Boyfriends past has come up and shocked me

[greenfox4]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Totally fine we can agree to disagree - I don't relate to the leap from "everyone wants fulfillment" to visiting a prostitute and not telling your next sex partner about it despite the heightened STD risks.  For one thing.  I agree some people find fulfillment through sex, others through helping people, others through fuzzy socks.  Has nothing to do with this specific situation IMO.

I believe in giving people a chance if possible -when it comes to a potentially long term commitment I always prioritized compatible values. If someone visited prostitutes and didn't tell me about it and put my health at risk and the reason was because he was feeling sorry for himself I would not be with that person as a  romantic partner. I wouldn't have any opinion either way on him as a person in general -I'd still be cordial to him if I ran into him, etc.

I agree with the STD risk and would hope he'd have had himself tested before dating this girl and used protection when visiting the sex worker. Of course, there's every chance he didn't but it will be upto him to be truthful with her about it. 

We don't know what was going on in his life at that time, of course he may be using the 'bad time' reason as an excuse but so far he appears to of been upfront with her once confronted and I feel that she'd be better sitting down with him and discussing what happened to get a better understanding before making any rash decisions. 

Personally, I do feel it would be a mistake throw away a relationship which appears to of been going well up until this point based on something that happened pre relationship. We don't know if this was a one off event or a regular occurrence - this is something only he can tell her. 

Ultimately if Petra decides that she can't be with a man who has paid for sex then that is her choice but where is the line drawn? Are people who have had one night stands off the list? People who view porn? 

People aren't perfect, my own philosophy is to judge people by who they are today and hope they've learnt and improved from previous experiences. 

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think having intercourse is or seems like a basic human right at all.  And not having sex doesn't make one "alone" at all.   There's no need to go to a prostitute -there are "wants" but not needs.  A person with a disability who chooses to go to a prostitute having given up on finding a partner is not going to then meet someone like the OP and be with them. And in that situation if he does -if he changes his approach or perhaps gets different help for his disability -it would be a different conversation than the sort of pity party excuse the OP's boyfriend had.  

 

Actually I think you're wrong - sort of. I think that having sex is a basic human right in the sense that the majority of people can find either a partner or at least a hookup if they want to have sex. And let's be honest, unless someone is asexual, they do want to have sex. It's literally in our biological make-up because by nature we're meant to have sex. 

You can't imagine what it's like to be disabled or disfigured in some way. It's next to impossible to actually find someone who would want to have sex or date you. Yes there probably are some people that would date them but the percentage is small and very difficult to find. I even remember when many years ago I was going to a friend's New Year's Eve party and at the time my Mum was a bit desperate for me to find a boyfriend. She was asking if there would be any single guys at the party and I said there would be one guy from out of town and also a guy in a wheelchair there. I wasn't saying that as a bad thing but my Mum's friend was like: "DON'T get with the guy in a wheelchair, you don't need that!" I'd like to add also that I actually would date someone in a wheelchair if I really liked them, that's just what I'm like. It doesn't bother me. 

Also if everyone can please just speak for themselves when they say their opinion. Saying: "If he slept with a prostitute he's not going to find a partner", that's an opinion. It's not a fact. Why it's not a fact is because I would actually accept if my partner told me they'd been with a prostitute. That's just my choice. I consider myself to be a VERY open minded person. I'm not telling anyone else how to feel about it but that's just how I personally feel.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

I agree with the STD risk and would hope he'd have had himself tested before dating this girl and used protection when visiting the sex worker. Of course, there's every chance he didn't but it will be upto him to be truthful with her about it. 

We don't know what was going on in his life at that time, of course he may be using the 'bad time' reason as an excuse but so far he appears to of been upfront with her once confronted and I feel that she'd be better sitting down with him and discussing what happened to get a better understanding before making any rash decisions. 

Personally, I do feel it would be a mistake throw away a relationship which appears to of been going well up until this point based on something that happened pre relationship. We don't know if this was a one off event or a regular occurrence - this is something only he can tell her. 

