Today I’m the box of nitro

[1a1a]

I was suppose to have lunch with my nana and mum today and I ran late, so late, like going to see them for 20 minutes before they have to leave late. After driving 50 minutes to where they are. 
 

I knew at the start of the trip it would be a long drive for a short visit but I still felt the pressure of being late and the length of the journey. And one of the reasons I ran late is because I was trying to get stuff of life stuff done around the house because when I get back from these trips I’m too tired and it just never happens and then I have work and it still never happens and my life is disordered chaos and it’s totally overwhelming. 
 

I’ve reached the shopping centre and I’m looking for the cafe, is it up the escalator? Two slow people are patiently riding up it and I slip past them (or push? I hope they didn’t feel pushed but they might of). At the top I see no cafe and I about turn and go back down, my 20 minutes is ebbing away by the second. 
 

Half way down is a guy blocking the whole escalator by the way he’s standing. I say some variation on may I pass (with an excuse me? Without? I don’t know, I don’t remember, it doesn’t matter. Everyone understands the social contract, someone asks if they can pass it’s not really a question, it’s a direction to move out of the way). This guy says no! I can’t believe my ears, who does he think he is? I duck underneath his arm and push past him. 
 

He’s saying something, I’m off the escalator and looking back screaming at him that he’s a jerk. Whatever I was feeling before, stress probably, I’m now upset and the feeling is intensifing. By the time I reach the cafe I’m Really upset. Last year when those two bogans stalked me through a mall to assault me and the woman punched me in the face, suddenly I think I know how she felt. I’m so upset by this guy I wish I could do the same. I couldn’t shake it off. Turns out my aunt was there too today, and her and my mum are both social workers. My mum says ‘he’s probably had a lot of trauma in his life’ (1a1a cannot run compassionate kindness.exe) my aunt says ‘this reaction is exactly what he wants. You have the capacity to take back control. Take control of this’ (1a1a cannot run perspectiveshift.exe).

 

Today I’m the box of nitro and all it took was one denied request to pass (where having to wait would have cost me seconds at best and I exploded, or imploded. That oxygen thief has gone about his day and It’s now half an hour later and my family have left for their appointment and I’m hiding in the toilets crying (trying to process this feeling I guess).

 

I feel like I Want to explode, and smash stuff, especially him, but anything, after that interaction I feel very stabby) (although past experiences with breaking things as a means to release that feeling suggest it is a completely ineffective method and I will just feel bad about breaking the thing 

[catfeeder]

I'd ask myself, if the guy had been balancing on the step with a walker or cane, would I have still insisted that he destabilize himself to let me pass?

How can I know whether someone on an escalator is in pain or strong enough on their feet or in their vision to maneuver without risk--just because I've opted not to control my own impulses to possibly cause harm to another on a notoriously dangerous machine?

Or, I'd try this: The people in front of me on an escalator have just as much right to be there as I do, and unless I'm willing to drop my self-centeredness for long enough to ride the thing with others safely, then I present a danger to us all, and I really have a LESSER right than they do to be there.

This is the kind of stuff I use on myself to step out of my own way and staaaap personalizing the world around me.

 

 

[1a1a]

A friend connected my reaction to this with being assaulted last year, maybe there’s unresolved feeling there. I suppose that makes sense, last time someone acted in a way that I perceived to be a breach of the social contract, shortly there after they ensured my nose was also broken. 
 

Catfeeder, are these thoughts you at some point practiced bringing to mind when about to navigate something where you would have to wait for other, slower people? (I like the perception shift and I’m wondering how you internalise/habitualise it….I think maybe sometimes I successfully do this when stuck behind slow cars) 
 

I think I would have to be god tier at that kind of thinking to not see this guy as being pure antagonism though. As much as he could have had a most excellent reason to stand on one side of the elevator and lean his entire body towards the other side as he rested his arm on the opposite hand rail, and absolutely no obligation to explain them to me, I think there are ways he could have communicated that wouldn’t have radiated ‘*** you, you will bend to my will today’.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

Catfeeder, are these thoughts you at some point practiced bringing to mind when about to navigate something where you would have to wait for other, slower people? (I like the perception shift and I’m wondering how you internalise/habitualise it….I think maybe sometimes I successfully do this when stuck behind slow cars) 

Yes. This is less about training myself back into civility when in a panic, and more about recognizing that not only does the rest of the world not 'owe' me any behaviors that would cater to my self-entitlement, but rather, my lack of checking self control can only put myself and those unfortunate enough to be around me in danger.

