Expectations and reality

[Annie1990]

My husband is always severely disappointed in my because I can't meet his expectations sexually he's a recovering porn addict 

We have drastically different beliefs on what a healthy sex life in a marriage is supposed to be

And I have really bad shoulder and neck problems .. I'm waiting for a real diagnosis but it looks like a mixture of pulled or torn muscles definitely arthritis and possibly a disk problem in my neck

My husband still needs to get off every day like he's a teenager and He's 34

I don't agree with masterbation in a marriage so the full responsibility of his sexual satisfaction falls on me

But he mostly wants oral sex.... Every single day

I keep trying to tell him he take doesn't need to get off every single day

I've told him how much pain I'm in

He hates as constantly adjusting himself trying to find a better position for me to take care of his needs in

It hurts almost no matter what position im in

I'm sick of doing it

We're both sick of fighting over it

If I don't do it well enough for enough days in a row he will just masterbate behind my back which I refuse to live with

I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to help him see good expectations are unrealistic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LaHermes]

5 minutes ago, Annie1990 said:

We have drastically different beliefs on what a healthy sex life in a marriage is supposed to be

Were you aware of his proclivities before you married this man? Btw there is nothing wrong with masturbation in or out of marriage. 

Btw, what in your view is a "healthy" sex life?

 

7 minutes ago, Annie1990 said:

We're both sick of fighting over it

Then it is time to reach a decision, Annie. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Annie1990 said:

I'm sick of doing it. We're both sick of fighting over it

He is not owed BJs. You are not responsible for his proclivities and releasing him every day.

 Your stance on masturbation, however is part of the problem.

 Compromise. You rest, he gets himself off. Win-Win.

[waffle]

2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

. . . there is nothing wrong with masturbation in or out of marriage. 

 

AMEN!!  Let the man masturbate for heaven's sakes!

[Rose Mosse]

You both don’t seem to respect each others’ needs or are very mismatched. Is this marriage salvageable? 
 

[melancholy123]

About your neck, go see a chiropractor!  I have a great chiro and he's adjusted my neck (and other areas) several times with success.

You dont have to blow your husband every day unless you want to.  He can take care of things himself.  I think your stance on masturbation is part of your problem.

[lostandhurt]

What are your misgivings about masturbation? 

Let's say you were physically unable to be intimate with him at all as you recovered from a car wreck and it took 2 years to be all good again.  Would he have to wait or would it be okay if he took care of himself?

Lost

[LaHermes]

"Touching yourself to produce sexual pleasure, according to many religious doctrines, is harmful—both spiritually and physically. John Wesley, the founder of Methodist Christianity, preached that masturbation caused nervous disorders and madness. Ellen Gould White, the founder of Seventh Day Adventism, disparaged masturbation as “vice.” The Catholic Church currently castigates masturbation as “an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” Jehovah’s Witnesses teach that masturbation is a "form of uncleanness” that can be " mentally corrupting.” Among the Mormons, Jains, Sikhs, Orthodox Jews, Buddhist monks, and most schools of Islam, sexual self-pleasure is strictly forbidden."

(From an Article by Phil Zuckerman. Ph.D.)

Maybe this is why the OP is so opposed to masturbation. 

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Annie1990 said:

I don't agree with masterbation in a marriage

Why?  Do you consider it cheating or something?

[melancholy123]

2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

"Touching yourself to produce sexual pleasure, according to many religious doctrines, is harmful—both spiritually and physically. John Wesley, the founder of Methodist Christianity, preached that masturbation caused nervous disorders and madness. Ellen Gould White, the founder of Seventh Day Adventism, disparaged masturbation as “vice.” The Catholic Church currently castigates masturbation as “an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” Jehovah’s Witnesses teach that masturbation is a "form of uncleanness” that can be " mentally corrupting.” Among the Mormons, Jains, Sikhs, Orthodox Jews, Buddhist monks, and most schools of Islam, sexual self-pleasure is strictly forbidden."

(From an Article by Phil Zuckerman. Ph.D.)

Maybe this is why the OP is so opposed to masturbation. 

This is such a load of bullsh*t.  

[SherrySher]

Why don't you allow him to masturbate? 😕

In fact "allow" is odd to say, because it is his body and masturbating is a natural thing, he should be masturbating without having to report back to you, or being scolded on if it's okay, or not.

Please stop controlling him to this degree, otherwise you're going to be headed to divorce court.

If he has a over than average appetite for sex, and you're not well, then he should be masturbating, no doubt about it!

OP, you're not his mother nor his master, you need to ease up and stop these restrictions.

It's just plain wrong for you to try to control him like this.

[Fudgie]

Satisfying yourself sexually (masturbation or otherwise) is a real need. He's not entitled to sex (oral or penetrative) with you everyday but you also are not entitled to police what he does with his body on his own time that is of no consequence to you. 

You heal up, he wacks off. 

[Tinydance]

Are you religious or from a culture where masturbation is frowned upon? Most people actually think that masturbation is normal. Personally I wouldn't even date someone who doesn't allow me to masturbate because it would be very clear that we have VERY different views on sex and for that reason the relationship wouldn't actually work. You married your husband knowing that he likes to watch porn and to masturbate (most people masturbate) so you made that choice yourself.

I think it's not fair to deny a person their sexual needs and wants (unless they're illegal). For example, I was talking to a guy on online dating who wanted  BDSM relationship and he was a dom. I wasn't interested in BDSM so I just stopped talking to him. If I married him but said he can't do BDSM that would be really unfair because he told me right from the start what his sexual needs were.

I'm not sure what you mean by your husband is "addicted to porn". Is he really addicted to it, or he just likes to watch it? I think that watching porn sometimes and masturbating is fine. There's a difference between just watching porn every now and then and actually being addicted to it.

You also have to keep in mind that people can have very different sex drives. I'm actually a woman and I'm 36 so I'm not that young. I have a high sex drive and I watch porn and masturbate regularly. I think comments like "you don't need to get off" every day aren't fair because maybe some people DO need to get off every day if they have a high sex drive.

The only thing I see wrong with this picture is that if all your husband expects is blow jobs, that's selfish. He should be doing oral sex and other things for you too. Does he do that? If not then you have a problem there that your husband is self absorbed and only worries about himself.

I think you wouldn't find many people  (especially men) who don't masturbate. Unless maybe they were asexual or very religious. 

 

[Rose Mosse]

Or, it may be the OP’s experiences and past trauma or issues, nothing to do with religion or faith. 

[LaHermes]

10 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

This is such a load of bullsh*t.  

LOL.  I fully agree.  The rest of the article refutes these crazy ideas. But crazy or not, there are people who live by such ideas. I know men/boys who were educated at Catholic secondary schools where they were told that if they masturbated hair would grow on the palms of their hands. LMAO.  Or worse still that they'd go blind, or their toenails would fall out.  Madness. 

[Tinydance]

27 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

LOL.  I fully agree.  The rest of the article refutes these crazy ideas. But crazy or not, there are people who live by such ideas. I know men/boys who were educated at Catholic secondary schools where they were told that if they masturbated hair would grow on the palms of their hands. LMAO.  Or worse still that they'd go blind, or their toenails would fall out.  Madness. 

Hey I rather be hairy like a gorilla than stop masturbating 😜