Girl I'm seeing is going away for a week and I'm really upset/down

[GB11CR7]

I'm on the waiting list with the NHS here in the UK. Waiting to hear back from them but I had an initial telephone consultation a couple months back now. I understand there's probably extra strain recently due to covid and people being in darker places than me, so I'm willing to wait.

Thanks @catfeeder

2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Fully agree Cat.  

OP, that anxiety will be your undoing so please do seek help. 

Also, I've noticed your responses have been quite unconstructive and not exactly helpful.

'You realize how crazily desperate  that sounds'

'Seek help'

Relax... I'm not about to go all Mark Wahlberg in Fear over her.

[LaHermes]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It means that reaching for some help from a therapist who is trained to help people learn how to manage anxiety is something to consider.

You yourself said:

"she is literally all I think about" 

How do you think that sounds to an outsider, OP?

I agree with Catfeeder. 

And if you are on an NHS list I greatly fear you will be waiting a long time.  You know this.  Perhaps the situation warrants looking for private therapy?

No idea what this means, although relaxation is precisely what you need, OP. lol.

"Relax... I'm not about to go all Mark Wahlberg in Fear over her."

And, btw, all the posters, and I include myself, are here to give of their time, support and advice. 

[GB11CR7]

9 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You yourself said:

"she is literally all I think about" 

How do you think that sounds to an outsider, OP?

I agree with Catfeeder. 

And if you are on an NHS list I greatly fear you will be waiting a long time.  You know this.  Perhaps the situation warrants looking for private therapy?

No idea what this means, although relaxation is precisely what you need, OP. lol.

"Relax... I'm not about to go all Mark Wahlberg in Fear over her."

And, btw, all the posters, and I include myself, are here to give of their time, support and advice. 

'She is literally all I think about' is not exactly inordinary for someone to say a few weeks into some good dates. Also, I would take that saying lightly and not literally.

You are getting defensive and I'm not sure why?

Posters here do indeed give their time, support and advice and I'm not disputing that...(i've even thanked them) but in fairness, you've responded twice with 2 one liners that haven't been helpful at all (hence me calling you out on it).

Just to note, I'm not in denial or anything - see my previous respones in this thread. I accept I'm overthinking it and I am taking steps in the right direction, unfortunely it's post like yours that tend to bring me and others back down a peg or 2.

So , some advice for you, in future, double check what you've put before you hit that submit reply button. Some things can just be simply left unsaid.

[LaHermes]

Try not to twist what people, in good faith, are trying to say to you.  My one-liners as you call them are merely endorsement of what other posters are saying to you.   And again, I endorse their very good advice to you.  I have no intention of bring you, or anyone else, "down a peg or two" as you put it.

Just to remark:

'She is literally all I think about' 

I, and others here, can only go by what you write, and assume you mean what you write. We are not in your presence. Now you say we should only take what you say lightly. 

Do try to be reasonable, OP.  Everyone is trying to help. 

You said earlier on:

"Why on earth do I feel like I've blown it?"

To which Bolt replied that it was because anxiety is steering your ship. (I have read your entire thread OP). 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/30/2021 at 6:23 AM, GB11CR7 said:

This is why I'm treading super careful and not wanting to mess this up.

That's fine. It doesn't sound like a rescue team needs to talk you off the ledge about some butterflies about a new women. Take your time. Relax, do stuff, plan for when she gets back.

Not every uncomfortable sensation is a reason to run to a therapist. If you want that fine.

However, everyone feels nervous now and then, the trick is discerning what it paralyzing/pathological from what it simply the body's warning system or a heightened awareness of new/uneasy feelings given the novelty of this situation.

It's also important not to make your nerves her issue. Just take some breaths and make an appointment for down the road if this is a recurrent theme.

[GB11CR7]

Feel bad constantly starting new threads so if mods want to merge this into a new one feel free.

Just a bit of an update

I know this is incredibly subjective but we'd have been dating 8 weeks this Friday (I know I said 3-4 weeks on my original post but I completley didnt realise it was even longer!) and I’m feeling it’s time to ask if she wants to commit as I kind of want to know where I stand. Is this a fair conversation to have with her? I’m in it for the long haul but I don’t know if she is. We certainly get on so well together and we aren’t dating anybody else. I’m pretty sure she feels the same way how she acts and texts but we haven’t had that conversation yet.

