Ex who was rekindling with slept with someone else

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

Thank you, I just want to be happy in myself once again and not have it drag me down. Can you suggest ways to help move on? We don’t follow each other but am thinking I should just block on social media & messenger to make it easier 

Yes- and tell her in advance so it doesn't appear punitive.  

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

Thank you, I just want to be happy in myself once again and not have it drag me down. Can you suggest ways to help move on? We don’t follow each other but am thinking I should just block on social media & messenger to make it easier 

Be clear and concise. Try: “Thank you for the time together but I’d like to move on. Please do not contact me again and all the best.” You do not need to review the entire relationship or debate your points. Be clear, firm and then block her so you can move on. 

People often perceive themselves as being weak for doing so which is inaccurate. It takes a bigger person to sever unhealthy communication and ties so that it frees the both of you to live your lives more fully.

Don’t rush or force moving on. We read so many threads of people building up high expectations that are so unrealistic they fall into depression or are angry with themselves because they haven’t moved on or aren’t at a place they think they should be at. Focus on accepting that it’s OVER first and foremost. And then stay busy and productive with yourself and be with your loved ones. Take the time out to heal and then date again when you feel ready. 

[Izac1789]

39 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Be clear and concise. Try: “Thank you for the time together but I’d like to move on. Please do not contact me again and all the best.” You do not need to review the entire relationship or debate your points. Be clear, firm and then block her so you can move on. 

People often perceive themselves as being weak for doing so which is inaccurate. It takes a bigger person to sever unhealthy communication and ties so that it frees the both of you to live your lives more fully.

Don’t rush or force moving on. We read so many threads of people building up high expectations that are so unrealistic they fall into depression or are angry with themselves because they haven’t moved on or aren’t at a place they think they should be at. Focus on accepting that it’s OVER first and foremost. And then stay busy and productive with yourself and be with your loved ones. Take the time out to heal and then date again when you feel ready. 

Thank you so so much for the advice. I will message her something along those lines and then cut contact and move on with my life. I’ve been hung up on this for too long now. 
 

Thanks again 🙏

[SherrySher]

On 2/9/2022 at 5:47 AM, Izac1789 said:

I’ve posted on here previously about an ex that I broke up with 8 months ago, but was on and off with over a period of time. I broke it off initially and then we were on/off for a while but I couldn’t commit to her, as I kept having a bad gut feeling. 
 

We decided to cut contact 3 months ago, however we both felt the time apart made us realise we both still wanted it and ended up in contact again for the last two weeks or so. We met up on Sunday and discussed a lot of things and it was really nice, we didn’t say that we were back together at that point but it was left that we would hopefully meet up again soon and work forwards together. 
 

She went on a skiing holiday on Monday and on Monday morning text me saying she loved me and that it was great to see me again and hopefully we can do something when she is back. We spoke briefly Monday when she was there and then Tuesday she sent me a couple of pictures, this morning woke up and she was being really off / ignoring me. I asked her was she ok and she said she ended up sleeping with another guy last night when she was drunk. 
 

I completely get that she was single in her mind and I’m not saying she is in the wrong, but I just feel physically sick after discussing everything on Sunday and then for this to happen. It was my fault that we have been on/off as I couldn’t commit but felt I was at the point where I’d be able to and be ready for a relationship together. We even discussed travelling together & our life goals , family etc. 
 

where do I go from here? I’ve responded to her very upset and saying I can’t believe she would do it, and she is away for another week

 

Both of you are not ready for a serious relationship with one another.

You not being able/ready to commit was a sign that it wasn't right for you.

You're ignoring/denying that but it's important.

You may have wanted to be serious or thought she would have been a good option to be in a serious relationship with, but your gut was telling you otherwise.

Don't ignore that.

She on the other hand, had a bit of a personal test to see where abouts she is with her feelings and her commitment to you.

She's not ready for anything serous with you.

Whether it was due to the on/off relationship, or due to her not being sure about her feelings either, she was capable of not just flirting with another man, quite quickly, but being completely exposed to him in the most intimate way, days of supposedly working things out with you.

That is more than a huge red flag that her heart is no longer with you.

Both of you need to come to terms with the fact that it's over.

It's disappointing, sad, maybe even heartbreaking for you both.

But it's not the right fit for either one of you, and it's time now to let go.

[Izac1789]

1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

Both of you are not ready for a serious relationship with one another.

You not being able/ready to commit was a sign that it wasn't right for you.

You're ignoring/denying that but it's important.

You may have wanted to be serious or thought she would have been a good option to be in a serious relationship with, but your gut was telling you otherwise.

Don't ignore that.

She on the other hand, had a bit of a personal test to see where abouts she is with her feelings and her commitment to you.

She's not ready for anything serous with you.

