What would you do?

[brownie28]

Hiya,

I have just found out that my partner of 7 years has been exchanging flirty texts with a woman he met online (her partner found the messages and sent to me via social media)

I feel bloody horrible and betrayed.

He is generally a good person, I think, but has made a spectacular mess of this, and I can't stand being lied to.

Untangling lives is such hard work and if I go, I almost certainly will lose contact with my step children who I adore. (I'm not from the place that we live in and will move home which is a considerable distance away)

What would you do?

[Rose Mosse]

I’d look at the relationship as a whole and whether it’s going in the direction you want. If you can’t trust him there’s no point in staying together.

Personally, there’s no coming back from something like that. I wouldn’t look at the person the same way ever again. 

[robhsdca]

15 minutes ago, brownie28 said:

Hiya,

I have just found out that my partner of 7 years has been exchanging flirty texts with a woman he met online (her partner found the messages and sent to me via social media)

I feel bloody horrible and betrayed.

He is generally a good person, I think, but has made a spectacular mess of this, and I can't stand being lied to.

Untangling lives is such hard work and if I go, I almost certainly will lose contact with my step children who I adore. (I'm not from the place that we live in and will move home which is a considerable distance away)

What would you do?

One thing I have noticed on this board while going through some questionable times and tough decisions of my own is that there is a lot of advice that is quick to recommend ending a relationship. Mine is not even close to as long as yours, but I have had longer than 7 year relationships and I totally understand not only the difficulty in thinking about leaving, but also the extenuating circumstances that can be involved - in your case the kids and the move, probably at the very least.

I won't pretend to know the right thing to tell you right now.  But I can tell you what I have felt for myself, and feel right now actually. I have felt that if things were recently strong enough for me to have been in love, I am not a moron and those feelings did not just develop out of thin air. So there must be something worth taking the time to really explore and see if there is a path forward.  I liken it to marriage vows, whether married or not, if in love with someone can we get through this for better or worse.  In a situation that's great, it's easy. When times get tough it may be an easy thing to think about walking away or choosing a different path, but if the love is still there, I have always felt a good couple owes it to themselves to put in real work to see if there is a path to fix things, not just run away.

[Rose Mosse]

People generally have strong dealbreakers and it seems lying is one of them aside from his flirtatious texts with someone else. 

Don’t be so open minded with everything that you lose sight of what matters to you in a relationship. You have no shared children and this isn’t a marriage.

[Batya33]

I don't see anyone ever suggesting to pull the trigger quickly on a relationship for anything but very serious reasons.

OP - are you sure the person who sent these to you didn't change them or not give you the whole picture?  I can't see if you asked your partner and also want to know if there are other instances of sort of playing with fire or worse.  He met her online -meaning a dating site or some other way (I have online chat buddies - I believe all are female - but I am also linkedin with men I've met over the years -meaning the professional site - and possibly on Facebook too - no messages I'd be at all concerned about but obviously messages can be altered, etc.

[brownie28]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't see anyone ever suggesting to pull the trigger quickly on a relationship for anything but very serious reasons.

OP - are you sure the person who sent these to you didn't change them or not give you the whole picture?  I can't see if you asked your partner and also want to know if there are other instances of sort of playing with fire or worse.  He met her online -meaning a dating site or some other way (I have online chat buddies - I believe all are female - but I am also linkedin with men I've met over the years -meaning the professional site - and possibly on Facebook too - no messages I'd be at all concerned about but obviously messages can be altered, etc.

They haven't been changed and he has admitted the contact and content.

They met via Twitter she followed him and the y struck up a conversation about music.

[brownie28]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

People generally have strong dealbreakers and it seems lying is one of them aside from his flirtatious texts with someone else. 

Don’t be so open minded with everything that you lose sight of what matters to you in a relationship. You have no shared children and this isn’t a marriage.

I'm not sure what difference it makes that we are not married and don't share any children?

[Rose Mosse]

Just now, brownie28 said:

I'm not sure what difference it makes that we are not married and don't share any children?

There is no legal contract to end nor custody to work out. You move back to your country with no legal issues. Don’t mix this up with emotional ties and it’s no slight that you have ties to these children but they are also not your children. 

Do you feel like you’re staying for them? 

[brownie28]

Just now, Rose Mosse said:

There is no legal contract to end nor custody to work out. You move back to your country with no legal issues. Don’t mix this up with emotional ties and it’s no slight that you have ties to these children but they are also not your children. 

Do you feel like you’re staying for them? 

No - I would be staying because we have had a wonderful relationship up to this point.