Ultimately if Petra decides that she can't be with a man who has paid for sex then that is her choice but where is the line drawn? Are people who have had one night stands off the list? People who view porn? 

People aren't perfect, my own philosophy is to judge people by who they are today and hope they've learnt and improved from previous experiences. 

I'm pretty in agreement with everything you said. Let's be honest also, everyone has skeletons in the closet and something "bad" they've done in the past. And it's understandable that people aren't going to just straight off the bat tell this to someone they're dating. Everyone wants a chance to have love and have a relationship. Let's say a woman has had an abortion in the past. Is she going to say to her date right from the start: "Hey, my name is X and I've had an abortion"?

Yes it's tempting to want our partner to tell us right away everything "bad" they've ever done so that we can see if it aligns with our own beliefs and values. But then it becomes a bit too much I think. If someone is anti drugs and their partner has smoked a joint before, it's over? I also agree the present is more important than the past. Who that person is now and how they treat you.

Let's not also forget how this information was found. By snooping through the phone. I'm sure if everyone was to surrender their phone to be looked through, something negative will be found on every single person's phone. 

Also I've noticed every time this type of topic comes up, everyone is like: "OMG your partner hasn't been honest with you about risk of STD's". You have a risk of STD's if your partner actually HAS STD's. If they've been tested and they don't have them, they're not putting you at risk. Even if they slept with 100 people or a prostitute automatically doesn't mean they actually have STD's. Maybe they don't. You can very easily get STD's just by sleeping even with a small number of people and they don't have to be prostitutes either.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Totally fine we can agree to disagree - I don't relate to the leap from "everyone wants fulfillment" to visiting a prostitute and not telling your next sex partner about it despite the heightened STD risks.  For one thing.  I agree some people find fulfillment through sex, others through helping people, others through fuzzy socks.  Has nothing to do with this specific situation IMO.

I believe in giving people a chance if possible -when it comes to a potentially long term commitment I always prioritized compatible values. If someone visited prostitutes and didn't tell me about it and put my health at risk and the reason was because he was feeling sorry for himself I would not be with that person as a  romantic partner. I wouldn't have any opinion either way on him as a person in general -I'd still be cordial to him if I ran into him, etc.

Actually majority of prostitutes would use condoms even for oral sex because they don't want to catch anything themselves either. They're not stupid lol I think you'd actually be more likely to catch an STD from having sex with your average person because you don't suspect they'd have an STD so you might not be as careful.

[Rose Mosse]

OP, in your own words, you think of him as “a bit of a fool”. There is not much respect there. This bit of news is just a flimsy straw breaking the camel’s back. Why haven’t you dumped him as of yesterday? 

 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Actually I think you're wrong - sort of. I think that having sex is a basic human right in the sense that the majority of people can find either a partner or at least a hookup if they want to have sex.

That makes no sense to me then what you mean by "right"  - not how I've ever defined "basic human right" -and it scares me to think anyone would ever pull that excuse out of why they "needed" intercourse and did x y or z to get it (including all sorts of blurry gray line situations) because it's a "basic human right". But the OP's partner is not telling her that -he's telling her he chose to pay for sex, then chose to put her health at risk because he wanted to - his excuses boil down to "I did it cause I felt like it, I didn't tell you cause I didn't feel like it". In this specific situation.  He doesn't have a disability, he didn't say it was because it's his "right" to have intercourse if he feels horny and sorry for himself.  I'm done with broadening this beyond.

I don't think open minded means you get seriously involved with someone who doesn't have compatible values.  I personally avoided getting romantically involved with people who'd had many partners in a casual sex way - but I was friendly with them.  No judgment just not compatible for a serious relationship leading to marriage. The OP has to decide where she draws her own values line.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/17/2022 at 6:19 AM, Petra27 said:

We've been dating for 8months. He's getting tested tomorrow upon my request and I'll follow suit.

