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Text Gone Wrong?


boozybunny83
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I was talking to a guy and we did two video calls because I said that would make me comfortable before meeting. Then he asked me out and I said yes and I added that I was thinking we could grab coffee and walk around (cause he knows I have some issues with covid). I don’t sit indoors during the winter too often. Like for example, I went out to an indoor restaurant recently for an event but I wore my mask most of the time except for when eating and drinking. So he knows about this and knows I have some fears during winter time of being indoors among lots of people. 

My plan was to have a more normal date on the second date but wanted to have a social distanced date for the first meeting so I could see if we have any sparks. If we have sparks in person, I’d feel like taking more risks to sit indoors more often in order to date him. So, I thought getting coffee and walking around would be a good idea to be social distanced a bit. Although, I didn’t tell him that I would be fine with sitting indoors after the first meeting though….I didn’t think I had to. But now I wonder if he decided that dating me would be difficult because of my covid fears? 

After I said the coffee/walking idea, his response was weird. He said he had something else in mind to do but ‘maybe’ we could do that. He said he’d get back to me later but didn’t. I decided not to respond to that text since he said he would try writing me later… I didn’t think that text warranted a response, but now I’m not sure if he was expecting me to write back something? And maybe since I didn’t write anything back, he took that as me not really wanting to go out with him?

Now it’s been 24hrs since I’ve heard anything and our date was supposed to be tomorrow… it’s now late almost 10pm so clearly he isn’t reaching out about our date. I also noticed he changed his online dating profile pic and bio and I’m pretty sure he did that yesterday probably after asking me out or after I responded with my coffee idea. At least he hasn’t unmatched me yet which is also weird actually… I’m not sure what I did to make him pull away so damn much and what happened in his man brain? Any ideas? 

Oh and to be clear, no he isn’t looking for hooks up or sex or anything like that. We talked at length about how he is looking for a serious relationship and wants to find the person he marries and has kids with. He also has been respectful and polite so I definitely don’t believe he was expecting sex and definitely don’t think that’s why he got weird…

Edited by boozybunny83
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If he said he would get back to you later and didn't- it could be that he lost interest, changed his mind,  or just isn't good at communicating? I wouldn't put too much weight into it. It's probably nothing you did or didn't do. Online dating is tough and I've found that more often than not conversation just fizzles out after awhile and people just don't know how to say that they aren't interested anymore. You could always just write back to see if he is still on for tomorrow- no harm in doing that. 

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14 minutes ago, yellowhibiscus said:

If he said he would get back to you later and didn't- it could be that he lost interest, changed his mind,  or just isn't good at communicating? I wouldn't put too much weight into it. It's probably nothing you did or didn't do. Online dating is tough and I've found that more often than not conversation just fizzles out after awhile and people just don't know how to say that they aren't interested anymore. You could always just write back to see if he is still on for tomorrow- no harm in doing that. 

Well that would make sense if he hadn’t asked me out the same day literally a few hours before lol. I definitely think something made him change his mind. It has to be the coffee walking date idea. I haven’t heard from him at all and it’s now so late at night so I feel embarrassed to write him and then him not respond to me. I also don’t think I should accept a date anymore based off his behavior of not solidifying plans or writing me again? 

Edited by boozybunny83
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2 minutes ago, boozybunny83 said:

Well that would make sense if he hadn’t asked me out the same day lol. I definitely think something made him change his mind. It has to be the coffee walking date idea. I haven’t heard from him at all and it’s not so late at night so I feel embarrassed to write him and then him not respond to me. I also don’t think I should accept a date anymore based off his behavior if not solidifying plans or writing me again? 

I agree- I would let it go and wait for someone who can respect your need to take things at a slow pace due to your apprehensions about dating during covid. Your feelings are valid and there will be someone else who will understand that AND will communicate better with you. 

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If he hasnt contact back to you(meaning that you already arranged the meeting like the place, time and everything when you talk) just assume he is not interested and that the date is not there. No need for contact. I am sorry, but that happens, especially at online dating.

As for why, eh, who knows? Your idea wasnt bad, I dont really thing he flacked because of that. Dont even think that looking for the real reason is neccessery. If they are interested they would show that and wont let it feezle out. If they are not, well, this happens. He showed some interest but at the end was flacky. If you are really looking for the reason, I would be more inclined to believe that, as it is online dating, he talks to multiple people. So that somebody else has his attention more. I am sorry, but that is "the curse" of online dating and choices in general. No matter if its going alright, people always think that they will maybe do better elsewhere.

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4 hours ago, boozybunny83 said:

 . He said he had something else in mind to do but ‘maybe’ we could do that. no he isn’t looking for hooks up or sex or anything like that. 

This is code for he wanted hookups.

Hopefully you didn't run this elaborate outline past him.

Strangers want simple explanations, without a CDC rundown of why you just want a coffee meet on the first meet.

"I want a serious relationship and marriage/kids one day" is meaningless drivel. 

The only important thing is to meet in a timely fashion for a brief coffee and decide if you want to date again.

Edited by Wiseman2
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People have some very opposing views on Covid.  He may have thought your viewpoint was going to be too much for him to handle.  If he wants to go places/do things without the person he's with restricting what can be done together, then you wouldn't be a good match for him and neither party is "wrong" for how they feel.

