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Did I land myself in the "No Sexting before Sexing" Soup?


Maxima
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Hey Forum and sorry about the long post!

To set the scene, I am late 20s(F) dating a late 20s(M) guy I met via OLD. It's been around a month now but we've been talking for longer. By circumstances (school, work, moving countries, etc.) I'm a virgin and mostly inexperienced in the dating world, especially if the person is a complete stranger. 

I have done some sexual things in the past with other people but there were always with friends or people I knew from my social circles. Just haven't been able to trust anyone enough to go all the way. 

I am now looking for a serious relationship but want to take things slow (I rushed before and it was a bloody disaster). However, by my own admission, I am thirsty as hell and do not want to wait forever. I just don't want it to happen outside of some form of a committed relationship, in case I form emotional attachments, which I am 1000% sure will happen. I know myself that well. 

So, the guy I've been going on dates with has been somewhat patient with me, always checking before he touched me certain ways, etc. I made him wait three weeks before we actually met in person, I shut down a sexting attempt before we actually met IRL. So far, we've met up twice and touched and made out on both dates, so I know the sexual attraction is there. 

Now we've recently started sexting and I don't know if I am encouraging him seeing me as a "piece of meat" rather than a serious potential partner. He has stated that he'd be open to a relationship but wasn't explicitly looking for this, while I told him I was looking for a serious relationship down the line but didn't want to rush and wanted to enjoy the dating experience itself. 

So, what are your thoughts and opinions? I am aware that the best way to get my answers will be when I see him again soon but I would still like some opinions from people who do not know either of us. Thank you!

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12 minutes ago, Maxima said:

I am aware that the best way to get my answers will be when I see him again soon

Don't be so sure. Some people capitalize on being ambiguous. They have a knack for making you feel like you got a good answer when they've given you a noncommittal answer. For example:

9 minutes ago, Maxima said:

He has stated that he'd be open to a relationship but wasn't explicitly looking for this

This is pretty much dangling a carrot in front of you. It will probably stay out of reach. You will definitely get sex from this guy, but probably not a relationship.

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54 minutes ago, Maxima said:

I just don't want it to happen outside of some form of a committed relationship

Why dont you form a relationship then before sexting and stuff like that? Explain that you need time for that step, go out for a while, and when you feel comfortable then do it. In that time while he waits you will see if he is commited or just wants something casual. I mean, you are both pretty young, hormones are probably off the charts and all. But if you dont want anything before commiting to somebody, then make a serious relationship first with somebody who is willing to wait for you to be comfortable to do the thing.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I think a guy that starts sexting this early on isn't typically relationship material. 

Yeah, it did set off my alarm bells initially but I didn't mind it once we had actually met in person to establish that we were physically attracted to each other. Just don't know if this is "common" (when looking for something serious) per se, and what you've said seems reinforce this. 

53 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Don't be so sure. Some people capitalize on being ambiguous. They have a knack for making you feel like you got a good answer when they've given you a noncommittal answer. For example:

This is pretty much dangling a carrot in front of you. It will probably stay out of reach. You will definitely get sex from this guy, but probably not a relationship.

Again, this is very true. Thanks for your input.

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17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why dont you form a relationship then before sexting and stuff like that? Explain that you need time for that step, go out for a while, and when you feel comfortable then do it. In that time while he waits you will see if he is commited or just wants something casual. I mean, you are both pretty young, hormones are probably off the charts and all. But if you dont want anything before commiting to somebody, then make a serious relationship first with somebody who is willing to wait for you to be comfortable to do the thing.

This may sound really dumb, but I honestly don't know how to "form" a relationship with someone from OLD platforms. I wanted to see if he was interested in becoming exclusive, lay things out clearly, after I meet him again next week, and if he isn't, I was planning on ending things then. 

I also don't want it to come across like I am holding sex over his head. I am also the other party that wants sex. Just not interested in doing it as a fling or ONS. Thanks for your advice! 

