My Long distance boyfriend (16 months) is looking for a break from relationship, and he has hinted that it is because he is interested in his "friend" who is already in a relationship.

[cherry 22]

i don't know what to do. I'm lost. My bf went to LA for a concert, and since then , he has changed, and now he , said he doesn't believe he is ready for relationship, he gifted hert pendants to his "friend" and he loves her. 

I don't know how to cope with this...

Please help 😔😔😔😭😭😭😭

[Honeycomb8]

Break up. Don't hang in limbo when he's already left emotionally. 

[poorlittlefish]

Something happened at that concert and he's admitted he loves this other girl. What he means is that he's not ready for a relationship with you, because he's doing his best to have a relationship with her instead. Time to pack up your dignity and leave him to it. 

[MissCanuck]

It's time to break up. 

He's already out the door, and it's going to be too painful (and futile) for you to wait around hoping his feelings change.

I'm sorry, OP. This one is already done. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, cherry 22 said:

, he gifted hert pendants to his "friend" and he loves her. 

Sorry this happened. He's been cheating with this "friend".

Think about it. Who are you if she's his "best friend"? 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

He's a snake 🐍

[cherry 22]

Well. I don’t even know where to start.  But I’ll try

It all started off when My (long distance) BF "G" wanted to have a trip, to LA. And I was so genuinely happy for that, because , we all deserve a trip and recreation every once to have bit of a change.

I remember vaguely that G met a friend for dinner, and I didn’t know at all who this friend was. All I got to know eventually was that she’s a girl . Yup. My danger alarms start to ring(i am possessive) . We did have a bit of “discussion” on this.

And then, things got a bit messed up for him, with his car being damaged , and suddenly his grandma got really sick. I wanted to symphatize when I got to know, but we were going to talk after ages that day, and well. We really couldn’t do much (talking).

Anyways here came the LA trip. G had told me that, he’ll be meeting some friends “girls” and, yes, I had to be okay with it, or tried my best to be okay about it. We didn’t talk much during his trip. And well, he came back and , off and on, we rarely would talk, bcz of schedules.

1, November , 2021

We do a call, after long and, its so nice, he’s playful and sweet , and everything , its amazing as ever , or so I thought.

That evening I saw his insta account showing in the “people you may know” and I texted him , why didn't yu add me or you hid it, it has 33 followers and I don’t know about it and that.and….. well, lets share what he wrote to it , and my responses.

I didn't hide it. I sent you a request? Or I thought I did. Cause I told you about wanting to do a photography account.

I just thought you never accepted my request.  (Mon 6:59 PM)

 

I'm not feeling well today. Mentally at least. I keep having doubts about myself and how capable I am in helping you. I'm sorry. I'll try to be more positive, buti just...I dunno. Maybe I'm not meant for relationships. (Mon 7:47 PM   )

and then I rant a lot, because, I’m shocked. And numb, and crying, and numb.

And to that all he said.

Sorry, I'm not leaving. I'm just at work. I just need to think an focus. By leaving he means leaving me)

You didn't do anything love, I just feel like I get overwhelmed so easily and that I'm not fit for this. You're still important to me and I still care for you dearly. Just let me gather my thoughts today.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you or to bring this up suddenly. I was having a panic attack and just couldn't control myself. My leg won't stop hurting and I'm unfocused at work.

What do you mean "still important "...

You don't love me anymore?

And I understand... that  we can go through real tough times.. like u said you had a panic attack  ...

But never ever would I say something that means.... leaving you. G

Honey. I'm sorry.  I wish I were there... to hug you and make your leg pain and any other thing upsetting you go away.

But you literally tore me apart yesterday. To a point I was numb, after crying yesterday. 

Are you still not going to add me in your insta I'd?

Would you please explain what happened exactly.  

Do you still Love me?

 

To my rant, that’s what he said

 

This is kinda what overwhelms me, and it's not your fault, but every time something comes up, whether important to me or significant that's unforeseen, you bombard me with questions or messages everywhere, which then just adds to my anxiety when I need space and calm instead. I got messages from you all over which made me go crazy at work when I'm trying to focus and get through my day. I get that you're worried, but it doesn't help me at all, especially when it feels like you're more concerned about yourself and not me. I know that's not the reality of the situation, but it feels like that sometimes when I read your messages.

 

 When I don't reply immediately, you assume I'm ignoring you or off doing something else, instead of understanding I'm at work, or badly injured, or distracted, or driving, or something else. I never feel like you take that into consideration. Of course, I still love you, but I don't feel like being in a relationship has been beneficial to me, at least right now. It's so much to think about and to manage on top of everything else I do.

