The girl I am dating doesn't want gift from me?

[kim905]

I am M(29) and I have been talking to F(30) for 2 months and been seeing her for more than a month now.

As you know, Christmas is coming up, so I thought about buying her a small gift like a candle (I didn't tell her).

So, I asked her if I could get her a gift for Christmas, but she told me: "Appreciate the thought, but I don't want you spending money. :)"

I find it weird, because I have been planning the dates and been paying for all of them. Also, I took her to see a symphony...so a small gift of $20 wouldn't be a big deal....

Does this mean she is no longer want to see me, because she doesn't want to be indebted or feel like she has to reciprocate?

Thank you in advance. 

[Batya33]

Some people don’t like receiving gifts and she may not have it in her budget to spend money on a gift for you. Why a candle ?  Does she love candles ?? I know it’s a typical gift but it’s the sort of thing people put in a closet somewhere like bath soaps or other giftie type items.  If she loves candles then sure. 

[kim905]

Well, she told me that scented candles relax her. 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, JJ262 said:

Well, she told me that scented candles relax her. 

Ok that’s nice.  So she does like them in particular.  Respect her wishes and don’t buy a gift. Maybe bake some cookies ?

[Andrina]

I'd be more concerned that after about 5 or 6 weeks, that you've been doing all the planning and paying. Even if a woman has a small budget, she should be doing some planning, and making some effort, like a lost-cost picnic in a park, or treating for ice-cream, or cooking you a meal. What's up with that?

[greendots]

3 hours ago, JJ262 said:

"Appreciate the thought, but I don't want you spending money. :)"

Was it a polite refusal, where she actually wouldn't mind receiving a gift but didn't want to outright say so? Or was it a kind yet straightforward  "please, don't gift me anything" answer? If it was the latter, I'd definitely respect her wishes.

As for the scented candle, why not have a romantic meal whilst lighting up that candle? It would be part of the ambiance, therefore it wouldn't be strictly a gift just for her. And she'd like how you remember that scented candles relax her. 🙂

 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, JJ262 said:

So, I asked her if I could get her a gift for Christmas, but she told me: "Appreciate the thought, but I don't want you spending money. :)"

 

Here is the thing, some people(especially women) will sometimes say they dont want a gift but they certanly wouldnt mind getting one. If you are in a relationship she probably expects at least something for Christmas. I mean maybe she just doesnt like Christmas and gifts, but from her answer I think she wouldnt mind getting one. Because its more in the lines of that she wants to appear modest but wouldnt mind one. Its nothing that big so I would still go for it. 

I would also advise to be cautious if its one sided. Gift or no gift, one sided effort means that she either expects you to plan and pay everything or just doesnt want to make an effort. Neither is really a good sign for a relationship.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, JJ262 said:

 she told me: "Appreciate the thought, but I don't want you spending money. :)"

Sounds like it's too soon to expect exchanging Christmas gifts. It's not about what gift or how much it costs.

She may view dating for 30 days as the time to get to know each other, not the time to be asked about exchanging gifts. 

When you ask it means you're trying to obligate someone into exchanging gifts. Had you just gotten it without rhetorical questions it wouldn't come off as manipulative as it did.

Some people view Christmas gift giving as reserved for close friends and family. It's that simple.

 

[maritalbliss86]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Some people don’t like receiving gifts and she may not have it in her budget to spend money on a gift for you. Why a candle ?  Does she love candles ?? I know it’s a typical gift but it’s the sort of thing people put in a closet somewhere like bath soaps or other giftie type items.  If she loves candles then sure. 

Agree with Batya. Some people don't like gifts. I don't like gifts... Not sure why lol. But I love giving gifts. 

Its probably best to take her at her word and believe her when she says she's rather you not spend money for one. 

If she gets angry later and is like, "how could you not get me a gift," you'll know you have a dramatic one you can't trust on your hands 😂😃👍

 

[smackie9]

She said no gift, then don't give her one. Maybe instead get her a Christmas bouquet of flowers. It's not really a gift gift. If you give her a gift, and she didn't get you one, you will have put her on the spot.

