ReadTreadRedemption

I think that when couples plan trips separately that can be a sign of trouble, but not necessarily. That's kind of the question I came here to ask, actually. In my case, I have a desire to go do stuff sometimes (not forever, but sometimes), with no one--not even my husband--telling me what to do. And sometimes my husband will go fishing for weeks with his buddies while I have to stay home at work (which is fine). If time and cash allowed, I can think of a lot of stuff I'd want to do that wouldn't be interesting to my husband: NOLS courses, dog training classes, live podcast comedy shows, or speaking events by authors I like. If I had the chance, I'd want to go even if I had to go alone. Although, if couples almost never want to share meaningful experiences together, that's almost always indicative of alientation and detachment.

Thank you for writing to me! I can see why you're a Platinum member--you are a good thinker. There's wisdom in that signature line in the bottom, about leaving problems alone. I need to write that down. I also want the line "I intend to be loud and goofy at any time XD!" printed on a t-shirt or a sticker label on my chest, as disclaimer XD! Should probably get one for the puppy too.... =^__^=

Help y'all! I've been married for 1.5 years (dated husband a couple years before that). I'm 37 but was single for many years as a naturalist and park ranger. It's hard to maintain relationships when you're moving every 6 months, but eventually I met someone hoped I could adventure with. Apparently, it's not that simple. My husband works in those woods. He doesn't explore them since it feels like the workplace to him. So his concept of a day trip is driving out 4-6 hours to spend time and cash somewhere new (which isn't always practical). I have been cooped up since 2018. I work at an office 1 mile from home. From 2018-2021, I had no car. Now that I have a car, my husband doesn't like me to drive unless necessary to save gas. He has a good point. It is costing us $thousands$ to care for my elderly mom. We really do need to watch our dimes. Housekeeping stresses him out, as do other factors in our lives. So it's hard for him to control the impulse to complain about cash, life, or me (I'm a tomboy and I got cellulite over the past few years)....so it was almost a relief when he'd zone out with a sports game or his friends while I got the house under control. Since about 2015, I've also needed to perform 6 weeks-4 months of caregiving for my profoundly disabled mom (who is a hoarder). You putter around in sweatpants for weeks or months cooking, serving, organizing, maybe calling 911, and if you're lucky you can sit down for a movie about people living the lives you're missing. While watching your reflection age. My husband isn't all wrong about watching our finances. Thus..........to lift my spirits....I don't want to shop, drink, eat out, or travel far. I want to drive 15-30 minutes to camp with our dog and live like the opposite of domestic creature: walk, nap, roast beans and tortillas, teach the dog to swim, observe other animals, stay up late, and play with sticks. I would bring my husband with me, except he's bored of our mountains. And he kind of micromanages me and gets annoyed when I'm goofy. I have depression, but you'd never know it when I'm with our dog; we are loud, silly, and rambunctious. Trust me--there is nothing "cool" or "sexy" when I'm baby-talking our lab mix and cheering like a maniac because he did a training trick. Some people are annoyed by excessive perkiness. My husband is one of those people. Most of time, excessive perkiness is not a problem I have. But I need to experience that occasionally to stay sane. I've told him I want to camp out a few times, but he feels rejected or like I'm dissing him. I'm not dissing him. It's not a punishment. Surely he can't love being married to a depressed person who has nothing to share. I was cool when we met. Now I'm a Stepford Wife. I don't want to be alone in the woods forever. Just 24-48 hours to be myself again. And to be more mentally/physically fit, which he'd probably enjoy too. And I think he'd admire, respect me more if I had a life of my own. There is more to me than checking emails and soaking baking pans. At least, I think there still is. And I'd like to save that part of myself before it's snuffled out completely.

You don't love him, and that's okay! You like him, and you care about his wellbeing very deeply, but it's not love. When we love someone, we might fantasize about running off for a little while, but imagining life without the totally would be a terrifying thought. The post says he can't live alone, but he has his mother. And he probably has other supports. I'd wager that someone whose life depends on his dating situation probably doesn't love his girlfriends either, necessarily. He may be drawn to women more for his emotional survival than to admire who they are and to a desire to be their rock for life (<-that's love). But it sounds like you're seriously considering giving up on the joy this world has to offer to become an emotional feeding tube for someone (who, from what I can tell) isn't do anything to fight for his own happiness--or yours--other than depending on his Mom and girlfriends. People with depression, anxiety, OCD, whatever--we have to fight for our right to party. We have to fight harder than most. It's not fair. And yeah, he need a support network. Everyone does. But people who completely outsource their will to live to other people are not bein kind to those people. I wonder....is he in counseling, considering meds, exercising, helping his mom, trying to find his purpose by volunteering to help his family or the world at large? Is he doing anything other than latching on to nurturing women. If he's not, that could help explain his failure to thrive. And it's evidence he doesn't care so much about your happiness, especially if he knows you're miserable. Think about that before summer rolls around and you have the chance to get out and live <3.