 

 I don't want you to take it the wrong way, it's nothing you did. You did nothing wrong. I just can't handle it sometimes and I'd rather say it this way than explode at you over something else. I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry for everything I've done and all the hurt I've caused, and I know I have caused a lot of hurt and it's clear that I still have a lot to work on. When you sent me all those messages this morning about IG, I felt attacked over something I thought I did, and it's like that every time. You're possessive, I get it, but it feels controlling, and that's not healthy in any relationship. You make assumptions about my friends and about what I'm doing or who I'm with. I have my life priorities as you do, but sometimes those things take precedence over each other because they have to at that moment, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you.

 

 I don't really know what I want to do right now, but I need time to think things through. I'm afraid that I won't be able to support you. I can barely support myself and I still have a child I have to raise even though he doesn't live with me all the time, I have to take care and provide for him until he's 18 years of age. I don't want to leave, but I also don't want to trap you in a situation that isn't favorable. I don't want to see you live a miserable life just to be with me. I think I need to think more on it. I need to find myself in all of this. There's just so much I didn't realize I was weak and fragile in.

 

And then I got like this: (warning! emotional breakdown ahead)

 

Alright 

So it's over right?

I am possessive,  I don't care for you, I'm unhealthy for you. And everything I did. Was a waste right? 

YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN G.

BECAUSE YOU TORE ME APART

 

YOU ALREADY TRAPPED ME LOVE.

YOU ALREAFY DID.

AND I PROMISE THAT i WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.

AND YOU WILL REGERET EVERY SECOND OF IT G. 

you were OK... talking about hersey kisses and everything about me , and then you break up with me the evening because I asked you to add me in your insta because I want to be a part of you.

From now own, G, I m dead to you. And you don't care whether I commit suicide or hurt myself or anything. 

YOU STAY HAPPY

BYE FOREVER G

(Mental breakdown ..).

Yesterday 7:19 AM

I only want to say one thing. If you need some time to.think things through, that'd alright. But can we have a call tomorrow,  to talk about this? Even if you want to... have space from me? I just need to know....  if there's still a chance at this ot it's over.

 

(after some sanity)

 

Babe.... I love you

 

,

Honey, can we talk today?

For a bit? I don't wanna guilt you in anything, I'm okay with as much space you might need from me. I am willing to improve myself further. To not bombard you with messages or anything.  But I can't live without you honey pie

I had a blackout in uni today, I couldn't sleep all night yesterday, my blood pressure got low today. My back hurts so bad. My day was terrible honey.... 

 

 

 

 

 

See, this is what I'm talking about, you didn't read what I said. It's not about Insta, it's not about anything you did, but you make it all about you. I open myself up and talk about my fears and vulnerabilities and you make it about all you've done and all you may do, and you assume things, like me leaving. You jump to these extremes and it scares me. I already have enough in my mind dealing with myself and I would have hoped your response would have been of support, but instead, you curse me and get mad at me, telling me I'll regret it. Why would I want to share any of my thoughts and emotions with you if you'll make them about you in the end and what it makes you feel?

 

I said nothing about anything being a waste, that it was all for nothing. All I said was that I don't think I'm right for you, that I'm not the kind of person you need because I'm so full of doubt in myself and what I'm capable of. I was trying to talk and reason my way through these struggles only to get yelled at and guilted into feeling a certain way. This is the overwhelming I was talking about. And now I have to deal with a broken car for the rest of the week, getting rides to get to work and therapy, and anywhere else I have to go. I'm not doing well, I'm not feeling well, I'm not able to think straight, and work seems to be the only thing to keep me from harming myself because I'm out of medication and don't have health insurance. There's so much going on with me and I don't know if I could ever support you in the ways that you deserve. You deserve someone better than me.

 

I have to get dressed and head to work. We'll have to talk when I get home. I'm sorry I made you feel bad and that I did this to you. I was hoping for a conversation and not to be yelled at. I wish I could make it all better, but I need help, lots of help.

 

And to this well, I actually acknowledged that I had flaws but for him, I will make myself better. But I can’t lose him…… and to that

 

No, it's not because of Instagram. I promise it's not because of that. I just, I dunno. I got overwhelmed on my way to work and need to calm down.