Panic is irrational and must be dealt with BEFORE a life-altering accident happens as a consequence. There is no justification for aggression while behind the wheel or toward other pedestrians while on foot.

It's a direct cause of criminal outcomes--whether by provocation or by accident.

So getting REAL about that rather than spinning and fuming to justify it is not just the mature and rational thing to do, it's the only way to stay out of eventual jail or bankruptcy. 

Quote

I think I would have to be god tier at that kind of thinking to not see this guy as being pure antagonism though. As much as he could have had a most excellent reason to stand on one side of the elevator and lean his entire body towards the other side as he rested his arm on the opposite hand rail, and absolutely no obligation to explain them to me, I think there are ways he could have communicated that wouldn’t have radiated ‘*** you, you will bend to my will today’.

I just took my elderly mother out to a mall today. As we approached an escalator, she froze and said, I can't step on that. 

Had I been holding onto my Mom during that ride while some self-entitled brat decided that a measly few seconds were more important than our safety, I can't say that I would have responded kindly, either.

Panic puts others at risk, and if you sense that they do not respond well to it, you may want to consider WHY--and sit with that for a while.

I can only promise you that you will thank yourself, sooner rather than later, for changing your lens on this issue.

That man did you a favor. Seize it.

[Wiseman2]

Try to organize your life a bit so anxiety doesn't take over and cause you to have a meltdown over minor incidences.

[Seraphim]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to organize your life a bit so anxiety doesn't take over and cause you to have a meltdown over minor incidences.

I have noticed this for a while about your life, you are reactive instead of proactive. Your life seems chaotic because there isn’t planning going into it. Try organizing yourself so you are not late and running and almost pushing people out of your way. Take the time to think how best to protect your belongings etc. I am not saying that these people have any right to attack you or steal  your things not at all. Just stop and think a bit, put more planning into what you are doing and your life will be less chaotic with less to react to . 

[Kwothe28]

This your song?

Also, I would more work on the reason why you have such a "short fuse". Is it work related problems? Personal? Maybe that theft you talked about or assault? Where you like that before or is it a new thing? Those are all the things you should maybe work on. As well as your reactions. For example is it possible for that fuse to be longer and maybe dies off before it explodes? For example I just say it within myself without being vocal about stuff like that if it annoys me. Some people use "Count to 10" technique. Other meditation. There is no need for a minor stuff like that to escalate like this. You are in control of your reactions so take that control back. 

[Lambert]

I found your post very stressful an chaotic. I can only imagine how stressful it actually was for you. 

I'm sorry you were assaulted in the past. Have you talked to a doctor or a professional about this? 

Why did you leave the house so late?

To do the household chores? 

You need to learn and practice time management skills. You also might want to consider prioritizing your activities for the time you have available. if you only had an hour before you had to leave to meet your family, then  you have to be realistic about what can be accomplished in that time.

Tackling too much is a problem and you saw today.  It had a domino effect. If you know you don't like to do chores on days you travel, then plan it accordingly.

You can't just hope there's more time.  Get a timer and be more realistic.

Running people down in the mall and creating chaos and drama is a problem. Maybe the guy blocked because he misunderstood your intent.

Part of life is acknowledging how you & your actions impact the world around you.  

We live a world where we are told if you see something, say something. 

You're not even sure if you pushed two people! This is not cool. 