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He's not very flex able....next! When you have a guy that throws in that comment about having something else in mind....he's already being resentful. A great guy would just be agreeable like "OK sounds good! Looking forward to meeting you :)"

Edited by smackie9
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2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's not very flex able....next! When you have a guy that throws in that comment about having something else in mind....he's already being resentful. A great guy would just be agreeable like "OK sounds good! Looking forward to meeting you :)"

I agree! Maybe he thought your coffee idea was weird, but his reaction is a big red flag. Put this in perspective by comparing his reaction to your reaction:

10 hours ago, boozybunny83 said:

his response was weird. He said he had something else in mind to do but ‘maybe’ we could do that. He said he’d get back to me later but didn’t.... 

Now it’s been 24hrs since I’ve heard anything and our date was supposed to be tomorrow…

I also noticed he changed his online dating profile pic and bio and I’m pretty sure he did that yesterday probably after asking me out or after I responded with my coffee idea. At least he hasn’t unmatched me yet which is also weird actually… I’m not sure what I did to make him pull away so damn much and what happened in his man brain? Any ideas? 

You saw a lot of weirdness in his response, but you care to understand and clarify the problem.

His response to your weirdness shows no care or willingness to understand you. He also muddied the water by doing two contradictory things: Changing his profile picture suggest he wants to move on, while his cryptic 'I had something else in mind' provokes your natural inclination to understand and rectify problems in your relationships.

If you're not careful, you'll end up chasing this guy--which is the point of this behavior.

Also, for the love of god, don't be so sure about this:

10 hours ago, boozybunny83 said:

Oh and to be clear, no he isn’t looking for hooks up or sex or anything like that. We talked at length about how he is looking for a serious relationship and wants to find the person he marries and has kids with. He also has been respectful and polite so I definitely don’t believe he was expecting sex and definitely don’t think that’s why he got weird…

This is something that can only be proven through time and experience with a person, and by taking things slow. Have you ever heard of the concept of 'sweet talking?' It's actually a very subtle, insidious thing. It's nowhere near as obvious as what they show on TV and movies.

You're being very lazy if you take a stranger at his word!! Don't do that!!

Always remember that talk is cheap. The worst people in the world create a false sense of intimacy and are absolute geniuses at and convincing you that they are the best people in the world. And they'll tie you up with your own moral standards, so beware.

Go slow at your own pace. You were doing fine. Don't let this guy derail you from your natural instincts and comfort zone. Don't get ensnared by a false sense of intimacy.

 

 

Edited by Jibralta
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10 hours ago, boozybunny83 said:

Oh and to be clear, no he isn’t looking for hooks up or sex or anything like that. We talked at length about how he is looking for a serious relationship and wants to find the person he marries and has kids with. He also has been respectful and polite so I definitely don’t believe he was expecting sex and definitely don’t think that’s why he got weird…

 I once did years of OLD. As previously said, you can't take what a stranger says as fact. Don't be so naive. Have a wait and see attitude, if it even gets that far.

Trying to figure out why a stranger does what he does is pointless. You do you and if it doesn't pan out, there's a good reason.

The right person won't leave you hanging. He will put in the effort. He will treat you like the special person you are. Everyone else--be grateful they showed you who they are quickly so you don't waste your time.

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I think it may have been a mistake to insist on the two video calls because that's more like dating online - vs. using a website to make a first contact then meeting in person ASAP.  I do think though he ended up changing his mind about what he wanted out of a meeting with you -what he said is code for being indoors and hooking up.  So it's both.  I have had issues with certain friends since 2020 where we weren't on the same wavelength about covid - one stopped inviting my son and I to meet her son and her. 

As an aside, several years ago I was supposed to meet a new friend -platonic- who moved to my city from my old city- our mutual friend suggested we meet.  I am pretty sure one of the reasons she "lost interest" in seeing me again is that I was picky about where to meet -and that was because there was a recall right then on a certain popular herb.  I was already limited geographically in where I could meet her and she was fine with that but then she wanted this one restaurant where they happen to use that herb in almost everything.  Maybe I should have met her and not eaten but that would have been weird.  We met on the same block at an equally good place but I could tell she thought I was high maintenance with that request.  And that's ok. 

My point -who knows??  She and I are still Facebook friends and have Facebook level chats.  First impressions are tough -even in friendships -and dating -whether online or meeting first time in an in person setting - are even tougher!

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I would avoid spinning this into worry about why YOUR responses might not be right for someone else. View online screening as exactly that--screening out people who would NOT make a good match for YOU.

Meeting in public for a coffee to check one another out before investing in a more intimate date is a perfectly reasonable thing. Anyone who's not up for that is just not a good match for you--so they'll screen themselves out.

This isn't about pleasing everyone, it's about finding a GOOD match. So don't overthink yourself into a spin about people-pleasing for the masses. Target your wants and needs, and screen out anyone who does not align with those.

Allow bad matches to pass early. Have another one on deck to meet. Don't invest too much in anyone during this process, and allow simpatico with the RIGHT match to shake out for you.

Head high.

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