Should I trust my gut or should I trust what my partner tells me?

[Melt93]

So this a long a story but the background behind is the reason I am so unsure.

so around 2 and half years ago I met this man let’s call him b, I was his manager at the time. I valued my job but in out line of work we would end up doing 12 hours shifts together just the two of us. Over time we grew close. And couldn’t deny that it was more than a professional relationship and we were both developing feelings. B is a widow and quite a bit older than I am. However before anything developed between him and I. I fell pregnant with my long term ex after one lonely night. I explained this to b and he accepted it and said he still wanted to give us a chance but to keep it a secret until I went on may leave so neither of us had to stop working. 
he told me he had been in a long distance relationship with a lady let’s from German but that was over. 
b lives and hour away from me.

my due date was 7 days away and b phoned me and said he was going to Portugal. 
when he got back baby was born and we made arrangements for me to go see him and meet baby. When I got there his flight info was on the kitchen side it said hr had flown to Germany. 
I immediately showed him and said I thought you went to Portugal. He turned things to me saying I shouldn’t have looked. Said it was all to much with the baby and decided he didn’t want the relationship anymore. 
We got back together after 6 weeks and everything was good. I was still questioning if he had told the truth but  had no reason to doubt he had been to both. He said he was still in contact with the lady from Germany occasionally like at Christmas and birthdays. However I have a gut feeling this is again half the truth. The reason for this feeling is in more than one occasion when I have been to visit him I have come across letters from her telling him how much she loves him and misses him. Everytime he has said something along the lines of he can’t control what she said and then get angry I saw this. Even tho they are just sitting on the kitchen side. If her name comes up on his phone which he keeps very secretive he will quickly try to ensure I don’t see it. We don’t have a lot of time together with him being an hour away and me having three children. My older children are 7 and 9 and he wants to start coming to my house after nearly two years it would seem like the most logical next step. However I still have a gut feeling he is lying to me about the woman from Germany and perhaps there is more to it. I know she is in a different country but it to me if he is still having a long distance relationship whatever that may entail this is a deception. I have callled him out on this and explained my doubts about him getting to know my children whilst I have these doubts. He says I’m paranoid because of my past and I need to trust him. 
I found a letter less than a week ago and it has her contact details on. I have considered contacting her. If he is lying to us both then she should know. And if I am being paranoid I can put this all to bed and let him be part of my family and maybe get myself some help from my past. 
I really don’t know whether I should contact her. I don’t think if he found out regardless of what she says he would forgive me for contacting her. But I also don’t feel I can let him get to know my children if I have any doubt. 

any advice would be welcome as I’m going round in circles in my head 

[smackie9]

Ya stop seeing this guy. End of problem. Oh and BTW girl in Germany won't believe you...remember he talked circles around you.

[SooSad33]

12 minutes ago, Melt93 said:

The reason for this feeling is in more than one occasion when I have been to visit him I have come across letters from her telling him how much she loves him and misses him. Everytime he has said something along the lines of he can’t control what she said and then get angry I saw this. Even tho they are just sitting on the kitchen side. If her name comes up on his phone which he keeps very secretive he will quickly try to ensure I don’t see it.

Sorry 😕 , But I am sure all of this is saying plenty, isn't it?

When you  figured out he has gone to see her, you knew then.. Was maybe best to stop all at that point!

Nooo, never cross the lines & contact her.  YOU know enough already.

You back off and focus on YOU & your kids!

Let the guy go to deal with his miss in the other Country!

Avoid any more hurt & drama with this dude.. he is not emotionally available for you... or in any sense. 😕 

[melancholy123]

Always trust your gut.  This guy needs to be kicked to the curb today.  He's liar and a sneak.  Stop selling yourself short.

[Melt93]

It should be that easy shouldn’t it. But is it wrong I want the truth. I feel I need to know for sure. I have been cheated on before and he is convincing me that I am putting him under the same umbrella as my ex and reading to much into a friendship. 

[Andrina]

27 minutes ago, Melt93 said:

f her name comes up on his phone which he keeps very secretive he will quickly try to ensure I don’t see it.

If he was serious about building a life with you, he would sever ties with a past love interest. She's not in his past. He keeps her in his present. He gets to have convenient intimate times with you, who lives closer, and also gets to keep his faraway love for fun trip nookie and ego strokes with love letters.

Never communicate with the other woman. It's playing with fire. See what can happen in the worst scenarios because of these love triangles on 48 hours Mystery and other true crime stories.

End it with this nowhere man and concentrate on solely being a mother and career woman for now. You should also work on building a healthy self esteem, because the fact you're still with him after all of his bad behavior shows you have rock bottom self worth. When you feel good about yourself, you will only accept decent men. Take care.

 

[smackie9]

8 minutes ago, Melt93 said:

It should be that easy shouldn’t it. But is it wrong I want the truth. I feel I need to know for sure. I have been cheated on before and he is convincing me that I am putting him under the same umbrella as my ex and reading to much into a friendship. 

If he wasn't truthful before, he ain't gonna be truthful now.

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Melt93 said:

I fell pregnant with my long term ex after one lonely night. my head 

Sorry this is happening. Is this ex also the father of the other children. You need to inform him (he has aright to visitation) and stand up for your child and file for child support.