Whether it was due to the on/off relationship, or due to her not being sure about her feelings either, she was capable of not just flirting with another man, quite quickly, but being completely exposed to him in the most intimate way, days of supposedly working things out with you.

That is more than a huge red flag that her heart is no longer with you.

Both of you need to come to terms with the fact that it's over.

It's disappointing, sad, maybe even heartbreaking for you both.

But it's not the right fit for either one of you, and it's time now to let go.

Thank you for the input, it’s very sad as I keep thinking of the potential we could have had as everything ‘should’ have worked on paper, but it hasn’t worked out that way - that’s why we have kept trying back and forth, but until now none of us had slept with or made serious steps with anyone new. It’s definitely created a point where it now must end - perhaps it will help me to accept it. 
 

time to let go - I agree. Thank you 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

Thank you for the input, it’s very sad as I keep thinking of the potential we could have had as everything ‘should’ have worked on paper, but it hasn’t worked out that way - that’s why we have kept trying back and forth, but until now none of us had slept with or made serious steps with anyone new. It’s definitely created a point where it now must end - perhaps it will help me to accept it. 
 

time to let go - I agree. Thank you 

I think your perspective is a bit off.  It's not about whether on paper it should work - and you don't stay because it "should" work.  The standard isn't -let's stay together as long as no one is running off and having sex with someone else during a break.  Or "we must be into each other because neither of us has pursued anyone else too heavily"- that's a settling type perspective.  

[Izac1789]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think your perspective is a bit off.  It's not about whether on paper it should work - and you don't stay because it "should" work.  The standard isn't -let's stay together as long as no one is running off and having sex with someone else during a break.  Or "we must be into each other because neither of us has pursued anyone else too heavily"- that's a settling type perspective.  

You’re right. There is a reason I had a bad gut feeling around everything & a reason why i felt I wasn’t happy and ended the relationship. I need to just remember this 

I want to be in a healthy relationship where there is no doubts / bad gut feeling, and I feel the events of this week her sleeping with someone else will just add more doubts & troubles. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/9/2022 at 6:47 AM, Izac1789 said:

. I broke it off initially and then we were on/off for a while but I couldn’t commit to her, 

Until you understand this negative behavior in yourself, you're going to have difficulties dating and forming happy relationships.

[Izac1789]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Until you understand this negative behavior in yourself, you're going to have difficulties dating and forming happy relationships.

The not committing or the on/off after we broke up? 
 

I was in the happy committed relationship for a year. Perhaps I have commitment issues. I’m finding the whole thing difficult to distinguish between it not being right or whether it’s just me and my commitment issues 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

You’re right. There is a reason I had a bad gut feeling around everything & a reason why i felt I wasn’t happy and ended the relationship. I need to just remember this 

I want to be in a healthy relationship where there is no doubts / bad gut feeling, and I feel the events of this week her sleeping with someone else will just add more doubts & troubles. 
 

 

If you want to "be" in that sort of relationship your part is to become the right person to find the right person.  I don't think you have commitment issues generally -I think you had issues because you were trying to convince yourself to commit to her because of your notion of "we should be good together".  Some doubts are normal - resolvable ones, fleeting ones - not those gut wrenching ones where you keep being tempted to break up.  

I don't think her having sex with someone else adds doubts it simply confirms you two are not a good match.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

The not committing or the on/off after we broke up? 

Both. Treat people with respect. Don't string anyone along or do on/off or otherwise throw people away like trash then go back expecting anything.

If you "can't" commit that's fine. Sort yourself out. 

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

The not committing or the on/off after we broke up? 
 

I was in the happy committed relationship for a year. Perhaps I have commitment issues. I’m finding the whole thing difficult to distinguish between it not being right or whether it’s just me and my commitment issues 

Maybe you do. You seem to be building up this travel topic quite a lot in your mind and perhaps for good reason. Why would you want to be in a relationship while roving around? If you are going to travel the world with a partner it’s all the more important that you feel complementary to one another. Your interests, skills, talents are all acutely tuned to one another and having each others’ back while maintaining your own personal goals. 

This woman just isn’t the person for that and you didn’t think so at the start. Stick to your initial gut feeling and let the emotions and hurt of this falling apart pass. 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

You’re right. There is a reason I had a bad gut feeling around everything & a reason why i felt I wasn’t happy and ended the relationship. I need to just remember this 

I want to be in a healthy relationship where there is no doubts / bad gut feeling, and I feel the events of this week her sleeping with someone else will just add more doubts & troubles. 

Sure, this is stuff to keep in mind to avoid baiting yourself back into the dance with her.

But here's another thing: even if you could forgive that she got drunk and turned resentful toward you for the on-offing, so she slept with some guy--you didn't find this out by circumstance.

She TOLD YOU she did that. 

So this isn't some case of accidental rage. She made sure to inform you of it, and that shows you exactly where she really stands with you.

