Boyfriend changed and lazy

[MeganR]

Im 18F, bf 19M, and we are about to hit 7 months of dating. Background, we met online and he was and still is one of the sweetest best guys I’ve ever dated. My only issue is for the past few months he’s lost motivation(and ability to contribute to the relationship). His original after high school plan failed by no fault of his own and since then he hasn’t been the same.

When we met, he woke up at 8am to 9am, studied a few hours for his exams, and was sweet to me over the phone every night etc. He was extremely caring towards me. He would get worried when I was sick etc. He wrote me poetry and was always sympathetic of my bad days and sicknesses. He brought me snacks every time we hung out. He was excited to call me and would drop whatever he was doing most of the time. 

NOW, he usually wakes up around noon, plays video games for most of the day, or hangs out with his mom. I convinced him to start taking an online course in his subject of interest and to apply to college. He did both, after a long time of procrastinating and is happy he did it. I helped him a lot with his essay and application. 

Another issue is he’s broke. He applies to min wage jobs pretty religiously but doesn’t get accepted. I don’t mind him being broke for a while as long as he’s working toward not being broke. However, the other night I asked him if he could apply to a job (bc i really want to go back on dates) and he said he didn’t feel like it. I felt a little hurt like he didn’t really care or feel ashamed that he wasn’t even able to go on dates with me. I would have understood if he’d had a long day, but he didn’t do anything. It’s not like he NEVER applies to jobs, but this conversation was a little disheartening. Plus min wage applications are super minimal. 

Love and affection is also an issue. For example, last night I asked him if he could call me and distract me because I was having an allergic reaction to something I ate(very uncomfortable but not deadly). He said in a few mins, but then took about 15-20 mins. I asked him why he couldn’t call sooner, he said he was watching tennis with his mom. He doesn’t even like or understand tennis.

Back when we started dating issues seemed a lot easier to solve. Back then, I told him he needed to plan more dates and he planned us a really fun one in a week. More recently, at about 5 months, I asked him to plan me a date because it was his turn and I was really stressed in school. His response was he was stressed too. Even though it was a lame excuse I gave him two weeks. Still, nothing. I asked him again and he got upset with me, saying he forgot and I should have told him earlier. He said that his friends thought I was manipulative. I waited another two weeks and still no date.

At this point, it was our 6 months so I asked him if he had anything planned for our 6 month anniversary. It might seem dumb but it’s something cute that people my age celebrate. He said he’d been too stressed, but had thought of writing a poem. I asked him if he could still write it, now we’re almost at 7 months and nothing has been written. He did end up cooking me a meal for our 6 month anniversary after I reminded him yet again about the lack of dates etc. The food was really good but he was two hours late/arriving at 8(his mom asked him to run errands and it takes him a little more than an hour to get to my college). I wanted to go earlier but he said he couldn’t because his mom wasn’t able to help him cook. Kinda lame.

on another note, he also gets a super annoyed tone with me if I ask him to get off his game to call me or hangout over Videochat. Sometimes I get on the phone and he doesn’t say anything. During arguments over him not taking me on dates etc, he also gets a nasty tone or raises his voice and refuses to admit it’s his fault. He always says he wasn’t aware he was doing it. 

before you say, why don’t you just plan a date? I’ve been the main person planning them since day 1. I’ve cooked him meals and bought art supplies for fun picnics. I’ve made reservations etc. At first I didn’t mind, but a few months in I decided I wanted him to share the responsibility especially since we share the costs of dates. Also, before you say that he’s too broke to plan a date. We live in a city with a lot of free parks museums and events that would be fun and satisfy my need to be taken out at least until he gets a job.

Am I asking for too much here? Do all relationships eventually come to this point? This is my first long term relationship and I’m completely oblivious and kind of scared about what to do. Am I justified in wanting to break up? Is it possible to ride it out at this point? I really thought he would get better after we talked things through but it’s impossible to reach him. He is improving slightly like I mentioned with the cooking me a meal, but overall, what do I do here? 
 

Most of my friends have caring boyfriends who plan their dates and even some of them pay for their dates too. They all just started dating them though, so I’m not sure if all relationships end up in this weird lazy kind of thing Im in? I’m not ugly, I’ve been told I can be funny and I always have something to talk about. I really go above and beyond with cute dates little presents and all of the other fun parts of a relationship.