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10 minutes ago, Maxima said:

I also don't want it to come across like I am holding sex over his head.

You know, if he starts to make you feel like you are, it's just another red flag. A guy that's truly interested in a long term relationship with you will be happy to let you set the pace for sex.

Edited by Jibralta
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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You know, if he starts to make you feel like you are, it's just another red flag. A guy that's truly interested in a long term relationship with you will be happy to let you set the pace for sex.

I 100% agree with you there. I meant it more like if I were to present it to him as "if you don't continue with me and give me a relationship, I will not give you sex" like it's a weird exchange of services almost. That's what I meant by the previous statement, as I don't want that to happen. 

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1 minute ago, Maxima said:

I meant it more like if I were to present it to him as "if you don't continue with me and give me a relationship, I will not give you sex" like it's a weird exchange of services almost. That's what I meant by the previous statement, as I don't want that to happen. 

No, I get it. But if you are with a suitable partner, you will never feel that way. The guy will make sure you feel comfortable. If you feel pressure, overt or not, it's a bad sign. 

Something else you can do that worked for me when I was single: tell him he has to pass a full panel of std tests before you have sex with him. 

Edited by Jibralta
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3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

No, I get it. But if you are with a suitable partner, you will never feel that way.

That's true and I agree with you there again. I'm just finding it really hard to manoeuvre online dating. I got burned really bad last year by someone who made me feel comfortable and respected my pace and then blindsided me by ghosting me the following day after we spent time together. So I'm always second guessing people's intentions, you could say. 

I guess it also doesn't help that the experience I have from dating is usually with people I knew quite well as we were friends or in my social circle. 

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You want different things and it feels like hes playing ball because he knows he will be able to hookup easily after the first time. I think you may want to redirect because your wasting your time on someone who isnt of the same mindset. Your confidence will take a big hit when you guys hookup and he doesnt want to settle into something monogamous and you'll be far more hurt when he starts to give the same attention to someone else. 

You seem to know what you want, good! Now be highly selective and open finding the right fella to invest your time in. Being patient is annoyingly hard, especially when you're in the mood. As a woman in my 20s I'd suggest you invest in an arsenal of fun bedroom toys and learn yourself. I'm doing that now and getting past years of awful sex, and it could have been avoided if I just got familiar with myself beforehand. This also relieves that pent up feeling that unfortunately clouds our minds.

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3 minutes ago, Maxima said:

I'm just finding it really hard to manoeuvre online dating. I got burned really bad last year by someone who made me feel comfortable and respected my pace and then blindsided me by ghosting me the following day after we spent time together. So I'm always second guessing people's intentions, you could say. 

I hear ya. Like @Ivoryleague said:

3 minutes ago, Ivoryleague said:

Being patient is annoyingly hard, especially when you're in the mood.

But you'll be so much better off if you let the slag fall away.

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1 minute ago, Ivoryleague said:

You want different things and it feels like hes playing ball because he knows he will be able to hookup easily after the first time. I think you may want to redirect because your wasting your time on someone who isnt of the same mindset. Your confidence will take a big hit when you guys hookup and he doesnt want to settle into something monogamous and you'll be far more hurt when he starts to give the same attention to someone else. 

You seem to know what you want, good! Now be highly selective and open finding the right fella to invest your time in. Being patient is annoyingly hard, especially when you're in the mood. As a woman in my 20s I'd suggest you invest in an arsenal of fun bedroom toys and learn yourself. I'm doing that now and getting past years of awful sex, and it could have been avoided if I just got familiar with myself beforehand. This also relieves that pent up feeling that unfortunately clouds our minds.

Thank you for your input! 

Yeah, if that were to happen, my confidence and ego would hit rock bottom. I am just trying to be more open and give people a chance, as I have been very closed off. Even if it's simply to gain dating experience. I will see how things go after this week and make my decision then. Thanks to COVID, I have nothing better to do.

