Ex who was rekindling with slept with someone else

[Izac1789]

I’ve posted on here previously about an ex that I broke up with 8 months ago, but was on and off with over a period of time. I broke it off initially and then we were on/off for a while but I couldn’t commit to her, as I kept having a bad gut feeling. 
 

We decided to cut contact 3 months ago, however we both felt the time apart made us realise we both still wanted it and ended up in contact again for the last two weeks or so. We met up on Sunday and discussed a lot of things and it was really nice, we didn’t say that we were back together at that point but it was left that we would hopefully meet up again soon and work forwards together. 
 

She went on a skiing holiday on Monday and on Monday morning text me saying she loved me and that it was great to see me again and hopefully we can do something when she is back. We spoke briefly Monday when she was there and then Tuesday she sent me a couple of pictures, this morning woke up and she was being really off / ignoring me. I asked her was she ok and she said she ended up sleeping with another guy last night when she was drunk. 
 

I completely get that she was single in her mind and I’m not saying she is in the wrong, but I just feel physically sick after discussing everything on Sunday and then for this to happen. It was my fault that we have been on/off as I couldn’t commit but felt I was at the point where I’d be able to and be ready for a relationship together. We even discussed travelling together & our life goals , family etc. 
 

where do I go from here? I’ve responded to her very upset and saying I can’t believe she would do it, and she is away for another week

 

[Batya33]

It's ok not to want to be with her -for whatever reason -even though she didn't cheat.  What was her purpose in telling you and what's this nonsense about blaming alcohol -she chose to get drunk, she chose the consequences.  

Timing is everything sometimes.  You two weren't ready at the same time.  Same thing happened to me in my early 30s.  I wasn't ready.  Luckily the stars aligned and we were both ready - almost 8 years later.  

You've both behaved inconsistently with wanting a commitment -you by being so on and off with her and her by choosing to have sex with someone else while telling you she could be open to getting back together -what she did was perfectly fine but also not the actions of a person who is serious about getting back together with a boyfriend.  

Also she texted you sweet words and was "hopeful" about getting together -that's not a message from a person who wants to make sure you two will do everything it takes to get back together. It's noncommital just as you were noncommital with her.  I'm sorry and maybe in the (distant) future you two will reconnect but I'd stay out of contact. 

I do know for me if my husband had told me he slept with someone else while we were on a break/discussing potentially getting back together I'd accept it wasn't cheating and I don't know if I'd be able to manage that as neither of us believed in or engaged in casual sex so it would blindside me had that-hoyothetically! - happened.  

[DancingFool]

I think you are being a bit dishonest with yourself and with her at the moment.

You dumped her because you weren't feeling it. Should have left it at that. On/off is basically telling you that you are not compatible or good for each other in the long run but keep trying to pound that square peg into ye olde round hole. On/off also erodes trust and respect for each other.

So even now when you had that meeting, sure you might have had a nice conversation, but you both parted ways non-committal with each other. Maybe it might be nice to possibly get back together for round #LostCount, and maybe we'll see about it at some later point....maybe.

It's only now that she might actually be moving on from you for real that you are suddenly feeling upset and jumping into the whole "oh yeah, I was just about ready to commit.....maybe this time...because you know....talked about fun vacation together." Sorry, OP, but that's not commitment or love or caring. Just some selfishness and fear that you might actually need to find someone else to date and do that work.

Let her go and let yourself go as well. Long past due for the both of you to part ways, leave it all on off permanently, and find better, more compatible matches. You know, the kind where your gut feeling tells you that you are  in 100% without doubts.

[Lambert]

I think you two only continued to be on and off because you hadn't met anyone else. 

I would probably gracefully bow out of this.  She really didn't do anything wrong but she also didn't do what is best for your relationship.

The lesson here is, this is the pain that comes from indecision. 

Once a couple breaks up, the trust is seriously damaged. You're better off staying broken up, even if it means you are single for awhile. The old poop or get off the pot saying applies. 

Use this time to focus on you. I'm sorry.  I'm sure it's hard to cope with today and for awhile.  But you're responsible for you. take time to get your head on straight and be kind to you. 

