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Did I land myself in the "No Sexting before Sexing" Soup?


Maxima

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15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yes, and 99% of the "matches" out there will be looking to sext and have sex early on. That's what it is. If you need to take a break, take a break. Or find a better paying app, narrow the filters in age range and distance or an app that has more ability to screen and find closer matches in terms of lifestyle. 

If you simply go on Tinder or any of the other apps, it's about as low as it can get and bottom of the barrel. Be wary that most individuals are fresh out of relationships or still married also. 

Yeah, I've been trying to use these apps and websites on and off for years, in different countries and it's been an absolute sh*tshow. I really guess it boils down to sheer luck, in regards to finding someone who really suits someone well.

The guy in question fits everything I was looking for (educational background, family, dating history, aspirations, children, opinions, interests, etc.) and the discussion is really only about his only slight, which isn't even one. It's just that what we're looking for (casual vs. serious) seems to be different 🤔

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58 minutes ago, Maxima said:

The guy in question fits everything I was looking for (educational background, family, dating history, aspirations, children, opinions, interests, etc.)

Keep in mind that at one month in, you can't possibly be sure about this. You just know that he has a great resume. And you also know that people lie on their resumes all the time. 

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7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Keep in mind that at one month in, you can't possibly be sure about this. You just know that he has a great resume. And you also know that people lie on their resumes all the time. 

I should have added "on paper" 🤣 I 100% don't believe everything someone tells me, hence I am being this cautious. 

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3 hours ago, Maxima said:

Thank you for your well wishes, Batya! I am definitely not trying to play into the "cool chick" role. I just want to take my time with any future online dates and do not want to be full on intense, as that was what happened to me previously, when I thought I had met my "soulmate". He even had my best friends fooled who met him in person. It wasn't until much later that I found out the terms for what he did: lovebombing and futurefaking. 

I am just trying to enjoy the experience without rushing into anything, which may come across as me being the "cool chick". I am definitely NOT okay with how things are, if they progress as they do for another month and will address it when I see him next week. 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me and I will be careful and may call it off. 

Do not online date.  Date in person.  Online sites are one of many awesome ways to meet people. In person.  It’s a way to make a first contact.  Not to type and talk for three weeks before meeting.  That’s if you want a pen pal or a chat buddy.  There’s a huge spectrum between too intense and too passive. You don’t need to know anything about the trendy label “love bomb”.  Simply have a fun fulfilling life so you’re not vulnerable to someone who wants an instant relationship.  
And be willing to put in the effort to show up look nice and be nice within a week of first contact.  Get good at screening over the phone.  I used to exchange one or two emails then one 20 minute phone call for a safety screen plus to determine if I thought we had enough in common to meet in person for about an hour.  That’s all.

I declined to meet anyone who would have wanted to type and talk for longer.  I wasn’t looking for a chat buddy. 
hope this helps and good luck !!

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Well you can do what you like but here is what I think. It doesn't really sound like this guy is looking for a relationship. He said to you that he's open to one but he's not really looking for one. You also said he started sexting you even before you met, right? That's a bad sign and probably means he's just looking for a hookup. I find it off putting when a guy starts sexting before they even met a woman. I don't necessarily call a guy a jerk just because they're looking for sex but if they're not being honest about it then that does make them a bit of a bad guy. If they were honest and upfront and just said they want casual sex then I'd be like: "Cool but I don't so good luck to you".

So if I was you I guess I'd be thinking whether I want to just lose my virginity to this guy because he wants sex and I want to experience sex. Or whether I want to lose my virginity to someone I'm actually in a relationship with and make my first time more special. I think there's no right or wrong answer here. If you want to have sex because you feel ready to have it in general then go for it. But I don't think this guy actually wants a relationship and it may be just an FWB thing. If you're OK with just a sexual relationship while you're still looking for other guys then that's OK. Then if you find a boyfriend you can just be with him instead. But if you don't want to start off your relationship and sexual experience with just FWB then keep looking for someone else.

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11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well you can do what you like but here is what I think. It doesn't really sound like this guy is looking for a relationship. He said to you that he's open to one but he's not really looking for one. You also said he started sexting you even before you met, right? That's a bad sign and probably means he's just looking for a hookup. I find it off putting when a guy starts sexting before they even met a woman. I don't necessarily call a guy a jerk just because they're looking for sex but if they're not being honest about it then that does make them a bit of a bad guy. If they were honest and upfront and just said they want casual sex then I'd be like: "Cool but I don't so good luck to you".

