Miss ex terribly and want him back

[Rose27588]

I ended my long term relationship in March. We had broken up the previous summer, went to counseling, but I felt that he didn’t put in the work to change what caused a huge strain i.e. shutting himself off for days on end over disagreements. I explained many times I couldn’t handle it. The added pressure of working a highly stressful job during the pandemic compounded my anxieties. 

Since the breakup I have been seriously depressed. I have been prescribed three different antidepressants which I had to come off due to severe side effects (suicidal thoughts and night sweats) I have been to therapy which didn’t really help. My support network has broken down as my depression has been a burden on my friends, I know it’s difficult for them to see me go from a bubbly, happy person to the way I am now and I was feeling like a drain so I don’t really have many people to talk to.

We have been on and off in touch but I decided to start no contact 2 weeks ago. He messaged me to say Merry Christmas and I wished him a good year. He has said he misses me and the past year has been really tough but he thinks if we got back together it would fail and two break ups has damaged him psychologically. He has admitted that I was a great partner and he got comfortable and coasted in the relationship.

I made the mistake of practically begging him to try again when I should have given us both space and time to heal. I miss him so much and I can’t shake the feeling that we were soulmates and I’d love for us to get back together. For the most part, the relationship was fantastic.

I’m hoping the no contact will give us both perspective. I just don’t know what to do, controlling the urge to reach out is incredibly difficult but I’m using every ounce of willpower I have to stick with it. He has also made Facebook and Instagram accounts but he was always very anti social media. My gut feeling is he wanted to see what I was up to but my accounts are private anyway.

I wish there was a medicine for heartbreak because the pain is unbearable.

[Rose Mosse]

It’s not clear what the reasons were for ending the relationship. What kind of changes were you looking for? 

Unfortunately the only medicine for heartbreak is time and it is not a quick fix. 

 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Rose27588 said:

I ended my long term relationship in March. We had broken up the previous summer, went to counseling, but I felt that he didn’t put in the work to change what caused a huge strain i.e. shutting himself off for days on end over disagreements. I explained many times I couldn’t handle it. The added pressure of working a highly stressful job during the pandemic compounded my anxieties. 

I'm sorry for your pains 😞 .. Yes, after the fails of a long-term relationship it does & will hurt a while.

But, you broke things off because it was affecting you too much in a negative, obviously. And I agree with that.  When involved, a relationship can be successful with certain aspects.... eg.  communication, trust, respect, and takes your energy.

So, as you look at all of this, it was HIM who would pull away when times were challenging.

Then you two gave it another go.. but no success. And sadly, is often how it goes, because what caused the BU was not fixed.  (maybe due to no time to work on in, or his 'not giving effort')?

Either way, it has been a rough year for you and I think it's time for YOU to start working on accepting this now.

You will go through many phases of 'grief'. ( denial, anger, sadness, etc.  until you can accept).  And yes, the best way to do so and move forward is to do No Contact.

I found journaling helped me through rough times.  I'd write it all down, all I wanted to say to him that day or several times a day- on how I was ticked off with him.. i vented my anger, etc.  It takes time and you need to give yourself that.

Having a relationship end is rough, but it can also be okay, after a while and things don't feel so bad.  Give yourself time and remember self care ❤️ .

I was put on something for my anxiety for a year or so, then weaned off that and onto a mood stablizer and I had hit bottom and was struggling a lot 😕 .  I am doing a little better nowadays.  I also did therapy for over 2 yrs.  Therapy helps you 'work through things', learn coping skills, etc., so I suggest you keep trying with that.

And say positives to yourself... I'd often repeat, ' I was okay before him, I'll be okay after him'.

One day at a time.  TC

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened, but you were right to end things. On/off relationships are nothing but headaches and heartaches and drama.

Particularly with mental health frailties a volatile relationship will make you feel worse.

The best thing you can do is get to a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Discuss your side effects and the refractory nature of your depression. Get appropriate tests done to rule out other issues.

Stopping antidepressants abruptly is unwise. You'll need a better work up.

After making sure your physical health is in order, see a psychiatrist who can appropriately evaluate your symptoms, drug side effects and determine the best course of treatment.

Ask for a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Going backwards to a bad relationship won't solve your problems. 

 

[boltnrun]

You broke up with him because he was making you unhappy.

He's still making you unhappy.

He is not the solution. He is the problem.

The sooner you completely break away and end all communication, the sooner you will start to feel better.

[catfeeder]

The problem with breaking up with someone with hope that it will prompt a change is a Hail Mary, because if a change was within the will of that person, it would have come about voluntarily.

So trace this back to the thing that caused you pain. He's telling you that he's NOT willing to change that. He never was willing to change that, so here you are.

You didn't lose him because you broke up--he was gone already.

So now you get to decide how much this breakup 'must' ruin your healing power.

Deciding that you are broken by him is not going to win him back.

Make a better choice, and make it your goal to prove your resilience to yourself and become proud of that.

Head high. We all learn from living--or not. That's a choice too.