You're not crazy, and you're not wrong. And if your spider-senses were tingling about the video you saw (maybe something about it seemed like she was trying to make herself look attractive and fun to someone?), then I don't blame you. People will have other opinions and yell at us both, but a person's health, marriage, and family are probably the three things that determine happiness the most. Someday, she could be the person who picks our your nursing home, so you need to know who she is. A little bit of surface-level snooping is worth it to try to verify that. I'm not cheating, but sometimes I wish husband would see my Google searches. Maybe he'd believe how much damage being married to him has caused and see that I'm reading and researching and trying to stop it. I think people turn to internet searches and their library when they feel/think/know that trying to solve the problem with their spouse will make it worse. Whether she's right or not, she already believes that the relationship she has with you is toxic. I don't know if she's cheated yet, but she's almost certainly thinking about it. If you want to stop and affair from happening, marriage counseling is the way to go. That's because you both need to express to each other what has been gone wrong. And you both need to believe or at least care about the other person's experience (even if you don't think they should feel that way). That is really hard to do without a trained referee. A counselor can help you not tear each other to bits, while reminding you to be truly curious and willing to resolve problems that will sound offensive, invalid, painful, and insulting to your ears. A counselor can remind you that the intention of sharing this pain isn't to punish (at least it shouldn't be) but to repair and resolve.🌤️

First, you are completely justified in being miserable. It sounds like you don't really have a life partner; this relationship is more similar to a parent-child relationship. Or, he is like a beautiful, exotic pet. That doesn't mean it's a worthless relationship or that it isn't love, but it is not a partnership. Or at least, it's not anything close to an equal partnership. I hope I'm reassuring you when I say that kindness is a big one. So is someone who will help you when you're in big trouble. Those two things....well, the truth is that worldwide....women are expected to be the true leaders of a house. In most marriages, it's the woman who handles 90% of the household's modern survival. We get none of the credit, just most of the work. If you separated and found someone else....there's a large chance you'd end up doing it all over again. Also, a lot of husbands are cold and won't come running when you're sick, stuck, or need them. It's just too inconvenient for them. That's the reality of the dating pool, I'm afraid. It's true that you can't make him remember to help with the household or invest in his career. And it's hard because if you don't save him, you'll both end up eating beans and rice with the power turned off. That sounds crazy, but you can let that happen. Natural consequences are the best teachers, and often our only hope. Tell him about your fears of the future. I'm watching my disabled mom in the last years of her life because she wasn't prepared for old age. It is bad. You can't make him earn more, but you can always save. Extreme saving is a way of life for many rednecks (myself included), and it's the only way I survived my 20s with paychecks as small as your husband's. But you are going to be saving for two people. So spend your cash on beans, rice, eggs, milk, sweet potatoes, and toilet paper. Put the rest in savings. Give him a list of easy tasks (pay the electric bill, take out the trash, wash the dishes). If he doesn't do it, the lights go off. No sports games, no video games. If he doesn't take out the trash, he can suffer the smell. That might be a good time for you to go to the garden store to buy tomato/herb seeds (<-this isn't sarcasm, I'm serious.) If he doesn't wash the dishes, he can stare at the mess and eat off his hands. When his quality of life drops, he might think about ways of changing. It would be nice if he would do it for you, but to him, you seem like Superwoman. He can't imagine someone suffering so much AND achieving that much. He probably thinks that if you were suffering that much, you couldn't do it. But this can't go on forever, especially if you need to start working for the future (trust me), you do. Letting him fail, mess things up, and facing the consequences of his mistakes alongside him won't be fun. But a week of Hamburger Helper and a few days without internet couldn't be worse than the anguish you're in now. You can suffer alone without hopes of things getting better. Or, you can suffer together with hope of him learning. If he gets mad at you for "dropping the ball"--tell the truth. Tell him you're investing more in the future, burnt out over 12 years of fighting alone, and would rather eat peanut butter and jelly (while still loving him), then do all the work and resent him for another day. You can tell him it seems crazy on the outside, but it isn't as miserable and crazy as you've been on the inside. And encourage him to daydream about what you could achieve if he meets you halfway. Besides, you're the one with the cash. You can afford to hide a flashlight and Italian takeout while he's searching in the dark for the Instant Ramen😅 It sounds harsh, but I'm telling you this for his sake and yours! I'd hate to see him broke and divorced. And I'd hate to see you waste your youth only to end up like my mom. Truly. I've scrounged for beans myself. Poverty taught me. It won't kill him.

