Is this normal

[Rb1980]

Hey all,

In Feb/March 2020 an 18month relationship ended. It hit me hard and put me in a very bad way.

Since then Ive had one other relationship that didn't pan out well, dated another girl and am now in a relationship with an amazing girl who shares similar interests, looks incredible, is funny and makes me feel genuinely loved/cared for. When I'm with her I actually feel on top of the world.

 

The reasoning for my post is that I still get thoughts of this initial ex in my head. Such as how much I miss the times we had, how I wish things had gone different, how I'm jealous of her career and wondering how many guys she's been with since we split.

 

Now we've been apart longer than we were together but for some reason she still seems on my mind everyone and then

 

[Kwothe28]

Is it normal? Yes. Often times big emotions about somebody new "trigger" big emotions about somebody from the past. Reminiscing, remembering some good times you had with your ex, it probably happens to all of us. Its a common thing

However, this

1 hour ago, Rb1980 said:

how I wish things had gone different, how I'm jealous of her career and wondering how many guys she's been with since we split.

is something that you shouldnt be doing. Because it can affect your current relationship. Always remember that she is an ex for the good reason. And that all those good times probably had a follow up with the bad times or else she wouldnt be an ex.

[Wise Wally]

Normal, but very unhealthy.  It's fine to have fond memories, but focusing too much on the past will drive someone crazy (think Uncle Rico).  You have to focus on everything that is good about the present and look forward to all of the hopeful things in the future.  

[reinventmyself]

I think it's normal when you are doing couple like things such as walking on the beach, cuddling while watching a movie, that your recall takes you back to something that is familiar.  

That would be the same for most things you do in life.  If you visited Hawaii, you would recall your previous trip there. 

If it's a particularity painful time in your life, the memory is a little more pronounced. But it doesn't mean she's the one that got away.   

Don't let it trip you up and assign unnecessary value to it.  The recall memories isn't some sort of sign of the sky that you are still attached.  It's just the way our brain works.  It's your choice whether on how you want to interpret it.

 

[SooSad33]

Yes, it happens.. You hold the memories.  And sounds like she left quite an impact.

Are you young?  Like, was she your first relationship kinda thing?  That, you will always remember.

My question is... you have been involved twice now since that one. Do you feel that you maybe moved on a little too quickly after that one?  That you're maybe not ready to be involved again?

IF you do feel okay now, then just let it slide.  The memory is there, but it'll fade in time. ( worst thing to do is follow your ex eg. don't have her on your social media- avoid it all.. in order to be able to move on properly). The less we know, the better!

Delete.  And move on with your life.

 

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

The reasoning for my post is that I still get thoughts of this initial ex in my head. Such as how much I miss the times we had, how I wish things had gone different, how I'm jealous of her career and wondering how many guys she's been with since we split.

This would not be ok for me. I'd move on and decide to spend more time on my own. You may be forcing your current relationship and not giving yourself/devoting yourself to it as you would. 

Otherwise, if you choose to stay with your partner now make more of an effort to change your train of thought when these things come up or pop into your mind. Being jealous of someone else's career for example is a sign of how unhappy you are with yourself. Sooner or later your current partner will pick up on this and it may be a dealbreaker. Tread carefully here and keep making progress professionally or personally. Why can't you enroll in courses or enrich your learning/experience while in a relationship? Don't stagnate.

[Lambert]

Is this the ex you've posted about in your other posts?

If yes. Are you sure you're ready to date? 

It doesn't sound fair to the new woman. 

 

[boltnrun]

Here's the test:

If that ex contacted you and said she's really sorry about how things went down, she misses you and believes she still loves you, and asked to see you to talk about possibly getting back together...would you feel elated, excited and hopeful? Or would you think "meh, no thanks"?

[catfeeder]

Yes, I think it's natural because there is no deadline on how long it takes to grieve the loss of a relationship.

Unfortunately, rebounding into dating another too soon before your grief is completed can teach you the futility of hoping for another to heal you or distract you from what you must complete for yourself.