How to deal with not wanting to live In your husbands home town anymore?

[Anon156]

I met my husband 7 years ago whilst travelling Europe. We hit it off straight away and have been inseparable ever since. We met in his home town where his family and business are based and so I decided to stay here. He always knew my plan was to never stay here forever (I love to travel) and we shared the same life ambitions. 

 

Fast forward a few year and we have a beautiful baby boy together. But now I miss my home town and my family and friends more than ever. His family are VERY close and super controlling. If he buys me a gift I have to hide it because they don’t approve of it. When they come over to my home they tell me “very good, You’re house is clean” and they dictate our every move. 

 

Whilst pregnant i tried to walk away from our relationship because his family wanted to decorate my babies nursery and when I refused they brought the cot around anyways.  We struggled to conceive and so when we finally got pregnant, I thought they would be a little more understanding but I was wrong. The first person we told was his mum and she demanded we go tell his brother, and so we had to. 

 

They don’t allow him to have 1 single day off from work (even though it’s his business) for 8 month straight. So I feel like I’ve been a single mum for a while. I’ve really struggled with not having my family and friends near by and whenever I ask for help off his family the answer is always no. I know deep down that he will never leave his home town. He can’t step aside from his business for 1 day never mind a life time. But I’m not sure I can carry on feeling (and knowing deep down) that I’m always going to come second to his family and business. 

 

Now I completely understand he has to work and provide for his family. I love that about him and I support him in every way I can. But part of me also longs for my life back. I feel as though he has everything. The perfect home life, his family near and his job. Whereas I have nothing. I feel myself slowly losing myself. I’m not as bubbly, as jolly or as fun to be around because I feel as though I’m always alone. I’ve lost the part of myself that could go to a completely different country and feel content. I’ve always wanted to travel but now I’ve found myself settled in a country I never planned on staying in surrounded by people that aren’t my loved ones. 

 

I have asked him before to just try living in my home town for a while but he point blank refuses. I’ve done it for 7 years, why can’t he? I feel as though Ive loved him enough to put my happiness second for 7 years so why can’t he just try? The truth is I love our relationship, and my family. But I cry each day just waiting on the next hoping it will be different. I don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me is terrified to leave because of the unknown but the other part just tells me to run. 

[Seraphim]

You will need to bring this to a lawyer because you just can’t leave with your child. That is parental kidnapping. Where I am people can go to jail for that. 

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like a culture clash.  I would imagine if his family was more loving and helpful you wouldn't feel so home sick and alone.

  From what you have described there is little chance he will change and zero chance his family will treat you with the respect and love like you should be.

  If his business is there how did you think he would be able to leave or want to leave?  Also his life ambitions don't seem to line up with yours after all.  Did he tell you what you wanted to hear?

  How often do you take the baby and visit your family?  When was the last time?

In the end I don't see any compromise on where you two live unless he can run the business remotely.

That means you either endure this forever or leave him but with a baby I don't know what custody would be like.

  Lost 

[Lambert]

I'm sorry for your situation and how you're feeling 

I don't think I could deal with my husband's family being so in my business and his working every day. 

I don't understand how you can say you love your relationship but yet cry every day over your life.  I think you might be scared to admit that your husband doesn't care how you feel and has no guilt expecting you to just deal with everything being his way- forever.

Could this be because of his family values as 'the man of the house?

Did he lie to you to get you to marry him, knowing he was going to do what he wanted all along?

I think in your shoes I'd be more mad, than sad. Because you're going to need that anger to leave. feeling sad is just guilting you into staying.

How are you going to leave? Maybe they won't let you. It might have to be one of those situations where you need to go back to your family on a "visit" and file for divorce from there. 

You definitely need some kind of leverage before you just up and tell him you want to leave... 

[Andrina]

Since you share a child, before thinking of ending things, I'd ask him to attend marriage counseling with you. Perhaps a skilled therapist can make him understand how to have a healthier balance in his life. You certainly haven't been able to make this clear to him. If he won't go, tell him you'll be going by yourself to show him the seriousness of the matter. Perhaps that will scare him straight.

I've never understood people who don't think about all these logistics of making a life with someone when you have to uproot your whole life. To me, unless you live in an extremely small town, there are plenty of potential partners in your own locale who you would have chemistry with if you look long and hard enough. But now that you're in this situation, you will have to make a decision that will end up hurting one or more in your family no matter what you decide.

If you move back to your home town, I'm assuming your child won't see Dad very often. You'll still be like a single parent the majority of the time. You can only rely on relatives so much before becoming a burden. If you stay, you have to be in close proximity to his family who cross boundaries with you and your husband. You have to witness daily how he lets them run his life.

So if I were you, if counseling doesn't pan out good behavior changes over time, or if he refuses to go, I'd probably then have a sit-down discussion with him, giving him all options with their consequences. Make him see what life will be like with each situation.

