My boyfriends mum is possessive and has no boundaries

[Lu30]

Hi all, please bare with me this might be a long post...

My boyfriend of 2 years and i live together and have a great relationship. His mum however is an absolute nightmare. 

In my opinion she wasnt the greatest mum when he was growing up for various reasons, for example she drinks alot and when my boyfriend was 19 she made him sleep on the streets because he lost his house and she didnt want him staying with her until he got another place to stay. She regularly gets drunk and verbally abuses him and makes him feel guilty when he doesnt bend to her will, calling him a terrible son, accusing him of not loving her, saying she will cut him off and never speak to him again and calls him explicit names - this happens when he doesnt return her calls fast enough or if hes too busy to run her errands. 

Lately shes took a disliking to me - even though i go out of my way to help her and run her errands. Ive always been nice to her but have recently found out that shes been telling lies to the rest of the family to turn them against me (this came out at their family dinner when his siblings started accusing me of things ive never ever done, only to find out his mum had told them i had).

Recently shes started expecting my boyfriend to give her money. She will call him several times a day and he will drop whatever hes doing to go to the shop and buy her groceries. If he doesnt do these things straight away shell call him every 5 minutes and give abuse until he does. She also expects us to be her personal taxi service, demanding we drop everything and drive her places. She asked us to bring her to a shop a few weeks ago and asked my boyfriend to buy her a pretty expensive radio which he did, then called him a few days later and verbally abused him because he hadnt also offered to buy her a christmas tree for her house. More recently we took her to dinner and drinks and she didnt even bring money, she expected him to pay for her. She never offers to pay him back. This makes me so angry - We're trying to save for our own home and we're talking about children in the next few years. 

We couldnt even spend christmas day together because his mum wanted him to spend christmas with her, saying that she'll spend it alone and depressed if he didnt spend it with her.

The issue is she guilt trips my boyfriend - she spends her money on alcohol then tells my boyfriend shes starving and cant afford food which isnt true. She doesn't leave the house then tells my boyfriend he needs to call her every day because shes lonely, and buy her radios etc to 'give her some company in her quiet house'. And he falls for the manipulation every time. He says he owes all of this to her because shes his mum. 

My boyfriend did call her out for trying to turn the family against me and tell lies, but she cried and said she'd done no such thing, that shes fond of me and i was making it all up? Now my boyfriend feels sorry for his mum and wants me to 'work things out' between me and her. 

I want my boyfriend to have an easy life - hes very close to his mum and all of this is really affecting him. but is it selfish of me to not want this toxic woman in my life? The lies she told about me were pretty bad and very hurtful, and instead of being accountable for her action and apologising shes acting the victim and trying to blame me. If i do try to work things out ive no doubt it will happen again. Any advice greatly welcome! 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

You are the girlfriend. So it’s none of your business unless she is specifically disrespectful to you. Then of course you can tell her yourself how you expect to be treated. Or keep your distance.  This is totally your boyfriend’s battle to fight.  I’d stay out of it other than if he tells you what he plans to do you can listen and validate.

 If you want him to be happy you’ll stay out of it.  If you can’t stay out of it then I’d consider whether - if nothing were to change- this is a life you want for yourself.
You are not his mom or therapist. It is not a situation I could live with.  Both his choices and her temper tantrums and demands. But he gets to choose how he wants to live with it.  So far he’s choosing to tolerate it and interact with her even when she harasses him or you.  But yes if she specifically harasses you then defend yourself of course. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Lu30 said:

My boyfriend of 2 years and i live together and have a great relationship. His mum however is an absolute nightmare. 

She will call him several times a day and he will drop whatever hes doing to go to the shop and buy her groceries.

Sorry this is happening. Is it your place, his place or do you co-own/co-lease? How long have you lived together? How old is he? Are you both working full time?

Unfortunately, your BF is the problem. He is enabling her and has no boundaries.

Stop doing her favors and buying into both of their manipulativeness. If he is spending money on her booze, make sure you are careful about your money and where it's going.

Ask him to move out if he is going to run to his alcoholic mother and enable her and spend household money on her booze.

This won't change. Stop being angry with her. You'll never have a happy life or family if you stay with this man. 

[smackie9]

If you take this very seriously, you and your BF need to go to an Al-Anon meeting and get some insight on how to handle his mom and her drinking problem. Hopefully it will open his eyes in how he is enabling her with helping her out, and maybe just maybe see if he can encourage her (haha) to deal with her drinking.

Usually with drinking, there are also mental health issues, so there is no easy fix for this, just lots of research, and counseling.

[Lu30]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Is it your place, his place or do you co-own/co-lease? How long have you lived together? How old is he? Are you both working full time?

Unfortunately, your BF is the problem. He is enabling her and has no boundaries.

Stop doing her favors and buying into both of their manipulativeness. If he is spending money on her booze, make sure you are careful about your money and where it's going.

Ask him to move out if he is going to run to his alcoholic mother and enable her and spend household money on her booze.

Its driving me crazy that he thinks he's responsible for her! He just keeps saying 'its my mum, shes the reason im alive'. I think he feels like he needs to please her, because when he was younger she put him into a childrens home for a few months (not sure why, i think she just 'couldnt cope' with being a single mum) so he has this weird subconscious need to please her and have her acceptance since she threw him away as a kid.

Id never make him choose between his mum and me, but if/when we have our own kids or get married i expect him to put his family first, not his mother. As harsh as it sounds, shes a grown woman and shes lonely and poor due to her own mistakes and choices, none of which my boyfriend is responsible for. 

