How to support a friend with mental illness?

[yellowhibiscus]

I have a friend who I have known for about 10 years now. She has always been pretty happy, kind, upbeat, and fun to be around. About 3 years ago, she and her husband separated and are now divorced. It's been a really, really rough time for her. For the first year, she was a wreck as I'm sure anyone that heart broken would be. She has been receiving counseling weekly since then but I have been very worried and concerned about her as time goes on as she seems to be regressing. She perseverates on her ex, has admitted stalking him and things have become physical between the two in the past. She was even arrested because she showed up at his house and there was another woman there which led to an altercation. Her phone calls to me can last anywhere up to 3 hours and the entire time she is perseverating on him- what she thinks he is doing, who he might be dating, etc. and paranoid thoughts have been developing- thinks he is spying on her, sending other people to follow her (even places that are 50 miles away), listening to her conversations on her phone, and is plotting to take her children away from her. When we spend time in public there have been times that she suddenly will stop and look around and become quiet as if she is worried someone is watching. She thinks that everyone has connections with her ex and that they are all out to get her. She has been unemployed for a few reasons (childcare issues during covid) but she has admitted to me that she will turn down jobs because she is afraid that someone at her potential work place will have connections with her ex. It is so bad, that I feel myself dreading to answer the phone and I avoid her calls.  Family members of hers have distanced themselves as well. I have tried to speak up and tell her that I really don't think he is capable of doing any of these things (I mean I think he's a cheating jerk but don't think he is a psychopath) and if it is really true, then she should document everything and contact the police. I'm not an expert on psychological disorders or mental illness but it's seeming more and more like this is what is happening here. I have suggested talking to her doctor about getting some medication to atleast help with the anxiety but she refuses because she is worried that it will make her feel worse. I feel like I am being a horrible friend because I just can't listen to her go on with the paranoid thoughts anymore and she is not doing anything to try to make her situation better.   I'm worried that if I say something to her about it, she will think that I don't believe her and will cut herself off from me. She needs help and I'm not sure what to do. 

[1a1a]

Become a broken record. ‘Friend I love you dearly but I can’t hear about this subject anymore. Have you considered speaking to your mental healthcare professional about it? (If she says yes tell her she might need to find a different one as the current one doesn’t seem to be making progress in bringing her to an even keel). I’ll talk to you about anything else’. Make that boundary and enforce it every time you speak.
 

If you feel like it, you could change it to ‘I can’t talk about this ad infinitum with you anymore. I recommend making use of the mental health professional and I’m down for 5 minutes of vent per catch but after that we have to change the subject. ‘ if she won’t respect the subject change leave ‘friend I’ve told you I’m at my absolute limit for this subject and you’re still laying it on me so I’m going to leave for today, let’s try again next time’.

 

Just one thing if the ex is a cheater he maybe would do more awful, manipulative things, best not to say anything one way or the other on that. I invalidated a friend going through an awful time when she was ragging on her brother but she had to live with him, she knows him best. If I was wrong then she had that invalidation from me on top of everything . 

[SooSad33]

SAd :/.. she is struggling.

Like it went from an Obsession over him to some sort pf paranoia.

Yeah, something's not right.. and poor you is struggling along and being emotionally drained, right?

There's only so much you can do, but for sure, self care is needed for yourself here!  Avoid if you must.. cut down contact access.

I wonder if you should voice your concerns to her therapist?  And if she is really irate, you can send police over to 'check' on her.  they can do that, just to make sure she isn't of a danger to herself or others.

I do hope she will consider something if it is anxiety.. Maybe try to inform her some things for anxiety are fine!  they can help relieve her some.. I took some each night (ativan) for a cpl of yrs.. until I felt a little better & had ongoing therapy for 4 yrs... So, I hope things can improve for her as well over time.

[Cherylyn]

Google "energy vampire."  Your friends vacuums and drains you.  Learn to enforce healthy boundaries, distance yourself politely yet firmly.  Don't let her take advantage of your kind heart.  Tell her to seek professional help (psychologist or therapist) and if she cuts you off, so be it.  It's her loss and your gain so you can have peace and quiet.

[Seraphim]

Tell her you won’t speak about this topic anymore. If she persists shut her down, hang up, change the topic repeatedly. Tell her this is for her and a therapist . 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, yellowhibiscus said:

. She was even arrested because she showed up at his house and there was another woman there which led to an altercation. 

You need to distance yourself from this. Stop enabling her by listening for hours.

When you step out of the picture, she'll get the help she needs.

By entertaining her paranoia by "being a friend", you're encouraging her to simply go on and on.

You're also endangering yourself by being this close to someone who has a propensity for violence.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're playing with fire.

[MissCanuck]

Agree with the others - put down the phone when she starts up with this. Do not listen for hours on end. 

Instead of reassuring her that her ex isn't capable of these things (because she isn't capable of really hearing and accepting that right now anyway), continue to direct her to a doctor. If she persists, don't be so quick to take her calls.  

You are right to be concerned about her, as this sounds a lot deeper than pain over the divorce, but you actually are not helping her by listening to this all the time. You're giving her an outlet to continue in this looped and paranoid thinking, and it's certainly not fair to you either. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Agree. Boundaries will help and you have great examples above.

If she stops talking to you when setting good boundaries, don't be surprised. She might not be that much of a great friend.

[LoveConquersAll]

On 8/28/2021 at 9:18 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You need to distance yourself from this. Stop enabling her by listening for hours.

When you step out of the picture, she'll get the help she needs.

By entertaining her paranoia by "being a friend", you're encouraging her to simply go on and on.

You're also endangering yourself by being this close to someone who has a propensity for violence.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're playing with fire.

All of this (emphasis on the bolded).

[Batya33]

I have a female friend who I met through a message board almost 20 years ago -and met in person once - who has developed a very specific mental disorder over the last year or so.  The last time we spoke it was all about her paranoia about this specific situation.  I was really uncomfortable and felt a bit helpless.  If I suggest what I would like to she'll think I'm one of the bad guys. 

I've chosen to distance myself.  She is not alone, has a husband and a wonderful daughter who cares about her.  I am in touch with her sister but also decided not to talk to her sister (who is one of the bad guys -according to my friend). I struggle with whether to do more.  But she's across the country, I'm not a doctor or therapist, and talking to her sister -who I've never met in person but spoken to a number of times - may backfire because it's a bit of gossip and I don't want it getting back to my friend. 

There is no easy answer. If my friend reaches out again to me I'll take the call but not for hours again, and not where she's sending me photos of "evidence". 

If my listening and support like that would help I would do it as I do for a dear friend with an eating disorder and now a terminally ill husband.  She interacts with me appropriately -doesn't treat me like a therapist (she is one and has one), and thanks me for listening and doesn't overreach/overwhelm.  We are true friends.  Figure out if this is still a friendship or more like therapist-patient/sounding board more often than not.  Again no easy answer but in your case I personally would distance myself.