How to be the perfect girlfriend?

[Guest]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

People who think fights create "sexual attraction" are immature and do not know how to conduct healthy relationships.

There are mostly teenagers in my area. 😐 Most of them are 14. They think it's the solution.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

OP. What would make his think you are mad at him?

 

Also I didn't add it into my answer but he said whenever I'm in a bad mood, he gets paranoid.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

It's just that, I've never been a real girlfriend before, I just wanna try my best.

It's not about trying your best or being perfect.  It's about being a good person who cares in general about other humans and the world around her -meaning caring more than simply about yourself and being a reasonably confident person who makes others feel comfortable around her. 

Be a good listener - if he is speaking to you make good eye contact, don't look at your phone, and ask follow up questions that show you're listening and care (if it's something he needs you to care about).  Take an interest in what he is into and if you're not into it that's ok but it's good to know something about it, to be a sport and go with him if it's an activity he likes.  Be easy to be with -but while still showing him you will let him know -politely but firmly -if he is crossing boundaries.  Be on time for dates, be reliable about making and keeping plans.  

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Also I didn't add it into my answer but he said whenever I'm in a bad mood, he gets paranoid.

When you are in a bad mood how does he know?

[Guest]

40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When you are in a bad mood how does he know?

I just have a different tone as I type when I'm in a bad mood, I just sound irritated and make small talk but lately I haven't been in a bad mood as much but I did text him when I got pissed off at something and he noticed.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I just have a different tone as I type when I'm in a bad mood, I just sound irritated and make small talk but lately I haven't been in a bad mood as much but I did text him when I got pissed off at something and he noticed.

So first of all I’d speak more and see each other more in person than typing. If you’re in a bad mood tell him “sorry just not in the best mood to chat - nothing to do with you - can we catch up later please?  Have a good afternoon !”
 And if you are pissed off at him wait till you speak  with him or see him in person - and unless it’s an emergency to tell him wait and see if the next day or so you are still pissed off.  He’s not supposed to be your regular sounding board or therapist.  Once in awhile sure - but like I said be easy to be with.  Pissed off and irritated isn’t easy to be around. 

[Guest]

Just now, Batya33 said:

If you’re in a bad mood tell him “sorry just not in the best mood to chat - nothing to do with you - can we catch up later please?  Have a good afternoon !”
 And if you are pissed off at him wait till you speak  with him or see him in person - and unless it’s an emergency to tell him wait and see if the next day or so you are still pissed off.  He’s not supposed to be your regular sounding board or therapist.  Once in awhile sure - but like I said be easy to be with.  Pissed off and irritated isn’t easy to be around. 

I understand if he's not my therapist. I don't do that to him. If there's a reason for me to be mad then it's usually just a local doing something serious.

I'm not the type of person who gets angry easily, but if I am angry, I just bottle it up and then scribble in my diary to let it out. Then I text him. 

We were really close friends before (still is) so he does know how much of a hot head I used to be. But now I don't get angry as often because one, I text him. two, I really don't care about the people around me unless they're family or in desperate need. 

I tell him everything, if he does something wrong, I'll tell him and talk it out. I hate dramatic people and I won't stoop down to their level to be one. 

[Rose Mosse]

Take your time getting to know one another. It's only been two weeks. Also note that it's all very normal to feel the jitters dating someone new especially not having been in a relationship before.

You mentioned you find something irritating, telling him everything or text him, he gets paranoid and then it leaves you wondering how you can be a better girlfriend. I'm sensing some insecurity there and wondering also if there's a better way to go about things. There's a cycle of anxiety, paranoia and walking on eggshells. These can lessen with time so just tell yourself you're there to observe this person you're dating but it's not written in stone. You're not married to him, you're not engaged and you certainly are not signing up for anything more than to just see what you're both like while dating. If you sense he's becoming paranoid, you may be lacking a filter. Or, he may be a paranoid person and in that case I caution you dating this person. 

The thing with journals is that they are helpful up to a limit. Record your thoughts but see whether problems become bigger to you as you write about them or smaller. How are you thinking or processing about things that bother you? Learn more about yourself using your journal or diary but don't let it overtake your overall mindset. 

When you say you don't really care about the people around you unless they are family or in desperate need you're also isolating yourself unfortunately and putting all your burdens and cares onto one person - your partner. This is dangerous because there may come a time when you will need friends. It's good to continuing developing your friendships and hobbies and interests outside of the relationship. Have fun. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I just have a different tone as I type when I'm in a bad mood, I just sound irritated and make small talk but lately I haven't been in a bad mood as much but I did text him when I got pissed off at something and he noticed.

Why not go back to being just friends?

Clearly you are already at each other's throats and it's only been 14 days of "dating"

What made you declare that this is dating? Is it really FWB?

How did it go from friends to dating? Confessing feelings? Intimacy?

[boltnrun]

It's ok. You're very young and learning about relationships and how they work. Don't put pressure on yourself to know everything right away.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I understand if he's not my therapist. I don't do that to him. If there's a reason for me to be mad then it's usually just a local doing something serious.

I'm not the type of person who gets angry easily, but if I am angry, I just bottle it up and then scribble in my diary to let it out. Then I text him. 

We were really close friends before (still is) so he does know how much of a hot head I used to be. But now I don't get angry as often because one, I text him. two, I really don't care about the people around me unless they're family or in desperate need. 