 

It's nothing you did. It's all me. I'm not doing well mentally and not coping very well. I have a lot I need to work inside. I'm sorry it all came out this way cause I was so sad. I'm just so scared right now.

 

It's OK my love

I am always there are for you

Through thick and thin 

You will get well. I promise you that. We all go through the toughest most times. But through perseverance we can go through them . All forgiven. 

I promise to be a better partner to you from now on. To understand your needs every thing.

For now love take care of yourself , ok sweetie?

 

I will try to find the care I need. Definitely need to discuss this in therapy. I think for now, maybe we need a break. It's not you or me. I feel like I need to catch my breath, to find myself, cause I'm not who I was and it's distorting how I see everything else. I wish I didn't have all these problems, this anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts. I wish I could block out and erase the bad things in my life. I wish the people I cared about were closer to me. I just, I don't know. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry, I wish I was stronger.

I wish I was better for you.

I'm sorry I caused you so much pain and hurt

Yeah. And just other things on my mind lately. I dunno. maybe I'm just overreacting to my emotions.

 

 

Now I will tell you the:_

Most important actual part to this story, which I got to know on call.

 

Dude. I got to know the real deal of him and N (his ex and mom of his child) break up

After   1 year and 4 months. Or 16 months, as you’ll like to put it.

 

At the time he was in a rebound thing with N, he also had a friend, yes girl, and her name was M. They met online, became great friends, and he also said they worked together, he stayed over at his place.

 

N also said that guys and girls cant be just friends, not if the friendship is getting serious, and she is right. I agree with her.

 

G, had to choose between M or N and his son A, yes!! His son.

And he chose his son, and his son’s mother. Yes there's a reason why I said his son’s mother. Because it was done so for the security of his child, basically he was somehow forced. But he was drawn to M.

 

Needles to say, it didn’t work out with N. I mean how could it?

 

G mentioned that about 2 weeks from now, which means mid of October 2021, he wrote to M I think, that he loves her, like “L-O-V-E-S” her.

 

And he also mentioned that , when he went to LA, he , met this other friend B, who is the best ever, means a lot, he says she’s like his sibling, but then he also said he really cared for her, and gifted her some really symbolic things,

 

Which simply meant he and I quote him “CARED FOR HER A LOTTTT” , and

In simple words, he effing “lOVES” that B. 

 

i said, she might be... idk white like you, and not brown like me

He said, she’s Hispanic , brown like me,……. so lovingly he said about her, when

He loves her.

 

I told him my girl radar is always right telling me about my nemesis, or potential threats , who can snatch away G or so I thought.

 

And he said, I need to ask you for advice, because you’re radar is right….

 

 

SILENCE….

 

He Freaking loves her.....

(Numbness in my heart.... Hollow and empty)

but, gladly she’s seeing someone and I hope she always does, continue seeing someone else, other than my G

 

He needs space. And he said he does not Want me anymore, he wanted me before, but he never “Needed” me can you see the discrepancy?

 

Its like I never knew this guy?

 

My heart is so torn, that I cannot even explain, but for now, its extremely numb. With some gush flows, and a lot of tears and some stupid sad songs, so I can just let my tears out.

 

But, its something I would have to live with.

 

I am lost right now….

 

 I feel like he finds me , like N and his baby…. And the other attractive friend “The Hispanic girl”

 

How could he ever replace me?

 

I’m a million degrees better than anyone, I’m far yes, but I’ll do everything to be with him… but

I’m so helpless.

 

For now. I think I do need a break too, but

 

There is no was, I think I am going to keep up with him having girls in life, and let him delude himself that they are “Just Damn friends”

 

He told me that this “friend” gave him , her blessing for my and his relationship.

 

Look where that got us, My G gone forever… from my life. He is all gone.

 

He feels like relationship isn’t what he want, let alone need. He doesn’t want me…. And he thinks that it can be like,

 

Jus friends….. Damn G, you’re that naïve?

 

Hell no we can’t stay friends. I’m numb, with needles piercing my heart . And I am so lost.

 

So lost, and heartbroken………..

 

I should have stopped him from going to LA, because , My G got lost their forever…..

 

 

Before he was going to LA, he texted me “I wish I were flying to you instead”…. I really wish you were… Because My g never came back from LA…

 

Thank you for anyone who puts up with my long story. i just anted to let it out. Neither i am perfect nor him. 

But i am going through extreme pain, and ... i don't know if he is or not.

I think he is too. But its all about getting to be with "B" and ..... i just don't matter anymore....

Please give me any advice you got.