In your shoes, if he won't come to a consensus making you both happy, I'd probably return to my original home. Hopefully, you've now learned to heed red flags and know that what you see is what you get instead of hoping a person will change for the better in a major way.

 

[SooSad33]

Remind me of a 'mama's boy' 😕 

No getting around it an living in miserable surroundings.

They have NO respect & no boundaries towards you guys.  nasty.

I doubt I could tolerate this for long either.  Can you two possible just move elsewhere? ( if they live close by?).  Even an hour away.  Somewhat further, so maybe they can't always be stepping on your toes.

Does he see any of this going on?  And affecting you?  I agree on the therapy attempt to try & get him to see the issue's involved - he really should try to understand what's happening and how it's damaging your relationship.

[DarkCh0c0]

It's not about the hometown here.

He has clearly showed you that his family comes first. I don't get how you didn't see all these red flags before. I'm assuming since you're such a free spirit, he was meeting you halfway before marriage? Or, was he working every single day and unable to take vacation? Again, It's a lot of red flags. Even a normal man works M-F. Where is his personality and why doesn't he put his foot down when it comes to his family interfering in your life as a couple?!

Anyways...

I suggest you also consult a lawyer regarding the baby. The longer you'll stay, the longer you'll lose yourself. This isn't good for you or the baby. 

12 hours ago, Lambert said:

It might have to be one of those situations where you need to go back to your family on a "visit" and file for divorce from there

Yup, agree with Lambert. Can you go on a family visit? If you don't have money, ask for your parent's help. It's okay.

I'm so sorry for this. I personally felt like I couldn't breath while reading your post. It's like you are in some kind of prison.

Free yourself asap. Use that every bit of strength you have to be smart and plan a way out. You have it in you. That flame is still here, but you have to put it in a better space to ignite it.

[Tinydance]

I actually also don't think that his family or hometown is exactly the issue here. I think the problem is your husband. He actually allows his family to meddle and intrude in your life like this. If he stood up to them more then maybe they wouldn't be doing this. He also chooses to work this much. Unfortunately if he's completely refusing to move to your hometown then the only thing you could really do if you're unhappy is end your marriage. 

[Rose Mosse]

It's very extreme to go from marrying someone and having a baby to not wanting to live in the town you're in any longer. Both of you have different views about work and other aspects about life. I agree with the comment about marriage counselling and also take smaller, proactive steps to start acquainting yourself a bit better with this town so it's not so foreign to you. You're resentful towards your husband and it's bled out into being resentful of where you live. In seven years I have to ask, how is it you haven't had time to make new friends or relationships/friendships or situate yourself there with your own network? 

In any case with a baby and without help it might be difficult. There are groups of mothers who do meet with their kids or without the kids. Find others who are like you. I'm not keen on the idea of running away from the situation or looking for ways to get out because all you're doing is avoiding dealing with your own issues personally or with the marriage. 

I would not look to change his family or discuss any of this aside from your husband. If you cannot come to an agreement or if you are really so incapacitated or cannot help yourself from where you are then speak with a lawyer and make plans to separate/divorce. Don't discuss divorce with him or make any moves until you have your legal advice from a lawyer. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Anon156 said:

I have asked him before to just try living in my home town for a while but he point blank refuses.

Visit your family with your child.

At that time tell them your concerns and if they will help you move back to your family and hometown.

He will not change. He is in lockstep with his family. Stop pleading that he move. It's a losing argument.

 Instead decide if you wish to live in this prison with his intrusive family.

[DarkCh0c0]

Agree with @Wiseman2

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Don't discuss divorce with him or make any moves until you have your legal advice from a lawye

Also, what Rose mentioned ^

Once you are clear on a legal ground, take action. Be smart and avoid "discussing" with your husband or family.

[catfeeder]

I would avoid making any decisions or demonstrating any behaviors that will get me into deeper acrimony with husband's family.

I'd behave as the most cheerful and satisfied wife and mother for a while, even as I plan a visit home to family.

Once I've set up that timeline during my best behavior, I'll be better positioned to negotiate with husband whether he wishes to join me and baby on the visit, or not.

If not, I'd take the trip without him. I'd lean into the trip to actually learn whether I'd be much happier back home or not. I'd be willing to make room for 'not'.

If not, then it's a win/win, because I'll no longer have a fantasy 'pedestal' of my old life interfering with my current ability to CREATE my happiness where I live now.

If I decide based on the trip that home really is where I long to be, I can cross that bridge based on a actual information rather than preconceived ideas.

Maybe I can negotiate with family some help with expenses to visit more often to get refreshed, even while I pursue a reinvention of a new life--with new friends, a new job, or whatever else it might take to fulfill me where everyone can get a win?

Give REALITY a fair shot and see what you can learn before inventing the highest mountain to overcome.