Definitely do not keep responding to her.  let it be.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

I asked her was she ok and she said she ended up sleeping with another guy last night when she was drunk. 

Unfortunately, this is not rekindling anything. Just more on/off drama because of chronically unresolved issues and lack of honesty, respect or commitment to each other.

[smackie9]

Call it a day and move on. You can do better than her.

[Izac1789]

We spoke in depth about all of the issues we had and one of which was my future travel plans and we spoke about how we could do those things together and it could work that way. I was always thinking of my future plans abroad as as I had always done them alone was struggling to bring someone else in on those plans. Time apart helped me see that and that’s what we talked about on Sunday. I admit we did not make a commitment to one another there and then, but over text the next day I apologised for the way i had been on/off in the past but was ready to give a proper go of things. 
 

She really hasn’t done anything wrong as she’s single but just did not expect her to do this after the promising chat we had only on Sunday and moving forward. 

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, this is not rekindling anything. Just more on/off drama because of chronically unresolved issues and lack of honesty, respect or commitment to each other.

 

[smackie9]

Sounds like you are getting over it. Just keep reaching for that rainbow. 

[MissCanuck]

I think it's time to concede that you two have run your course together. 

 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

an ex that I broke up with 8 months ago, but was on and off with over a period of time. I broke it off initially and then we were on/off for a while but I couldn’t commit to her, as I kept having a bad gut feeling. 
 

We decided to cut contact 3 months ago, however we both felt the time apart made us realise we both still wanted it and ended up in contact again for the last two weeks or so.

Okay, so think on all of this....

You two broke up 8 mos ago... then you were on/off for a while. Cut total contact only 3 mos ago then in contact again over the last 2 weeks.

I feel neither one of you began to work on the grieving process.. as you two haven't managed yet, to fully let go. You made it to denial & reached out again.  

Of course you'll 'miss' each other, That's normal.  But it's stages and it takes time.  Time to work through the memories and emotions and to accept.

BUT, you said so yourself, that you felt you couldn't commit to her. ( Your gut feeling?).  Then, what's that all about?

You two have been flipping for 8 months now.  And had only been no contact a short 3 months.

I doubt any of this is doing either of you any good 😕 .

What is it either of you have done in the past 8 mos that has changed to make it work this time around?  If nothing, than nothing will change.

And as mentioned, to break it off, does cause a rift between you now - her trust.

So, think on all of this.  Think on the dynamics of your situation...

As for 'your hopes' of the future..travel etc.  No, I can't see bringing her into all of that with things being so unsettled between you two is any place to go atm.

Maybe it's just time to back off.  And focus on yourself and respectfully leave her be. Because, IF you were totally into her that much, you probably would not be in this position now... right?

Things came to an end for reason's.. Is time for YOU to start looking at that fact. And not reach out because you miss her or are lonely right now.  Reach out to friends/family and respectfully leave her be.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Izac1789 said:

We spoke in depth about all of the issues we had and one of which was my future travel plans and we spoke about how we could do those things together and it could work that way. I was always thinking of my future plans abroad as as I had always done them alone was struggling to bring someone else in on those plans.

I don't think travel was the issue.  It was a symptom of incompatibility.  People who want to be together are together.  When one person knows he wants to travel in the future and wants to travel alone he ends a relationship or doesn't begin one where being apart for a long time would not be feasible. It was only a "struggle" because you weren't that into her.  

[Izac1789]

Thanks for all of the responses. It’s just when we were talking again and on Sunday, it felt like when we had first met and we both talked about making that commitment and giving it a proper go and not be on/off or seeing each other. 
 

I guess everyone is right, that the relationship has run it’s course and it’s time to give it up. I just feel completely deflated as 8mos of back and forth I felt in a position where I was ready to make that commitment

[Rose Mosse]

What exactly were your hesitations about in particular about travel and a partner? I ask as you may be subconsciously jumping way too far ahead and making decisions unilaterally in your mind or not considering what the person you’re seeing thinks.

It’s a very common mistake to make decisions for someone else in a build up of anxiety over an issue. In your case, it’s travel. In future be open and discuss any reservations or topics that need clarification. Include your partner in your plans or be willing to discuss further. 