The good news is after some of the good advice here I'm still checking myself and getting on with my own life when I'm not with her. I was kind of waiting until we'd had a bit of sexual intimacy which happened for the first time the other night. Everything was fine. I'm just questioining if there's some sort of check list like... do I need to meet the family/friends first kind of thing.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, GB11CR7 said:

Feel bad constantly starting new threads so if mods want to merge this into a new one feel free.

Just a bit of an update

I know this is incredibly subjective but we'd have been dating 8 weeks this Friday (I know I said 3-4 weeks on my original post but I completley didnt realise it was even longer!) and I’m feeling it’s time to ask if she wants to commit as I kind of want to know where I stand. Is this a fair conversation to have with her? I’m in it for the long haul but I don’t know if she is. We certainly get on so well together and we aren’t dating anybody else. I’m pretty sure she feels the same way how she acts and texts but we haven’t had that conversation yet.

The good news is after some of the good advice here I'm still checking myself and getting on with my own life when I'm not with her. I was kind of waiting until we'd had a bit of sexual intimacy which happened for the first time the other night. Everything was fine. I'm just questioining if there's some sort of check list like... do I need to meet the family/friends first kind of thing.

My checklist for being ready to commit had nothing to do with whether we'd had intercourse but I did need chemistry/passion, the desire to be sexual.  Also I had to feel we had the same life goals, values (including character, integrity, work ethic, education-related, religious/spiritual) and that we had fun together and that he was someone I could see marrying in the future.  Everyone has his or her own "list" and some just go on feelings or impulse.  That's what I did. Typically we were exclusively dating within 2 months and had sex much later than that with two exceptions in my life one of which I really regret.  (And to me sexual monogamy is different than exclusively dating because you see serious potential for a future).

Good luck!

[Aleph]

Put it into the back of your mind and really hard wire it in there. She is yours and wants to be with you.

Once you accept and realise this, you will be able to get on with life and a week or even a few weeks will pass by as normal. 

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, GB11CR7 said:

I’m feeling it’s time to ask if she wants to commit as I kind of want to know where I stand. Is this a fair conversation to have with her? I’m in it for the long haul but I don’t know if she is.

Right OP.  Dating, leading possibly to a relationship, should not be this difficult and filled with doubt. I don't think it is a good idea to apply the "check list" notion. Relationships need to be more fluid, indeed more relaxed. I do realise that your anxiety does indeed (as Bolt once said) steer your ship. 

All that said, I get the impression that you intuit that maybe she is not in it for the long haul.  We can only give opinions here, as after all it is your relationship and you are seeing her in the flesh, and we are only seeing you here (in writing) on a screen. 

If she asks you along to meet family and friends, then by all meets do accept.  Has she met yours?

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Unless its just "when we see each other we get physical" kind of thing, if you are going out as a couple for a while, do dates, get intimate, its considered a relationship. There is not really a need to have "the talk" about the commitment unless you are a casual fling and want more. So unless she treats it as such, there is no need for "the talk". So does she? Does she makes an effort? Do you make plans together?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Unless its just "when we see each other we get physical" kind of thing, if you are going out as a couple for a while, do dates, get intimate, its considered a relationship. There is not really a need to have "the talk" about the commitment unless you are a casual fling and want more. So unless she treats it as such, there is no need for "the talk". So does she? Does she makes an effort? Do you make plans together?

I think it's important to know if she wants to keep her options open or is acting on other options.  

[GB11CR7]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Unless its just "when we see each other we get physical" kind of thing, if you are going out as a couple for a while, do dates, get intimate, its considered a relationship. There is not really a need to have "the talk" about the commitment unless you are a casual fling and want more. So unless she treats it as such, there is no need for "the talk". So does she? Does she makes an effort? Do you make plans together?