For now i am on "no-contact" thing with him, since we are having a break. 

Hoping that he will get back, but i don't see if we ever will....  I don't trust love anymore. 

4th time, and i'm being hurt. And now , i'm like a lifeless puppet. Hiding my sorrow beneath fake smiles

 

My chirpy self, has become dull, my classmates have noticed my silence, and being in deep thoughts. I cry myself to sleep. I don't know what he is going through, but damn, it freaking hurts like knives stabbing constantly....

 

Please help!!! 😭😭

 

 

 

 

 

[cherry 22]

2 hours ago, Honeycomb8 said:

Break up. Don't hang in limbo when he's already left emotionally. 

Yeah, i'm considering that. But, fo now i'm just taking that "break" seeing if he returns or not. However...i'm not having much expectations..because idk. M lost

[cherry 22]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. He's been cheating with this "friend".

Think about it. Who are you if she's his "best friend"? 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

He's a snake 🐍

You're right. But problem is that this girl is already in relationship..

[cherry 22]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

It's time to break up. 

He's already out the door, and it's going to be too painful (and futile) for you to wait around hoping his feelings change.

I'm sorry, OP. This one is already done. 

yes. i might try to leave him... but if he returns back? do you think i should accept him or his apology?

[cherry 22]

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Something happened at that concert and he's admitted he loves this other girl. What he means is that he's not ready for a relationship with you, because he's doing his best to have a relationship with her instead. Time to pack up your dignity and leave him to it. 

Exactly. i think he is trying his best to beg her into relation, but she is already in relationship... so

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, cherry 22 said:

 problem is that this girl is already in relationship..

Ok. Then focus on his remark about simply not wanting to be in a relationship with you.

[Kwothe28]

Will answer here, but read also the other thread. Wow, so many red flags. Guy with the kid, out of divorce, long distance. Not ready for anything serious, seeing his "friends" who he "loves" and is open about it. Even when he was married he was like that. Separate Instagram accounts. Gaslighting you about it and about other stuff. Racists remarks about skin color of you and other girl. Guy is not a clown, he is an entire circus.

I do also think that you did kinda "suffocate" him. Having your doubts is fine. Having a literal mental breakdown because of stuff like separate Instagram is not. If you have your doubts you talk it through or leave. Not have a mental breakdown and then ask if you are fine and if he still loves you. Its something you need to work. Its sympthomatic that people, who were for example cheated in the past, sometimes even be paranoid about it. But you need to control that and not overwhelm somebody about how he is cheating. There are much better ways of dealing with it even if he does. Not saying about this one, this one is done, he doesnt love you and is everywhere but with you. But for some future relationship. 

Again, I think your insticts were good here. Guy is a sleeze. Just that as he has his issues, you need to work on yours. For your own sake.

[cherry 22]

26 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Will answer here, but read also the other thread. Wow, so many red flags. Guy with the kid, out of divorce, long distance. Not ready for anything serious, seeing his "friends" who he "loves" and is open about it. Even when he was married he was like that. Separate Instagram accounts. Gaslighting you about it and about other stuff. Racists remarks about skin color of you and other girl. Guy is not a clown, he is an entire circus.

I do also think that you did kinda "suffocate" him. Having your doubts is fine. Having a literal mental breakdown because of stuff like separate Instagram is not. If you have your doubts you talk it through or leave. Not have a mental breakdown and then ask if you are fine and if he still loves you. Its something you need to work. Its sympthomatic that people, who were for example cheated in the past, sometimes even be paranoid about it. But you need to control that and not overwhelm somebody about how he is cheating. There are much better ways of dealing with it even if he does. Not saying about this one, this one is done, he doesnt love you and is everywhere but with you. But for some future relationship. 

Again, I think your insticts were good here. Guy is a sleeze. Just that as he has his issues, you need to work on yours. For your own sake.

Thank you so  much for responding with sincere advice... means a lot.... as for him, he wasn't married, or divorced, he never married the woman, just had an unplanned child with her in their rebound. and he is not racist at all, i can affirm that, in fact he was actually talking about how he liked brown toned women as i am brown too.As for now, he is unfollowing me on insta and stuff, and idk... it feels like the beautiful 16 months (well, not perfect) of our relationship meant absolutely nothing. 

