Boyfriend disappears for days after argument

[zee89]

Me and my boyfriend are long distance and the last time we had a big argument he disappeared for days. It all started with me saying how I feel I needed more from our relationship because I don't feel like my needs are met. We are long distance and I feel like he only really fits me in when it suits him. He has a 2 week on one week off work schedule and the last time he came home and I brought up how I felt I needed more cos we don't really call much and spend time doing things remotely, he basically said he was dealing with depression and needed time to himself. He never has mentioned depression before in our relationship so I was a bit surprised as this came out of nowhere, but he said he wanted to spend time watching movies with me remotely and just needed to "Get his head right for a day." When I told him I wasn't sure we were on the same page and maybe we shouldn't pursue our relationship he deleted social media and disappeared for 3 days.

The day he came back was the day he was going back to work which I found a bit strange because I didn't think he would want such a serious convo the day he went back to work, especially when he had a week off to spend time with me and talk. He apologized saying I did nothing wrong and he doesn't want me to doubt myself and he was just depressed and has a hard time expressing himself and was sad because he thought I ended it and he was just sulking basically and begged for another chance. He said he realized being long distance we needed more communication and he needed to make more effort to do that long distance. I believed maybe as he has only had one real relationship before that maybe it was just inexperience and could be worked on and gave him another chance.

Things were fine and then a few days ago he gets home for his week off. He went to lunch with his friend and text a bit during the day but he still didn't suggest a phone call or anything and seems to be sleeping a lot. I am not saying he is lying to me, but he never used to sleep this much before. He then promised the next day would be our day and we could chat, but at this point I just felt like the same thing was happening again and I didn't feel a priority. I told him all of this and said how I wonder if there was someone else because of how he is acting and he said he isn't having this conversation again and after I expressed how I still felt the communication was lacking and he wasn't making me a priority he read the messages and hasn't been online since, nor reached out in any way or been on other social media.

I feel an idiot. I honestly thought he had learned his lesson and wouldn't do this again and the disappearing is so frustrating because we can't have a conversation about it because he won't get online, let alone read other messages I have sent.

What do you think the best way to proceed is? I do worry about his mental health too when he disappears like this and I have reached out on a few platforms with no reply for a day.

[DarkCh0c0]

How long have you been together? How often do see each other? Where are you each located? And, why is it long distance?

These are questions for you to give us more context.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, zee89 said:

 I told him I wasn't sure we were on the same page and maybe we shouldn't pursue our relationship 

LDRs generally are very difficult, unsatisfactory and lonely.

You're both not cut out for this. What you want is a real BF who you can see on a regular basis. That's not him.

He's tiptoeing out of the relationship with the "mental health" excuse.

You used the veiled break-up threat to try to manipulate him into giving you more attention.

Of course that never works and always backfires. Just like this.

He's most likely seeing someone else.  He wants out, you insinuated you want out so have the courage to end it and set both yourselves free from this go nowhere situation.

[zee89]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

LDRs generally are very difficult, unsatisfactory and lonely.

You're both not cut out for this. What you want is a real BF who you can see on a regular basis. That's not him.

He's tiptoeing out of the relationship with the "mental health" excuse.

You used the veiled break-up threat to try to manipulate him into giving you more attention.

Of course that never works and always backfires. Just like this.

He's most likely seeing someone else.  He wants out, you insinuated you want out so have the courage to end it and set both yourselves free from this go nowhere situation.

Just to be clear, this is what I told him the last time and a few days later he begged me to take him back, so it didn't seem like he wanted out by this behavior.

[smackie9]

He's on the fence about your relationship. Guilt, attachment, attracted to another possibly giving him doubts, being a coward. Sounds like he's distancing himself on purpose..to ease himself out of it. He's just not ready to let go just yet. Instead he's testing the waters, and making sure he's making the right decision. He may not admit it to you but that will come in time.

[Seraphim]

I would let this go and find someone local. Long distance relationships often don’t meet anyone’s needs. 

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, zee89 said:

What do you think the best way to proceed is? I do worry about his mental health too when he disappears like this and I have reached out on a few platforms with no reply for a day.

Don't. Don't make any more requests. Don't nag him. Don't reach out on multiple platforms. You're coming across as overly needy and very anxious and clingy. The more someone falls short of our needs/desires in a relationship, communicate this once and then stop and get a sense of whether the other person is on the same page. If they are not on the same page as you, acknowledge it and go your separate ways. Don't keep forcing the situation.

You have paused to observe and think but you're also not changing your habits of contacting him in several different ways. It can be creepy also receiving texts or calls or messages on different platforms or having someone constantly checking your social media. 

Him deleting his social media or wanting to remove himself there suggests he doesn't want to be checked up on anymore. He feels watched and monitored in his moves. If he doesn't reply to you it means that he doesn't want to speak to you. If he doesn't respond to your concerns about the relationship or want to discuss them it means he does not care enough to fix it or to listen to you any longer. 

 

 

 

[Lambert]

As others are stating, long distance relationships are really hard and rarely last.

But some people get in them because they want that.  They want the comfort of someone caring about them and no effort on their part.

So long distance or not, you always have to look at what is happening NOW and base your decisions on that. 

Not the past, not what you want to change... now. Words are cheap. he didn't want to lose a girlfriend for when he wants a girlfriend.  But he's not willing to do any more than what works for him. 

Where does that leave you? 

in your shoes, I'd blow this guy off. Find someone local. 

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, zee89 said:

Things were fine and then a few days ago he gets home for his week off. He went to lunch with his friend and text a bit during the day but he still didn't suggest a phone call or anything and seems to be sleeping a lot. I am not saying he is lying to me, but he never used to sleep this much before.

If he is truly dealing with depression, then yes, one can do a lot of sleeping.. as they don't feel any 'drive' to do much... If he is struggling like this, then how about you suggest he get going to his family doctor and talk to them about this... He could possibly do better with an anti depr's, anxiety med, mood stablizer, etc. He could also do with a proper diagnosis... 

Either way, if this is for real... is not a good way to see it as this.." I honestly thought he had learned his lesson and wouldn't do this again ".

It is a lesson for both of you.. Him going through it and you being there experiencing it.

It will be challenging for you, yes... so, not sure you can handle all of this, as he struggles and his behaviour is questionable?  I dealt with this at a young age, and it wasn't nice.

 

[waffle]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's on the fence about your relationship. Guilt, attachment, attracted to another possibly giving him doubts, being a coward. Sounds like he's distancing himself on purpose..to ease himself out of it. He's just not ready to let go just yet. Instead he's testing the waters, and making sure he's making the right decision. He may not admit it to you but that will come in time.

There could also be some element of keeping you as an option in case his local relationship doesn't work out.

Of course it's all speculation but don't lose sight of the real issue, which is that you don't feel your needs are being met in this relationship.  He is not willing to do anything about that and in fact insists on making it worse, so bye.  His actions are telling you not to waste any more time on him.