Ok so in just 32 weeks dating, there is rifling through phones unpleasant surprises and a host of other incompatibilities and distrust.

Of course the main thing is if you had not grabbed each others phones he would not have "come clean" about his propensity for this.

Cut your losses, not because of a debate on sex workers but because there is no trust and what you happened upon is only a piece of the puzzle.

Remember he did not volunteer this info but instead used some victim excuse about "in a bad place". If that were true, why was he seeing prostitutes rather than doctors and therapists?  What you know so far is he lies a lot.

[greenfox4]

Outside of the prostitution (which we can debate all day), I feel that trust is a major issue in this relationship - if she trusted him would she of felt the need to look through messages from over a year ago? Will he be able to trust her after she searched through all his old messages? 

[indea08]

On 1/17/2022 at 5:28 AM, Petra27 said:

Hi all

I'm a 36 y/o female and my boyfriend is a 32 y/o male. I recently discovered that he has slept with prostitutes about 6 months before meeting me. 

He said he was going through a bad time in his life and needed attention. It irks me that my gorgeous man had to go to these measures to get sex.

My idea of him has changed and what's worse is that he did not tell me, I had to find out.

Has anyone been through similar or have advice for me? What do I do?

I love him and he's wonderful however I'm so hurt and confused by this news.

 

OP, if you’re still reading, here is what I would do:

1. Immediately stop going through each other’s phones. There’s just no reason for that, it will never bring good results. Don’t do it.

2. Understand that your boyfriend (and yourself) is going to grow through many different versions of himself as he experiences life. Falling in love changes you, break ups change you, career shifts change you, time changes you. This means he’s not the same person today that he was however long ago. Does this help you feel like you can let it go?

3. He didn’t owe you an explanation for his actions, and he didn’t have to make you aware. I have plenty of memories that are just for me, for various reasons. Some of them are lessons I learned and don’t care to relive, some are very happy memories that wouldn’t make my husband feel good to hear about…I don’t owe anyone the knowledge of my story. If I choose to share, that’s a privilege for those I love. Taking information from your boyfriend’s past without his consent (aka snooping) is not okay. As far as STDs go, if he wasn’t a virgin then the risk was there. Period. If that’s a concern for you, handle that upfront with testing.

4. Look at what you have in your relationship today. Far too many people know how hard it is to find a good match, and build a healthy relationship. If you have a shot at that, you should take it. The past is over, but right now you’re setting yourself up for your future. That’s what matters.

[Tinydance]

8 hours ago, indea08 said:

OP, if you’re still reading, here is what I would do:

1. Immediately stop going through each other’s phones. There’s just no reason for that, it will never bring good results. Don’t do it.

2. Understand that your boyfriend (and yourself) is going to grow through many different versions of himself as he experiences life. Falling in love changes you, break ups change you, career shifts change you, time changes you. This means he’s not the same person today that he was however long ago. Does this help you feel like you can let it go?

3. He didn’t owe you an explanation for his actions, and he didn’t have to make you aware. I have plenty of memories that are just for me, for various reasons. Some of them are lessons I learned and don’t care to relive, some are very happy memories that wouldn’t make my husband feel good to hear about…I don’t owe anyone the knowledge of my story. If I choose to share, that’s a privilege for those I love. Taking information from your boyfriend’s past without his consent (aka snooping) is not okay. As far as STDs go, if he wasn’t a virgin then the risk was there. Period. If that’s a concern for you, handle that upfront with testing.

4. Look at what you have in your relationship today. Far too many people know how hard it is to find a good match, and build a healthy relationship. If you have a shot at that, you should take it. The past is over, but right now you’re setting yourself up for your future. That’s what matters.

All this 100%

[midnightdeirdre]

Here an old forum of mine from 2011...

 

Jealous/Upset over bf's wild past - Jealousy - eNotAlone Relationship Advice

[anonroze]

I hope that things get better though and that you're able to figure out an answer soon!

