BF and I both live at home but I don't want to move in w/ him!? Is that wrong?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months, and have known each-other for 6 months total. Our relationship is great, fun, healthy, and so far so good! The other we had a conversation that he brought up to me because in the past I mentioned I was slightly struggling living at home with my parents. My family can be very toxic at times, and as I'm starting my own startup it's very hard for me to focus mentally on what needs to be done when so much drama is happening around me. I really try to refrain from telling him too much but it's hard. So days are easier than others, and I once told him this was starting to get to me and I missed having my own place. Another time I playfully told him I wasn't moving in with any man unless I have an engagement ring (which is true) and...

So a week ago, he brings up if I've ever thought about moving into an apartment with him. we BOTH live at home at the moment, but his room and his lifestyle is a lot more comfortable than mine. even so, I still need to stick it out for a months (financial reasons) and i told I still stood by my views on being engaged first. The reason why I believe in being engaged first is because men can sometimes like to "test drive" women as their roommates and gain wife benefits before any real commitment at all is there, and so I dont ever want to give myself in that way to any man unless he's the one and unless he's certain he wants me to be his potential wife. 

He disagreed politely, it wasn't an argument but I see that due to our diff backgrounds (his parents are divorced and re-married, mine are together) we have different views. i wonder if this is going to be a deal breaker in the future... i also don't want to rush him into getting engaged with me bc i said what i said i want us to move in together not for convinience but yet bc we love each other and we WANT to and are ready to. We're in our late 20's btw. Just curious, please comment below what your views are 

What do you personally think about moving in with your partner before engagement? Is it a good idea? Or a disaster waiting to happen
I just don't want him to take me for granted. It's a trauma/fear of mine.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 dating for 5 months. I missed having my own place. 

Dating 20 weeks is way too soon to talk about moving in together.

Why did you move back home if you formerly had your own place?

Why not wait until you get your financial situation in better shape and get your own place? 

Getting engaged is not the solution to a "toxic" home life. 

In fact it would be out of convenience if you are telling him you can't stand living at home but can't afford your own place.

Wait until you are married if you are concerned about a lack of commitment.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

What do you personally think about moving in with your partner before engagement?

I've done it twice. I lived with both boyfriends because I wanted to, not because I thought it was going to be a precursor to marriage (I'm not that bothered about marriage in general though, just as a disclaimer) As such, I enjoyed the experience. Those relationships didn't work out, but it was unrelated to the fact that we lived together.

Everyone is different here, though.  I know couples who moved in together and still got engaged some time later. And others who moved in, and that seemed to be where it ended, in terms of making bigger commitments. My general view is that if a man truly wants to marry you, already living together is not going to stop him from proposing. If moving in makes him drag his feet more, well, he probably wasn't so excited about the idea of marriage to begin with. 

However - I would not recommend moving in together so soon. It's only been 5 months. You two are still in the honeymoon phase and getting to know each other as a couple. That is where you could easily run into problems later, if you shack up too quickly. I would give this relationship more time. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Wiseman2 is right. That's good advice right there.

And, how come you run a startup but not have money to live on your own? You need to review your priorities / finance.

As a general rule, it's best not to move in with someone before being together 1.5 years.

[LaHermes]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

My general view is that if a man truly wants to marry you, already living together is not going to stop him from proposing.

Fully agree Ms. C.  

Again, OP, it depends entirely on the couple and their intentions. My husband and I lived together before we married, and we got engaged while living together.  I cannot even imagine myself saying to my then future husband: We're not living together unless you roll out that engagement ring first!

However if you don't trust this man and think he just wants to "test drive" you as you put it, then don't move in with him. 

[melancholy123]

I lived with my husband as my bf for years before we got married and being engaged didnt matter before we moved in together.  I think the bigger issue here is talking about moving in together after dating for just five months.  Holy cow that's way too fast.  You need to date for at least a year before you think about sharing a place.

Having sex with him before being engaged is your choice, it's not for us to tell you what to do about that.

[Batya33]

I don't think moving in together for financial reasons and convenience is a good reason at all especially after only 5 months.  I lived with a fiancee for two months because our wedding date was approaching (then cancelled) and my husband and I did not officially live together until we were married.  Living together has nothing to do with increased commitment unless that is the couples' intentions (meaning the couple don't plan to marry but plan to be together long term and moving in is part of the intention to be seriously and emotionally committed) and/or the wedding date is approaching or they are engaged with plan to marry

[SherrySher]

I used to be 100% traditional where I was scared of a man taking advantage of me and using me, then deciding that he didn't think I was worth wife status and dumping me.

But my views did change.

I actually think it makes a lot of sense to live together first in order to see if you're even compatible enough to get married.

Divorces are very lengthy, expensive and emotionally stressful.

In order to know if someone is truly compatible with you and that it's going to work long term for something like marriage, I feel there's nothing wrong with "taking things out for a test drive", sort to speak.

I understand that there are more traditional people out there where religion dictates that they wait till marriage, and I respect that.

But I also don't think there is anything wrong with living together first in order to see if everything works and if you do get along well enough for something more permanent.

 

[Lambert]

I personally think it depends on the nature of the relationship to begin with....

If you're feeling the guy is not in the marriage way, then you have to recognize that and not move in with him. 

If you read these forums enough, you can see where maybe one person moved in, thinking the other person would change or would see what a great idea it is to be married. 

That normally does not happen...  10 years pass and you're roommates.  But they probably knew going in, that the relationship was not that strong and they weren't following their gut or they allowed themselves to be misled.

of course there are exceptions. Liars do lie and you're taking a chance trusting another person. That's life.  That's why you always have to be willing to do the hard things that protect you.

