How to stop obsessing about the past

[Concernedcitizen4311]

5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Same here, Ms.C. I can neither relate to or even understand that mindset. Why on earth would it "bother" me. You break up with someone, and you each go on your merry way, and no doubt find someone else. Thing is, OP, and from what you say, you remained obsessed with her, and she was in the same company, and in your mind you never "broke up".  

Again this is beside the point, as there is a very different and large elephant in the room. 

Well no I understand we broke up, it's just the whole time I thought we were with the same number of people and I recently discovered there was someone else for her as well. It is hard for me to handle for some reason, just creates pain inside me.

As far as the same company thing, I would hear of her from time to time but we didn't speak for the 2 years so I had feelings for but wouldn't say obsession.

I briefly dated someone and was sexual with them during this time as well, it just wasn't someone I had a connection with. I struggled to find someone I could connect with, was going on more than a few dates in the past year but nothing that seemed substantial. Then when I started talking to my ex again the chemistry was instant and my feelings for her just started flooding back I truly adore her.

[LaHermes]

"I truly adore her". 

Listen to me. Humans are not gods, to be adored.  Even gods can turn out to have feet of clay.

So, again, all I can say is keep going if this is what you want.  

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Concernedcitizen4311 said:

 it just makes me feel uneven and I wonder if I'd have been with 1 more girl would that make me feel better

Well that's about score keeping and ego, so you'll have to keep that in check.

Next time remember that someone's past sexual history is none of your business nor are playing truth-or-dare games about numbers etc.

The larger issue is pursuing an on/off relationship with someone whose mental status you worry about.

[Concernedcitizen4311]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well that's about score keeping and ego, so you'll have to keep that in check.

Next time remember that someone's past sexual history is none of your business nor are playing truth-or-dare games about numbers etc.

The larger issue is pursuing an on/off relationship with someone whose mental status you worry about.

You're right and I understand my mindset toward it is juvenile, I'm just looking for tips to help me with that so I can look at it how you guys are describing.

And I'm not worried about her mental status, as I've said it was bad when we dated years ago but she now seems to have it under control. Her bipolar has not had any effects on our current relationship. I will be on the lookout for similar behavior but everything is perfect currently.

If anything I'm the one exhibiting problematic behaviors with the scenario I'm posting about.

[Unsure2021]

OP, you seem pretty self-aware and I don’t think you’re necessarily childish but maybe disappointed. This feeling can make us feel sad and even if logically you know it makes no sense, your feelings don’t need to make sense. Just listen to them and accept them. It’s normal to be disappointed when someone’s actions reveal to us that we may not know them as well as we thought or that maybe their feelings for us weren’t that deep. 
 

You obviously care a lot about this woman and it seems she moved on a bit quicker than you, or was a bit more experimental. This may also have to do with her condition. Maybe you feel gypped and like you lost out a bit sexually, and have some fomo. If it continues to bother you, try writing down why. What are you making it mean? Is this extra sex partner a symbol of an imbalance in the relationship for you or are you looking for something to sabotage this otherwise ‘perfect’ relationship? A therapist may also help. Try and relax and enjoy your relationship.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Concernedcitizen4311 said:

it's just the whole time I thought we were with the same number of people

You need to get the bottom of why this is so important to you. 

[Concernedcitizen4311]

2 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

OP, you seem pretty self-aware and I don’t think you’re necessarily childish but maybe disappointed. This feeling can make us feel sad and even if logically you know it makes no sense, your feelings don’t need to make sense. Just listen to them and accept them. It’s normal to be disappointed when someone’s actions reveal to us that we may not know them as well as we thought or that maybe their feelings for us weren’t that deep. 
 

You obviously care a lot about this woman and it seems she moved on a bit quicker than you, or was a bit more experimental. This may also have to do with her condition. Maybe you feel gypped and like you lost out a bit sexually, and have some fomo. If it continues to bother you, try writing down why. What are you making it mean? Is this extra sex partner a symbol of an imbalance in the relationship for you or are you looking for something to sabotage this otherwise ‘perfect’ relationship? A therapist may also help. Try and relax and enjoy your relationship.

I feel like it is a symbol of imbalance but I'm smart enough to realize it's not and I'm just bugging. This news is fresh and I'm thinking I'll be more logical about it in time. Numbers shouldn't matter and I think I'm just fixating for some reason. I try to imagine if I wasn't with anyone during the time we were apart I'd probably feel 10 times worse even though these were my decisions. I'm spending time with her today and I honestly love the hell out of this woman so I'm just gonna have to deal because there's no way I'm letting her go. 

[DancingFool]

The problem is that you are treating sex and sexual experience as a competition AND you see your partner not as someone on your team, but as your competition. This attitude will bleed into other areas of your relationship as well and it's destructive to relationships.

Imagine playing on a team where your teammates hit you in the knees so you don't score? That's the mentality you are taking into this relationship.

So, somehow or other, you need to learn to step away from this competitive mindset and start seeing her as a partner and not as a competitor who is against you.