So if I was you I guess I'd be thinking whether I want to just lose my virginity to this guy because he wants sex and I want to experience sex. Or whether I want to lose my virginity to someone I'm actually in a relationship with and make my first time more special. I think there's no right or wrong answer here. If you want to have sex because you feel ready to have it in general then go for it. But I don't think this guy actually wants a relationship and it may be just an FWB thing. If you're OK with just a sexual relationship while you're still looking for other guys then that's OK. Then if you find a boyfriend you can just be with him instead. But if you don't want to start off your relationship and sexual experience with just FWB then keep looking for someone else.

Just in this situation I wouldn't suggest to the OP that this might be an FWB thing.  It wouldn't be.  He's not your close friend who you're deciding to lose your virginity to.  He's someone you've only gone out with a few times in person at most.  If you choose to have intercourse with someone who already told you he's not looking for anything serious it would be because you're now comfortable with a sexual arrangement which might or might not continue after the first time you have intercourse.  

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19 hours ago, Maxima said:

Yeah, I've been trying to use these apps and websites on and off for years, in different countries and it's been an absolute sh*tshow. I really guess it boils down to sheer luck, in regards to finding someone who really suits someone well.

The guy in question fits everything I was looking for (educational background, family, dating history, aspirations, children, opinions, interests, etc.) and the discussion is really only about his only slight, which isn't even one. It's just that what we're looking for (casual vs. serious) seems to be different 🤔

It's about incompatible goals and outlooks.  In 2001 I was in my 30s and met a guy online who was incredibly handsome, literally brilliant with a prestigious career, very romantic and easy to talk to.  And very promiscuous.  And unapologetic about it.  And he actually was serious minded in one way but his strong preference was to have sex right away and exclusivity didn't matter. I made it clear on date one that wasn't my thing at all - told him about my stance on it.  Date three he invited me to his home.  I agreed and told him exactly what I was comfortable with.  He still tried but not in a harassing or assaulting kind of way at all.  For about two months we'd have sleepovers and no sex.  I was over the moon about him. 

And no I wasn't leading him on - he knew exactly where I stood.  We were somehwat intimate and did not have intercourse.  He ended things after two months.  About 1.5 years later he asked me out again.  Told him I still felt the same way.  We went out 3 times maybe and he ended it again (no we didn't have sex). 

He actually met his future wife a few years later and invited me to the engagement party (they didn't marry till years later, after he moved to another state far away).  We stayed in touch.  He'd flirt with me once in awhile over instant messenger, complain that his wife couldn't have sex right after giving birth, and yes he cheated on her while they were dating and engaged (not sure if when married).

I tell you this because yes he did "settle down" eventually -I met his wife, lovely woman and very very smart.  

I have one other example of a reformed player (no I am not "judging'" -he described himself this way and I'd known him and his family for a long time before we dated) I dated who then later met his future wife and contacted me inappropriately a couple of times.  But -  those are two examples.  Many many people I am sure who later on want a serious relationship find one and are faithful.  What I am saying is that at the time they are not looking for serious it should be a total dealbreaker for you and especially if the person has been promiscuous as an adult (especially) there's a higher risk of him wanting to continue that lifestyle longer or perhaps be very very tempted while in a serious relationship kind of like the old habits die hard.

It's not a little thing -it's a dealbreaker. 

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On 6/20/2021 at 4:29 PM, Maxima said:

I'm just finding it really hard to manoeuvre online dating. I got burned really bad last year by someone who made me feel comfortable and respected my pace and then blindsided me by ghosting me the following day after we spent time together. 

Why does it always have to be OLD? Why not try real life dating?

 

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My boyfriend's had a few one night stands and has dabbled in casual sex. He however never pushed for sexual stuff and was prob one of the couple of guys I've ever dated that didn't 'try his luck'. It made me like him more. 

We had sex after we got into a relationship and I was the one that decided where it lead. 

If you wanna date this guy, just know he's not looking for anything and just wants to bang. Guys that are looking for substance will show it with actions. Casual sex is fine, but it won't be for you. 

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In general terms, if you want something, you have to reject everything that is not that. 

If you want a blue car, you shouldn't buy a red car hoping it will turn blue.

Same with people. If you want a relationship, you stick with guys that say, I want a relationship. "Open to a relationship" is double talk.

You'll waste a lot of time jumping through hoops, damaging your self worth pleasing him because of that "potential" he mentioned. 

Regardless of what he is on paper, I think you're seeing the real him, if you choose to see it clearly.

It's not that complicated. 

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