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Is this a toxic relationship? NEXT ONE OR NEXT WITH MYSELF?


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Well, these will be intense for me to write.

I'm in a relationship for about 5 years,

We meet online, it was a long distance relation for about a year and despite the age gap(only 10 years but not a relevant thing) we decided to live together because we really felt that we was meant for each other.

Both of us made sacrifices for sure, but I made the must by moving to a new life, a new culture far away from my family, friends, letting behind a successful carrier and perusing my first love + relationship after 28 years of hard work and study.

When I moved in, it was magic, we really felt like we where together for more than 20years, and based on my heart and believes I immediately got focused on building a GREAT live together no matter what, my goal it was always to build a great live for us and my family.

So we was not so bad economically speaking at that time but I mean we where quite short, I need to find a job start from zero letting in a side my ambitions, take care of a house (cleaning and maintaining stuff) and still support emotionally my boyfriend, support him on his carrier and help his family to heal from previous family problems, so quite normal stuff.

So 4 years later here we're:

My boyfriend(from now on my roommate):

- Getting all my support, knowledge, time and the must of my energy to build a great business... HIS business, so he is now millionaire, has multiple properties, buy all what makes him happy, spent the must of the time doing the things that make him happy, sharing his success with friends and getting the must of his time "busy" on his business.

- He does not like to kiss me, hug me, say I love you or after 5 years give me a surprise, OR the must important he is mostly not there for me in my hard moments, or really support me in my professional development. Instead he call me dreamer, an emigrant, that I will achieve nothing in live etc etc etc.. but then I think come-on look what I helped you to build in a blink of an eye? and still working for you by free?

-Hiding his phone from me, going out almost every day for business meetings.

Me:

- Taking care mostly of my roommate(alias boyfriend) stuff without getting nothing in exchange (no love no surprises)

-Living ilegal on his house, and seeking approval for my new nationality by my own effort (5-6 years road) not his (it can be done on 2-3 years but he did not toke the initiative or actions)

-Working to make my own money (the one I use to buy my stuff and buy gifts to him and his family)

-Living apart from my family

-Grieving alone in the house after my mother passing few month ago

-Struggling emotionally, fighting to get professionally somewhere and get back on track with my ambitions

- Cleaning a mansion (because he does not want cleaning staff), making the maintenance of  the house and doing the laundering.

-Still looking up at his business and other properties remo and maintenance.

-Preparing my surprises for Christmas, Valentine's day, birthdays, anniversary and yea me getting nothing of those back

So basically: My I'm boyfriend's Business manager, House keeping, problem solver, etc BY FREE, which I believe is fine when both parties get profit of it, is not about working together to give all the profit to one, that should not be the normal, right?

Conclusions: He does not give LOVE because he need FEEDOM and SPACE, he does not give  me money because THANKS GOD I earn my own and because he say I live in his house without paying rent. And when I asked him to hire my company services (basically to do the same I do for FREE on his company) he say I'm just a typical emigrant looking for money, and that partners do things for free (but he does not do things for me, and his legal service I NED TO PAY IT, with discount but I NEED TO PAY IT!), but yea there is a small point WE ARE NOT LEGALLY PARTNERS, NOT MARIED neither engage, by law I'm a ghost on his live.. SO when I say I will not do nothing else for him because I'm in the need of investing my TIME  on building something for me, to build a family and a real life, then he say I want that to kill him, destroy his carrier just because I'm looking for his money or that I'm envy on his success 😐, yes the one I helped to achieve DAA.

So he prefers to pay ANOTHER COMPANY to do what I do for free and not pay to my company or be really grateful of all what I have made by giving me LOVE?