Btw, it's not juvenile, it's pretty common. We are all competitive by nature and it's important to learn to differentiate and compartmentalize who is and isn't your competition and who you should and shouldn't be competing against. Your romantic partner is your partner, never someone you compete against. Keep that to work or sports. If you have a competitive nature, it's just something you have to learn to manage by willpower and self-awareness and having healthy outlets for it like a sport.

[Usa1ah]

On 8/23/2021 at 4:04 PM, Concernedcitizen4311 said:

I get that but she seems to really have gotten that under control and even if she hasn't, just her working on it and not treating me badly due to it is enough for me

It is a illusion that she has it under control. I have no clue why but women that are bipolar cheat or break up just to have sex with someone else. There are so many stories of this happening. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

 women that are bipolar cheat or break up just to have sex with someone else. 

Are you a licensed psychiatrist? Where are you coming up with this horse crap?

[Concernedcitizen4311]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you a licensed psychiatrist? Where are you coming up with this horse crap?

Yeah I appreciate all the responses, some very helpful stuff but there def seems to be a narrative against dating anyone with bipolar. I almost regret including that in my original post because it seems to have taken away focus from my original question.

I understand this mental condition can cause erratic behavior but like I said she has been amazing since we've reconnected, much more mature and compassionate. I'm just trying to not think about the past and start fresh with her from here. It's not like she cheated on me we were apart for 2 years that's a long time and I just have to remind myself of that from time to time. I try to think of it like what if I married someone and was with them for years and she dated multiple people and then we found each other later in life, I couldn't have any gripes with that so why bicker about this. I have a very weird way of looking at things and mindset and sometimes I just have to ease my mind.

But I absolutely love this person and want them in my life.

[LaHermes]

14 minutes ago, Concernedcitizen4311 said:

there def seems to be a narrative against dating anyone with bipolar.

With good reason, OP.  And it is the only focus. 

I will conclude and say no more, just quoting this from the Mayo Clinic (a reliable professional institution)

Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.

Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:

Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired

Increased activity, energy or agitation

Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)

Decreased need for sleep

Unusual talkativeness

Racing thoughts

Distractibility

Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

[Usa1ah]

On 8/25/2021 at 10:06 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Are you a licensed psychiatrist? Where are you coming up with this horse crap?

Before you call someone a liar, you should do some reading and talk with a psychiatrist, a therapist or a counselor. 
 

Or you can talk with several betrayed spouses that where told this by their own psychiatrist, therapist or counselor. 
 

So you can take your horse *** and shove it back up your ass. 

[Usa1ah]

There are medications to help those that are bipolar. The problem is they don’t always stay on them. 
 

My uncle is bipolar and one of the greatest individuals I know when on his meds. Then he starts thinking he doesn’t need the meds anymore. Then he will simply disappear. 
 

The question is this, are you willing to put the work into the relationship only to have it exploded in your face one day possibly?

[Concernedcitizen4311]

On 8/25/2021 at 11:18 AM, LaHermes said:

With good reason, OP.  And it is the only focus. 

I will conclude and say no more, just quoting this from the Mayo Clinic (a reliable professional institution)

Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.

Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:

Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired

Increased activity, energy or agitation

Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)

Decreased need for sleep

Unusual talkativeness

Racing thoughts

Distractibility

Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

Well you were 100 percent right my friend, along with many people in my life. Everything was going fine for months and then in October she starter getting flaky, fighting with me for no reason, personality switching one day she loved me next day she hated me and would verbally degrade me until we fought and broke up.

 Then we decided to remain friends with benefits which was also a terrible idea as I thought this would lead to us getting back together. Instead she would tell me she wasn't messing with anyone when I pretty much found out she is, she won't admit it but all the evidence is there. I'm pretty sure it's her ex, and I confronted him about it which seemed to ignite their flame even more. Now I'm all alone, probably more broken-hearted than ever seeing as this relationship started so beautifully in the summer I really thought it was the real deal.

I should've listened, I dunno if it's the bipolar or if she's just a terrible person, probably a mix of both. I was so good to her this time around I did everything I could to make sure she was happy, now she treats me like a complete stranger.

I know the right thing to do is no contact and move on but I'm just so addicted to this girl even after all the *** she put me through. It's like I hate her but I love her at the same time. I'm so depressed I've been calling out of work, skipping the gym, not eating, I'm totally obsessed. Truly don't know what to do at this point.

[boltnrun]

Please see your doctor and tell her or him how you're feeling. You can ask for a referral to a professional who can help you.

Also, it's vital you cut off all contact with this woman. She will continue to drag you down. This is key. 

[Tinydance]

Well, I think it's fine to feel whatever you feel because we can't control our feelings. What we can control though is what we do with those feelings and how we act. 

I don't think that how many people someone slept with or dated is a competition. Everyone's life is different, how many people we meet or like may differ from person to person. As you said yourself, previously you were with one girl for ten years and you were monogamous. So obviously you had ten years where you couldn't actually date or sleep with more than one woman.

I think jealousy is a normal reaction because we're human. I think if you really want to be with this girl though then you need to try to get past it. It's understandable she's starting to get defensive when you question her to be honest. She didn't really do anything wrong because when she was seeing other guys, she was single. She was broken up with the previous guy and then met a new guy. And what happened was in the past so there's nothing she can actually do about it now and she can't change anything. So to be questioned about it too much would understandably make her feel frustrated.