It's unclear why you are chasing such a dubious character, who clearly doesn't want be a stand in father figure. 

It's obvious he is still with the German woman. 

[Melt93]

Yes the ex is the father of all 3 of my children but he is not around anymore moved to the other side of country with the woman he cheated with. 
I’m not looking for a stand in father figure at all, 

I just wanted to be together  and truly believed before I started to see communication from German woman again that he would be around for the long hall and He had made a mistake when he went over to “Portugal” but know now that’s not true 

I know I am being a little naive perhaps in thinking just maybe I am being paranoid , and the advise being given is the best advice I should cut ties. 

[decibelx]

Nooo no no, end this immediately. Always trust your gut feeling. If you feel something is wrong, it usually is. There are a million men in this world who are better for you, it may just take some time to meet them. But don't sell yourself short with this fella.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Melt93 said:

Yes the ex is the father of all 3 of my children but he is not around anymore

Your ex is still responsible for child support and you're responsible to procure that on behalf of your children.

This old coot seems like a liar, but you already sense this.

[DarkCh0c0]

 Oh, waw. This man is neither partner, dating, nor father material.

As everyone advised, you call this whole thing off. You say you're not feeling this and you end it there. No dialogue. No excuses or more lies/fake promises from him.

Take care of you, and your family. The right gentle, loyal, and respectful man will come later with time. But, you come first now. I hope your ex is somehow supporting you and your children, because 3 kids- that is not easy.

Your gut is on point.

[LotusBlack]

Sorry this is happening to you. The writing is on the wall in bright red paint - he is playing you. The thing is, though, even if he wasn’t interested in the woman from Germany, he is not establishing any boundaries with her and respecting and protecting your relationship by doing so. If she was overstepping and it had become a problem, your bf would be completely transparent about it and would be reassuring you and actively working on/already found a way to block all communication from the woman in Germany.

So, worst case scenario is that he is a disloyal, dishonest, sleazy “man” (no real man with any self-respect would act like this) who is playing you both like a fiddle and damaging your lives. And, best case scenario is that he is a weak-minded, spineless, pathetic kind of a “man” (again, no real man with any self-respect would act like this) who lacks the ability to set firm boundaries and prioritise you and your relationship, who fails to make you feel safe and valued in the relationship. Instead of reassuring you, he puts you down and dismisses your concerns - that is your best case scenario where he is innocent. You really want that for yourself and your children? 

For one thing, out of the two scenarios, it isn’t the second, let me tell you. Get rid of this manipulator, recover and repair your self-esteem, focus on your kids. Once you have all that, then you can look for a healthy relationship that is good for both you and your family. This guy isn’t it. I know it will be hard to cut things off with him because you have feelings for him, but he is bad for you and you are going to be burned much much worse if you stay. You can put a stop to the damage being made any worse if you exist this lie of a relationship now. Good luck!

[Melt93]

Thanks for all the comments, I new what you were all saying before I even posted. I guess I was just looking for other opinions to confirm my own peace of mind. I have decided to take end it and take some time for myself. Last night he was meant to be working and had cancelled our plans as he had en “extra night shift” only to find out he had done this to go clubbing at 1am- 6am and altho this is not a big deal it is yet another lie. He went through the hole routine of letting me know he got to work safe and then saying goodnight to me. But he forgot social media doesn’t sleep like a single mum of 3. 
I feel such a fool because how many other lies has he told me that I was so blindsided I didn’t even twig onto. 
I for sure am not going to take any more of my time or energy trying to peice together what was true and what was a lie. I’m just going to be grateful I smelt the coffee before he got the chance to come into my home or my kids lives. Easier said than done no doubt but necessary none the less
thanks again for the comments !! 

[Rose Mosse]

50 minutes ago, Melt93 said:

Thanks for all the comments, I new what you were all saying before I even posted. I guess I was just looking for other opinions to confirm my own peace of mind. I have decided to take end it and take some time for myself. Last night he was meant to be working and had cancelled our plans as he had en “extra night shift” only to find out he had done this to go clubbing at 1am- 6am and altho this is not a big deal it is yet another lie. He went through the hole routine of letting me know he got to work safe and then saying goodnight to me. But he forgot social media doesn’t sleep like a single mum of 3. 
I feel such a fool because how many other lies has he told me that I was so blindsided I didn’t even twig onto. 
I for sure am not going to take any more of my time or energy trying to peice together what was true and what was a lie. I’m just going to be grateful I smelt the coffee before he got the chance to come into my home or my kids lives. Easier said than done no doubt but necessary none the less
thanks again for the comments !! 

I’m so glad you’re ending this. The woman in Germany is just one. There may be others you don’t know about. Get tested for STDs and see your doctor to be on the safe side. Be firm when you tell him it’s over. 

[LotusBlack]

23 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I’m so glad you’re ending this. The woman in Germany is just one. There may be others you don’t know about. Get tested for STDs and see your doctor to be on the safe side. Be firm when you tell him it’s over. 

I was just about to suggest this too. This guy sounds like he likes to go out and have a good time and I bet that includes women. He slips lies out so easily that I wouldn’t be surprised if he was easy about other things too… 

Definitely go see your doctor and get a full work-up for STIs/Ds. I hope all is well!