Dating advice required :)

[KGNA]

Hey,

So i'm a 29 year old single girl who has been single the guts of 9 years now, so basically the whole of my 20's. I'd have said the whole time i was ready for a relationship but turns out when i look back i was really unhappy with myself most of my 20's so there was no way i was going to find someone worthy of settling down with when i didnt like the way i looked. Anyway 29 now, and all my friends are settled, got kids, engaged or will so be engaged etc and to be honest thats all ive ever wanted but it just doesnt seem to happen for me and i genuinely dont know what am i doing wrong? I wouldnt even say all the guys ive gone for have been similiar cause they have not been so its not a specific type etc. A couple of the guys i have gone on dates with have said your so nice and i wouldnt want to mess you around etc but they just aint ready for anything... i just dont know what to do or what to change or where to even begin ?

I know age is just a number, but i would really like to enjoy my 30's with a partner since ive not had one in my 20's (i've had a great time just without a partner). It's not that i need a man, because i dont im happy with my own company BUT i would like one to enjoy life with. 

Has anyone been in this situation before and could maybe give some helpful advice? 

Thanks

R

[smackie9]

There can be many reasons why men seem to turn away. You should be asking people who are closest to you because they know you best.

My advice....Attracting men: a positive attitude, cheerful out going personality, quick wit, flirty, feminine look but sexy too, healthy and fit, strong eye contact, smile lots, not afraid to do light touching during a conversation, some compliments, show confidence.

To keep a man: You need to have substance.... interests/hobbies, do many different actives, independent, active life. Be able to have a conversation about most things. Spontaneous, open to try new things.

finally, try a dating coach.

[KGNA]

Thank you for you advise, I’ve tried asking friends and family and they genuinely don’t know, they think I’m a catch, I’m maybe just too nice haha! Hey more than happy to put it all into action… if I can secure dates first haha! Hard to get past the few message online nowadays 😊

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, KGNA said:

A couple of the guys i have gone on dates with have said your so nice and i wouldnt want to mess you around etc but they just aint ready for anything.

Ok, so you are getting dates and men therefore find you attractive. Nothing wrong with wanting a long term relationship.

 Do you work? Have your own place? Car? Where are you meeting men?

Make sure you have a diversified social life and ways of meeting men. This means a couple of quality dating apps with a good profile and pics.

Start talking to and meeting men for a lowkey coffee and remember that it's par for the course to deal with ghosting, fickleness, etc. and nothing personal.

Join a few clubs, groups, sports, volunteer, get a side hustle, etc.

 It's very important not to come off as husband hunting or too desperate. Be friendly, flirty etc. but take your time and think of it as you deciding on them, not them choosing you.

[DancingFool]

I'd approach dating a bit less from the "looking for long term" and more just taking it one date at a time getting to know people and figuring out what does and doesn't work for you. It's a bit like building a house - you start out by laying a good foundation and figuring what that actually is. If you get focused on all the details you want in the house, you'll just get overwhelmed.

So I'd get a good profile online and just go on dates with an open mind. Don't over chat too much before meeting. Keep initial meetings light and brief and then decide if you want to see them again or not. Don't get fixated on what he is thinking, focus on what you need to learn about him.

Also, get involved in things where single guys can be found - coed sports, hiking/outdoors groups, meetup.com may have hobby stuff like that in your area. Tennis is full of single men. So find some venues where you can meet men organically as well and see if you happen to hit it off with someone.

The good part about late 20's and 30's is that you have really good options for dating as those who went to grad schools and those who focused on getting their career going are hitting the market looking for marriage and family. So do be aware of that and don't feel like you are behind the curve or something. You are in prime pickings time.

[Rose Mosse]

47 minutes ago, KGNA said:

i was really unhappy with myself

Has this changed? 

The irony of this post is that you are still looking for things that are wrong with you. Most matches or dates don't work out. Observe people over time and let them show themselves for who they are. You're fortunate if individuals have simply told you they're not looking for the same thing. Some lie and will try to manipulate you into believing that they are also into the same thing when what they want is just sex or a more casual relationship. You'll have to be a bit sharper and plan to be more observant when dating rather than advertising broadly what you're looking for , for example. Good luck. 

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, KGNA said:

Thank you for you advise, I’ve tried asking friends and family and they genuinely don’t know, they think I’m a catch, I’m maybe just too nice haha! Hey more than happy to put it all into action… if I can secure dates first haha! Hard to get past the few message online nowadays 😊

This might not be the problem but it's just a thought.... Do you know what you're looking for? 

Or

Are you going out with any guy just because you never know? 

That can be a reasonable strategy because,  well. we don't ever know. But I think you have to be more specific in the screening process.

What is one reason you decided to go on a date with a guy? 

Focus on the reason you went on the date.... 

You can't focus on he's cute or he asked you out for 2 hours. But you could focus on a commonality... like you both like to ride bikes. Or you both like scary movies.

On these first dates, are you being confident and decisive? Or are you being polite and acting like you don't know what you like or it doesn't matter? (too nice)

Some guys need directions.