[1a1a]

The thing I do regret is yelling at him. Not going past him though. No amount of devils advocating will undo the impression he gave me in that moment that his no was the No of a bully. And it is possible that was not the case I can’t rule that out but I was in the situation picking up on cues I can’t objectively relay in telling the story. 
 

The way it’s being reflected back here I reflexively want to defend, I didn’t push anyone with my hands. More of like a when you pass someone in close quarters and you can’t do so without brushing past them. Especially the jerk guy, I worried his spite would extend to actively restraining me and didn’t want to give him the chance to. I wouldn’t feel like someone who passed me this way had ‘pushed’ me but others might and I’m trying to be open minded to that. 
 

The fact that I think he was a jerk intentionally being a jerk doesn’t ultimately change the fact that I would like to never react like that again though so I will come back to this with a clear head and try and internalise what you’re all saying. 
 

I think my fuse is normally a lot longer, and when life collaborates to shorten it I’m in new territory I don’t know how to deal with it well. (And life has been throwing a deluge of fuse shortening things at me lately, housing instability, long hours at work, no social interaction, pressure pressure pressure). 
 

I thought I came away from that assault pretty unscathed mentally, surprisingly. I’d been watching a lot of violence in gangster and detective dramas and it felt like my brain placed it in that context. But after today clearly I was wrong and there is a wound there still. 

Left the house late because I’ve been here for a month, unpacked nothing, and I’m stuck on need shed, don’t have a shed, have to fix this. The pressure of wanting to form a relationship with my nana pressing up against the pressure to get on top of the house 😞

 

I have in the past prioritised the family bond forming and after work and that the house is a bomb site. There isn’t enough time for all three but really I hate living like this. 
 

Thank you all for taking the time to offer your perspectives. This year keeps trying to teach me lessons and all of them have been worth trying to learn and awfully painful  *grimace grin* 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

So - you created the situation by not being responsible and leaving early enough to arrive on time or at least within 5 minutes of the time barring an emergency.  You wouldn't have noticed Escalator Person if you'd been timely.  Or noticed but no meltdown.  It's not fair to subject others to your choice to be irresponsible about leaving on time.  I've been stuck so many many times waiting for people who are late with no good reason and it sucks.  Sometimes it's better if there are other people invited but it's still stressful -like at a restaurant which won't seat people in incomplete parties.  

I've been late because of emergencies or being stuck on a subway car with no power even though I left early.  Not many times.  It's still hard on the victim of my lateness.  

You have the tools to plan for not being triggered. 1.  Leave early for things not late.  You have a phone (which I didn't way back) so you can catch up on email or surf the web or whatever if you are extra early.  But you won't be stressed.  2. Plan in advance on how you will leave on time.  Get all your stuff ready to go. And the little last minute stuff -tissues, masks if needed, credit cards/cash whatever.  Put it near the door or in a place you know in advance.  Minimize the last minute scrambling around. 

And remember it's really selfish to prioritize chores over being on time.  Yes you'll have to do chores when you're exhausted or put it off till the next day.  Oh well.  If you can't manage don't make the plan and subject other people to your disrespectful lateness. 

I am one of those people who has been in really bad situations because of other peoples' lateness - missed flights, missed movies, freezing cold, soaking wet, screaming toddler, missed time to do work or get my chores done, panic because of worry about the late person.  Please don't do this to people unless it's a true emergency.  It's not ok.

Also people these days are not taking kindly to being called out - lots of road rage, assaults in public spaces - everyone is a bit more triggered.  You're lucky this didn't happen to you.  i'm sorry you were a crime victim of course!

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

I think my fuse is normally a lot longer, and when life collaborates to shorten it I’m in new territory I don’t know how to deal with it well. (And life has been throwing a deluge of fuse shortening things at me lately, housing instability, long hours at work, no social interaction, pressure pressure pressure)

Please don't blame life collaborating - take a tough love approach with yourself -life often collaborates. You control you reactions. You are responsible.  You choose to react to your anger and frustration.  Without that approach you'll keep justifying your reaction in some way.  

