How long silent treatment

[Aleph]

1 hour ago, Smile4me said:

You are using women as a crutch an on this situation where alcohol is clearly a problem you will never form a proper relationship. You are not alone long enough to heal from the previous relationship and find yourself. Im sure your ex will be made up you managed to last a few hours before reconnecting with someone else. This will go down like a lead balloon and will destroy any future chances of getting her back once you have kicked the alcohol to the kerb. 

I have no intention of getting back with my ex now. She made her feelings clear. 

 

[Aleph]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, no, no. 

Do this by yourself. Not with another woman around. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and not scamble around looking for a woman's company or validation. 

You are already heading down the path of repeating your dysfunctional pattern. 

I won't see hear physically.  She is too busy with work. She and one of my high school friends really helped me tackle this problem and got me to take counselling.  

Tough love. Self inflicted injuries. No sympathy for making the same mistakes. 

Take responsibility and help yourself.  No one else is going to do it for you. 

[MissCanuck]

16 minutes ago, Aleph said:

I won't see hear physically.  She is too busy with work

This suggests you would see her if she weren't busy. You yourself said you wanted to "go slowly" with this woman. 

Look, the point is that you should not be involving another woman at all. You are 40 (me too, by the way) At some point, we have to learn to stand on our own and not seek out the validation of others. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This suggests you would see her if she weren't busy. You yourself said you wanted to "go slowly" with this woman. 

Look, the point is that you should not be involving another woman at all. You are 40 (me too, by the way) At some point, we have to learn to stand on our own and not seek out the validation of others. 

 

Agreed.  Seek out platonic friends who have their stuff together, who are reasonably secure and stable where nothing needs to be taken "slow" - I am sure this woman is not just a friend on either side - is she someone you'd feel comfortable talking about who you'd like to date and have sex with in the future? Or hear about who she finds hot etc?  She's not just a friend and I'm sure lying to yourself or rationalizing is not consistent with AA tenets either.

[Aleph]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, no, no. 

Do this by yourself. Not with another woman around. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and not scamble around looking for a woman's company or validation. 

You are already heading down the path of repeating your dysfunctional pattern. 

You're right. I should not have to rely on someone else. 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Aleph said:

You're right. I should not have to rely on someone else. 

If you need a support system (entirely human) don't choose female friends you need to "take it slowly" with. That means she is not just a friend. 

 

[Aleph]

So, I haven't contacted her over the past few days.

 However, she will initiate contact, vent and then block me. 

She keeps on bringing up my past behaviour. I tell her that I am changing the way I behave and said causes of that behaviour.

What I fail to understand is that she does not want me back, so going forward my behaviour shouldn't be an issue.  

Whatever I do will have no impact on her or her social circle. 

[MissCanuck]

She is immature, Aleph. 

And she is angry and taking it out on you. That's all it is. 

[Cherylyn]

23 hours ago, Aleph said:

I think this is a likely scenario. She has asked for all of her belongings to be returned, which I am packing up right now. 

She has no intention of coming back or at least she wants it to seem that way. 

I am really going to miss her. I do already. 

You are not "inadequate." 

I commend you for realizing you made a blunder, seeking professional help such as joining AA and improving yourself. 

However,  I do not recommend "reconnecting with a woman, taking it slow and not getting too involved." 

Focus and concentrate on working on yourself first and foremost.  Set your priorities straight. 

[poorlittlefish]

On 8/13/2021 at 7:23 PM, Aleph said:

I called my ex because I had been bad to her. I wanted to apologise before moving on completely. It back fired in the most spectacular fashion. I sincerely regret it.

A bit of a pattern forming, then.  If you love this girl so much that you want to marry her, why have you still got exes numbers on your phone?  When I split up from someone they're deleted.  I wouldn't trust you again after your little stunt.

[Aleph]

3 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

A bit of a pattern forming, then.  If you love this girl so much that you want to marry her, why have you still got exes numbers on your phone?  When I split up from someone they're deleted.  I wouldn't trust you again after your little stunt.

I didn't have her number. Found her on Facebook. I was really drunk and didn't know what I was doing. 

I do sincerely regret my actions though and would like to think that I have changed my behaviour. 

When I got closure from my current ex I felt really relieved and felt as if I could move on. 

It's the fourth day now and I am beginning to miss her. 

[Aleph]

21 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

She is immature, Aleph. 

And she is angry and taking it out on you. That's all it is. 

She called me yesterday and said she had hurt herself at a party. Not too serious, I was going to return her belongings so I though I would take her to the clinic to get checked out. 

I get to her house and she says that another guy is going to take her and that I don't have to wait around. 

Half an hour later she messages me, says thanks, that she feels better and she doesn't feel the need to be seen by a doctor. 

I am beginning to miss her now. 

[MissCanuck]

She is playing games now, Aleph. 

Are you usually attracted to immature women?

[Aleph]

13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She is playing games now, Aleph. 

Are you usually attracted to immature women?

It's strange because she was always upfront with how she felt. She never played games when we met or during our relationship. 

She insinuated that she slept with aforementioned guy the night before. 

When she was messaging me she kept on underlining that I was immature and that she couldn't baby sit me while she had things to get on with.

I admit I was a bit silly when I was drunk but when I was sober and myself, I looked after her very well. She would have breakdowns and I would tell her that it's ok to let it out.  She gained a bit of weight, felt insecure because some clothes wouldn't fit her. 

I told her that I loved her now and not that physical form that encapsulated her. It made her feel so much more confident. She never worried about what she ate or how she dressed after that. 

I could go on but as a 40 year old male I just think that I am very patient and considerate when it comes to relationships.  I have my flaws but I am only human and I'm working to eradicate the worst. 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Aleph said:

It's strange because she was always upfront with how she felt. She never played games when we met or during our relationship. 

