Update on a 12 years old relationship that I had ask for advice here 5 years ago.

[youngatheart88]

I wanted to give an update on the relationship that I had ask for help 5 years ago which was 7 years old at that time. We broke up 1 year after I asked for advice.

My ex recently contacted me again and we met up. I still have warm feelings for her and have forgiven her for her cheating and behavior all those years ago. she's in her mid 30's now and I hope she learned a lot in life after several years apart.

What I found out is she lost her business and got cheated of her money from various lovers and is now broke. She came back after "much thought" and offer a simple apology. I had refused to give her a cash handout but instead offered to help her start a new business. She seems ok with that for a while but she keep disappearing and ghosting me.

After much toying around, I have decided that some people just can't change. She would go from wanting to sleep with me, which I refused, to disappearing. I had enough and blocked her, ask her to never contact me again.

To make this short... Some people just can't change. It's no use to give them any more chances and move on.

it's sad but true, some people you may love, but just can't help and should stay away from them.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, youngatheart88 said:

I wanted to give an update on the relationship that I had ask for help 5 years ago which was 7 years old at that time. We broke up 1 year after I asked for advice.

My ex recently contacted me again and we met up. I still have warm feelings for her and have forgiven her for her cheating and behavior all those years ago. she's in her mid 30's now and I hope she learned a lot in life after several years apart.

What I found out is she lost her business and got cheated of . She would go from wanting to sleep with me, to disappearing. 

She's had issues with drinking partying and living on and off with a variety of men including you.

She's half your age.

Yes delete and block her for good. Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own agenda.

[Batya33]

She can change.  She chooses not to.  I'm glad you are not back together with her because it doesn't sound like you two are compatible.  I wouldn't generalize beyond your situation. I hope you are well and thank you for the update! (I married my ex fiancee years after we broke up -we both changed -not for each other, on our own -and then we were right for each other!)

[Kwothe28]

In order for a person to change, something has to happen. And it has to be something that fundamentally changes their views. That is rarely going to happen, especially when person is already formed. We learn some behaviors while we are younger. For example she learned that she can go to various men who would take care of her, despite their ages. That is why she even came back to you. I have no idea why you would thought that somebody like that would be fine with forming her own job and taking care of herself. When her MO in mid 30s is that she seduces and asks guys like you for money. Persons like that dont even see it as a big deal. After all, she probably thinks that her investing time with you is worth that much. If you refuse there is always some other. But OK, at least you learned and didnt make the same mistake. 

[youngatheart88]

45 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

In order for a person to change, something has to happen. And it has to be something that fundamentally changes their views. That is rarely going to happen, especially when person is already formed. We learn some behaviors while we are younger. For example she learned that she can go to various men who would take care of her, despite their ages. That is why she even came back to you. I have no idea why you would thought that somebody like that would be fine with forming her own job and taking care of herself. When her MO in mid 30s is that she seduces and asks guys like you for money. Persons like that dont even see it as a big deal. After all, she probably thinks that her investing time with you is worth that much. If you refuse there is always some other. But OK, at least you learned and didnt make the same mistake. 

Over the years, I had heard that she borrowed a lot of money from friends to invest with her "boyfriend." The guy disappeared with all the money. I heard from friends she went into hiding for about 2 years to avoid everyone.
Only recently, she dropped a hello and told me how bad things were and she wanted to kill herself. I offered help. Afterward, I had a feeling she was playing in to my feelings for the desire to save her.
She's a mess and I already have a new and stable relationship for 4 years now. I'm happy and decided she's really a loser which I better avoid.

[youngatheart88]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

She can change.  She chooses not to.  I'm glad you are not back together with her because it doesn't sound like you two are compatible.  I wouldn't generalize beyond your situation. I hope you are well and thank you for the update! (I married my ex fiancee years after we broke up -we both changed -not for each other, on our own -and then we were right for each other!)

Thanks, I'm quite happy now with my current relationship and we have started new businesses and building a future.
Some people are losers and the desire to save them clouds the judgement sometimes. These people don't ever seem to change.

[Lambert]

my dad always had a saying...

givers can be takers, but takers only take. 

Count your blessings that you are free of this person and I hope your post helps others. 

Many times we excuse poor behavior in the name of love.  But that only enables abuse. We really do have to love ourselves more. 

[smackie9]

That's how she has always survived her whole life....sucking guys in, with affection/sex, playing the damsel in distress. She just tried again with you and possibly with someone else at the same time. She knows if sex is rejected, she can't control anything. She never did change, those were just words of manipulation. You were pretty close to believing it too. 