What should I do here? Am I an issue in this too? I really want to work things out because of how he treated me in the start 

 

[Lambert]

Dump him... 

I say this for multiple reasons... but the main one is: one person cannot fix a relationship alone. And you definitely can't fix another person.

The things you are wanting and needing in a relationship are the kind of things he has to give on his own and because he wants to.

It's been only 7 months and he's already stopped being a good boyfriend. 

Find someone you don't have to fix. 

[MeganR]

I just feel like such a bad person lately like I’m asking too much or nagging him. 

[MeganR]

Do you think there’s anything Im doing here that could be causing this? For future relationships. 

[Lambert]

3 minutes ago, MeganR said:

Do you think there’s anything Im doing here that could be causing this? For future relationships. 

Yes. you are putting up with bad behavior. His actions are showing he is not really into taking care of your needs.

And you're making a mistake many people do... Your response is to try harder. 

What does that teach a partner? that you don't care about your needs. 

You should start blowing him off. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, MeganR said:

Do you think there’s anything Im doing here that could be causing this? For future relationships. 

Yes. Focus on your own schoolwork, college, jobs, friends, family, sports, clubs, groups, interests, etc. Stop micromanaging people.

 Playing mother, therapist, career counselor etc. is a controlling arrogant habit you need to stop now.

 Dating is what you see is what you get. Leave him alone. Focus on your own future, not his.

[DancingFool]

Any time you start dating someone, they will put their best foot forward at first. That's why the beginning of every relationship has the so called honeymoon period where everything is great, cute, loving, attentive, and rosy.

Where you need to start paying attention and what determines if you should stay of dump him is what happens after that honeymoon period wears off. The mistake you are making is that you are stuck on that beginning and trying hard to force him back into acting the way he did instead of paying attention to what he is doing today. Unfortunately, what you are seeing today is who he really is - a guy who doesn't care to meet your needs, who doesn't think he needs to do things for you or even for himself for that matter. So this is where you look at his life and actions at face value and walk away.

Never ever mother, push, pull and otherwise try to live for someone else. If he is not applying for jobs, that's his problem. If you don't like someone who is lazy, you dump him and find someone who is more on your level and doesn't need to be told, helped, pushed, asked, etc. He will do things for you because he wants to and not because you had to beg.

When it comes to relationships, always look for reciprocation. If you find yourself doing most of the work....that's your clue to walk away.

[Kwothe28]

41 minutes ago, MeganR said:

Am I asking for too much here? Do all relationships eventually come to this point?

Eh, some do. People have kind of "idylic" view during first 6 or so months. Where we dont or just choose to dont see partners flaws. For example his career and job issue that still exists but now its started to bother you for a good reason. Also,some people get "lazier" over time and relationship becomes a routine. First few months you are on you best and you try, after a while its less and less trying and more just routine that was created. 

Anyway, no, you are not asking too much. He should be trying way more over you and frankly, some of his behaviors like him getting mad and nasty during arguments, or even him playing video games all day are just concerning. Most of my dates when I was your age didnt require some crazy ammount of money but just an effort. So its not like he cant do it, he just wont. You are still young but I can see that you want the right thing from the relationship and not just be in one. Trapping yourself with the guy like that, with almost no future, that refuses to work and build his career unless you make him do it, that even wont appreciate you or try over you, that is not the right thing to do. Go separate ways, there will be plenty of better guys out there for you.

[smackie9]

The honeymoon stage or infatuation phase lasts anywhere between 6 months to a year and a half. He's out of the phase and has lost interest in your relationship which is perfectly normal especially someone so young. Him not being motivated life wise is normal for some transitioning from teenage-hood to adulthood. They want to delay it as long as they possibly can. There's also uncertainty of the future from a lack of confidence in themselves. He has to work through this on his own. You my dear are going way past him, and you don't need to be with someone that's going to hold you back. Your relationship has run it's course. This is a lesson a lot of us have learned....that when things get like this, it's best to get out of it and move on. There are brighter things awaiting you.

[SooSad33]

IMO, the 'Honeymoon phase' is over so, he's just laying back more.. and getting comfortable, becoming who he really is now.

What you want & what you get is very different... So, if YOU can't handle this, maybe you two are just a little too different.