[anonroze]

On 1/18/2022 at 1:51 PM, indea08 said:

OP, if you’re still reading, here is what I would do:

1. Immediately stop going through each other’s phones. There’s just no reason for that, it will never bring good results. Don’t do it.

2. Understand that your boyfriend (and yourself) is going to grow through many different versions of himself as he experiences life. Falling in love changes you, break ups change you, career shifts change you, time changes you. This means he’s not the same person today that he was however long ago. Does this help you feel like you can let it go?

3. He didn’t owe you an explanation for his actions, and he didn’t have to make you aware. I have plenty of memories that are just for me, for various reasons. Some of them are lessons I learned and don’t care to relive, some are very happy memories that wouldn’t make my husband feel good to hear about…I don’t owe anyone the knowledge of my story. If I choose to share, that’s a privilege for those I love. Taking information from your boyfriend’s past without his consent (aka snooping) is not okay. As far as STDs go, if he wasn’t a virgin then the risk was there. Period. If that’s a concern for you, handle that upfront with testing.

4. Look at what you have in your relationship today. Far too many people know how hard it is to find a good match, and build a healthy relationship. If you have a shot at that, you should take it. The past is over, but right now you’re setting yourself up for your future. That’s what matters.

I completely agree with this comment. Here's the thing, I feel like a lot of people are quick to judge people who engage into things like this – because society has taught us to view these types of things as bad. Sure, he may not have told you. But there is a reason why. As you can see, you already started judging him and looking at him differently. What I don't understand is why humans act like we all haven't craved things and tried to do things to get them. I believe that people view prostitution as worse because there is money/value being involved... but aside from that.. what is the difference between that and people hooking up with strangers? Or going to bars or dating apps for the same thing that everyone wants – a desire for sex? And just because *you* personally view him as gorgeous, does not mean that would increase his chances of having sex with other people. I think society would do a lot better if we stopped judging people for going after their wants/needs, as long as it's done in a safe way. Not to mention, countless people engage in porn, and there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. I've seen people here in this thread mention that it was wrong or bad for him to engage in prostitution, because the prostitutes were being exploited. Newsflash... we all are! It doesn't matter what job you have, I guarantee there is a result of exploitation being involved somewhere. I don't see what's the point of acting all high and mighty when sex workers have been around for centuries. There's a reason why they're still here til this day. And assuming that he would carry diseases or STD's is a bit... ignorant? Sex workers are required to consistently take tests and make sure that they don't carry things as a part of their job. I bet a lot of you wouldn't immediately assume that he had STD's if he told you that he just hooked up with people through dating apps, or one night stands. But all of a sudden because it's a sex worker, he's disgusting and needs to immediately get a test. Hm. I wonder why that is?

 

Either way, if you can't bring yourself to release certain ignorant beliefs – or to realize that nobody is worse or more inferior than you because they chased after certain desires in a way that you didn't, then you should let him go. I'm sure he can find someone that wouldn't judge him as harshly. And you're also no better than him for snooping through his phone – but I guess that would be perceived as different since it's not as bad as sleeping with a sex worker in your eyes, I suppose?

 

He also didn't have to tell you this information either. I don't understand why that information would be vital or necessary to immediately tell someone. You inherently view people sleeping with sex workers as a bad thing, and believe that it leads to an increase of STDs, so you view it as betrayal or something that is inherently bad. However, that has nothing to do with the situation at hand, and those beliefs are... not factual. They are based upon ignorance and judgment. I'm sure you haven't told him everything under your sleeve that you've done that you would consider a "mistake" or shameful, and you don't have to tell him either. But instead of staying in a relationship with someone where you know you would continuously judge him, you should allow him to be with someone who would accept him for his past, present, and future. 

