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Upset about friend's hens


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11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well what I'm thinking is I'll try to buy only cheap headbands like $2 ones preferably. And I can get a bit of balloons but not too many. I was originally thinking of getting her a greeting card and a small present but I won't do that now. I would have thought R could have asked her other bridesmaid to buy some stuff too. I mean she didn't invite me to her wedding so why does she expect me to pay for all this stuff. 

She does because you've shown by your actions you can be pushed around. I would not pay any money as she's not compensating you for your time.  When I was a bridesmaid it wasn't customary like now for bridesmaids even to pay entirely for their dresses and the bride gave us gifts (which weren't my thing but nice thoughtful gesture).  I wouldn't do inexpensive stuff either because that is worse IMO than bowing out so she can have it done to her liking -it will look passive aggressive. (Not that you really have to care what she thinks but....)

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I wouldn't invent an illness.  I would just say I'm sorry, but I won't be able to participate after all.  Sorry for the late notice.

It's very rude to expect you to attend and PAY FOR the bachelorette party but not invite you to the reception.

Reminds me of the time a classmate asked me to help her plan a party.  I started to but then she asked me to help with the guest list.  Welp, I wasn't on it and, she said, well you're not actually invited.  So I stopped helping right there.  Oh yeah, but this was in high school!

It would be a hard no from me.

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Maybe I'm a petty b__ch but I would definitely tell her "something came up and I am unable to organize your hen party or attend your wedding ceremony - sorry" and if she got nasty with me, I would tell her "I'm so sorry you're upset, this is the place I had in mind for your party, please reach out to them!", give her the street address to the McDonalds nearest to her, and then block her. 

Please don't listen to me 😝

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Wow, after reading this thread it just reminds me again why I hate parties, hens, weddings etc etc.  All the crap that goes with it and all the drama, no thanks, lol.  I much prefer to order a pizza, sit in front of the fire and watch a comedy .... in my happy little semi reclusive world. 😄

Tiny, just tell them sorry, something has come up in the family and you are unable to help out.

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10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Reminds me of the time a classmate asked me to help her plan a party.  I started to but then she asked me to help with the guest list.  Welp, I wasn't on it and, she said, well you're not actually invited.  So I stopped helping right there.  Oh yeah, but this was in high school!

Reminds me of the time pre smartphones a friend was coming into my city (from an hour away) with her friends to go out to eat then bar hopping.  She asked me for some recs (didn't invite me) - that was totally fine -I love recommending fun places.  What wasn't ok was when she called me from around 10 blocks from where I lived asking me for detailed directions (pre-google maps) to get to this and that place with her friends.  But still didn't ask if I wanted to come out and join (no I didn't but she could have asked -it was just a hangout) - so I was supposed to stay on the phone and be her navigatrix on and on without being invited -I don't' know, kinda rude.  Yes, even at that level it's a bit rude/clueless.  By contrast this is over the top.

I agree with Capricorn - I had a tiny wedding celebration -ten people - family plus officiant and his wife and  only one friend our best man - and my two girlfriends who knew they weren't invited (because no one was) asked if I wanted a bridal shower or dinner with them.  I chose the latter -no brainer.  And I offered to pay for my share (which they declined) -I simply wanted to hang out with them at a delicious restaurant I'd never been to.  Zero drama.

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Here is my take on why she is doing this:

Inviting you to the ceremony costs $0 and benefits her. You may still feel obligated to bring a gift so cha-ching for her. And she won't pay for you because she won't pay per head like you would in a reception venue. You're another quiet body there on her "side" watching her get married. I'm wondering if maybe she is concerned about not having many people on "her side" during the ceremony (hence, it being lopsided and make it look like few people actually give a damn about her) and asking you to come is a free way to help remedy that. Maybe she asked a lot of people.

Just a thought. 

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