How long silent treatment

[Aleph]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

And why did you call your ex? Was it in retaliation or out of spite or is it because you have feelings for your ex? 

 

I called my ex because I had been bad to her. I wanted to apologise before moving on completely. It back fired in the most spectacular fashion. I sincerely regret it.

[Rose Mosse]

3 minutes ago, Aleph said:

She was at my place because it's a lot quiter here. 

Her shared house has too many people coming and going. 

Everything was great until I put my foot in it. We had planned to relax this coming week. Her last exam was today. 

At 21 she still has a few more years of exams to go if she pursues graduate studies also. 21 is nowhere close to finishing undergrad unless she started early at 16 or 17. This is a good trial seeing whether you both can be respectful of each others' asks and boundaries. It appears not. Let the dust settle but I wouldn't hope for anything out of this. She ought to live her life and not get tied down so early either. 

Unfortunately I was with a man who did that when I was younger. He felt it was a good idea to reach out to his ex for closure. It didn't end well. 

You can pick yourself up now and move on for the better. Put this behind you, learn from the experience. Do date someone closer to your own age as it's not about the number but the lifestage where you're both at and similarities/compatibilities. 

[boltnrun]

Someone I used to work with was dating an 18 year old girl when he was in his mid 20s. He too got overly excited about dating a young, beautiful girl and proposed after a few months. She said yes because (he deduced later) she wanted to show off in front of her teenybopper friends that she was having a wedding. Unfortunately, after literally bankrupting himself in a futile attempt to "keep" her, she divorced him. I think the marriage lasted 2 or 3 years.

Please try not to get so overly excited next time. If it's real love it's ok to wait a year or two before proposing.

And please work on your impulse control. Getting drunk and telling an ex you miss her because she was studying instead of paying attention to you was extremely immature.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Aleph said:

I called my ex because I had been bad to her. I wanted to apologise before moving on completely. It back fired in the most spectacular fashion. I sincerely regret it.

Hm, in your OP you said you told this ex you missed her. That doesn't sound like an apology.

[Aleph]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Hm, in your OP you said you told this ex you missed her. That doesn't sound like an apology.

It was an apology. I said I missed her because I thought it would make her feel better. That she still mattered. I know it was wrong. 

Again, I put it down to excessive consumption of alcohol. I'm normally very reserved. 

[Seraphim]

10 minutes ago, Aleph said:

I called my ex because I had been bad to her. I wanted to apologise before moving on completely. It back fired in the most spectacular fashion. I sincerely regret it.

Don’t you think if you had asked another woman to marry you this you should have no other dangling attachments?

Also eh, you should be at vastly different stages of life with a 20 year difference. 
 

If she has asked for her stuff she is done it is not a silent treatment. And you have been together less than a year and you ask someone to marry you ? Nope, you don’t know them well enough. 
 

At 40 it is time to get your life together and long past time . 

[Pleasedonot5]

Yeah, OP. I echo the others. Put bluntly, you messed this up. 

The best thing you can do is apologize with more than just your words. 

- Swear off alcohol or resolve to limit drinking to one or two drinks at a time. You have thrown all bottles away -- good. 

- Delete your ex-girlfriend on social media / phone / wherever else. 

- Let your fiancée know you have taken these actions. Tell her that you are very sorry for last night: you acted awfully and being under the influence made it worse. You do not have feelings for your ex -- just for your fiancée (her). You have taken the above actions because she is very important to you and you want to ensure a night like that would never happen again. 

Then, if she does not respond, or she responds that it is over, give her space for an indefinite amount of time and move on. 

--

Hope this helps. 

[Aleph]

1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Yeah, OP. I echo the others. Put bluntly, you messed this up. 

The best thing you can do is apologize with more than just your words. 

- Swear off alcohol or resolve to limit drinking to one or two drinks at a time. You have thrown all bottles away -- good. 

- Delete your ex-girlfriend on social media / phone / wherever else. 

- Let your fiancée know you have taken these actions. Tell her that you are very sorry for last night: you acted awfully and being under the influence made it worse. You do not have feelings for your ex -- just for your fiancée (her). You have taken the above actions because she is very important to you and you want to ensure a night like that would never happen again. 

Then, if she does not respond, or she responds that it is over, give her space for an indefinite amount of time and move on. 

--

Hope this helps. 

She messaged saying she needs some space. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Aleph said:

I called my ex because I had been bad to her. I wanted to apologise before moving on completely

The huge problem with this line of thinking is that if you're already engaged to another woman, you should have long since moved on. 

If I were your girlfriend, there is no way I would believe that was the real reason you called her. And if you had tried to sell me that excuse? I would still be done, for the reason I stated above. It would tell me without a shadow of a doubt that you are not ready for a relationship.

Regardless, the chances of you and  your now-ex working out were extremely slim even if this fight had never happened. You moved way too fast, and there's a 19-year age difference. That does matter, at your respective ages. The probability that she is actually ready to get married and commit forever is very low, especially to a guy she's only dated a few months. 

Slow down. Way down. This relationship is toast but you really need to work on these underlying issues before you try dating again. Now is the time to make some real changes in your life, and learn from all these poor decisions. 

[melancholy123]

I'm having trouble believing this is a serious post.  You are twice her age!  You start dating in April and engaged by August?  What are you thinking?

Yeah you blew it, sober up, smarten up, give her her stuff back and then look for a woman your own age.