 

We've all done things due to wants/needs that aren't inherently the best. We are human, none of us are angels or saints despite how much we try to act like it. I've even seen someone mention therapy/a doctor – 1. Not everyone can afford those things, but also... medicine/science cannot cure the need of loneliness. It cannot help the need or desire of wanting a sexual encounter, intimacy, or whatever that may be. The only thing that can help with that, is another human being. And he decided to pay for it instead of it being for free. I'm struggling to understand the issue, honestly. Why would you not want to at least pay and support someone for an exchange? Everything is an exchange when you think about it – even if it is for free.

[Tinydance]

15 minutes ago, anonroze said:

I completely agree with this comment. Here's the thing, I feel like a lot of people are quick to judge people who engage into things like this – because society has taught us to view these types of things as bad. Sure, he may not have told you. But there is a reason why. As you can see, you already started judging him and looking at him differently. What I don't understand is why humans act like we all haven't craved things and tried to do things to get them. I believe that people view prostitution as worse because there is money/value being involved... but aside from that.. what is the difference between that and people hooking up with strangers? Or going to bars or dating apps for the same thing that everyone wants – a desire for sex? And just because *you* personally view him as gorgeous, does not mean that would increase his chances of having sex with other people. I think society would do a lot better if we stopped judging people for going after their wants/needs, as long as it's done in a safe way. Not to mention, countless people engage in porn, and there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. I've seen people here in this thread mention that it was wrong or bad for him to engage in prostitution, because the prostitutes were being exploited. Newsflash... we all are! It doesn't matter what job you have, I guarantee there is a result of exploitation being involved somewhere. I don't see what's the point of acting all high and mighty when sex workers have been around for centuries. There's a reason why they're still here til this day. And assuming that he would carry diseases or STD's is a bit... ignorant? Sex workers are required to consistently take tests and make sure that they don't carry things as a part of their job. I bet a lot of you wouldn't immediately assume that he had STD's if he told you that he just hooked up with people through dating apps, or one night stands. But all of a sudden because it's a sex worker, he's disgusting and needs to immediately get a test. Hm. I wonder why that is?

 

Either way, if you can't bring yourself to release certain ignorant beliefs – or to realize that nobody is worse or more inferior than you because they chased after certain desires in a way that you didn't, then you should let him go. I'm sure he can find someone that wouldn't judge him as harshly. And you're also no better than him for snooping through his phone – but I guess that would be perceived as different since it's not as bad as sleeping with a sex worker in your eyes, I suppose?

 

He also didn't have to tell you this information either. I don't understand why that information would be vital or necessary to immediately tell someone. You inherently view people sleeping with sex workers as a bad thing, and believe that it leads to an increase of STDs, so you view it as betrayal or something that is inherently bad. However, that has nothing to do with the situation at hand, and those beliefs are... not factual. They are based upon ignorance and judgment. I'm sure you haven't told him everything under your sleeve that you've done that you would consider a "mistake" or shameful, and you don't have to tell him either. But instead of staying in a relationship with someone where you know you would continuously judge him, you should allow him to be with someone who would accept him for his past, present, and future. 

 

We've all done things due to wants/needs that aren't inherently the best. We are human, none of us are angels or saints despite how much we try to act like it. I've even seen someone mention therapy/a doctor – 1. Not everyone can afford those things, but also... medicine/science cannot cure the need of loneliness. It cannot help the need or desire of wanting a sexual encounter, intimacy, or whatever that may be. The only thing that can help with that, is another human being. And he decided to pay for it instead of it being for free. I'm struggling to understand the issue, honestly. Why would you not want to at least pay and support someone for an exchange? Everything is an exchange when you think about it – even if it is for free.

Well I guess the thing is that if people have very different beliefs and values then maybe it's true that it's not going to work. E.g. If one person thinks sleeping with a sex worker is really bad and their partner has actually done that, it's a big mismatch. So obviously this guy would need a girlfriend that can accept it. If she can't accept it than it's just how she feels but he can't actually change his past now so it's just the way things are.

I haven't read that book "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne or something, but I know the storyline. It's set in the 19th Century and it's about a young woman who had a baby out of wedlock. She gets punished and humiliated in the town square or something and then has to wear a big red letter "A" on her clothes for the rest of her life. Which I think stands for "adulteress". 