You're forgetting that this is a new relaitonship. You two are still getting to really know each other, despite zooming through the normal phases of dating and committing. In other words, you still don't have a clear idea of what she is "always" or "never" like after just a few months. You don't know each other as well as you thought you did. 

Honestly, it sounds like you both have a lot of emotional chaos and lack of impulse control. Both of you exercised poor judgment in getting involved too quickly, and that sort of thing generally isn't limited to just one facet of our lives either. Most people don't go from meeting to starting to date to moving in to engaged in such a short time frame. Each of you have your own individual problems to work on. Together, you're a trainwreck. 

It would be best to let her go, as the probabilty that you two will wind up happily together forever is just about nil anyway. You're far more likely to succeed with a woman closer your own age, not one who's barely on the cusp of adulthood and won't likely really be ready to settle down for a number of years yet. She's still got so much growing and changing yet to do in her 20s, while you're past all of that. Chances of success were low from the very beginning, man.

[Aleph]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

 

It would be best to let her go, as the probabilty that you two will wind up happily together forever is just about nil anyway. You're far more likely to succeed with a woman closer your own age, not one who's barely on the cusp of adulthood and won't likely really be ready to settle down for a number of years yet. She's still got so much growing and changing yet to do in her 20s, while you're past all of that. Chances of success were low from the very beginning, man.

I agree that it wouldn't work. To be honest I think I have became the so called "Bastard" of her social group. 

A so called friend of hers called me a simp. I think she was jealous because I looked after her so well. For example, when I was at her place and she had to study, I would tidy up, hoover, clean the kitchen and prepare dinner. I didn't see the logic in just sitting staring at her. 

In that situation,  I think her whole support group really focused on my one flaw instead of how good I treated her. 

Walking back into that circle of friends now would be very uncomfortable. 

 

[MissCanuck]

What her friends think is beside the point. The real problems are the considerable age gap, difference in life stages, and moving way too fast. 

How did you even meet a 21-year-old to begin with?

I'm 40 too and i can't imagine what I would have in common with a 21-year-old guy, nor would I be interested in actually dating someone that lacking in life experience. Sexual thrills, eh, maybe. I'm sure it felt good to have a young woman into you, but where is the substance and commonality beyond that? And hanging out with a bunch of college kids at my age? No, thanks. Those days are behind me, which is fine by me. 

 

[Aleph]

Tinder. She preferred older men. Said it made her feel more secure. 

I suppose it's different if the genders are reversed. I mean I was not very mature at 21 so a more experienced woman would have found that a turn off.

It was a fantasy relationship,  she was the girl I had wanted when I was in my 20's. 

She did make me feel good. She made me laugh and I mean really laugh out loud. We just clicked on so many levels. I guess I was just overwhelmed.  

[Andrina]

Now that she has her stuff back, block her number. It was never going to work, even if you were a totally together person. Age gap relationships of a 20 or more gap have a 95 percent failure rate. And her brain won't even be fully mature for another 4 years in the decision making area. She has no idea what she's doing, making the dumb decision of dating someone her father's age.

During the first year of sobriety, AA recommends not moving in to a new place, don't get a new pet, don't date. Why? Because even though there can be positives to all those things, they also come with stress.

If you eventually want a successful lifetime partnership, you're going to have to do the hard work on yourself now, without outside stressors. I'd let that lady you wanted to go slow with know you made a mistake and that when you have reached your goal of a year of sobriety, and she's had time to work on her own goals, you two can reconnect at that time if both are in agreement.

Good luck.

[SherrySher]

There are so many issues with your post, my mind is blown.

First of all, you could be her father. I question your maturity level dating what would be considered a child compared to you.

Secondly, you behave this badly at 40? Again, questioning maturity level. 

I sincerely thought you were 19? By the way you wrote. I literally cannot get over that you say you're 40....wow.

I am not sure what is going on with you sir, but I think you need some kind of therapy and to let this girl get on with her life without you holding her back.

[boltnrun]

Trying to relive your 20s by dating a very young college student is a terrible idea, as you have found.

Why would you go to her place to lurk around while she studied?  Seems like you were fearful she'd find someone else if you weren't always around to watch her.

She should be studying, going to college events, getting involved with clubs, hanging out with friends...not trying to appease the insecurities of a 40 year old man who's trying to be 21.

And you haven't really learned anything yet.  Otherwise you wouldn't still be falling all over yourself trying to "help" her.

Did you end up going to the AA meeting?  Do you have a sponsor yet?  Have you done any drinking since the cheating incident? (Yes, it was a cheating incident.  Calling an ex to tell her you "miss" her is cheating).

I think you will be in a much better place once you get and stay sober and only then start dating more age appropriate women.  A woman in her early 30s isn't old!  Plus chances are she'd be more mature and not into playing attention games like a 21 year old college student might be.

[SherrySher]

7 hours ago, Aleph said:

It was a fantasy relationship,  she was the girl I had wanted when I was in my 20's. 

Come on fella, it's time to grow up and leave childish things behind. This girl was never meant for you.

You're in different places in your life. You're far too old for her.

You need some kind of help through therapy.

Regressing in order to try to live some kind of fantasy, is never going to bring you happiness and is really kidding yourself. 

I even cringed at her friends calling you a "simp". That's the younger generation type of slang words, that's not your generation and it's embarrassing, for you.

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I even cringed at her friends calling you a "simp". That's the younger generation type of slang words, that's not your generation and it's embarrassing, for you.

Same here. Right up there with "deadass" and "xyz-AF." It's childish net-speak.

OP, you were right when you described this as a fantasy relationship. Fun and thrilling, but it doesn't hold up in reality.