[1a1a]

As the sun sets on today what remains is that I have things to work on and I feel defeated and sad because trying to form some kind of a relationship with my nana already felt hard (and if I don’t try now there may not be the opportunity to later) and now I live much further away making it even harder. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, 1a1a said:

my 20 minutes is ebbing away by the second. 
 

Half way down is a guy blocking the whole escalator by the way he’s standing. I say some variation on may I pass. This guy says no! I can’t believe my ears, who does he think he is? I duck underneath his arm and push past him. 

Your last minute rush and running late is no reason to push and shove people or yell at people. What if he stumbled and was inured?  How rude.

Get a handle on your aggressive behaviors and be less 'kind to yourself' and kinder to others.

Your poor planning is no reason to expect other people to simply part the way as if you're God. Reflect on your chaos and entitlement. Do Not hurt other people by being angry and reckless and careless.

[1a1a]

I’m starting to think that Americans and Australians are not quite describing the same thing when they say pushed past someone 

[1a1a]

Also here was not the place to come for emotional support. At all

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

As the sun sets on today what remains is that I have things to work on and I feel defeated and sad because trying to form some kind of a relationship with my nana already felt hard (and if I don’t try now there may not be the opportunity to later) and now I live much further away making it even harder. 

So resolve instead of expending useless energy on beating yourself up take specific steps.  You should see my incredibly boring and incredibly helpful to do list on a post it note on my kitchen counter which I rely on daily so that we don't miss the school bus.  I do things in a neurotically, robotically specific order and my son knows not to disturb me when I first walk in from working out at around 6:50am.  If I am distracted or do things out of order I'm bound to forget things.  The list is my backup.  So far so good. 

I have things lined up in a specific place at the door, hanging on doorknobs in a specific way.  It's really the only way for me to make sure we have everything and are timely.  He also has his list of things he has to do to get ready which I prompt him with. It would be sooooo much easier for me to get my housework done or shower or have coffee(!!) and -oh well if we miss the bus we'd just wake up my husband who works late into the night to drive him in intense rush hour traffic to an intense car pool. 

Or wait for an uber that might not come and spend lots of $$. 

Adulting is a pain in the behind.  It's inconvenient and frustrating whether you have a child or not. But it's a have to not an option if you want to have any sort of job -parenting, outside work - or any sort of order to your life -there will be times you have to prioritize being on time so you can reduce stress to yourself and others, in part.  Yes, really rich people I guess who like to have lots of people around hire maids and drivers and professional organizers plus full time nannies and chefs.  I personally wouldn't want all those people around to manage -you couldn't pay me enough.  And you don't seem to have that sort of option either.  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Also here was not the place to come for emotional support. At all

I think you're receiving awesome emotional support to give you a reminder on emotional intelligence.  You mean well, you have it in you - right now you are struggling with it.  Shame on anyone who would give you "support" by justifying your lateness or how you treated that person.  I understand if he was assaulting you but you yourself said you overreacted -I'm just going on what you wrote. You're lucky he didn't injure you.

[DancingFool]

22 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

As the sun sets on today what remains is that I have things to work on and I feel defeated and sad because trying to form some kind of a relationship with my nana already felt hard (and if I don’t try now there may not be the opportunity to later) and now I live much further away making it even harder. 

Hard to bond when you arrive an emotional mess and completely frazzled.

On that note, being late has cost you jobs, work relationships, has lead to this situation now. This is not about some past trauma or any other excuses. You panicked because you were late. You were late because you prioritized clearing up your house over leaving on time. Btw, I get the guy was a jerk, but he whatever was up his arse isn't your problem. You are being your own problem here.

It's long past due for you to roll up your sleeves and start developing time management skills. Emphasis on skills, because they are learned.

When your life seems chaotic, time to sit down and start making a daily timed task list of exactly what you need to do and when and for how long. Be realistic about it and do include time to rest as well. Like literally, start with get up at x time. Show for x time. Breakfast x time. Leave for work x time. Return from work x time. Change and eat x time. Unpack one box x time. Yes, that detailed and live by it. Make yourself follow through and do it.