If after being open and honest you both find you cannot agree then separate or break up. On/off is usually based on a lot of false assumptions and misunderstandings. 

 

[Izac1789]

44 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What exactly were your hesitations about in particular about travel and a partner? I ask as you may be subconsciously jumping way too far ahead and making decisions unilaterally in your mind or not considering what the person you’re seeing thinks.

It’s a very common mistake to make decisions for someone else in a build up of anxiety over an issue. In your case, it’s travel. In future be open and discuss any reservations or topics that need clarification. Include your partner in your plans or be willing to discuss further. 

If after being open and honest you both find you cannot agree then separate or break up. On/off is usually based on a lot of false assumptions and misunderstandings. 

 

The person I was seeing wanted to travel with me, but when we were together I felt a bad gut feeling around it all, I got to the point where I was avoiding planning anything in the future together. I’ve had relationships in the past but now we have broken up it made me realise it wasn’t the standard loss of interest / fizzling out and in fact there was a deeper love. I’m struggling to distinguish between having made a mistake and wanting to reconcile or if it’s a usual process of a significant break up. I find myself avoiding planning trips myself now as I think i would want to do those things with her.. 

 

I stopped making an effort near the end due to the bad gut feeling around it all and sometimes wonder if I had given it more of my all it may have been better back. 
 

After thinking all this and then meeting Sunday it was pretty clear we would try to move forward together when she got home from her skiing holiday and we mentioned how to work together I.e spend more quality time together, and make more of a commitment to plan future things. However, after she slept with someone else I just feel completely taken back by it and sick at the thought.

 

I will say that this whole time she has been clear she wants to try again and has been whole heartedly open about how much she loves me & says she can imagine a life with me.  I understand she is single and that’s my fault, but just feel hurt that it felt we were on the same page to work at things and then she can risk that for a drunk one night stand. We discussed on Sunday that we should be exclusive to one another if we want to make a proper go of it and if it happened we wouldn’t be able to try again. She seems very apologetic 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

After thinking all this and then meeting Sunday it was pretty clear we would try to move forward together when she got home from her skiing holiday and we mentioned how to work together I.e spend more quality time together, and make more of a commitment to plan future things. However, after she slept with someone else I just feel completely taken back by it and sick at the thought.

Here's the thing.  You were still holding back.  If you weren't you would have not "tried" you would have closed the deal.  Huge difference.  When my husband and I reconnected and got back together -the conversation wasn't about trying.  It was a three minute conversation because when you're on the same page and want your future with this person you want it to start right then with no hesitations or "trying". 

Not "when you get back from your holiday" -I was long distance with my future husband when we first got back together and we solidified our commitment and made the plan as to when we'd see each other. 

You two were still tentative and that's because part of you was still tentative.  You weren't all in.  -Twisting yourself in a pretzel about how deeper this love was etc is irrelevant - you wouldn't have had to go through all of that if you were ready. Which is why you left it as "try when you get back".  As did she.

I personally couldn't move past what your situation is and be exclusive -not because she cheated-she didn't -but because it would underscore for me that this relationship has run its course - you wouldn't close the deal (neither would she) and she kept her options open and chose to get drunk and chose the consequences - so I'm not saying she wouldn't be disloyal but I think it's a nonstarter between your "trying" and her with one foot out the door - it shows both of you your hearts and heads -both -are not all in.

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

The person I was seeing wanted to travel with me, but when we were together I felt a bad gut feeling around it all, I got to the point where I was avoiding planning anything in the future together.

Yes, where is this coming from? What assumptions were made about her or thoughts did you have about her to come to that “bad gut feeling”? 

Sometimes we can’t always pinpoint why a person is shifty or untrustworthy but there are usually a series of events that lead up to that point. They’re either accurate or false. What led you to the initial assumptions about her and this bad feeling? You can correct your thinking or the way you process emotions and thoughts in future by having open/honest discussion. 

Don’t try forcing a square peg in a round hole either. She did sleep with someone else a few days after your heart to heart. 

My thoughts are she still has some feelings for you but the damage is done. There’s too much back and forth and you’re both not on the same page. 

[adviceplease2]

There's nothing left for you there.  Move on, its over.  