[Rose27588]

Thanks all, I needed to read those. I’ve taken it on board. You’re all right I know I deserve better. Loneliness doesn’t help either which makes me feel worse and more hung up on him 

[Batya33]

Why are you lonely?  Do you have friends you can see/talk to?

[Rose Mosse]

7 hours ago, Rose27588 said:

Thanks all, I needed to read those. I’ve taken it on board. You’re all right I know I deserve better. Loneliness doesn’t help either which makes me feel worse and more hung up on him 

Staying in touch prolonged the healing. You’ve only let go or haven’t spoken to him two weeks ago so give yourself more time. Keep busy.

[Rose27588]

I’m meeting him in a couple of weeks for a coffee, I’m so nervous but I think I need at the very least some closure 

[boltnrun]

On 1/19/2022 at 4:52 PM, Rose27588 said:

Thanks all, I needed to read those. I’ve taken it on board. You’re all right I know I deserve better. Loneliness doesn’t help either which makes me feel worse and more hung up on him 

You wrote this just a few days ago. Why did you change your mind?

Remember, this man is the cause of your pain, not the solution.

"Closure" is a myth. And anyway, it isn't something the person who hurt you "gives" you. It happens when you realize you've been clinging to the wrong person, and when you decide to work in your best interest and leave the wrong relationship in the past where it belongs.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/16/2022 at 8:23 PM, Rose27588 said:

he thinks if we got back together it would fail

Meeting for coffee won't fix him, the on/off  situation, the incompatibilities, conflicts or your mental health.

[Rose27588]

I feel like he never actually acknowledged the hurt he caused me and never accepted responsibility for his actions which caused me so much pain, and I’m so sad that he didn’t care enough about me to want to change, I am feeling very fragile at the moment and I admit I don’t trust my own judgement 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Rose27588 said:

I’m meeting him in a couple of weeks for a coffee, I’m so nervous but I think I need at the very least some closure 

You must give yourself closure.  Your expectations that he will say something to give you closure are unrealistic.  I'm sorry he caused you pain and chose not to make changes and chose not to be in a relationship with you.  It's not because he didn't care enough about you -why assume that? Please don't meet with him.

[Rose Mosse]

29 minutes ago, Rose27588 said:

I feel like he never actually acknowledged the hurt he caused me and never accepted responsibility for his actions which caused me so much pain, and I’m so sad that he didn’t care enough about me to want to change, I am feeling very fragile at the moment and I admit I don’t trust my own judgement 

What actions were those? "his actions which caused me so much pain"

At this point don't you think him acknowledging anything is rather "after the fact"? What could he possibly say that would make anything better except for him telling you that he wants to reconcile with you or is sorry for what he's done. Would you even believe it coming from him? 

You're lonely and not sure if you can confide in friends and don't want to burden them. Those are all valid concerns and feelings. I suggest taking up therapy again even if to speak to someone and get these emotions off your chest. 

[boltnrun]

37 minutes ago, Rose27588 said:

I feel like he never actually acknowledged the hurt he caused me and never accepted responsibility for his actions which caused me so much pain, and I’m so sad that he didn’t care enough about me to want to change, I am feeling very fragile at the moment and I admit I don’t trust my own judgement 

The worst thing you can do is expect the person who hurt you to be the one to remove the pain.

Also, it's not that he didn't care. The two of you are just not the right fit. He is not the right man for you.

I strongly recommend you cancel the coffee meeting. 

[adviceplease2]

Some people just don't fit into each other's lives....at least not the way one might be wanting.  When you don't fit together, its like trying to force a puzzle piece in that just isn't the right piece.

There is no one person for anyone.  Soulmates is just a myth.  

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Rose27588 said:

I am feeling very fragile at the moment and I admit I don’t trust my own judgement 

This is not a good time to see him. He is not going to change or take responsibility. Putting your hand back in the fire will just hurt you again.

[Rose27588]

I had my first session with a new therapist yesterday. I am carrying a huge burden of pain and we are going to try to unpack everything. There was a lot of tears and it felt good to talk and let it all out. The pain was shutting me out and silent treatment. I have abandonment fear due to my childhood and this hugely exacerbated those feelings.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Rose27588 said:

I had my first session with a new therapist yesterday. I am carrying a huge burden of pain and we are going to try to unpack everything. There was a lot of tears and it felt good to talk and let it all out. The pain was shutting me out and silent treatment. I have abandonment fear due to my childhood and this hugely exacerbated those feelings.

And that's exactly why seeing the person who caused you so much pain and expecting him to make it all better makes no sense. Why inflict that kind of pain onto yourself?

Does your therapist advocate in favor of seeing your ex for "closure"?

Are you willing to cancel this meeting knowing it will do nothing but make the pain ten times worse? I hope you make the best choice for yourself and tell him the meeting is cancelled.

[MissCanuck]

Meeitng up with him is a very bad idea, OP. 

It will not provide you with closure. It will hurt you even more. 

[Rose27588]

I’ve taken advice on board and cancelled coffee 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Rose27588 said:

I’ve taken advice on board and cancelled coffee 

Yes. Discuss your feeling with your therapist. It's not easy but you're on the right path talking to someone and cutting toxic people out of your life.