Things like making sure you speak up about your needs and be willing to bail if you're not being treated with respect and appreciation.

If engagement is important to you,  then it is. If that's your deal breaker, then I think you're finding that out now.  5 months is just getting to know a person....

There could be instances where maybe you stay together a lot... but at this point you should not give up your own place or leave your parents place officially.

The other thing is, if you can't make it on your own, you should not depend on just boyfriend/girlfriend.

That's too much pressure on the relationship. 

So with all that said, I see living together as meaning.... we are on the same page, we want the same things, we are building and living our lives together. 

If marriage is a goal for both people, it's discussed and mapped out what needs to happen to get there and when we will get there, in very specific terms.

If marriage is your goal, you need to make sure that is their goal, too. And its discussed in details. not just general terms like, when we make more money we'll get married. 

Details like how expenses are split, what are the house rules, what does us living together mean, what about emergencies, what is our budget,  what happens if one of us loses our income,  how are chores divided, what happens if a pregnancy occurs, what are the expectations for visitors and family obligations and so much more.....

Until you can answer all this and feel confident about what's happening, you're not ready. 

It's fine for your bf to disagree about the engagement.  But it is something to consider that moving in to him, does not symbolize the depth of his commitment, but rather a convenient living solution that may or may not lead to marriage.

For me, I will not live with someone I'm not married to. I don't need to play house.  I would not live somewhere my name was not on the deed/lease and I would not buy or rent something with someone that that is our biggest commitment.

You want to live with me? we have to be each other's biggest commitment.

but that's me. 

 

[melancholy123]

Well said, Lambert!

[electricorchid]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Dating 20 weeks is way too soon to talk about moving in together.

Why did you move back home if you formerly had your own place?

Why not wait until you get your financial situation in better shape and get your own place? 

Getting engaged is not the solution to a "toxic" home life.

 

I actually told him the same thing, I agree that 5 mo is way too soon to have the conversation but regardless I dont appreciatiate this comment about "Getting engaged is not the solution to a "toxic" home life." If you read my post correctly, I said I want to move in when it feels right. I never said it was the solution and I'm aware its not going to fix anything i'm going through right now at home which is why I'm waiting to revisit the conversation with him later on. If you must know I moved out of my place in NYC because I lost my job due to covid.... You're assuming a lot about me. 

[electricorchid]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

My general view is that if a man truly wants to marry you, already living together is not going to stop him from proposing.

 

Hmm.. This is a very good point. Thankyou, I do have friends that have lived with their bf's together and it's worked out super well for them, others it's not... etc. but this point is something to think about,thankyou!

[electricorchid]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

of course there are exceptions. Liars do lie and you're taking a chance trusting another person. That's life.  That's why you always have to be willing to do the hard things that protect you.

The other thing is, if you can't make it on your own, you should not depend on just boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

 

Super super well said. Thankyou, I do agree with you.. the reason I think i would feel more comfortable with engagement first is almost like to protect my heart and to know the person im living with is serious about starting a life with me. I've dealt and dated so many liars in my past that I don't tend to believe many people when they say what they say 

However, my bf is someone whose always shown me he knows what he likes and what he wants off the bat. He even asked me to be his girlfriend 3.5 weeks in just getting to know me. LOL

And for the last point, that's another reason why I don't want to move out yet, I don't want to depend on anyone financially. Even if we work something out where he pays more or whatever happends I still want to be able to pitch in. 

Thanks again for your response!

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

Super super well said. Thankyou, I do agree with you.. the reason I think i would feel more comfortable with engagement first is almost like to protect my heart and to know the person im living with is serious about starting a life with me. I've dealt and dated so many liars in my past that I don't tend to believe many people when they say what they say 

However, my bf is someone whose always shown me he knows what he likes and what he wants off the bat. He even asked me to be his girlfriend 3.5 weeks in just getting to know me. LOL

And for the last point, that's another reason why I don't want to move out yet, I don't want to depend on anyone financially. Even if we work something out where he pays more or whatever happends I still want to be able to pitch in. 

Thanks again for your response!

that's great that he knows what he wants.... just don't let that supercede what YOU want. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I actually think it makes a lot of sense to live together first in order to see if you're even compatible enough to get married.

I think that works if both people have the same intentions - including seeing the value of a test drive (I did not and totally get how others might) and also if there are no plans to have kids - because in my experience anyway living with someone before having a child has almost nothing to do with after having a child.  And could cause unrealistic expectations of what it would be like.  We became parents three months after getting married.  We'd spent many nights and weeks together. Those experiences did not prepare for me for living with him and a newborn.  It wasn't a bad thing at all -it was simply an adjustment - but i know if we'd lived together officially prior to marriage I likely would have had more assumptions about what it would be like after which would have made the adjustment so much harder.

[SherrySher]

49 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think that works if both people have the same intentions - including seeing the value of a test drive (I did not and totally get how others might) and also if there are no plans to have kids - because in my experience anyway living with someone before having a child has almost nothing to do with after having a child.  And could cause unrealistic expectations of what it would be like.  We became parents three months after getting married.  We'd spent many nights and weeks together. Those experiences did not prepare for me for living with him and a newborn.  It wasn't a bad thing at all -it was simply an adjustment - but i know if we'd lived together officially prior to marriage I likely would have had more assumptions about what it would be like after which would have made the adjustment so much harder.

Children absolutely change the whole scenario of living together.

I was married for a few years before having a child and it was nothing like what it was like once a child was born.