Confused about BF

[Cosmic83]

So my bf has told me before he wasn’t happy so I asked the other evening if he was still unhappy, he said he didn’t know. Then of course I asked do you still want this (talking about us) he said I don’t know. Been together a year now and that really hurt a lot. So I then said why are you even here still. He went on and said I do love you and care for you a lot but not sure if I’m head over heels for you or see a future with you. I’m torn on what to do, do I wait around for him to make up his mind? We have our ups and downs just like everyone else but we always work it out.

He’s 32 and I’m 38. His longest relationship was 6 yrs. Mine was 10/married. I can feel he loves me and actions prove it also. I told him this isn’t fair to me though, waiting for him to make up his mind. He said I don’t wanna break this up and then realize days/months/years that I messed up. I feel like I’m being stupid for waiting but he’s my person even though I may not be his. And yes I talked about that also..

[smackie9]

The only thing I can suggest is separate. It will give him time to really feel if he wants to be with you or not.

[Batya33]

He doesn't get to have you wait around while he's unsure because he "might" regret it later.  I would tell him you care for him and you only want to be with him if he feels reasonably sure and excited to be with you for the long term.  I agree with separating -no contact at all other than a truly life/death matter.  You two can agree not to date anyone else or try to for that time -at least a few months.  Then you can see how you each feel after that time.  If he hesitates as far as not trying to date others then I wouldn't bother with his plan to comparison shop and I'd just end it.  I'm sorry you're upset and I guess silver lining is you won't invest even more time in a dead end relationship.

[Kwothe28]

He is not a kid, at 32 he must know if he likes somebody enough to commit or not. I am sorry, but if he says that he doesnt see a future there, he just doesnt see the future there. Why does he stay? Well, some people are afraid to be alone. Better to at least have somebody then to be alone, searching and maybe not finding something more suitable. His "what if I regret" suggests that too. As you dont want to be "somebody" but "the one", and unless you want to settle to somebody who just doesnt love you enough to commit fully and will always wonder if its something better out there, I would suggest just letting him go. He needs to see a future there and be commited to that. He clearly doesnt. 

[Andrina]

After a whole year with someone, if he wasn't 100 percent confident in a future with me, I'd be one to let him go.

Usually people determine the spark when they meet, and then see over time if they match in all the major ways. If the spark has waned for him, then he was high on a new relationship, but then everything combined wasn't enough for sustenance. Or maybe, the spark was never strong and he convinced himself to try longer because he saw you are a wonderful person.

IMO, you'd do yourself a disservice if you don't hold out for the guy who is crazy about you and stays the course.

[Lambert]

Aww. I'm so sorry.  this must be so painful.

but....

Staying with this guy will be a big mistake.

Your self esteem/self worth are in need of some serious attention.  Therapy, self help books, working on your relationship with yourself. 

When someone does this, you leave them. There is no question. 

[Rose Mosse]

Do you live together? 

What are the “ups and downs” (or arguments) about? 

When someone says they don’t see or aren’t sure they see a future with you it’s not good. When I’ve said this in the past I’ve said it without any doubt and to ensure that there’s no turning around or chance for reconciliation (I don’t want any misunderstandings about how mismatched we are). 

Likewise, if I were to see that same hesitancy in a fraction of a way from someone else I know what that means. 

Value your time a little more on this earth. You don’t need to be around an individual who isn’t sure about you. Waiting around for a different answer is a form of denial.

[melancholy123]

You should never wait for anyone to make up their mind about you.  I agree with separating so he can figure out what he wants.  Dont put your life on hold for a guy.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Cosmic83 said:

He went on and said I do love you and care for you a lot but not sure if I’m head over heels for you or see a future with you. 

He’s 32 and I’m 38. 

Sorry this happened. End it. Who needs this indifference?

He's just stringing you along. The sooner you dump him, the sooner you'll be free to meet and date men who respect you.