So when your being all indecisive, they are confused or bored. But when you're all...  I love strawberry ice cream and riding my bike on the local trails. They know what to do with that info. 

It could also be, you haven't met the right guy yet. It has nothing to do with you. 

Do not discount that.  There's nothing wrong with being single. Don't panic. Enjoy your life.  Whatever is happening...  Be good enough for you. 

[SooSad33]

Okay, so you have been single most of your 20's.. good 🙂 .

Now, where to start....

It takes time, as mentioned.  A guy to your preference.. or a guy who is 'your fit' doesn't just show up at your door now.

Not sure how long now you've been seeking, but it will take time, is all.

Is good that you do not just jump in with both feet or huge expectations right away.

Like DancingFool said.. is like building a house.... step by step.

So, yeah, you get out there & do things... join a singles group.  I met a few friends that way.  WE have one locally here.  Maybe join a sport.

Go out with friends to a club, or coffee shop.  Men are everywhere 😉 .

If you do dating sites, there's tons on there.  Does not mean the first one you meet is the one for you.  .. Even if you do a cpl of dates, they may shy away.  Because THEY don't feel it.

So, take your time, but keep on living!  Just because YOU are ready now, does not mean all is going to move ahead & be a success.

Deep breathes.. one day at a time...slow down ( with expectations) and let things progress slowly.

Don't lose yourself in this...quest.  😉 

 

[Kwothe28]

47 minutes ago, KGNA said:

A couple of the guys i have gone on dates with have said your so nice and i wouldnt want to mess you around

One girl told me that when you tell a guy that he is "nice" that means that he is stupid and that girls can do whatever they want and he wont get mad. And when a guy tells the same for the girl that means she is "innocent" as in didnt had any or not too many guys. Admittedly she wasnt such a nice girl but it did stick to me as that is indeed how some people are looking at the word "nice". So maybe you are giving off that "vibe". 

Also, did you resolved the look issue? Meaning are you feeling comfortable in your own body now? And are you looking to date because you want somebody or because everybody around you are already settled? What are your "strong suits"? Do you have good schools or a good job? Do you work out? Have hobbies? Are you an open or closed person? At the very end, what are you doing to actually meet guys? What kind of guys you want to meet? Dating is more then just meeting anybody. You need to know your "worth" and to able to "sell" it to the other side. And to know what you are looking in the other side. OK, for all of that you will need some experience that you didnt get through years. But for your own sake, you need to at least cover some basis and know the answers to these questions. And even to work on some of them. For example if you are a closed person you can maybe work to be more opened as in getting out of your "safezone" more and letting people getting to know you. 

[lostandhurt]

What type of guy do you go for?  What is your type?

How are you meeting men?  In real life or online or both?

Do you have your stuff together? I can't use the word I wanted to there....

How do you view yourself personality wise and physically?

Do you have a lot of friends?

Do you have a interests? 

Do you ever initiate contact?

Lost

[sadchick83]

On 9/15/2021 at 11:25 AM, smackie9 said:

My advice....Attracting men: a positive attitude, cheerful out going personality, quick wit, flirty, feminine look but sexy too, healthy and fit, strong eye contact, smile lots, not afraid to do light touching during a conversation, some compliments, show confidence.

This is great advice! A smile will draw in just about anyone and you can decide it they are worthy.  Just go out and have fun, lightly date more than one guy at a time.  This is something women don’t do, but should.  Somehow when I get asked out on a date, another guy will call for the same evening - it’s uncanny. 

You are still really young...Nothing to worry about and I honestly think it is better to meet your forever person when you are older.  People change and you will be a very different person 10, 15 and 20 years from now.

 

On 9/15/2021 at 11:25 AM, smackie9 said:

 

 

 

 

[Wise Wally]

On 9/15/2021 at 11:25 AM, smackie9 said:

My advice....Attracting men: a positive attitude, cheerful out going personality, quick wit, flirty, feminine look but sexy too, healthy and fit, strong eye contact, smile lots, not afraid to do light touching during a conversation, some compliments, show confidence.

 

I wasn't going to respond, but since it was "required", then here you go.  Smackie9 offers good advice but the one I will emphasize the most is "Smile Lots".  I swear, this is the #1 single most important thing that guys want when they are thinking with the right head.  It's the easiest thing a girl can do to show that she's interested, and that she's generally a happy person.  With that said, don't spend all of your days envying your friends with husband and kids.  Sure, they have things in life that you covet, but they also have all of the cons that go with it, like screaming babies, bickering, disagreements, toilet seats left up, etc.  Focus on the pros of your current situation and you'll stumble into the right guy before you know it.    

[smackie9]

Yes the smiling this does work. I did an experiment one day and went shopping at a smaller grocery store. I walked around the store smiling away, and guys noticed, some checked me out, some kinda followed. One guy that had horrible anxiety, walked by quickly and said hi. I say that smiling lots is an impressive tool.

[Wiseman2]

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