 

[boltnrun]

I believe it.

When I (very briefly) was using a dating site, a lot of the men aged 45 and above set their search range at 21-32. Many of them would not even consider dating a woman over the age of 30.

OP, please give her the space she requested. Do not contact her "to say hi" or to see how she's doing. Show her you are not the immature person you've been acting like and maybe she'll consider giving you another chance. It's doubtful, but I guarantee if you disregard her wishes you will have no chance at all.

[Pleasedonot5]

36 minutes ago, Aleph said:

She messaged saying she needs some space. 

I understand. So you either send one message which details what I recommended, or you remain silent. 

I do not think it is disrespectful to send one serious message to apologize and detail what you have done to rectify the situation, then give ample space.  

[Aleph]

2 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I'm having trouble believing this is a serious post.  You are twice her age!  You start dating in April and engaged by August?  What are you thinking?

Yeah you blew it, sober up, smarten up, give her her stuff back and then look for a woman your own age.

 

I am dropping her stuff off tomorrow.  She said she needs some space. 

One of best friends whom I am very close to, messaged earlier asking if I got home OK.

She said that my SO needs some time to herself. 

[Aleph]

1 minute ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I understand. So you either send one message which details what I recommended, or you remain silent. 

I do not think it is disrespectful to send one serious message to apologize and detail what you have done to rectify the situation, then give ample space.  

I did. I apologised. Took full responsibility for my action. Told her to take all the time she needs and that I will not message her constantly.  

[Pleasedonot5]

Just now, Aleph said:

I did. I apologised. Took full responsibility for my action. Told her to take all the time she needs and that I will not message her constantly.  

Alright, and then she said she needed space? Okay, then give her the space she has requested.

[Aleph]

Just now, Pleasedonot5 said:

Alright, and then she said she needed space? Okay, then give her the space she has requested.

I will. I'm going to wait for her to message me. She will do so when she's ready. 

[Cherylyn]

This is your chance to exercise ultimate self control.  Respect and honor her wishes by backing off and giving her space as she had requested.  Don't bother her.

Don't be shocked if she will never be ready to message you and decides to become permanently estranged from you.  Not everyone will take you back despite groveling, remorse and apologies.  This is the real world we live in, new enforced boundaries and a harsh reality check.  Be prepared so you won't be surprised. 

One and done; two if you're lucky. 

 

[Aleph]

19 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

 

Don't be shocked if she will never be ready to message you and decides to become permanently estranged from you.  

One and done; two if you're lucky. 

 

I think this is a likely scenario. She has asked for all of her belongings to be returned, which I am packing up right now. 

She has no intention of coming back or at least she wants it to seem that way. 

I am really going to miss her. I do already. 

[Aleph]

1 hour ago, Aleph said:

I think this is a likely scenario. She has asked for all of her belongings to be returned, which I am packing up right now. 

She has no intention of coming back or at least she wants it to seem that way. 

I am really going to miss her. I do already. 

We just had a text conversation.  She got in touch with me saying she missed me and loved me but doesn't want to get back together. 

She told me the reasons and I admit it's all down to my own inadequacies. 

The closure really lifted a weight off my heart. It's much easier to breathe. 

I still love her and a part of me always will. But I think it was best this way. 

[boltnrun]

That was kind of her.  She seems like a nice young lady.

It's not necessarily your "inadequacies".  You two are just at different life stages and lead different lives.  You're simply incompatible.

But this gives you a chance to work on your impulse control and lack of boundaries.

[Aleph]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That was kind of her.  She seems like a nice young lady.

It's not necessarily your "inadequacies".  You two are just at different life stages and lead different lives.  You're simply incompatible.

But this gives you a chance to work on your impulse control and lack of boundaries.

She is an amazing young lady. I hope she finds someone who will cherish her as much as I did. I just want whatever is best for her. 

My alcoholism was the reason we fell out. I have an AA meeting tomorrow. Going to hit this head on and really start life anew. 

An old friend helped me a lot over the past few days and I reconnected with a girl I had met last year. We are going to take it very slowly though. 

I will not repeat my past mistakes. 

 

[boltnrun]

Um, you already have a new girlfriend?

Doesn't AA recommend holding off on romantic relationships until your sobriety is more secure?

[Aleph]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Um, you already have a new girlfriend?

Doesn't AA recommend holding off on romantic relationships until your sobriety is more secure?

She's not a girlfriend. We are two people just getting to know one another. She was in a bad place last year so we can help each other without getting too involved. 

Like I said, I will not repeat past mistakes. 

[Smile4me]

6 hours ago, Aleph said:

She's not a girlfriend. We are two people just getting to know one another. She was in a bad place last year so we can help each other without getting too involved. 

Like I said, I will not repeat past mistakes. 

You are using women as a crutch an on this situation where alcohol is clearly a problem you will never form a proper relationship. You are not alone long enough to heal from the previous relationship and find yourself. Im sure your ex will be made up you managed to last a few hours before reconnecting with someone else. This will go down like a lead balloon and will destroy any future chances of getting her back once you have kicked the alcohol to the kerb. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Aleph said:

She was in a bad place last year so we can help each other without getting too involved. 

No, no, no. 

Do this by yourself. Not with another woman around. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and not scamble around looking for a woman's company or validation. 

You are already heading down the path of repeating your dysfunctional pattern.