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Is this what the end of a relationship looks like?


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I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months, and we're genuinely a very good match. He treats me so well and loves me with his whole heart, and I am endlessly grateful for his company. He's honestly my best friend too, I just adore him. I've been struggling recently with some feelings that have me questioning what I truly want, and they make me feel awful.

I'll call my boyfriend G, his best friend S.

I met S maybe 2 years ago? we have a lot of mutual friends. we talked regularly on instagram, and I developed a big crush on him. we planned dates that fell through, flirted, and at one point exchanged nudes. not to be crass, but ..👀 ANYWAYS, nothing ever worked out and he's a bit of a *** so he's been with a lot of different girls, while I eventually met G. 

G and i had a really beautiful and exciting "honeymoon phase" over the course of the late spring and summer, we've both moved and got new jobs and a lot more stress and priorities since we started dating, and fallen into our own exhausting routines, so the fireworks of falling in love have settled down to comfortable domesticity.

but right as that process began, G's addiction experienced some really severe relapses, resulting in totalling his car and getting a DWI, and then overdosing in the course of a week. later that week, G had a birthday party at a mutual friend's house where he claimed he'd be having his last drink of alcohol before fully committing to sobriety and starting NA, which we were going all out for. I got too drunk and crashed on the couch, overhearing a lot going on around me. the mutual friends, more adamantly S, were discussing moving me to a bed and letting me sleep there for the night, while G insisted on getting me a ride home. he confided in the mutual friends when S wasn't in the room that he "didn't trust S with a vulnerable girl like that."

i've pondered the implications of that. Does he really think his best friend would try to take advantage of me? moreover, if S actually did try something, would i have stopped him? as much as i love G, i can't lie to myself and say I'm not attracted to S. 

Since the party, G reached 1 month sober from drugs, but continues to drink, and experiences severe depression while drunk. he's very dissatisfied with his situation, since i changed jobs he's been making less money than me while working harder labor, he has no car and relies on others for rides, his home life has gotten difficult following the relapse, so besides seeing me, all he does is work, go to NA, come home and sleep, and all of his other close friends are in jail or rehab. 

I guess I should mention now that S and I are now coworkers since i changed jobs, about a week or 2 ago I started working at the same restaurant he does, mostly for the insanely good pay but partially for the awesome work environment and other coworkers, and i guess a tiny fraction is to see him more often. i'm kinda awkward around him at work, but otherwise we're just really friendly.

S invited me to come out drinking and bowling with the other coworkers on Sundays and Thursdays, and G wants to come with, but i'm seriously trying to get him to quit drinking and i know there's no way i could prevent him from drinking with the rest of us, and quite frankly i just don't really want him there. every second neither of us are working, we're together, and i would really like to get an opportunity to socialize with my new coworkers on my own. maybe i want to see S on my own..

i know for a fact G didn't want me working there because of S, and especially doesn't want me drinking with him and a bunch of other men, in the city, unaccompanied, and his worries about S aren't exactly unfounded, I just . i can't help but wonder if this is just an awkward phase in my relationship with G that we'll get over, or if this is what the end looks like. I really do love him, and admitting to myself that deep down i want to *** his best friend makes me absolutely loathe myself and feel like i don't deserve G's unconditional love, but I don't want to lose him over it.

I would never realistically have a relationship with S, our personalities are so similar that we'd probably be incompatible romantically and he's not the type to commit to anybody. he's got a few girls already who he's been in pseudo relationships with for years, all while still hooking up with other random girls.  i personally cannot handle having sex outside of a relationship, it's never once been good for me, i require the intimacy of romance and a deep personal connection to feel fulfilled. i already have that with G, i just can't fathom why i'm still so fixated on S . 

what's wrong with me?

is this self sabotage because i've never known a happy and loving relationship before, and i can't allow myself to have one?

is this the result of my needs not being met and realizing i need more than this relationship can offer me?

am i just a confused horny *** ***ing idiot who needs to just clean out my mind and be normal for once???

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It's not about S.  You're seeing the grass is greener because you're with Mr. Right on Paper but not Mr. Right for you.  And you're worried about being with an alcoholic and someone who very recently was a drug addict. Duh, of  course! (And no he doesn't love you unconditionally - he wants you to do things his way and if he's depressed he's not capable right now of healthy love of someone else).

So if it wasn't S it would be someone else.  I got in my own way for a long time as far as becoming the right person to find the right person but, separately, I'm thrilled I didn't settle for Mr. Right on Paper.  Here's what it felt like when I finally found my person.  I knew -technically speaking - I hadn't dated all the men on the planet -just half by then LOL - I knew there were men who were let's say - even more attractive, even smarter, even funnier, etc -and again I mean technically - I'm sure those people exist out there and I can't prove they don't - but I did not care.  At all. 

You could have told me that you met the perfect guy who is single and wants to date someone like me - and you could have described him so I knew - technically - he was "hotter" - and I would have smiled and said "no thanks, I have my person.  I'm done" (but it wasn't an I'm done feeling -it was an "I found him so now let's continue and also begin".  ).  