I have no idea how to let go for now. Its a way too long relationship to let go off, got my exams in 10 days too.. i'm just looking at his old pics.... looking at his account, and just... crying and idk.... I'm really lost right now

[cherry 22]

30 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Will answer here, but read also the other thread. Wow, so many red flags. Guy with the kid, out of divorce, long distance. Not ready for anything serious, seeing his "friends" who he "loves" and is open about it. Even when he was married he was like that. Separate Instagram accounts. Gaslighting you about it and about other stuff. Racists remarks about skin color of you and other girl. Guy is not a clown, he is an entire circus.

I do also think that you did kinda "suffocate" him. Having your doubts is fine. Having a literal mental breakdown because of stuff like separate Instagram is not. If you have your doubts you talk it through or leave. Not have a mental breakdown and then ask if you are fine and if he still loves you. Its something you need to work. Its sympthomatic that people, who were for example cheated in the past, sometimes even be paranoid about it. But you need to control that and not overwhelm somebody about how he is cheating. There are much better ways of dealing with it even if he does. Not saying about this one, this one is done, he doesnt love you and is everywhere but with you. But for some future relationship. 

Again, I think your insticts were good here. Guy is a sleeze. Just that as he has his issues, you need to work on yours. For your own sake.

the breakdown, was when he said "he is not menat for relationships" not cz of insta

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, cherry 22 said:

yes. i might try to leave him... but if he returns back? do you think i should accept him or his apology?

Absolutely not. 

Because apologizing isn't the main issue. The main problem is that he is not in love with you and wants to be with someone else. Saying sorry doesn't fix that. 

When a man is really into you, this sort of thing doesn't happen. That's why it's already over. His heart and mind aren't with you anymore. 

[Lambert]

I'm sorry. This is a hard thing to hear

ask yourself,  why do you think this treatment of you and this heartless disregard for your feelings is good enough for you? 

To tell a girlfriend of a year, that you think you love another has got to the most hurtful thing you can say. 

Someone who loves you protects your feelings. Even if they don't want to be with you anymore.  They would break up in a sensitive way. 

So in your shoes, I take all that love you have for him and give to yourself. 

Flip the script on this jerk. Yes. He is a jerk. Walk away from him. It's not a break. He can't just put you on hold like an object. Take care of yourself.  Be with people that make you feel good- friends, family, pets. Do nice things for yourself.  Forget him! 

And no. If he comes back do not take him back.  The best revenge is to go on with your life and live well. 

When you're feeling better, get a new guy. A nice one that cares about you. 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, cherry 22 said:

it feels like the beautiful 16 months

Unfortunately, sounds more like an imaginary "beautiful" thing. The reality of him and his situation is rather ugly. Be glad you're free of this creep.

Talk to trusted friends and family about things. If you're sad about this, address whatever mental health issues you have so you don't keep getting involved in bad situations like this.

Focus on school, work, sports/fitness, groups, clubs, interests, hobbies. Volunteer. 

Get on some Quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting decent men with integrity. Rule out shady characters like this with a lot of red flags.

 Now you are free to meet decent men with integrity. Select carefully and you'll reduce your risk for headaches and heartaches like this.

[SooSad33]

Is time to work on accepting this isn't good for you anymore. Sorry, but his heart isn't it .

It sounds like he can't handle anymore stress from you.. he wants some 'calmness' and isn't getting it.

So, back off.  Give him nothing and focus on yourself.

Give yourself some time to work through your emotions of this BU.  As that's what it is.

It is okay to cry.. and is good to journal, to get it out another way. But do not reach out anymore and work on not following him. None of this will do you any good, while trying to work on accepting, healing and moving forward.

 

And you need to seriously consider seeking some prof help for your own good. Or this behaviour will just spill into the next relationship you get into.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, cherry 22 said:

he wasn't married, or divorced, he never married the woman, just had an unplanned child with her in their rebound.

One more red flag. Again, the guy is a circus. 

Not saying that its easy, you spent almost year and a half together. But it will get better. You are still in "denial" stage, thinking that he will get together again. I am sorry but that probably wont happen as he did block you everywhere. Even if he did would you take him back after what he did? Work toward acceptance of that its over. In time, you will continue. Manage to laugh about it, even to find somebody better. And work toward not repeating the same mistakes. That means not ignoring the red flags. And to be mentally stable and knowing when to call it quits. 

[boltnrun]

How much time did the two of you spend together in person?

Why were you not able to go on the trip with him? Did he invite you?

[catfeeder]

On 11/4/2021 at 3:52 PM, boltnrun said:

How much time did the two of you spend together in person?

Why were you not able to go on the trip with him? Did he invite you?

These were my questions, too.