We certainly act like boyfriend and girlfriend. We've planned to spend a night away in the city next week for a night out/day out the following day. But due to work etc we've only been seeing each other twice a week for the whole evening... either we'll go out for a walk, food or just chill at mine. We managed to have a day out together in the early stages which was nice. She probably makes an effort more than me in terms of arranging stuff. But everything seems so natural and the chemistry is there. This is why I just wanna ask if I can actually call her my girlfriend, I know it's just a label, but I think I'll just feel more at ease if it's out there. At the moment it still just feels like dating which to me is easier to just drop someone if you don't feel like it anymore.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

We certainly act like boyfriend and girlfriend. We've planned to spend a night away in the city next week for a night out/day out the following day. But due to work etc we've only been seeing each other twice a week for the whole evening... either we'll go out for a walk, food or just chill at mine. We managed to have a day out together in the early stages which was nice. She probably makes an effort more than me in terms of arranging stuff. But everything seems so natural and the chemistry is there. This is why I just wanna ask if I can actually call her my girlfriend, I know it's just a label, but I think I'll just feel more at ease if it's out there. At the moment it still just feels like dating which to me is easier to just drop someone if you don't feel like it anymore.

I wouldn't broach it if it's just a label to you.  Only if you want to know whether she intends to see only you and not keep her options open and to discuss whether this potentially could be serious.  

[LaHermes]

45 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

This is why I just wanna ask if I can actually call her my girlfriend

I don't know, OP.  Does she refer to you as her BF?  So, if you were introducing her would you just say "this is Jenny/Louise/Sally" , or say "this is my GF". If you mention her to other people do you refer to her as GF, or just as a "friend" or "my current date". 

I suppose if we get down to it, this is a "girl" who is your "friend". Hence GF. 

Maybe see what happens the next time you are introducing her and say "this is my GF".  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's important to know if she wants to keep her options open or is acting on other options.  

I do agree, that is why I asked how she behaves in a relationship. Just that, at least here where I live, unless one or both sides are casual about it(maybe not hear often, hook around when they see around town but otherwise dont act like in a relationship) its implied that you are in a relationship after you go out on the dates as a couple, are intimate, plan stuff like taking him/her to friends get together to meet them or even just going somewhere together etc. So disclosing are you or not, or if you or other side could date other people is not needed. Because its already implied that you are a couple and that you wont do that.

1 hour ago, GB11CR7 said:

We certainly act like boyfriend and girlfriend. We've planned to spend a night away in the city next week for a night out/day out the following day. But due to work etc we've only been seeing each other twice a week for the whole evening... either we'll go out for a walk, food or just chill at mine. We managed to have a day out together in the early stages which was nice. She probably makes an effort more than me in terms of arranging stuff. But everything seems so natural and the chemistry is there. This is why I just wanna ask if I can actually call her my girlfriend, I know it's just a label, but I think I'll just feel more at ease if it's out there. At the moment it still just feels like dating which to me is easier to just drop someone if you don't feel like it anymore.

I really dont think "the talk" is needed. Enjoy your time together and feel free to introduce her as a girlfriend, dont really think she would mind.

[limichelle]

I would still ask her if she thinks of you two as an official couple. It’s always nice to be 100% sure. I mean it would suck to assume especially when you introduce her to someone “Hi, this is my girlfriend Amanda” and she’s all “Yeah, my good friend Steve.” 
 

So it definitely doesn’t hurt to ask

[boltnrun]

I had a guy I'd been dating for almost a year tell me I was NOT his girlfriend, specifically because we'd never had a "talk".  Ever since then I've thought it's a good idea.  Nothing super heavy, just something like "So just to make sure we're on the same page, you and I are a couple, right?"

[GB11CR7]

Hi All,

Another bit of a bump here but more so to just vent as I really have nowhere or nobody else to discuss this with as I know the issue is with me.

Basically, being with my previous girlfriend for 5 years has made me realise how clingy she was and how much I secretly admired it. Looking back, from the very go she was always wanting to meet, text back straight away and would drop most things to be with me. I never quite felt the same back, but I'm feeling it towards this girl I'm seeing now (but trying my best not to show it). I'm still finding it extremley hard that I only see her twice a week and she's only just started staying over. I'm literally in a state of euphoria when I'm with her but I keep it inside and don't come across this way to her.