It just makes me angry because she did nothing for him as a mother, yet thinks he owes her his money, his time, his life etc. I could honestly shake him sometimes because he doesnt see her for the minipulative, toxic woman she is!

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Lu30 said:

if/when we have our own kids or get married i expect him to put his family first, not his mother.

It's them against you. It always will be. You're just a pawn in these manipulators lives.

Your BF is the problem and your wrath is displaced on her.

You can't fix or change him. Keep in mind substance abuse and some mental illnesses run in families. 

Right now you're in this for the fight. You believe he'll change and you'll be the one to heal and fix him.

However you are signing up for a life of misery because you are making excuses for him like he makes excuses for his mother.

[Andrina]

33 minutes ago, Lu30 said:

but if/when we have our own kids or get married i expect him to put his family first, not his mother.

His lack of boundaries with his mother makes for a regularly unsatisfying life for you. Please don't make the mistake of hoping for change as in the above quote. What you see is what you get, and you'd be extremely naive to think he will change in a major way, no matter the changed circumstances of marriage and children.

If you had to deal with this like once a year, if she was long distance etc. and visited briefly, I'd say it'd be doable. But these are daily/weekly/non-stop occurrences. I don't care how kind he is to you, or how good looking and all his other good traits. His negatives should be a dealbreaker for any woman with self-worth. Don't sacrifice your happiness for someone who is a Mama's boy. Even as a teen, I was smart enough to dump one of them, knowing what a miserable life I would have with his Mommy calling all the shots and overriding my opinion.

[boltnrun]

This is how your life will be.  Forever.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to change.  The reason why doesn't matter.  Fact is, he gets something out of coddling his mother, something that he's willing to risk his relationship with you in order to get.

And no, a magic formula that will make his mother stop asking him for things doesn't exist.

Think about 40 to 50 years more of this.  How does that make you feel?  If the answer is "not good", you have a big decision to make. 

[Blue_Skirt]

1 hour ago, Lu30 said:

Id never make him choose between his mum and me, but if/when we have our own kids or get married i expect him to put his family first, not his mother.

 

I doubt he will ever change. Don't be in a relationship and try to "fix" him, because this is how he is. So it is up to you to decide whether this is what you want in your life, but please do not bring a child into this toxic mix.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Lu30 said:

Id never make him choose between his mum and me, but if/when we have our own kids or get married i expect him to put his family first, not his mother. As harsh as it sounds, shes a grown woman and shes lonely and poor due to her own mistakes and choices, none of which my boyfriend is responsible for. 

She is his family too.  She will be the grandparent if you get married and/or have a child.  You're not going to win this battle.  Either accept his mother and how your boyfriend chooses to deal with her or not.  You are the absolute wrong person to make him "see".

[tattoobunnie]

This is life with dating a kid who's mom is a giant narcissist.  I am married to someone who's mom is one.  And, she's gone as far as stalking for years, to telling people we're in a cult, to I trapped him with getting pregnant even though we were already engaged and had a date set.  To sending 3000 words texts each day to endless 4 minute phone messages several times of day.  I just stopped enabling her after she sent me 11 threatening messages in a row because we didn't help her move her hoard of items during a hurricane.  

After that, my hubs also learned to stop enabling her too.  I haven't seen or spoken to her or communicated with her in over 10 years.  And he fully supports this.  And hasn't spoken to her/seen her in a few years as well.  And that is the major difference...either he can see how abusive she is, or learn to see how abusive she is, or he can't.  I had gone the kill her with kindness route, but her craziness outshined it to the point, I flat out don't have to.  She wants to win her son over you, so she's pulling all the stops.  The choice is yours.  Does he choose you and have your back no matter what?  

Or just he justify everything she demands?  

[Rose Mosse]

You've known about his family dynamics for awhile so rethink the relationship entirely. 

You know what they are like but it doesn't mean that you need to live their reality. You are free to walk. I suggest you do so and don't look back. It may be hard to let go of the relationship at first but I think living this kind of life in anger and frustration is far more difficult and detrimental to your health.

[Capricorn3]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's them against you. It always will be. You're just a pawn in these manipulators lives.

Your BF is the problem and your wrath is displaced on her.

You can't fix or change him. Keep in mind substance abuse and some mental illnesses run in families. 

Right now you're in this for the fight. You believe he'll change and you'll be the one to heal and fix him.

However you are signing up for a life of misery because you are making excuses for him like he makes excuses for his mother.

^ This entire post sums it up perfectly. Totally nailed it. OP, the writing is on the wall and loaded with red flags all over the place.  You should take heed.

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Lu30 said:

if/when we have our own kids or get married i expect him to put his family first, not his mother.

Not going to happen. You'd be wise to adjust your expectations to 'what you see is what you get.'

BF is not going change. He demonstrates that every time he defends her to you or jumps for her and defends THAT to you.

If you intend to stay with this guy, your most viable strategy is to outlive her, because she'll only get worse, not better, and unfortunately, so will BF.

Decide whether this is how you want to live.

[melancholy123]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's them against you. It always will be. You're just a pawn in these manipulators lives.

Your BF is the problem and your wrath is displaced on her.

You can't fix or change him. Keep in mind substance abuse and some mental illnesses run in families. 

Right now you're in this for the fight. You believe he'll change and you'll be the one to heal and fix him.

However you are signing up for a life of misery because you are making excuses for him like he makes excuses for his mother.

This ^^^^. Your life will remain hell as long as you are with this guy who won't help himself to get away from mom or stand up to her.