Broke up with GF of 4 years 1 month ago, absolutely heartbroken, should I ask for her to forgive me and try again?

[LostPhilosopher]

I've been with this amazing girl L for 4 years now.  I love her, and we have so many sweet memories together: walking down the street, her giggling laughter, her smile, watching movies together in her room...  

But alas, I was a fool.  I drove her away.  I thought she wasn't my long term partner, and I slowly grew more distant and cold over the last year until she finally could not bear it anymore and pulled away and broke up with me.  This happened a month ago.  And now, when she's gone I suddenly feel all the warmth and love I've had for her, and I want to run after her and beg her to forgive me and try again.

But I don't know if I should.  I had some strong reasons in the beginning for being distant.  Please, hear me out. 

When I met L four years ago, I knew she didn't meet my criteria for a long term partner.  In fact, out of my list of dealbreakers, she has two.  And on top of that we had incompatibilities that may (or may not) cause trouble long term.  But we were both looking for a friend with benefits, and we got along really well, so we dated casually for about 2 years. Then the pandemic hit, and not having other people in my life we quarantined together and got really close.  

But I still can't get over the fact she isn't what I would choose in a long term partner, even though I love her dearly and she loves me dearly.  And it was this doubt that made me become distant.

Here are the two deal breakers.  (I won't mention the other minor incompatibilities and minor red flags)

(1) I ways wanted a partner who was healthy and fit.  And L is significantly overweight.  We talked about this.  She knew her weight and eating habit was a problem, and she said if only I commited to her she would change.  But I had been through addictions myself, and I was doubtful an addiction could be changed for someone else.  She has to do it for herself.  I tried gently to coax her into a healthier lifestyle for over a year, but to little effect.  

(2) While I make six figures, she is unemployed and comes from a very poor background.  Her parents are divorced.  Her mom is an alcoholic.  Her dad has been unemployed for 10+ years collecting government welfare cheques and basically still playboying around dating girls.  Her sister is a young single mom.  I'm not saying this because I care for money. I don't.  But under most circumstances I would never choose a family like hers to be a part of.  In addition, being raised so differently we have some lifestyle and behavioural differences.  She is extremely loud and excitable.  I loved that in my party days when I met her as a friend with benefit, but now in my 30s settled down, I don't know how we would fit and mesh together long term.    

But I cannot deny.  At this point, after 4 years, I cannot face myself for having been with her so long, loved her so deeply, and to abandon our love for superficial reasons like "weight/health", "socioeconomic background", "personality" or "family".  But then again, my rational side tells me... are those such superficial reasons for a life partner?  I mean, if I am to commit and call her my love for the rest of my life, aren't these important areas to consider our compatibility?  If I met a random girl on the street who had two deal breakers as she does, I woudln't even ask her out on a first date.  But she is different.  Our 4 year history together makes her different.  

But at the same time our relationship had alot of good signs: we can both be our true authentic selves around each other.  We can be honest and open with each other.  We make each other happy.  We like spending time together.   I'm not sure if we share all the same core values now I no longer wish to party, but I think we still come close.  And lastly, we help each other grow, even if there's a limit to how much we each can change.

I don't know.  If I follow my heart I would run back to her.  All those happy and sweet memories of us, I cannot let them go.  And the fact we seemed to be compatible on alot of fronts.  But the thought of getting close to her and marrying her without some significant compromise from both of us deeply scares me too.  What would happen long term if I were to compromise on the values I know I want in a wife?  What if she never changes?  Is it even fair to ask someone to change that much for a relationship? 

I don't know.  As an outsider, what do you think?  Should I let go?  Do we have a chance?  Are my standards unrealistic?  We had such an amazing thing together, and for so long. We spent so much time together, and grew so much as people.  And our relationship had alot of healthy signs too.  Maybe it's worth fighting for?

[Cherylyn]

That ship has sailed.  Both of you are incompatible.  Both of you are not long term partners for each other.   Let her go and allow both of you to truly move on.  Don't bother her. 

[lachrymoose]

I very strongly related to this. I recently underwent a very similar situation with similar reservations regarding the relationship's long-term potential. I am still working through it all but I think I can offer helpful feedback.

A month is not a lot of time to recover from a 4 year relationship so I would not suggest going back to her until you figure out what it is that you want. It probably feels like she's what you want now because you're so comfortable with her. Most people would rightfully say that if you didn't appreciate her while you had her then it will probably recur once/if you get her back. I think it's largely true, barring some huge epiphany that you want to change and can't imagine a life without her. If you're unsure of what you should do, then the answer is that you shouldn't go back.