After all this time I feel tired, looking how many thing I have lost on 5 years, just for being so stupid and donated 5 years of my live to my boyfriend's life believing we was building something FOR US, but is meant to be just for HIM (the one who spend 100 of thousands on stuff for himself and no 1 euro for  something for me...? And then pretend to have the right to decide what I need or not to do with my money?). I truly love him, now a bit less, but I don't want to give up and move on and try to save this relation, but he does not want to change because "I broke his heart by saying all this to him", he even wants to go for professional advice. SO I think I'll move on and start again from zero now more tired and old but I mean is better now than too late, I need to try to put the full focus on my live and getting the strength to over come this situation and be a dreamer YES and get back my ambitions to build what I was mean to. NOw is time for me! Focus just on my and my family and do not look around for more partners (problems) I used to believe that in a relationship both parties invest time on each other and support each other dreams in similar percentage, but it seams to be not the case.

 

My boyfriend say, this is a normal situation on a relationship, that I'm the difficult one.... So before I move on and for future reference  I would like to hear if this is a normal thing? because if it's the case I would really like to become a WEIRD one and turn around to a relation just with myself..... Looking for your opinions

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Who even cares if it’s normal?! There is no normal, there’s what works for you in a relationship and what doesn’t and being in a one sided relationship doesn’t work for you. And that’s ok. (Really, being in a one sided relationship doesn’t work for anyone!)
 

What happens if you uninvest a bit? Stop giving gifts on special occasions, give some serious consideration to moving out (I want to suggest drop the house cleaning but with no marriage and no rental agreement I worry that will take you out of the frying pan and into the fire). 
 

I think this guy sucks, this relationship has run it’s course, it’s time to put your mighty energy towards working out to move out and be free of him. 

Edited by 1a1a
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Ask your friends and family for help moving back home. You're miserable and it's not working out.

 Do it now before you get deported. It was foolish to move to him and expect marriage to solve all your problems.

Take your money and get out.

Edited by Wiseman2
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@1a1a thanks for your message, I'm really an unconditional lover, but sadly I always look for something in exchange.... LOVE AND RESPECT....as human I got my limits, I just want to be loved and someone who LISTEN and understand my ideas, and just not called me dreamer. So there are people like my boyfriend who get people like me to do all for them, and others like me who need to stand infront of the mirror and realice that my success in live is fully on my hands, I cannot pretend others will do for me the same I do for them. My boyfriend said to me and others that "he is grateful on having me on his life because of what I do and built for him" 😐 but yea reality is something else, bla bla and zero facts. And yes! he just said if you don't want to manage my businesses and properties REE OF COST go away I HIRE A COMPANY, if you don't want to clean the house the door is open, and yes he tries to hold me on his hands but I'm hell stronger than that. If I was able to build an empire for him in just 2 years why I cannot build it for myself? It maybe takes me a while but I will give the try and place all the focus and effort on ME and my family, no another person!  #inependenceDay :D 

Edited by A dreamer and I love it
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@Wiseman2 Thanks for your message, Before my lovely mother passed she ensure that I was getting fully independent, so after 5 years working hard for a transnational, I will not get deported, that my boyfriend has the power to turn the process difficult for me, yes it can be, but I'm not afraid #readyToPlayHard. I never believed that marriage will solve my problems and I'm not used to planning my future tied to others, this was the first time. Just get to realize too late that you cannot build your life next to someone who is not willing to build a life for US but just for HIM, meaning HAVING ME building a life for HIM without matter if I'm tempting against myself on the process. I agree! a one side relation does not work out for me 😉 I got tired of the "building our life, building our future" but in the end when a hard moment comes his speech is "you're by your own" or "I need to think if helping you" just because all that I achieve is on HIS name because is "normal"... no sorry #next

Edited by A dreamer and I love it
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3 hours ago, A dreamer and I love it said:

My boyfriend say, this is a normal situation on a relationship, that I'm the difficult one.... So before I move on and for future reference  I would like to hear if this is a normal thing? because if it's the case I would really like to become a WEIRD one and turn around to a relation just with myself..... Looking for your opinions

Women are usually conditioned to behave like this from an early age. Did you watch your parents also fill these roles? 

He’ll never treat you as an equal. If you’re looking for a boyfriend, this man isn’t it.

Be kind to yourself and more loyal to your goals and dreams.

In future if you make any moves or relocate, do so on your own terms without the aid of a “boyfriend” or partner. Move for work or job prospects and apply for residency on the basis of your own merits and accomplishments. 