I tell him everything, if he does something wrong, I'll tell him and talk it out. I hate dramatic people and I won't stoop down to their level to be one. 

What's the purpose of texting him? Why not speak with him when you see him or on the phone if you still then need to share what made you angry?  Why does he need to know every time you're angry about something? I'm married and it would never occur to me to tell my husband everything and certainly to be selective about timing.  I was frustrated and also angry at something he did earlier this week, I realized my anger was not rationally based and it wasn't worth subjecting him to it because I could have made the exact same mistake. 

I did share with a friend that I felt frustrated.  With him I simply shared that we needed a way to make sure this didn't happen again, made some suggestions and told him it could have happened to me, too.  A calmer approach. 

I also knew that my thinking about the "what if" consequences were stressing me out because it's a trigger to me and because I love him and we have a lot on our plate I chose not to subject him to my triggered stress. I felt better the next day, didn't subject him to my venting or get hypercritical about his mistake to share my "frustration" and it was a great way to deal. 

Caring about someone means you don't share all and you don't share all just when you feel like it or in the mode you want to - sometimes i want to send a pissed off text and I don't -because it's cowardly, it can be misunderstood and it gives me a chance to calm down and decide how or whether I need to share.  

Also be selective about criticizing him for doing something wrong and only in person, never ever with typing.  And sandwich it if possible - the outer bread is a compliment, the inner filling is the negative part, then finish with another positive.  And check yourself - how wrong was it? How important is it for you to tell him (again) that he did something that in your opinion is "wrong".  

[smackie9]

BF/GF is a totally different dynamic from being just friends for sure. Do what feels best, do it from the heart. Hope you have a great summer 🙂

[LaHermes]

14 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

he said whenever I'm in a bad mood, he gets paranoid.

Anon.  It is important he addresses this facet of his personality (insecurity, anxiety). 

[Guest]

I feel like some of you guys aren't reading correctly. Let me sum it up with bullet points.

• Talking to him instantly makes me forget why I was in a bad mood in the first place. 
• I could never be mad at him for something he did not do, I'm not the type of person who takes it out on other people.
• I don't share my problems. Sure we talk about everything but I don't talk about everything everything. 
• To answer Wiseman's post, we aren't FWB. We went from liking each other 4 years ago, being really close friends within that 4 years, and then we both decided we should start dating. It was mutual. 
• Him being paranoid about me being mad at him isn't why I started this thread. I already talked it out with him that if he does something wrong, I would communicate it with him so we can work on it together. 
• I made this thread because I never had a boyfriend before and I want to know how to treat him right. That's all.

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Him being paranoid about me being mad at him isn't why I started this thread.

We are reading you quite correctly OP.  

And doing the best we can with the information you provide.

Paranoia is a serious issue, OP.   Just something to ponder. 

 

[Guest]

We don't have problems with each other at all actually. We're happily dating but I just want to know how to treat him right. This is my first official boyfriend. I don't wanna mess things up.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

We are reading you quite correctly OP.  

And doing the best we can with the information you provide.

Paranoia is a serious issue, OP.   Just something to ponder. 

I know that, I reassured him multiple times that I would tell him if he did something. He didn't do anything so far so he's okay with that currently. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, Guest Anonymous said:

We don't have problems with each other at all actually. We're happily dating but I just want to know how to treat him right. This is my first official boyfriend. I don't wanna mess things up.

You'll also learn as you go. Pay attention to signs that you're walking on eggshells or vice versa. Depending on him to lift your mood is also training your brain to believe that you need him to feel better. It's natural to turn to those we respect and care about when we're down but you can also vary it up by engaging in your hobbies or taking a walk, doing something different to take your mind off of a troubling day. 

These days , there are so many troubling things! I don't think you are doing anything wrong and it's way too early. Just keep your eyes open and enjoy your time with each other. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

We went from liking each other 4 years ago, being really close friends within that 4 years, and then we both decided we should start dating.

Ok, hopefully you two can navigate the transition.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. Here are a couple of items I could think of off of the top of my head. 

(1) Communicate when you have problems in a respectful, collaborative way. (Many struggle with communication. I do, too. When feeling generally bad about the relationship, my mantra has become "communicate, stupid!" I've found the more I communicate about serious worries, generally, the better and more secure I feel).

(2) Spend quality time together, doing an activity or activities you both enjoy. E.g., you mentioned running (one can bike alongside if the other runs at a faster pace) 

(3) Treat each other to food, dates, etc. in a way that is equal - but only insofar as you both can afford it. No need to add pressure to both of you by trying to live outside your means. 

(4) Learn about the person he is and take interest in what he says. Do this in person or over the phone in lieu of texting.

(5) Be understanding, supportive, but real/candid when he comes to you for advice or to vent. 

Best of luck. Congratulations on the first relationship. 

[Batya33]

I'm glad you feel better when you talk to him when you are in a bad mood.  And part of being in a relationship -whether romantic or friends -is being other-centered -so even though it makes you feel better consider whether it's a good time for him to text with you or talk to you, how much you've texted him that day already, etc.  So consider him, his feelings, his time, timing.  

Limit what you consider "doing something wrong" and if you approach him do so in as low key a way as possible and without all the "we'll work on this together" -unless it's a very serious issue.  Just my humble opinion.