You can't make him do this or that.. and it sounds like you get resentful because he's no longer really trying..

Also, he is only 19.  Guys take longer to 'grow up', he's not that into all of this trying ( and expectations) for you or re: a relationship expectations.

So, maybe now you've come to realize maybe what you want and what he wants is very different & you two are not so compatible after all.

Has only been 7 months... is it maybe time to leave this one and move on?

 

[j.man]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Playing mother, therapist, career counselor etc. is a controlling arrogant habit you need to stop now.

Quoted for emphasis.  

Too many people conflate controlling behavior with some kind of altruism because they really care about their partner.  Fact is he's not up to your standards, and you'd rather compel or nag him to conform to them than find someone who actually is the willing partner you'd like.  

The good news is you're only 18.  It's better to learn the lesson after having dated a 19 year old, for all intents and purposes kid caught in a typical enough late adolescent slump than hitting 35 and finding yourself still investing in trying to fix what will be then genuine dead-beats. And on the other side of that coin, making it a habit to control or fix people quickly goes from the generally miserable dynamic it seems to be right now to toxic and borderline abusive practice.

Date, be picky while treating yourself and others with respect, and learn to live and let live by simply voting with your feet.  Trust me, everyone ends up happier.  You're gonna meet plenty of 19 year old dudes like this one, and you'll meet a dozen clingmasters who have yet to learn what overcompensating means, which incidentally will probably be the guy who does eagerly want to celebrate something like a 6 month anniversary.  It's all about learning to recognize what fits and what doesn't.  As your picker gets better and better, you'll find guys who are a much healthier median between the extremes. 

Being this young and in such a target rich environment certainly isn't the time to start settling for relationships that turn unhappy after all of half a year.  

[MeganR]

2 hours ago, j.man said:

Fact is he's not up to your standards, and you'd rather compel or nag him to conform to them than find someone who actually is the willing partner you'd like.

So what I gather from the quoted selection and the other above comments is that neither of us are entirely wrong in what we want and what is happening. He is not necessarily wrong objectively, but his actions have shown he is the wrong person for me right now. I am definitely wrong for trying to “control” him by being so insistent on my needs and what he should be doing. Rather, the better healthier solution is to just break up and/or chose my own reactions to his actions more carefully (ie instead of begging him for anything, withdrawing from the situation). It probably would have been healthier to just stop after the first time I asked for something. It is oddly comforting to realize that it isn’t so much his fault or something he’s doing entirely out of laziness, but just a kind of common slump that can happen during this point in his life. Also, to know that it’s normal for us to leave the honeymoon stage. 

As for the current point in our relationship, I kind of already got to the place where I am “voting with my feet” as a user put it. I have been rejecting all of his attempts to do low-effort hangouts like going to each other’s houses by saying I was busy with schoolwork in the hope that he would get the memo. For the most part he did, especially with the picnic he planned and the upcoming date this week, an aquarium and dinner.

I do feel sorry about controlling him, I was frustrated and scared to loose him but I can see how that is toxic in itself. It’s something I already apologized a week or so ago when this situation was really at its height. 

I think my current plan is to wait it out and see if date-planning/this new effort continues or is temporary to “save” the relationship. I’m going to give it until mid-November. In that time, I’m going to stop being controlling and just let whatever happens with it happen, not putting in anymore effort than I see him putting in etc or nagging him. I figure if this fails, it’s at least a chance to correct my behavior and feel better about the ultimate decision whether it be to stay or leave? Is this a solid fair/healthy plan? Or am I wrongly prolonging it? 

thank you so much to everyone who took the time to help me out. I really appreciate your more experienced opinions and helping me see where I went wrong as well. 

[MissCanuck]

On 10/11/2021 at 4:28 PM, MeganR said:

Do you think there’s anything Im doing here that could be causing this? For future relationships. 

No, and no. 

He isn't as into you as you are into him, and is generally quite immature. It's already lost steam at just 7 months, which is your cue that it's over. He's not only unmotivated but he's clearly losing interest in you and this is fading out anyway. 

The only thing you need to remember for future relationships is that when you have to tell a man how to date you and ask him that many times to essentially pay attention to you - you walk. You realize he's not the right one, rather than repeatedly trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.