Never ever depend on a man, other person, partner for help with a move like this. 

 

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@Rose Mosse HI Rose, thanks for your message. That's the point I did not growth under these believes, I was rase to build hard together for a common goal, and all was like that at the beginning, things change after his accounts started to experience an exponencial growth. After 3 month of relation I realized what you just said, so then I toke ownership of my legal status, applied for a job and my nationality application is tied to it on another country pending approval for about 3 more years.. The hard part it has been to let go all what I have built without  realizing that it belongs to someone else (the house where my mother spent the last months with me, my dog, or the dog.. I got but at the end has another legal owner :D ...the remembers attached to things 😞 ...). It has been hard to see how much effort I place on delivering results and loose the point of the other party being focused on how to hold all and still get control over me... Is like when you work hard and your boss take the credits, profits and still make sure that you can not growth and you will be enforced to remain under his shadow, the same.

Edited by A dreamer and I love it
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You don't need to defend yourself.   I hope writing this all down helps you get some clarity.

He has no intention in having you as an equal partner in a relationship.  He continues to push you down and keep you in the position of nothing more than the house maid.

Move home.  Nothing normal about this.  

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There is literally nothing normal about any of this. Please cut your losses and get back on your feet. If you can help a guy build a company, you can absolutely build that and more for yourself. Time to start taking care of you as these 5 years have been a very harsh life lesson.

Dating is just dating - it's a time to judge whether this person you are dating is in fact right for you and that can take time. Instead, you uprooted your life and jumped in as if you are already married and promptly took on wife duties without the legal protections of a wife. When you are just a bf/gf, there is no "us", OP. It's him and his life/money/business/issues and you and your life/money/business/issues.

Don't ever make that mistake again of investing yourself like that for free and without any safety nets. Even as a wife, you need to be sure you have clear legal claims and shares in the company. As just a gf, IF you are going to help a guy build anything (really shouldn't mix business and pleasure) then treat it like you would treat any business partner - clear contracts, clearly spell out who does what, how payouts will work and so on. Get actual lawyers involved to hash that out. If he won't go for it, then step aside and take care of your own life and finances because again, you are not a team as such and there is no us there.

Basically, if you step up to be used as free labor, you will get used as such. You can expect gratitude until the cows come home and you'll get nothing. Anyway, gratitude won't pay your bills.

Stop doing things for him. Stop taking care of his family. Again, you are not his wife and it's not your business. Stop spending what money you have on him and them. Start saving up and leave and never do something like this again. Just because you are high on feeling like he is the one, doesn't mean he is the one - takes time to get to know that, not emotions.

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Shame on him.  He says you're an immigrant like it's a bad thing?  Way back in college, I mostly lived with Japanese exchange students.  Now, I usually go out of my way to try to talk to people from other countries, even if there's a language barrier......because immigrants must be smart, brave, and adventurous to live in another world, away from family, with a second language.

Like, life is hard enough in America and I was born here.  I try to imagine how hard it would be to do my taxes or my job in Russia or Brazil......people who can survive in other countries amaze me and always have.

Fortunately, you have skills.  And living near him is hurting your heart.

Trust yourself, and go explore and have fun independently.  You'll probably have to live in a smaller place at first, but I think your heart will feel happier and more free. 

I would say, build a team of friends who can help you sometimes......but ultimately depend on no one but yourself. People like you are rare. Most people will not give you as much loyalty and support as you have given them.  Hope to find someone with a big and true heart, but always be ready to save yourself. 

Sadly, my mom is near the end of her life.  I'm fighting to keep her out of a nursing home, but no one wants her now.  Except me, and I live 3,000 miles away.  Both husbands left her with nothing.  My husband is not doing much to help. In fact, he tries to stop me from spending money to help her.

If I could start my life again, I would have gotten way richer way younger.  I would have built the power to do what I wanted....without needing permission from anyone.

First, get power. Then, you can try to find love.

 

Edited by ReadTreadRedemption
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