The thing is, I think most of us have done something "bad" in our life. Because it's in the past I don't think we have to wear a "scarlet letter" and be punished for it the rest of our lives. It's understandable that not everyone wants to just tell everything bad about themselves straight away. Maybe in some cases they even regret it and they just want a fresh start. Or maybe they do want to tell that person but they need to build some trust first and be sure that the person isn't going to judge them. We actually can't change our past so for us to open up about it we need to feel safe in telling someone these things.

I think that the sex worker and sleeping with sex workers STD thing is more of a myth. One of my friends is a sex worker and from everything she's told me, sex workers are really careful with using protection. I think the chance of getting it just from an average person is actually higher for various reasons. I think people are actually less likely to use protection with an average person than a sex worker and some people don't do regular STD tests and may not even know they have STD's if they're asymptomatic.

Also I think most people like to think of themselves as good and not judgemental towards themselves, but yet some will judge others. For example, I have a friend who told us she was drunk and she invited a guy from Tinder over for sex. She said he just came over and basically began having sex straight away. Then she never saw him again. But then one of our other friends said he was going to a swingers party and she said to him: "I'm really not happy and uncomfortable you're going there, I think it's disgusting". And I said to her: "OK but you told us about that guy from Tinder and we didn't say anything to you and didn't judge you?" 

What I'm trying to get at is I'm sure we've all done something but we don't necessarily apply judgement to ourselves for it or we just try to forget about it. But we can be quick to judge others.

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

What I'm trying to get at is I'm sure we've all done something but we don't necessarily apply judgement to ourselves for it or we just try to forget about it. But we can be quick to judge others.

I don't see where this is about judging.  It's about choosing a compatible romantic partner for a potentially serious relationship. Of course people who do that might also be judging but choosing not to be with someone who has incompatible values in a romantic relationship often has no judgment attached to it in the least -that person may work with, be close friends with, be acquainted with many people who have done things that would be a mismatch values wise in a marriage but not in a friendship or working relationship.

I am friends with people who cheated on their spouses, very close friends with a woman who worked in a brothel (not as a sex worker but I believe topless as a "hostess"), several of my friends have had multiple sex partners, used illegal drugs, and are of different religions than me.  But I wouldn't have gotten serious with someone who believed it was ok and had had multiple sex partners, or frequented strip clubs, used illegal drugs or was of a different religion than me.  I would not have judged someone for having a lot of tattoos and long hair and wouldn't have dated that person.  I chose to stop dating a recovering drug addict after 4 dates and chose to stop dating a single father after three months (baby was born while we were dating) Totally different analysis. 

We all have made our mistakes - I mean, obviously.  It doesn't mean I have to get seriously involved or married a person who made a mistake that involved something that's a dealbreaker to me values wise.  But I might be friends with the person.  And I most likely won't judge the person - I believe in humility and tolerance if at all possible.  

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't see where this is about judging.  It's about choosing a compatible romantic partner for a potentially serious relationship. Of course people who do that might also be judging but choosing not to be with someone who has incompatible values in a romantic relationship often has no judgment attached to it in the least -that person may work with, be close friends with, be acquainted with many people who have done things that would be a mismatch values wise in a marriage but not in a friendship or working relationship.

I am friends with people who cheated on their spouses, very close friends with a woman who worked in a brothel (not as a sex worker but I believe topless as a "hostess"), several of my friends have had multiple sex partners, used illegal drugs, and are of different religions than me.  But I wouldn't have gotten serious with someone who believed it was ok and had had multiple sex partners, or frequented strip clubs, used illegal drugs or was of a different religion than me.  I would not have judged someone for having a lot of tattoos and long hair and wouldn't have dated that person.  I chose to stop dating a recovering drug addict after 4 dates and chose to stop dating a single father after three months (baby was born while we were dating) Totally different analysis. 