Shame on him. He says you're an immigrant like it's a bad thing? Way back in college, I mostly lived with Japanese exchange students. Now, I usually go out of my way to try to talk to people from other countries, even if there's a language barrier......because immigrants must be smart, brave, and adventurous to live in another world, away from family, with a second language. Like, life is hard enough in America and I was born here. I try to imagine how hard it would be to do my taxes or my job in Russia or Brazil......people who can survive in other countries amaze me and always have. Fortunately, you have skills. And living near him is hurting your heart. Trust yourself, and go explore and have fun independently. You'll probably have to live in a smaller place at first, but I think your heart will feel happier and more free. I would say, build a team of friends who can help you sometimes......but ultimately depend on no one but yourself. People like you are rare. Most people will not give you as much loyalty and support as you have given them. Hope to find someone with a big and true heart, but always be ready to save yourself. Sadly, my mom is near the end of her life. I'm fighting to keep her out of a nursing home, but no one wants her now. Except me, and I live 3,000 miles away. Both husbands left her with nothing. My husband is not doing much to help. In fact, he tries to stop me from spending money to help her. If I could start my life again, I would have gotten way richer way younger. I would have built the power to do what I wanted....without needing permission from anyone. First, get power. Then, you can try to find love.

Hi Alice, So strange, I logged on because my question is I have a camping related question too. I'm not sure how to tell my husband I want to try doing solo trips (just me and the dog). And that's hard enough. In your case, I think your instincts are spot-on. I think she's saying she's not interested in a former potential 'soulmate' because she doesn't know if the other girl likes her back. She's trying to keep you as a back-up, but is hoping she and the other girl have a connection on this trip. Btws, it bites to hear that you are the 'back-up', but try not to let it bother you. It's not any proof that the other girl is better than you. It means the other girl is a "shinier object" right now, but don't take that to mean she's better. Lots of folks make that mistake. And, just for argument's sake....let's say there was a person who believed it was reasonable to commit to a partner, then ban them from a camping trip with someone they once described as a "potential soulmate." I'm married. My husband trusts. I trust me. But I wouldn't ban my husband from a camping trip between me and a male friend without knowing it would rupture any savvy person's trust. And the anyone who would demonstrate such suspicious behavior while expecting you to just magically be okay with it either (A) doesn't have much emotional intelligence or any idea how foster trust in a relationship with a discerning person or (B) doesn't care if it does break your faith in her, because she doesn't prioritize you. Again, don't take it personally. But my advice is to end it and be #1 to someone else. You can even tell her that from the outside, you can perceive what she needs. If you want, you can give her your blessing to pursue her heart's desire. At worst, she's an exploitive manipulator. At best, she is young and seriously lost. Give her a French press (<-essential for camping) and encourage her to find the truth of where she stands with this girl. Do it as a favor to her, then go find your own path. PS. I wholeheartedly encourage you not to be waiting if she comes out of the woods single, however.

I didn't even try to have sex until I was married, in my mid-30s. Watching out for your own mental/emotional wellbeing is good for you (and that's good enough!). It's also good for all your relationships. Pushing ahead and doing something you're not happy with or that isn't a confident choice may seem like it's a gift to him or a boost to the relationship, but the anxiety, resentment, regret, etc. that follows eats a way at a relationship far worse and far longer than sex can compensate for. Don't sweat it, don't feel guilty. If he's making you feel guilty or pressured, he might not be a cruel monster but it does indicate that he's letting his greed get the best of him (and that he's not mature or wise enough to know the importance of protecting the wellbeing of the people loves, even if it's not exactly what he wants.)