I'm sorry that this hurts you, and I don't raise this to rub it in. But maybe it's not necessary right now to split hairs over whether this outcome is based on larger commitment issues or a specific gut discomfort with her. 

Grieve, heal when you are ready, and make it your private goal to surprise yourself with your resilience.

From there, you can either learn whether picking this apart might hold some benefit, or whether the RIGHT person for you might remove all doubt.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Izac1789]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Sure, this is stuff to keep in mind to avoid baiting yourself back into the dance with her.

But here's another thing: even if you could forgive that she got drunk and turned resentful toward you for the on-offing, so she slept with some guy--you didn't find this out by circumstance.

She TOLD YOU she did that. 

So this isn't some case of accidental rage. She made sure to inform you of it, and that shows you exactly where she really stands with you.

I'm sorry that this hurts you, and I don't raise this to rub it in. But maybe it's not necessary right now to split hairs over whether this outcome is based on larger commitment issues or a specific gut discomfort with her. 

Grieve, heal when you are ready, and make it your private goal to surprise yourself with your resilience.

From there, you can either learn whether picking this apart might hold some benefit, or whether the RIGHT person for you might remove all doubt.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

She was being really off with me so I just asked her if she was ok, and it was like 5:30am (I get up at this time for work), and she replied so was checking she was alright as it was early.. I had such a bad feeling it was going to happen even before she went on the trip. She was being really short with me and that’s why I asked her had she been with someone else and she replied ‘ye, at the end of the day you made me single’. Once I was upset back at her she then was saying sorry more. I even am thinking in my mind that it’s possible she could have done it again by the end of the week as she’s home tomorrow 

The last thing that was said was on Wednesday after she had told me and she said to me ‘sorry 😔 would you not even want to see me again? If I came to see you at yours when I am back?’ And I replied ‘tbh I don’t even know right now’. And she said ‘okay, sorry I’ll leave you be x’ 

I haven’t spoke to her since, as she’s away until tomorrow and I don’t want to message her to say this is it for good whilst she is away as i don’t want to ruin her trip in any way 

 

[Batya33]

She seems interested in seeing you as an option -she'd like to keep dating you and she is not committed to you.  That means you two want different things.  She told you because she wanted to.  She wanted you to ask and she chose to be short with you and trigger that sort of conversation.  

[Izac1789]

Update: 

I messaged her on Sunday morning asking when she was home. She replied ‘not sure’ and that she’s not sure she wanted to see me. She was really sorry on Wednesday but on Sunday so short. She said she felt ill and not up to it. I stupidly asked her if she had been with anyone else in the remainder of the week? I was overthinking it all week and wanted to know as I was getting my head around it whether it was a mistake on her part initially as she said. 
 

she responded saying ‘No, I can’t talk to you right now youre giving me anxiety and feel like you’re trying to control me etc’ 

I understand I shouldn’t have asked her this question but just been a difficult week and didn’t expect this after Sunday. We never had trust issues really before this 

I responded saying ‘sorry you feel that way, I just didn’t expect this week to pan out the way it did after Sunday. It’s your life and your choices’ and then that was it. 
 

[Izac1789]

I feel like I’m in the wrong now for being upset by what’s happened over the last week. I’m just upset the fact we had such promise after last Sunday, her to say she loved me on Monday then do that. I understand she is feeling anxious but I can’t help being upset 

 

what is everyone’s thoughts please? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

Update: 

I messaged her on Sunday morning asking when she was home. She replied ‘not sure’ and that she’s not sure she wanted to see me. She was really sorry on Wednesday but on Sunday so short. She said she felt ill and not up to it. I stupidly asked her if she had been with anyone else in the remainder of the week? I was overthinking it all week and wanted to know as I was getting my head around it whether it was a mistake on her part initially as she said. 
 

she responded saying ‘No, I can’t talk to you right now youre giving me anxiety and feel like you’re trying to control me etc’ 

I understand I shouldn’t have asked her this question but just been a difficult week and didn’t expect this after Sunday. We never had trust issues really before this 

I responded saying ‘sorry you feel that way, I just didn’t expect this week to pan out the way it did after Sunday. It’s your life and your choices’ and then that was it. 
 

Let the dust settle. Leave her alone for now. Don't ask invasive questions or interrogate.

Deal with your anxiety on your own. You tossed her like trash because you "didn't want to commit". But now that she rightfully moved on, your ego is bruised and you're getting possessive.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Izac1789 said:

I feel like I’m in the wrong now for being upset by what’s happened over the last week. I’m just upset the fact we had such promise after last Sunday, her to say she loved me on Monday then do that. I understand she is feeling anxious but I can’t help being upset 

 

what is everyone’s thoughts please? 