Don't settle. Don't run to S necessarily but don't do what I did and try to force feelings for Mr. Right on Paper and struggle with core-shaking doubts and overthink it.  Core shaking.  Some jitters and doubts are normal -the kind that either stay on the periphery and when they come up are so easily shook off/resolvable.  Because at the core you're with your person. 

Or doubts based on specific behavior the other person is doing or not doing.  Then you can  talk to your person and see if there's a resolution.  And then the doubts fade. I've certainly had those sorts of doubts where we had to talk things out and often my impressions of his motivations/actions were wrong so it was good we  talked. 

But the core-shaking doubts of I am with the right person -oh look I really want to be with that other person and what does this mean (as opposed to being human, noticing an attractive guy or seeing that your ex still looks hot on facebook in his airbrushed photo and fleetingly wondering -"what if?" and then turning back to the life you have with your person and feeling good about it) - but seriously contemplating being with someone else is different. 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way -I know it's an icky feeling..

Edited by Batya33
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G shouldn't be dating anyone while trying to kick addictions. It's one of the pieces of wisdom when is in AA, and battling narcotics addiction--not to take on anything new during the first year of attempting sobriety such as getting a new puppy, starting a new romance, moving into a new place. You've regularly seen him drunk since you mention that he always gets depressed while drinking. He has a drinking problem which should be a dealbreaker for you, and especially the fact that it's greatly impacting his life. He has to rely on other people for rides.

You yourself have an issue with alcohol if you've crashed on the couch and have other people speak of carrying you to a bed. Like you don't even have use of your faculties.

You and your group of friends can't even do an activity like bowling without drinking? You've surrounded yourself with people who focus on alcohol way too much.

Moving out of youthful experimentation and partying days has to happen at some point. As you can see, alcohol isn't the fun, magical elixir to make one's life better. I have many relatives and friends who claim to be a million times happier now that they've completed many years of sobriety.

And your friend "S"? He doesn't sound like any prize, boinking women willy-nilly. Your chemistry with him is biological. Start using your brain on more decent people to be friends with. And your continued crush is preventing you from bonding with someone who is good boyfriend material.

I'd distance myself from this crowd you've established yourself with and break up with the drunk. They all sound like they've pickled their brains and will be stuck in a vat of alcohol, drowning in a wasted life.

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You can decide that BF is worth settling down for and support his sobriety with your own, and skip the partying with anyone who would drive a wedge between you, OR, you can decide that BF isn't worth that and either dump him or watch yourself create the drama that will lead to the demise of your relationship in a sick and painful way.

It's your call.

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3 hours ago, wheredowegofromhere said:

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. comfortable domesticity.

 totalling his car and getting a DWI, and then overdosing in the course of a week.

Way too much way to soon. What do you mean by "comfortable domesticity"? Hopefully you did not move in together.

28 weeks dating exactly to watch for giant red flags like this drunken, addicted depressed  legal nightmare.

 Don't kid yourself, you're just a pawn, a chauffer a crash pad. His relationship is with frying his brain.

Do you do drugs and drink? Why are you  hanging out with a train wreck like this? He needs inpatient detox and rehab. Hopefully some jail time. When will you leave him? When he kills a child or you or himself driving drunk?

Run. You're wasting your time on someone who's too busy getting drunk and doing drugs to care about anyone or anything.

G and S both sound like creeps.  They are not the only 2 options. Go for option 3: Stay sober and away from drugs and sending  nudes and this garbage won't appeal to you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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16 hours ago, wheredowegofromhere said:

i can't help but wonder if this is just an awkward phase in my relationship with G that we'll get over, or if this is what the end looks like. I really do love him, and admitting to myself that deep down i want to *** his best friend makes me absolutely loathe myself and feel like i don't deserve G's unconditional love, but I don't want to lose him over it.

I would never realistically have a relationship with S, our personalities are so similar that we'd probably be incompatible romantically and he's not the type to commit to anybody.

Being involved with an addict is anything but good 😕 . Most fail because of that.

You may lose him.. but not over his buddy.  Is because there's too many issue's. He's a real challenge and to the point you enjoy your own time away from him, yes?

As for S, I think you just need to keep your distance from someone like this!  Even if you do mess around with him, you could end up with some deep regrets.  Not just from acting on your yearnings & curiousity, but feel guilt, knowing you were not over your present bf. ( You're just not in the right head space.. right?).

So, steer clear from this 'player' and move on from that. And figure out what is best for you now.

Is it time to just end it with your bf?  Because things are breaking down around you, while you fantasize about another guy?

My ex husband was an alcy, as was much of his family, though I didn't know anything about it. Until I married into it.  It did not last 10 years. Is sad, yes. To see addicts struggle with so much, but we cannot fix them.

Think hard about all of this... may be time you backed away from both of them and just take some real down time on dating.  Spend time around friends more.. just friends.

 

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