Anyway, I've just come back from a long weekend away, told her I missed last night over text but as I'm on the tail end of having bronchitis (I feel better than I did) I suggested she could come over but up to her whether she wanted to stay. (She stopped last week knowing I wa quite bad and was fine with it) She's said to leave it tonight and spend the day together tomorrow. Now, to any normal person this seems a reasonable compromise but I'm pretty gutted as I was expecting to see her even if she only popped in for an hour. I've got the typical old thoughts running round in my head of 'she can't miss me/like me that much if she's happy to go another day'.

Again... just a bit of a vent here, not really looking for advice as I know my ego needs a good shake, but we are literally boyfriend and girlfriend.

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

she was and how much I secretly admired it.

I'm literally in a state of euphoria when I'm with her but I keep it inside and don't come across this way to her.

Ok, playing Mr. Cool is chasing good women away. Work on that. get your ego out of the way. 

This whole "chase me so I can push you away" nonsense is clearly not working for you.

Don't expect women you're cold to to come and nurse you. She should get sick because you have a cough? 

Speak your mind. Your fear of any intimacy whatsoever, ironically is causing you to feel alone.

[Batya33]

Why should she risk getting sick?Also then if she has symptoms she'll have to get a covid test just in case.  Clingy doesn't necessarily mean the person cares.  State of euphoria doesn't necessarily mean you love this person in the sense of loving as giving as opposed to a feeling.  You're evaluating feeling euphoria as proof you love her.  It could be love, could be infatuation and yet you wanted her to want to come over when you were sick and contagious.  Your focus is on your hurt feelings. That's not loving - that's self-absorbed.  

[Cherylyn]

You slow your roll by getting a life of your own.  You slow your roll by stop obsessing over her and becoming a very industrious, productive person.  Obsessing over a person requires time.  Get rid of time to prevent you from being consumed with thinking of her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week which is unhealthy. 

Work hard, do what you enjoy during your off work hours and get busy!  Concentrate on your healthy well being because there's a connection between sound body, sound mind.  Is your home a mess? Declutter, clean and get organized.  Do you have friends and family?  Socialize safely with them.  Do you have hobbies?  Intellectual pursuits?  Do you exercise?  Errands? Chores?

Keep in mind, trust and independence are important in relationships.  Couples who thrive, also have separate interests and a social life outside being a couple.  Successful couples don't do everything together constantly.  Breaks from each other are normal and refreshing.  Being clumped together 24 / 7 feels smothering and suffocating. 

Don't do nothing.  "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." 

[LaHermes]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

Successful couples don't do everything together constantly.  Breaks from each other are normal and refreshing.  Being clumped together 24 / 7 feels smothering and suffocating. 

Absolutely, Cher. 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, GB11CR7 said:

I've got the typical old thoughts running round in my head of 'she can't miss me/like me that much if she's happy to go another day'.

Maybe because your old girlfriend was "clingy" and you got used to it, but you need to leave thoughts like that. Not every girl would have the instict to "nurse you" back to health or to be "obsessed" over you like your ex. In fact, your new girl has pretty healthy boundaries from what you told, so keep up with that. As far as negative thoughts, I would suggest to focus on positive ones. Like that she did see you while you were sick last week and will tonight. Seem to me that she does care. So relax and dont dwell on negative thinkings like that.

[GB11CR7]

Hi all, bit of an update...

So it's been 3 months and all is going well, text every day and see each other twice a week. She's only ever stayed over about 3-4 times though because of our weird working patterns.

However, I want to spend more time with her. We are an item now. I'm talking consecutive days with her without coming across needy or pushing her away. Seeing her for 2 evenings a week really doesn't feel like much time. We've arranged to go away for a couple of nights in November but thats ages away. I get she might not want to stay on a work night but is it too full on for me to ask her to spend a couple nights round here? I feel like I've tried dropping hints already but she's not taking the bait.

I don't think this is being needy and I think I have every right to feel this way and question it.

I'm also pretty sure I love her but again, don't want to weird her out or for it to backfire. Should I just say it?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, GB11CR7 said:

 I want to spend more time with her. 

You can tell her she's welcome any time, but don't forget to go out on dates and don't try to push for too many in home dates and sleep overs.

Make sure you don't drive this into a rut like that when things are looking up. She will stay over if/when she wants to.

Has she invited you to her house?