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He's sending mixed signals


JadeJudy
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He's only 18, @JadeJudy.

This boy is not going to be the big love of your life; he's too young and inexperienced for that. He's likely going to experience a few different relationships before he settles into one that goes the distance, and it's clear from his hot-cold behaviour that he doesn't see the same potential here that you do. 

He's out there to have some fun, not to be the emotional band-aid for whichever girl he's seeing. I would address your past hurt before you attempt dating, or you will likely continue to get overly attached too soon and subsequently get hurt again and again. 

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13 hours ago, JadeJudy said:

@Wiseman2 My niece is a year younger than him, but why does that matter?

It makes a huge difference. He should be dating girls your nieces age. The huge difference is if you're 20 he's too young for you. If you are in your 30s (your niece is 17?) It's just plain creepy.

 

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@SooSad33 You had a really nice response. Yes you're all right when you say I should resolve my problems first, but I feel like only now I see them. I understand I was being a bit closed off, which I had no reasons to do so, seeing he treated me well. I won't make the same mistake, I'm willing to fully go for it, because I feel he can be worth it.
Yes, what you say about pushing away, is what I'm afraid of. Maybe he IS telling the truth about being distant, and then I should show him I care about him. On the other hand, he may be lying not to hurt my feelings, in which case I should let him go. I always see the good in people so I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt and go with the 1st option, seeing as he doensn't reply dry. (which may be dumb) It's just, if I feel like he didn't like me anymore, I would back off. But I don't feel like it's totally over yet. 
And yes, communication is key! That's what I was trying to say, I don't like just cutting people off, I like to hear what they have to say. If he just tells me he doesn't see this going anywhere, I would be more happy to move on. I just don't know how to start such a conversation and if it will push him away even further. Or if I should just keep it cool and start a normal conversation, so we can bond again? Or should I just not send him anything and risk losing him? It's all so difficult hahaha, let me know if you have some advice. 

@MissCanuck yes, but can't we learn from each other? It's not like the age gap is soo big, my parents are even 10 years apart. I'm just not really a mature person haha, I tend to get along better with younger people, how weird that may seem.

 

 

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Don't expect consistency out of an 18 year old. They have the attention span of a nat. You were fun and interesting to him at first, but he got bored or he's scoping out other prospects and doesn't have any real interest in something serious. Don't go by what they say but go by their actions. He's not putting in effort. That should speak to you that this is no going to go anywhere.

Edited by smackie9
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28 minutes ago, JadeJudy said:

3 years, well actually 2,5 but yeah

Ok. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to 21-25 y/o men.

This boy was playing with Tonka trucks  just a few years ago. Leave him alone. Yes he's legally an adult but date men your own age.

Edited by Wiseman2
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On 11/20/2021 at 11:49 AM, boltnrun said:

In July you said you learned a lot from the last guy you got overly attached to without actually dating him.

Can you explain exactly what it is you learned from that, and how you're applying what you learned to this situation?

Quoting myself because I'm curious to know the answer to this.

What did you learn and what are you doing differently this time?

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1 hour ago, JadeJudy said:

3 years, well actually 2,5 but yeah

Think about it this way: 18 year olds frequently date other kids that are 15-18 years old.

Should a 20- or 21-year old be in the same market as a 15-year old?

Isn't that a bit of a downgrade for the 20-something?

Edited by Jibralta
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8 hours ago, JadeJudy said:

 

@MissCanuck yes, but can't we learn from each other? It's not like the age gap is soo big, my parents are even 10 years apart. I'm just not really a mature person haha, I tend to get along better with younger people, how weird that may seem.

I am in an age-gap relationship myself (my partner is older)

The issue here is not the years between you, but the age of both parties in question. He's a teenager who's barely experienced adult life. When both people are older and both have life experience under their belts, the age differences are generally not an issue. 

Expecting a solid commitment from someone at his age is not wise. But he seems to have largely lost interest so it's a rather moot point anyway. 

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My own private rule: never sleep first, then ask questions later.

This isn't some kind of moralistic rule, it's practical: Since I bond when I'm sexual, I need to get to know a guy long enough and well enough to learn where I stand with him and where I want him to stand with me BEFORE I get sexual with him.

Since 'casual' is not what I want, any guy who is not willing to get to know me as a human before getting sexual screens himself out as a bad match for me.

That's simple--not complicated.

You can keep pretzeling your mind 'around' the fact that this guy no longer responds as you wish, but that won't change the facts. You can't manipulate someone into wanting what he doesn't want.

He was quick to get sexual because he had nothing to lose--HE wasn't invested in going forward with you, so there was zero risk for him to offend you by trying to sleep with you early.

If you want to believe that you can manipulate the guy into wanting what he demo's that he doesn't want, then you re the one confusing your SELF. You can do that if you wish, it's not against the law, but it's not a great strategy for recognizing the truth and learning from it to make better choices going forward.

Head high, we all learn from living.

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