It won't be comfortable at first, but as it becomes more habitual, you'll find that your life is calmer, less chaotic, more organized and that you are happier and feel more energy overall....and....that you actually have more time on your hands than you realize.

The other thing that I'm noticing in your threads is that you seem to be constantly tired. Maybe time for a check up with a doctor and also check your diet and that you are eating enough proper food to give you energy rather than high/low sugar crash type diet.

[1a1a]

*googles ‘push past someone’* oh, that definition does imply a lot more force than anything that occurred today. In that case, I don’t know how to communicate it. I don’t think the takeaway lessons change though

*sees Batyas and dancing fools replies and is cogniscent of the time and patience invested and appreciates the heck out of it*
 

There’s support here, I know it. But it sometimes comes in bitter pills. 
 

I’ll try making lists and a detailed schedule (and probably time to get iron tested at least), can only improve from here. 

[Seraphim]

Let me just say we are all in our own head space . The day after my stepdad died two weeks ago I remember being really upset and distracted and missed my turning to the correct highway. I ended up in the middle of Toronto underneath the Gardiner  Expressway  which is a  hell zone. The Lakeshore is being worked on the Gardiner  expressway is being worked on construction everywhere jaywalkers all over the place. In  trying to get through a light I had to stop in a crosswalk. I was stuck in my own headspace extremely upset. Not only had my stepdad died now I’m lost in the middle of downtown Toronto. Someone very unkindly kicked my car and called me a ***. For a very split second I thought of hitting him with my car. Of course I didn’t . 
 

So you really have no idea why he didn’t want anyone brushing past him. Maybe he’s not stable. Maybe he had a crappy day. 
 

 

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

trying to form some kind of a relationship with my nana

Ever heard of self-sabotage.  You chose to be late.  Most likely to avoid the what if with your nana.

I get you want to get the chores done, but you already made plans in advanced to meet them, and you could have also done these chores any other time and day prior to that day.

Figure out why you are avoiding your nana.

[DancingFool]

43 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

*googles ‘push past someone’* oh, that definition does imply a lot more force than anything that occurred today. In that case, I don’t know how to communicate it. I don’t think the takeaway lessons change though

Nah I get that you more ducked under his arm rather than shove him or anything such. Also get that when you asked to move past, his attitude was eff you. Basically, you were in a bad place and likely so was he. 

I do think you are lucky that you both just exchanged some words and that was it and that he didn't escalate things into pushing or punching you or some such. Probably just like you are rethinking this, so is he.

I wouldn't waste too much more energy or thought on this other than realizing that when you are having a bad day, you shouldn't expect others to be in a good place and polite. Most will be, but there is always that one and you happened to cross paths this time. I'd let this go and focus on more practical stuff you can do to get your life under control so you can feel balanced.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

’ll try making lists and a detailed schedule

The great thing about lists and a schedule is there is no trying.  There's doing and  not doing -it's a concrete action you do -there is no trying.  I agree with getting checked out re fatigue/energy level

[boltnrun]

I recommend thinking about how your own choices are contributing to the chaos.  Leaving things until the last minute, leaving late, having a disorganized home, etc., all these things create more chaos.

Instead of looking at the chaos and thinking "No way, I can't deal with this!", tackle one step of one thing at a time.  If you believe you have to get everything done at once you will absolutely become overwhelmed and give up.

As the saying goes, "How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time."

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

*googles ‘push past someone’* oh, that definition does imply a lot more force than anything that occurred today.

Semantics. Justifying an entitled rude encounter. No it's not US vs UK vs AUS English aggressive is aggressive and that's precisely what this was.

Maybe he was unsteady, maybe this maybe that. It does not make getting up in someone's personal space in an aggressive manner appropriate.

Good he said no. Your chaos is not someone else's problem or emergency. Who are you to get in his space and pull that stunt possibly causing an accident.?