 

[kim905]

Thank you all for the feedback. I agree that the gift is too early. She hasn't even told me her "real name" as I already found out after our second date what her real name is. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, JJ262 said:

Thank you all for the feedback. I agree that the gift is too early. She hasn't even told me her "real name" as I already found out after our second date what her real name is. 

That's very strange.  Why?

[kim905]

She probably felt unsafe to do so on dating app. I get it though, I could be a creep or a serial killer. 

Other than that, she has been honest about her relationship past and her career. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, JJ262 said:

She probably felt unsafe to do so on dating app. I get it though, I could be a creep or a serial killer. 

Other than that, she has been honest about her relationship past and her career. 

What? After you met in person? Is she this protective over other aspects of her interactions with you?

[kim905]

When I asked when her birthday is, she said that's a personal question, hence didn't answer. 

[DancingFool]

The way it comes across to me is that you've been spending a lot on her in terms of dates/restaurants/symphony tickets and she is starting to feel uncomfortable or is worried that the gift may be something expensive that would leave her feeling like you are trying to buy her or simply unable to reciprocate on your level.

On that note, a candle is something small and a nice gesture that isn't over the top. So if you like, go ahead and give it to her, just don't make a big deal about it. Also, maybe give her some room to step up and reciprocate in terms of planning some dates on her budget while you step back a bit.

[kim905]

Funny thing is that she's a lawyer and I am an aircraft maintenance engineer, so she makes way more money than I do LOL

[DancingFool]

7 minutes ago, JJ262 said:

Funny thing is that she's a lawyer and I am an aircraft maintenance engineer, so she makes way more money than I do LOL

It doesn't matter. The point is that she is not feeling comfortable with how much you are spending or might spend and is letting you know that. When you do mention x-mas gifts, it can come across as you might be planning something over the top and she is telling you that it's too much too soon for her. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing, btw.

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, JJ262 said:

When I asked when her birthday is, she said that's a personal question, hence didn't answer. 

I think cumulatively she is not that into you and/or she is unstable in general given this level of secrecy.

[Coily]

Part of me is quoting Admiral Ackbar about "It's a Trap!"

It sounds like she is a very private and cautious person, so this may be too soon for exchanging something that she may view as intimate. Even if it's a $8 candle that might be too much.

That said if you already bought the candle, it could be given in a non-gifty way.

[Andrina]

Well-to-do people can be cheapskates. Is she one? Is she so boring or clueless she can't come up with an idea to suggest for an outing? Is she unaware couples need to give equal effort? I've always been the sort to operate in thirds. Sometimes I pay, and sometimes I suggest going dutch, besides him paying.

Don't let her hotness cloud red flags. Perhaps you want to avoid that issue since you didn't respond to those comments.

[kim905]

Hey Andrina, 

You're right. She's the only girl that has never offered to pay and I am expected to do all the planning, so I am on the fence. Also, she has been single for a very long time, which to me comes off as a yellow flag. 

[Andrina]

Time for you to stop making one-sided effort. It's her turn to ask you out. Wait it out. If she says something like: Well, are we doing something this weekend? I'd say: Can you plan this time? And if she happens to suggest something and then doesn't pull out her wallet, I'd say: Can we go dutch this time? (You could even say ahead of time: Your treat, or are we going dutch?)

By this point, if things don't improve, I'd have a discussion about equality in treating. Saying all this, when things like this have to be addressed, it doesn't bode well for a relationship. But it doesn't hurt to see if communication can fix a problem. After all, a person can't read minds.

[Spawn]

well sometimes you need to be you and not what they say you to do to be you....damn my English sometimes need a gift (fix) , hope you get it.

But I have observed people getting gifts happy but saying on face that they don't like it, sometimes they actually don't like it, still take it and do something weird with it lol

If you don't like her for who she is you need to move on

[kim905]

Thanks for that, Andriana. 

I will let her make the decision this weekend.