed messages.  But everything you shared, she was very clear on her feelings towards you.  Don't forget, you were one the one that offered friendship and she accepted your offer.  But again, you doubled down with a motive which forced her to reinforce what she already made perfectly clear.  Noone took advantage of you.  I'm sorry if these words are strong, but owning your responsibility for your tendency to only listen to things you want to hear and failing to look at the bigger picture won't serve you well.  

 

I understand and agree with you completely. Everything you said is true and accurate. I did over complicate things by only looking at bits and pieces that I wanted to look at and hold onto the hope. Now, I honestly did want to be her friend because I really do like this girl and care for her, much like she cares for me. After thinking about it though and continuing to talk to her, I had a change of mind and did what’s best for me by saying I don’t think I can be friends in the capacity that we are now. I would simply be devastated talking to her daily and see her with another man. It’s nothing against her, but I’m saving myself from the inevitable hurt. I think I have the right to change my mind too, no? She was straight forward from the beginning and still gave me an opportunity with time to think about things and see what happened. That’s totally fair and she doesn’t owe me anything. Just like how I changed my mind about being close friends, she could very well change her mind too with my absence now and say hey, maybe he IS the guy I need. My point being is we both can change our minds, and being her close friend is definitely not in my best interest. I’m looking out for myself. I told her I couldn’t be friendzoned because of this reason, and she didn’t like that at all. But, I can’t be her “best friend” and continue talking to her daily. I’m not in the right state of mind to do that as much as I love talking to her. 

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Really great input.  I'll add that it's not helpful to anyone to think of it as someone else's "loss" because that person might decline to date you.  That decision is right for that person. That person is not losing out on getting to know how awesome you are - because not everyone will think you have awesome qualities despite treating you with respect and manners.  And that's ok.  And ok if you don't think someone else who is supposed to be "all that" is all that.  

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I’ll also add that this girl is very much too herself and has a small friend group and has probably some of the best morals that you could ever want in a girl. That’s what I see though, so it’s obviously from my perspective. I think she’s a real catch just based on those qualities. But, even with those qualities, that doesn’t make it a match. I’m sure there’s thousands of girls out there who match the exact same qualities I just mentioned. I also know that I’m not the only one struggling with this too.. I know she is as well and also with her past relationship too, probably struggling more so with that. One of the last things she said to me was “do you think I haven’t been/am at war in my own mind with everything too?” I know she’s struggling as well trying to find herself and her path. We both are at different points in our lives where I’m looking for my forever person and she has no idea what she wants because she’s still recovering from her breakup. 
 

With saying all of that, I do think and know she’s been thinking a lot about things and I’m sure I weigh on her mind too from time to time. Probably not like she weighs on my mind, but I’m sure it’s still there. I know I need to remove her from my thoughts and move forward even though right now that’s difficult because I was so in love with the idea of what could’ve been. 

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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, thelogride said:

With saying all of that, I do think and know she’s been thinking a lot about things and I’m sure I weigh on her mind too from time to time. Probably not like she weighs on my mind, but I’m sure it’s still there. I know I need to remove her from my thoughts and move forward even though right now that’s difficult because I was so in love with the idea of what could’ve been. 

Trying not to think about something is counterproductive.  Simply live your life and the more you show with your actions and behaviors that you are actually interested in meeting someone in person to potentially date as opposed to being in love with "what could be" the thoughts of her will go to the periphery and eventually fade naturally.  

She's not a girl.  She's a woman.  Focus on meeting adult women not "girls" - the more you think of women as "girls" the less likely you are to see them as individual people who are valuable to get to know in real life.

What she has said to you may have been totally genuine at that moment.  This is a person you barely know especially because it's hard to get to know a person when your laser sharp focus is on yourself - meaning -how you feel, how much you want that person to want to date you, how to "win" the prize.  You have no idea if what she said holds true for her now or whether she is struggling now, etc. None of that matters at all. 

Right now she could be crying, lauging, eating ice cream, chatting with one of her friends or her mother, deciding to expand her friend group/be more extroverted, planning a date, over the moon about someone who doesn't want her, wants her, any of the above. You don't know.  And you shouldn't know because she is not a person in your life right now.  The more you muse over what she might be thinking, doing, etc the more you are telling yourself you're not actually interested in doing what it takes to meet people in real life.

 

Edited by Batya33
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There are young women with high morals who would want to date you. I can't understand why you're so fixated on this ONE woman who clearly said she isn't going to date you. Yes, she was nice to you and said nice things and kept you on the phone for hours. But what did all of that get you? The relationship you want? Or just a lot of ruminating and sadness and disappointment and wishing and hoping she'll someday, somehow decide to date you?

You say you want a real relationship with someone who's into you. So why on earth are you fixating on this ONE woman who isn't?

If you truly do want a real relationship with a woman who wants to be with you, your actions aren't showing that. 

Think about the suggestions you've received on how to meet new women (no, not just putting up a profile on a dating site). I mean, real, proactive ways to meet women. Promise yourself you'll do ONE of those things this week. Just one. 

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