You asked would you go back to this person and you love them and have a connection. Just me personally, yes I would. I'm 36, nearly 37 years old and I know as you get older it's really hard to find someone. If you really feel like you connecy strongly and you never felt that with anyone else, why not give it another try. Yes she's been with more guys than you have women but I don't think that really makes any difference.

[boltnrun]

20 hours ago, Concernedcitizen4311 said:

she starter getting flaky, fighting with me for no reason, personality switching one day she loved me next day she hated me and would verbally degrade me until we fought and broke up.

@TinydanceI have to disagree. Based on the history and the most recent update (from which I got the quote above), I think giving it another try (which he's already done per the most recent update) isn't a great idea.

I think whatever you need to do, OP, to move past this and leave this woman behind is the best idea. You're struggling and it's BECAUSE of her. She isn't the solution.

[glitrnglobetrtr]

OP, this isn’t a matter of whether you are hung up on her past. This sounds like rumination over an irrational fear or narrative that your brain is stuck on. You said you have OCD and this is classic OCD tendency. 

I also want to mention that I know several people - friends of my own and in my profession - who are in loving and lasting relationships that have mental health problems. Many of which have been diagnosed as bipolar. You ARE able to have a loving relationship with someone that has mental illness. The general consensus on this forum I feel like is “oh mental illness? RUN” - that is judgemental and aiding in prolonging this negative stigma surrounding mental health  

You love her, you say everything is going well - that’s amazing and I am happy that you were able to reconnect as so many don’t receive a second chance like that.

OCD is also known as the doubting disease. Anytime you are happy, it will insidiously make its way into your brain, latch onto the most irrational of thoughts and amplify them where you will feel like you need to seek reassurance. I highly encourage you to seek help on this (or even start with google to better understand). If people here would have said “yes let the past go, i wouldn’t care about the number” then it’s likely your anxiety would have been kept at bay, your OCD reassured, until it latched onto something else.

 

There is nothing wrong with her.

There is nothing wrong with you.

If you are both healthy in the sense where you work on yourselves and the relationship and are mindful of it - well then there is nothing wrong with that relationship or love. 

So, I get it. 

And don’t allow people here to try and tell you your why in coming here and asking the questions you asked. 

There is no elephant in the room. 

People with mental health issues, deserve happiness and love - just like anyone else. 

 

Wishing you strength - you got this. 

 

 

[Batya33]

When I see the advice to run it's almost always because the person with the disorder is not taking care of him or herself or self-medicating with alcohol, etc  - it's not about "deserving" to have a romantic relationship or marriage -it's about whether the person is willing to do the work/put in the effort to have a healthful relationship with another person.  My dad was bipolar and suffered from depression and was hospitalized. It made for an extremely difficult childhood.  For my mom and his family he stayed on his meds, went to therapy and also went to the hopsital when needed although that was of course harder for him to accept.  Had he not done those things I would have totally supported my mom in leaving him or not marrying him (she knew before they married -they were married 60 years before he died)

I think people with disabilities deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I don't think anyone deserves marriage or to be loved in the context of a romantic relationship.  I don't think anyone should be in a relationship with anyone else out of a sense of obligation except parent-child I suppose.  "I'm not comfortable/happy with this person but because he has a disability he deserves to be loved and I will be that person".  Not a healthy perspective IMO.

[boltnrun]

Old thread revived 9 months later.

[glitrnglobetrtr]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Old thread revived 9 months later.

this thread was on the front page. 🤔 

 

[glitrnglobetrtr]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think people with disabilities deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I don't think anyone deserves marriage or to be loved in the context of a romantic relationship.  I don't think anyone should be in a relationship with anyone else out of a sense of obligation except parent-child I suppose.  "I'm not comfortable/happy with this person but because he has a disability he deserves to be loved and I will be that person".  Not a healthy perspective IMO.

Definitely don’t believe people should be with others out of a sense of obligation. I completely agree. 

But there are so many relationships that do just fine despite people dealing with mental health issues. 

And - I don’t believe that people were saying that they were unhappy / uncomfortable…

Also, there are so many other reasons why people can be unhappy or uncomfortable in a relationship. It isn’t always about the other persons anxiety, depression, etc. It is something that’s manageable. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, glitrnglobetrtr said:

Also, there are so many other reasons why people can be unhappy or uncomfortable in a relationship. It isn’t always about the other persons anxiety, depression, etc. It is something that’s manageable. 

Yes it is manageable if the person who has the issue that impedes daily functioning is taking responsibility for treating it whether through therapy, meds, a combination -some other method.  It's not just about being unhappy or uncomfortable.  Chemical depression can result in that person not being able to work, not being able to be part of child rearing or taking care of elderly parents, not being able to get out of bed, being abusive, etc.  Of course there are many other reasons a relationship might have troubles.  When it results from one person's mental illness and it's because  that person cannot function normally in daily life, that often will be the end of the relationship unless that person chooses to take actions to improve their mental health so they can function in a relationship.