I think it was inappropriate for you to ask about her sex life especially then.  What trust issues - you went back and forth with her so she couldn't trust you to be stable (I was you, once and now realize how unfair I was with my back and forth) - she didn't promise not to date or pursue anyone else -she expressed hopes for the future.  She expressed her feelings at that point in time -but didn't commit (just like you felt things and didn't commit in the past)

The only issue is you two are not a good match.  You might be years from now. Who knows.  But not now. Now she is not sure she wants to see you or be with you and you don't get to subject her to your overthinking by asking her about her sex life over the phone.  Consider that it's been all about you for too long -your doubts, ruminations, back and forth -she went on vacation, felt like she could breathe and felt the possibilities despite also still having feelings of love for you.  Both could be 100% true.

[Izac1789]

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it was inappropriate for you to ask about her sex life especially then.  What trust issues - you went back and forth with her so she couldn't trust you to be stable (I was you, once and now realize how unfair I was with my back and forth) - she didn't promise not to date or pursue anyone else -she expressed hopes for the future.  She expressed her feelings at that point in time -but didn't commit (just like you felt things and didn't commit in the past)

The only issue is you two are not a good match.  You might be years from now. Who knows.  But not now. Now she is not sure she wants to see you or be with you and you don't get to subject her to your overthinking by asking her about her sex life over the phone.  Consider that it's been all about you for too long -your doubts, ruminations, back and forth -she went on vacation, felt like she could breathe and felt the possibilities despite also still having feelings of love for you.  Both could be 100% true.

I agree it was inappropriate, I really should not have asked her that question. You’re right, she has not technically done much wrong and it’s completely her right to do as she has done. But it just wasn’t a good thing for our possible relationship or rekindling. I Just wish we never met up again on the Sunday before she went, or wish we didn’t message when she was away etc, and I’d have never even known about it all. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Izac1789 said:

I agree it was inappropriate, I really should not have asked her that question. You’re right, she has not technically done much wrong and it’s completely her right to do as she has done. But it just wasn’t a good thing for our possible relationship or rekindling. I Just wish we never met up again on the Sunday before she went, or wish we didn’t message when she was away etc, and I’d have never even known about it all. 

It’s not just technical. You two were not committed and did not promise exclusivity or even monogamy. Watch the feet not the lips. The actions not the words. But words matter when you tell someone “I’m not sure I want to be committed to you “ / then you take the risk that the person will move on in some way whether by sex with someone else or relocating geographically or relocating internally to a place where they place you on the periphery of their brain and heart.
 

When I ended my engagement to my now husband within a year he relocated went back to school for another advanced degree and started a new career.  I wanted him back s month after I ended it.  He said “it would  be really romantic and we’d end up in the same place with the same issues so no. “. 7.5 years later it was a different story.  Then we were ready.
I’ll tell you that we shared very little about our relationships in the interim. Yes that we had them - he met my long term ex- I knew of his and googled the other one lol.  

there’s a Carly Simon song “we have no secrets”. Read the lyrics. They’re wise in my opinion. Sometimes it’s better not to know.  Or ask. 

[Izac1789]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not just technical. You two were not committed and did not promise exclusivity or even monogamy. Watch the feet not the lips. The actions not the words. But words matter when you tell someone “I’m not sure I want to be committed to you “ / then you take the risk that the person will move on in some way whether by sex with someone else or relocating geographically or relocating internally to a place where they place you on the periphery of their brain and heart.
 

When I ended my engagement to my now husband within a year he relocated went back to school for another advanced degree and started a new career.  I wanted him back s month after I ended it.  He said “it would  be really romantic and we’d end up in the same place with the same issues so no. “. 7.5 years later it was a different story.  Then we were ready.
I’ll tell you that we shared very little about our relationships in the interim. Yes that we had them - he met my long term ex- I knew of his and googled the other one lol.  

there’s a Carly Simon song “we have no secrets”. Read the lyrics. They’re wise in my opinion. Sometimes it’s better not to know.  Or ask. 

Definitely agree with all of this - thank you. 
 

Its sad that it has been left on a sour note now, with her saying she does not want to talk to me right now as it’s giving her anxiety. I obviously will distance myself now and leave things completely, but if she gets back in touch would you suggest I apologise for being upset? 
 

Thanks  in advance 

[boltnrun]

Let this go.

As long as you insist on clinging to the wrong woman you'll never find the right one.

 

[Izac1789]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Let this go.

As long as you insist on clinging to the wrong woman you'll never find the right one.

 

I am going to, my mind is made up to let this go and move on. I suppose I don’t even need to let her know unless she gets back in touch. The last thing she said was she can’t talk to me right now as it was making her feel anxious 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Izac1789 said:

I am going to, my mind is made up to let this go and move on. I suppose I don’t even need to let her know unless she gets back in touch. The last thing she said was she can’t talk to me right now as it was making her feel anxious 

If she initiates contact I would briefly apologize -very briefly -and genuinely -and leave it at that. Do not use it as a way to continue a conversation.