[boltnrun]

My brother's wife does the same thing. Lives off of men and always has her eye open for an "upgrade" (meaning a man with a bigger paycheck). She left him because he wasn't providing the amount of money she wanted to fund the lifestyle she think she deserves.

My brother got taken for a big time ride. I'm glad you didn't.

Just out of curiosity, what does your current partner think about you helping this woman start a business and her offering you sex?

[youngatheart88]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My brother's wife does the same thing. Lives off of men and always has her eye open for an "upgrade" (meaning a man with a bigger paycheck). She left him because he wasn't providing the amount of money she wanted to fund the lifestyle she think she deserves.

My brother got taken for a big time ride. I'm glad you didn't.

Just out of curiosity, what does your current partner think about you helping this woman start a business and her offering you sex?

I did tell my current BF that the ex show up and we talked. I did tell her, I didn't have sex with her and I asked her to never contact me again. This is all true. I didn't mention about offer her help to restart her life. It not something that had to be said and something I would do for any friend.

[boltnrun]

48 minutes ago, youngatheart88 said:

I didn't mention about offer her help to restart her life. It not something that had to be said and something I would do for any friend.

If you'd do it for any friend then why hide it from her? 

I mean, it's great that you cut this ex out of your life but it seems strange you'd hide some of your interactions with her from your current girlfriend.

[Rose Mosse]

17 hours ago, youngatheart88 said:

Thanks, I'm quite happy now with my current relationship and we have started new businesses and building a future.
Some people are losers and the desire to save them clouds the judgement sometimes. These people don't ever seem to change.

Just focus on your relationship. You’re not being entirely honest with yourself or your partner if you’re leaving details and intentions out. 

Also work forwards and take the high road. Name calling or calling someone a loser only reflects on your insecurity. Don’t go down that route. Choose peace and let go. It’s not your responsibility to save her. 

[youngatheart88]

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you'd do it for any friend then why hide it from her? 

I mean, it's great that you cut this ex out of your life but it seems strange you'd hide some of your interactions with her from your current girlfriend.

I am fortunate to have several businesses. My girlfriend don't have access or a say in my personal and my business financials. She does have a say in the financials for our relationship accounts.

In every relationship, each person must maintain their own identity and not all decisions or information should be shared. That is how I see it.

[catfeeder]

Good choice! Yes, it's true that some people are best loved from far away.

[Andrina]

On 2/1/2022 at 10:04 PM, youngatheart88 said:

In every relationship, each person must maintain their own identity and not all decisions or information should be shared. That is how I see it.

Sure, but is that how your present gf sees things? Did you say in concrete terms: I don't see anything wrong in keeping contact with an ex, business or otherwise, and I don't feel the need to tell you those details if that happens.

Just because you have particular parameters doesn't mean your gf will agree. If you haven't been explicit on how you operate in life, it's not fair to keep your gf in the dark when you decided to guide an ex in a new business.

On 1/31/2022 at 3:46 AM, youngatheart88 said:

She would go from wanting to sleep with me, which I refused, to disappearing.

I don't care if you denied her. This is crossing boundaries for most successful couples who are serious about their primary relationship. If I found out my man was involving himself in this way with a ex, I couldn't dump him fast enough. If your gf knew all this, her self esteem must be in the gutter.

When an old friend from our teen years befriended me on Facebook, the second he sent me a flirty message, even as he knew I was married, I deleted him as a friend.

How did you envision, in the most optimum way, how this situation was to play out to your satisfaction? If she were a charity case, why would you care if she decided not to continue with the business plan and leave your life? Obviously you were trying to fill some sort of void in your life. Don't you have normal friends to satisfy your social life? And do you not mind risking losing a longterm gf over an ex you've allowed back into your life?

 

[boltnrun]

So if you had proceeded with setting this ex of yours up in business would you have kept it a secret from your girlfriend forever?

Sorry, but your "explanation" seems very self serving.

[Batya33]

On 1/31/2022 at 9:57 PM, youngatheart88 said:

I did tell my current BF that the ex show up and we talked. I did tell her, I didn't have sex with her and I asked her to never contact me again. This is all true. I didn't mention about offer her help to restart her life. It not something that had to be said and something I would do for any friend.

The "we don't have to share all information" is a general statement.  I don't think it applies to this situation.  At all.