 

But I don't know if I would be able to put this to one side.

[Rose Mosse]

4 minutes ago, brownie28 said:

No - I would be staying because we have had a wonderful relationship up to this point.

 

But I don't know if I would be able to put this to one side.

Think about it some more then and see what your options are. It’s never easy ending anything that was once good or has brought you joy. However people change. And we adapt for better or for worse.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, brownie28 said:

Untangling lives is such hard work and if I go, I'm not from the place that we live in and will move home which is a considerable distance away.

When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you'll be ready to go.

When you're tired of wondering and looking over your shoulder, you'll move back home and find new work.

When you are exhausted from questioning what is real and what's a lie, you'll value your own life and future enough to decide.

[Tinydance]

So when you found out about it, what did your partner say? How did he explain this? Was he sorry he did it? 

I know someone mentioned that people are too quick to suggest ending a relationship. I think if you weren't going to end it then you would need to figure out why this happened and whether you can trust your partner after this. You've been together for seven years so obviously it's a serious relationship and it's meant to be monogamous. 

Usually when people cheat or try to chest, I think it's either because they're starting to check out of the relationship, or they actually are a cheater. So basically they do it just because they can. I think in both cases this isn't really a good situation for you.

[brownie28]

13 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So when you found out about it, what did your partner say? How did he explain this? Was he sorry he did it? 

I know someone mentioned that people are too quick to suggest ending a relationship. I think if you weren't going to end it then you would need to figure out why this happened and whether you can trust your partner after this. You've been together for seven years so obviously it's a serious relationship and it's meant to be monogamous. 

Usually when people cheat or try to chest, I think it's either because they're starting to check out of the relationship, or they actually are a cheater. So basically they do it just because they can. I think in both cases this isn't really a good situation for you.

He was very contrite and didn't deny or minimise the situation. He apologised and said that he was flattered by her.

[Rose Mosse]

Are you sharing a leased apartment or home? It’s easy to be contrite when he has help with the bills. In the meantime you live in doubt. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, brownie28 said:

He was very contrite and didn't deny or minimise the situation. He apologised and said that he was flattered by her.

What is he willing to do to save the relationship? Has he offered to cut all ties with this woman? Has he offered to inactivate his Twitter and other social media accounts? Has he offered you full access to his electronic devices? Has he suggested counseling for himself and as a couple?

And why did he feel the need to be "flattered"? Does he feel like he's missing out somehow?

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, brownie28 said:

I would be staying because we have had a wonderful relationship up to this point.

And something went seriously sideways along the way. 

I would have a very honest discussion with him about what is happening here. There is a chasm between you two and he was willing to risk everything for some flattery. That does not bode well  and it tells you where his priorities are. 

Someone who is truly invested in the relationship doesn't behave this way. The flirty texts are a symptom of a much bigger problem, one which won't be resolved just because the texting has stopped. 

[smackie9]

Sounds like there is absolutely no remorse....so it's time to move on. Don't worry the kids will keep in contact with you. 

[EternalOptimis]

I am sorry that this has happened to you.

It may appear that people on this forum are too quick to advise ending the relationship, but the truth is all too often the OP is too heart-broken / shell-shocked to see beyond trying to resuscitate the relationship.

With infidelity, the odds are against you. And forgiving a cheater too often emboldens them (conciously or subconciously) to cheat again.

HE now needs to put in the work to prove to you that he won't cheat again.

[Lambert]

On 4/14/2022 at 7:04 AM, brownie28 said:

Hiya,

I have just found out that my partner of 7 years has been exchanging flirty texts with a woman he met online (her partner found the messages and sent to me via social media)

I feel bloody horrible and betrayed.

He is generally a good person, I think, but has made a spectacular mess of this, and I can't stand being lied to.

Untangling lives is such hard work and if I go, I almost certainly will lose contact with my step children who I adore. (I'm not from the place that we live in and will move home which is a considerable distance away)

What would you do?

I would not allow difficulty to leave to be my excuse to stay.

Every break up is hard and there is always some reason it would be more comfortable to stay. 

However, for me, if I can't trust the person, there is no respect.  I simply cannot allow a relationship without mutual trust & respect to continue.

It really is that simple for me.  Is it sad? yes. do I wish it wouldn't have happened? yes. but you're not in this alone.  they did this. it was their choice. For them to expect any reaction from you, other than leaving, only highlights the dysfunctional nature of the relationship. 

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Choose wisely your future relationships with YOURSELF depends on it. Be strong. You can get through this and be happier on the other end.