We all have made our mistakes - I mean, obviously.  It doesn't mean I have to get seriously involved or married a person who made a mistake that involved something that's a dealbreaker to me values wise.  But I might be friends with the person.  And I most likely won't judge the person - I believe in humility and tolerance if at all possible.  

Well yes that's very true, I actually did mention it in my comment also that for a relationship the two people need to have the same or at least very similar beliefs and values. And of course we don't know much about the OP's own life, seeing as she hasn't written about it. For example, maybe she hasn't really had any hookups, one night stands, things like that. So yes it would come as a shock that her partner has had "no strings sex" and albeit with a sex worker.

And she does have a right to feel the way she feels and find a guy who hasn't been with a sex worker. 

Actually I've written about this in another post. About 12 years ago I was dating this very shy Indian guy. I was 25 and he was 27. He actually seemed really nice and sweet, he had a Master's Degree and he was an engineer. I knew he was shy because we went on six dates and he never kissed me or held my hand or anything. On the sixth date I actually kissed him myself when he was seeing me off on the train.

After that I guess he got the courage to invite me to his place. We were just having a few drinks and to be honest I think I was being nosey and asked him how many women he'd slept with. He said he'd had sex with a woman only once in his life to lose his virginity and it was a prostitute. Anyway unfortunately he couldn't hold his alcohol and he vomited all over my clothes. I had to go home and I had nothing else to change into so I just went like that on public transport. It was very unpleasant lol Oh and we didn't even hook up or anything because he threw up all over me first lol

Anyway so afterwards I thought about what he told me about the prostitute and I was really shocked and uncomfortable about it. I messaged him to say that I didn't feel good about it and wasn't sure if I wanted to keep seeing him. He actually started apologising to me about it and begging me a lot to change my mind. He said he's always been so shy and he was still a virgin at 25 and his friends teased him about it, so that's why he did it. 

I said I wasn't going to change my mind and then just didn't reply. But weirdly even back then after some time passed I actually regretted my decision. But I'd changed phones or something and I lost his number. People didn't really use Facebook as much back then but regardless I don't think I could find him there. I used to think about him for a while afterwards and I actually really wanted to contact him and apologise.

Anyway this is ironic but recently I had to mass delete a lot of E-mails from my Outlook and I found an E-mail from him back from 2010. But I figured 12 years later it was a little late to message him lol Especially if he has a wife and kids by now and his wife just sees an E-mail from some random woman saying: "I'm sorry I dumped you because you slept with a prostitute" loooll

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, anonroze said:

 Sex workers are required to consistently take tests and make sure that they don't carry things as a part of their job. 

You're quite arrogant and uninformed. This is a personal issue between the OP and her BF involving trust. Not a political rant about prostitution.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're quite arrogant and uninformed. This is a personal issue between the OP and her BF involving trust. Not a political rant about prostitution.

I wouldn't really call it arrogant. I think it probably depends on where you actually live and the legal status and laws of prostitution. You're right that it's a personal issue involving trust. What this person said is not uninformed though. In my state where I live in Australia prostitution is very much decriminalised and currently some new laws passed or will pass legalising it even further. Street walking is illegal here and majority of sex work is done in brothels where they are legal licensed venues and they have to follow rules and constant STD checks. Please speak for your own place of residence as you don't know what goes on in other countries.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

said I wasn't going to change my mind and then just didn't reply. But weirdly even back then after some time passed I actually regretted my decision.

I think it's normal for people's values and beliefs and what they consider to be dealbreakers to shift especially as they get older.  

 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's normal for people's values and beliefs and what they consider to be dealbreakers to shift especially as they get older.  

 

I agree. I used to date a guy who sold pot (!). Today I wouldn't even consider dating someone who does that.

But regardless of whether any of us think prostitution is OK or not, if the OP is not OK with it she is well within her rights to choose not to date a man who utilizes prostitutes.

