Husband secretly purchased ED pills

[Amyrob]

I found on bank statements that my husband spent a good amount on ED pills from a website. We’ve always had a healthy sex life, but it has become less and less frequent. I thought it may be because of work. His package of pills was delivered and he stashed it in a bin in our closet. It doesn’t seem like he’s trying to hide it, but it’s still in it’s “discrete” packaging. I noticed doses were missing and we have not had sex since the package arrived. Should I tell him I know? Am I over thinking things and worrying for no reason?

[Wiseman2]

Does he have ED? How old is he. All of the internet stuff comes in unmarked packaging.

Why is he ordering internet garbage when he can see a physician for a legitimate prescription?

Yes your married and share finances and sex, so ask what's going on.

It seems like you are more worried about cheating and think unmarked packages for ED drugs are for extramarital sexual adventures. 

[Amyrob]

Late 30s, he takes medications that we’ve been told can cause ED, but we’ve never had any issues in the past. Someone had told me that he may just be embarrassed and so I shouldn’t say anything about knowing, but I guess you’re right. I am worried about an extramarital possibility. 

[MissCanuck]

38 minutes ago, Amyrob said:

I noticed doses were missing and we have not had sex since the package arrived.

This is what would concern me. How many doses? I could see maybe "testing" it to see if it worked, but a few missing doses is odd.

19 minutes ago, Amyrob said:

Someone had told me that he may just be embarrassed and so I shouldn’t say anything about knowing

It's true that he might be embarrassed, but I would not just say nothing. You are his wife. Lack of communication is not good, especially when it comes to intimate matters. And yes, most items you order online esepcially of sexual nature are going to arrive in discreet packing. They're not going to have a big ol' "BONER PILLS" label on them. 

21 minutes ago, Amyrob said:

I am worried about an extramarital possibility

Has he given you other reasons not to trust him? 

You could always sit on it, and wait and see if more doses go missing. Observe a bit. 

[Amyrob]

There are 3 doses missing. When I mentioned the discrete packaging, I meant to emphasize that although the product is in a place that I can easily access, he decided to keep it in the package it was shipped in. Since the package is black, it’s not all that noticeable, so is he intentionally hiding it?

I did find him sending explicit messages online a few months after we got together (we’ve been together for almost 15 years), but no other reason not to trust him. It’s been almost 3 weeks and I’m trying to wait it out, but I feel as if I’m starting to read too much into some other things. 

[Fudgie]

What are you hoping to accomplish by waiting it out? Waiting for what?

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Amyrob said:

It’s been almost 3 weeks and I’m trying to wait it out.

Wait what out? Ask what it's all about since you're married, share a home, finances and a bed. 

You seem to think he's hiding something. Does he have ED or not? You mentioned he's on medication which may have it as a side effect but does he have it or not?.

Kind of stupid to take crap off the internet rather than asking a physician about side effects and ED in itself or as a side effect of medications..

 Do you think he would be stupid enough to "hide" a package in your closet for stuff he is using with a mistress?

Keep in mind ED medication is not an aphrodisiac. It's for functional ED.

[HappilyMarried1]

4 hours ago, Amyrob said:

Should I tell him I know?

If you want to mention it without maybe embarrassing him more (if that is why you think he hasn't mentioned it) you could say "I found these pills in the closet are they yours?" Is there a problem? Then say I have read these are not regulated by FDA and could cause problems that you want to go through this with him if he is having issues. Just a suggestion to broach the subject without you suggestion he could be unfaithful. Best of luck!

[DancingFool]

My first thought was also that he might be embarrassed.

However, the with added info that multiple doses are missing, you aren't having sex, sex overall has been dropping off AND early on you've caught him sending messages (really shouldn't have ignored that as he showed you back then already who he is), I'd say that yes, you have something to be concerned about here.

I wouldn't say anything immediately, but rather quietly start checking the phone bills, credit cards, bank statements, computers, and his whereabouts. If you confront him right now, he'll just hide things better. Unless he wants you to find out and divorce him, thus the not so blatant, but not so hidden pills.

[Guest]

As a guy if I had ED pills I would be curious and want to test them out right away.

Also, many men over 30 have ED issues and this is could be a reason for decline in sex since he feels there's a chance something embarrassing ehm could happen. He's probably trying to see if this will work, test it a few times, and then try and come across as a master in the bedroom that can last for hours and hours

I honestly wouldn't worry if its just 3 or so that are missing. As long as there are no other indicators, I don't see an issue yet.

 

 

[Lambert]

I guess I just wonder how close are you in other areas of your relationship?  Why wouldn't he talk to you about this and why have you waited 3 weeks to even say anything? 

I think there could be a bigger problem.  Why aren't you guys talking about this?  Do you not share a lot as it is?  Was it always this way? 

[SooSad33]

Other than this issue, has he been acting odd with you?  Has he been out much, on his own for long periods of time?

Not sure if it's a real concern that he has ordered these..yet.  But I wonder his intent. ( is a bit of a concern if you two have not had sex in the amt of time he's gotten them).

But, also, yes, as mentioned, he could be cautious for now.. being uncertain of it all.

[LaHermes]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is he ordering internet garbage when he can see a physician for a legitimate prescription?

That is the question I would also ask.

And this man is only in his late thirties which is very young! However, OP, you mention he is on certain types of medication which can contribute to ED (starting with, for example, medication for depression).

Surely he would have discussed the issue with his prescribing physician in the first instance rather than buying off the net.

8 hours ago, Amyrob said:

We’ve always had a healthy sex life, but it has become less and less frequent. I thought it may be because of work

Well, the ED is caused by the other medication, or it isn't.  I doubt if "work" is the culprit. 

It is important that you discuss these matters with your husband OP.  

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Amyrob said:

I did find him sending explicit messages online a few months after we got together (we’ve been together for almost 15 years)

So you started dating as teens if he's in his 30s now? That is young for functional ED. Unless he has health problems.

In which case legitimate ED meds could be dangerous not to mention internet (often fake crap from unknown, non-FDA approved sources) is quite dangerous.

And these messages were from when he was 15-16? Your timelines are odd, unless you are much older than he is.

If you are married and been together that long, you know nothing about his medical history, what kinds of medications he takes, etc.?

Do not play detective. Phone bills, following him, etc. tell you nothing. That is black and white detective movie stuff. 

He's your husband, no? If so, don't play games or worry about embarrassing him. Why not be honest? Playing coy or private eye is not how mature trusting couples interact.

Talk to him about your findings and concerns. Not about infidelity, but be honest. Tell him you came across a box and wondered  why he's not seeing a physician about his health and prescriptions.

[lostandhurt]

Best approach is keep silent but also pay close attention.

Does he hide his phone from you when he is using it? 

Is there a new female employee at his work?

Has he changed his usual habits? (dressing nicer, wearing cologne to work, losing weight, exercising, spending time away from the house, new friends)

This could be nothing or it could be serious so keep your eyes and ears wide open but don't let on you are watching.  Cheaters think they won't get caught but they always slip up.  The reason it takes a while is because love blinds us and we don't trust our gut when something doesn't feel right.

  Lost

[Pleasedonot5]

It seems reasonably likely that your husband is embarrassed about the erectile dysfunction and that he does not want to put that he has such a condition on display, not even for his wife. He probably should have talked to you about it, yes. But still, I think this is the most likely true explanation.

We all seem to be overlooking the likelihood that in addition to "testing out" the pills, OP's husband is using them to masturbate now and then. 

I think you should just ask him nicely about the pills and you'll get a better idea.

--

Hope this helps.