Take some time for yourself and try to see other people. Dating will help break some of the associations you have with her. Who knows... maybe a few years down the road you'll reconnect and be different people and it will work out much better but going back now would be forcing a square peg into a round hole. Good luck.

[Kwothe28]

36 minutes ago, LostPhilosopher said:

Are my standards unrealistic?

To not be significantly overweight and has a job and good family background? That is not some unrealistic standards to have. Both of those issues will create a problem in the long run. You maybe accepted her(I would even say settled for her and got used to her) but in the long run you couldnt deal with that. Because it does bother you. Lots of people grow during relationship under the influence of partner. Become more healthy, more mature, stuff like that. Lots of people even "rise above" bad family background and dont become them. However in her case, that wont happen. In 4 years she is still overweight and has no job at all. You say she grow but I fail to see it there. If in 4 years she asks commitment so she could lose weight and be more healthy, its just an excuse. So, leave her alone and find somebody who will be up to that standards. 

[MissCanuck]

You don't love her, OP. 

I think you miss her company and would like a partner, but you know she is not the one for you. The same issues would arise if you made the mistake of trying to get back together. 

Don't do that to yourself, or to her. You are really not right for each other.

[Tinydance]

Well this is just my opinion but it's probably also because I basically don't care about people's body size and I'm chubby myself. I've dated obese people as well as people so skinny that their ribs really showed. Just to me personally someone's body size doesn't matter because the actual person, who they are, is not the body but inside that body. To me yes that one reason seems shallow but if to you it's important then that's fine.

Also you said you've been an addict yourself in the past so I don't think you are really in a place to judge. You are speaking about fitness and health but how could you have been healthy if you were an addict? It's not like you're perfect.

I might add though that some people are just naturally big but some people do actually eat really bad and they're big as a result of that. If my partner only ate garbage then yes it would be off putting. I think I would be looking at WHY they are overweight. If they just naturally are or have some kind of illness, for example polycystic ovarian syndrome, then it would be not completely in their control.

I understand what you're saying about her family. If you want kids then yes it makes sense you'd be worried about the alcoholism running in the family and so on. But I think you also need to think about the fact that everyone actually has flaws, undesirable people in the family and something genetic that may be not completely great. For example, my Dad's father and my Mum's brother were alcoholics. I'm sure you have something in your family too.

When I date someone my primary focus is on who THEY are as a person. They are an adult and even people from a poorer background can make something of themselves in life. The problem is that L doesn't work and that's her own decision. It's her responsibility as an adult to work and I'm guessing she just doesn't want to? This actually would be a big deal breaker for me and I totally agree with you on that. It's not attractive when someone doesn't do anything with themselves in life.

I think what you might want to consider is whether the good in L and your relationship outweighs the bad. You can look for other women but they would still have flaws. Everyone does. I think you need to think about what you'd be willing to overlook and what you simply can't overlook. These things are subjective so that's up to you how you feel about them.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately there's still quite a long list of complaints about her and your feelings of superiority.

Let it go. You used her,it was easy for you and now she's gone.

You're freighted that the supermodels won't be lining up in her wake. You'll have to face some facts and reality now.

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there's still quite a long list of complaints about her and your feelings of superiority.

Let it go. You used her,it was easy for you and now she's gone.

You're freighted that the supermodels won't be lining up in her wake. You'll have to face some facts and reality now.

Love this

[SooSad33]

It is normal to 'miss someone' when you two split up.

Is that reason to run back to them? No.

It takes time to adjust & accept such a change.

But, is obvious that you've been thinking on all of this for a while now. You are truly not as happy as you feel you could be.

Yes, these issue's you feel are not right, just aren't, for you.

Problem is, is you've hung around a little too long.

I say you remain at a distance and keep moving ahead now.

Give yourself some time.. to work through this experience and hopefully, next time, you don't just sit in it, accepting or tolerating something you truly don't feel is for you.

 

[mical]

Sounds like you made a decision you regret.

 

Many couples will get in fights and have a break up or a “fake breakup”

 

Sure give it a try again and learn from past mistakes. You have nothing to lose.

 

[abitbroken]

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well this is just my opinion but it's probably also because I basically don't care about people's body size and I'm chubby myself. I've dated obese people as well as people so skinny that their ribs really showed. Just to me personally someone's body size doesn't matter because the actual person, who they are, is not the body but inside that body. To me yes that one reason seems shallow but if to you it's important then that's fine.

not everyone needs to be a size 0 obviously.  But yes, its incompatibility if one person is so morbidly obese that the other person fears they will just drop dead one day.