 

[j.man]

Of course he's going to give you some excuse like he was going through a rough time.  Dude's not gonna just be like "lol what can i say i wanted a lady to treat my face like a rocking chair that night."  Take it for what it was / is and let that be the context from which to determine whether this is really a values-based deal breaker.  Trying to dream up a scenario whereby you could tolerate it or expecting him to jump through hoops to make it happen is hardly the way to go about it.  

My days of debating the moral dilemmas and ambiguities surrounding sex work at 9am are long over, so I'll just say I've lost the mutual respect in people I've dated for a lot less. I didn't and don't feel the need to defend it, but I also didn't project it.  It's just kind of a "sorry, not feeling it anymore; wish you the best."  Dude can't take back his evening with Candy, so unfortunately the onus is on you to either get over it or not.  No real wrong answer answer there so long as you're being honest with yourself about it.  

I will say it's a good idea both he and you get tested.  As someone on team "no kids, no STDs, no business of mine," that's honestly just a good practice in general going between serious intimate relationships.  And while it's certainly your life to live, I'd ditch the "open phone" policy rikky tik, at least as anything beyond how pretty much any healthy relationship treats it, which is simply being able to use each others' **** if you happen to need to.  

I don't know.  All of 8 months in, I'd ask for the check.  But if you've somehow come out of these last two years with too few problems, I suppose more power to you trying to work it out.  Best of luck.

[Blue_Skirt]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

In my state where I live in Australia prostitution is very much decriminalised and currently some new laws passed or will pass legalising it even further. Street walking is illegal here and majority of sex work is done in brothels where they are legal licensed venues and they have to follow rules and constant STD checks.

I agree with this. I live in Europe. In the country where I was born and grew up, when you fulfill certain criteria, prostitution is legal. In the country where I live now, it is very much decriminalized.

I make no difference between going to a prostitute, having one-night stands, FWBs, sugar daddy arrangements, casual sex etc. etc. because I like none of these, but that`s just me.

I think the OP has to make up her mind whether or not this is a dealbreaker.

[Ayanokōji]

On 1/17/2022 at 11:28 PM, Petra27 said:

Hi all

I'm a 36 y/o female and my boyfriend is a 32 y/o male. I recently discovered that he has slept with prostitutes about 6 months before meeting me. 

He said he was going through a bad time in his life and needed attention. It irks me that my gorgeous man had to go to these measures to get sex.

My idea of him has changed and what's worse is that he did not tell me, I had to find out.

Has anyone been through similar or have advice for me? What do I do?

I love him and he's wonderful however I'm so hurt and confused by this news.

 

Is him having gone to prostitutes 6 months before meeting u a deal breaker for u?

I'm pretty sure most men don't tell their S.O they went to prostitutes 6 months before they met u unless u specifically asked, like why bring this up? Especially when he probably thinks its normal (I'm assuming it's legal where u reside?)

Just coz u think a guy is amazing isn't an indicator of whether he'd go to prostitutes or not.

[Tanzi]

On 1/17/2022 at 11:19 AM, Petra27 said:

I hear you. You're right on the mistrust to an extent. And yes he's a bit of a fool. All was there for me to see. 

We've been dating for 8months. He's getting tested tomorrow upon my request and I'll follow suit.

Your comment on proclivities has me thinking 😞

Rightly or wrongly, I would not be okay with a partner having had sex with prostitutes ….. but to NOT get tested …. well that would tip the scales. 

 

[Tanzi]

On 1/21/2022 at 6:10 PM, Blue_Skirt said:

 

I make no difference between going to a prostitute, having one-night stands, FWBs, sugar daddy arrangements, casual sex etc. etc. because I like none of these, but that`s just me.

There is a big difference between prostitution and having one-night stands, FWBs and casual sex (though the sugar daddy thing is questionable).

Prostitution is a means to an end for many women in dire situations. The majority of them are exploited and are putting themselves in danger in order to live. That is not the case with FWB or one night stands where no money is involved and it is what both parties who are physically attracted to each other want at the time.