[Andrina]

The only thing now to do is learn that you can't treat a person like a yo-yo. Letting go, drawing back in, over and over. A person is not a toy. It's possible she told you about the drunk one-night stand to punish you, since ethically, she didn't have to breathe a word about it. 

Go no contact so you can begin to move on.

[Izac1789]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yes, where is this coming from? What assumptions were made about her or thoughts did you have about her to come to that “bad gut feeling”? 

Sometimes we can’t always pinpoint why a person is shifty or untrustworthy but there are usually a series of events that lead up to that point. They’re either accurate or false. What led you to the initial assumptions about her and this bad feeling? You can correct your thinking or the way you process emotions and thoughts in future by having open/honest discussion. 

Don’t try forcing a square peg in a round hole either. She did sleep with someone else a few days after your heart to heart. 

My thoughts are she still has some feelings for you but the damage is done. There’s too much back and forth and you’re both not on the same page. 

It’s hard to pinpoint, but we first met 3 years ago and a lot has happened in between. Im not sure if it’s a build up of everything, but at the year mark of the relationship I just lost the want to do anything together and plan things, kind of like ‘the ick’. I still found her super attractive though and still see her in a romantic way. 

I hate that I’ve been on/off and it wasn’t done on purpose, I was just trying my hardest to make it work again. 
 

I too feel the damage is done now, largely down to me being in and out and putting myself and her in this position, and also her doing this just days after discussing our future going forward even if it was not set in stone. It’s just sad and upsetting seeing the possible potential. We even discussed life goals, plans etc and ensured they aligned 

 

[Izac1789]

We first met 3 years ago, where she then left to travel the world with a friend for 6 months where we cut contact end went our separate ways, and when she got back that time, we reconnected briefly but I already had a trip booked weeks later too so again went our separate ways. We only really got together in a relationship in April 2020 and broke up April 2021 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Izac1789 said:

I still found her super attractive though and still see her in a romantic way. 

This is only part of what makes a relationship work.  And is irrelevant without a strong core, a strong foundation which is the glue that holds you together even when you feel off, or she does, or the world is "off".  Sounds like you two had far more reasons as to why to go your separate ways than why to be together.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Izac1789 said:

It’s hard to pinpoint, but we first met 3 years ago and a lot has happened in between. Im not sure if it’s a build up of everything, but at the year mark of the relationship I just lost the want to do anything together and plan things, kind of like ‘the ick’. I still found her super attractive though and still see her in a romantic way. 

I hate that I’ve been on/off and it wasn’t done on purpose, I was just trying my hardest to make it work again. 
 

I too feel the damage is done now, largely down to me being in and out and putting myself and her in this position, and also her doing this just days after discussing our future going forward even if it was not set in stone. It’s just sad and upsetting seeing the possible potential. We even discussed life goals, plans etc and ensured they aligned 

 

It's a case of too little too late. You both seemed to have a very dysfunctional relationship and even the break up and attempt to reconcile is dysfunctional. This isn't the woman for you. Travel, pursue your dreams, stay single and have the time of your life. When you're in better mind frame date again.

[Izac1789]

13 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's a case of too little too late. You both seemed to have a very dysfunctional relationship and even the break up and attempt to reconcile is dysfunctional. This isn't the woman for you. Travel, pursue your dreams, stay single and have the time of your life. When you're in better mind frame date again.

Thank you, I just want to be happy in myself once again and not have it drag me down. Can you suggest ways to help move on? We don’t follow each other but am thinking I should just block on social media & messenger to make it easier 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Izac1789 said:

We don’t follow each other but am thinking I should just block on social media & messenger to make it easier 

This is probably best. 

It's not a punitive move, but rather a way to make a clean break from something that isn't working and is holding you both back. 

[WildPump]

Well with on/off relationship this is a comon outcome. Now after she mentioned it to you about sleeping with some other guy is a clear indication that you need to make a decision now. Otherwise you both keep hurting each other which is not good for your (both) future if there would be any. Now you feel disgusted by what she did. There is a posibility that she is not interested, I mean she could have kept it a secret. In my opinion this relationship has become dysfunctional and no trust is left. It is better to end it now.