And I have a multitude of sex toys I've been using for years, so I'm pretty much covered in that department. I guess I am just seeking human warmth, connection, intimacy and the after sex/orgasm cuddles and aftercare.

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1 minute ago, Ivoryleague said:

I totally get that, toys do not replace the man in any way, they're just like the bread stick before the meal. You're on the right path, he, the right he, just has to cross it!

I love that metaphor 🤣 Thank you and I also wish you the best of luck (if you're searching atm) ☺️

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22 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Something else you can do that worked for me when I was single: tell him he has to pass a full panel of std tests before you have sex with him. 

I just saw your edit. This will also be part of the discussion I will have with him when I see him again because I am STI paranoid and not here to catch them all! 

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I get a really strong sense that you have this conflict between wanting to be the cool chick and wanting to remain true to your values.  On line sites are just ways to meet someone in person ASAP to see if you should go on a date -nothing to navigate other than additional safety screening IMO which you would do also if you met a stranger at a party or bar.  Please stay true to your values. 

A person who tells your right away he's not particularly focused on looking for a serious relationship wants you to know that so you can't claim later to have been lead to believe he was -especially if you have sex with him prior to being exclusive.  I'm in my mid 50s.  I always waited a long time before having sex with one exception (two months instead of the more typical 5 months plus) and that exception was a mistake.  I regret it.  I met many men through on line dating.  I was not comfortable with "sexting" (well it was through messenger) unless we were an established committed couple. In fact I preferred to get to know the person in person and secondarily through phone calls, not typing.  

I agree with the STD testing requirement. Also be clear on how you both would deal with an accidental pregnancy and make sure you're on the same wavelength about that.

I met over 100 men in person through dating sites. Most of them were really good people and respectful.  A few were not, oh well.

Good luck and hope you meet someone you match well with!

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2 hours ago, Maxima said:

He has stated that he'd be open to a relationship but wasn't explicitly looking for this, while I told him I was looking for a serious relationship down the line but didn't want to rush and wanted to enjoy the dating experience itself. 

So, you have been dealing with this one for a month.... and he's said this to you?

Did you ask him what exactly he is looking for?

4 weeks is not too long- but I'm sure some eventual 'expectations' will be present.

So, you should maybe communicate a little here & see 'how' he feels now.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Maxima said:

It's been around a month. I just don't want it to happen outside of some form of a committed relationship

Unfortunately talking for a month is not "a committed relationship". If you would rather wait until you feel ready, just say so/do so.

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He is not what you're looking for. If you're not comfortable with your interactions, stop doing it with him. I'm referring to sexting or inappropriate sexual comments so early on. Keep things very simple for yourself. Don't let boredom or the excuse of covid get the better of you or change what you're looking for in a partner. Those things don't change regardless of the world melting down. 

Good for you for putting yourself out there but stop when you need to stop and never be afraid to delete his number. 

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28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I get a really strong sense that you have this conflict between wanting to be the cool chick and wanting to remain true to your values. 

Thank you for your well wishes, Batya! I am definitely not trying to play into the "cool chick" role. I just want to take my time with any future online dates and do not want to be full on intense, as that was what happened to me previously, when I thought I had met my "soulmate". He even had my best friends fooled who met him in person. It wasn't until much later that I found out the terms for what he did: lovebombing and futurefaking. 

I am just trying to enjoy the experience without rushing into anything, which may come across as me being the "cool chick". I am definitely NOT okay with how things are, if they progress as they do for another month and will address it when I see him next week. 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me and I will be careful and may call it off. 

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33 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

So, you have been dealing with this one for a month.... and he's said this to you?

Did you ask him what exactly he is looking for?

4 weeks is not too long- but I'm sure some eventual 'expectations' will be present.

So, you should maybe communicate a little here & see 'how' he feels now.

 

 

Yeah, he said that to me when we started talking. I've not asked him properly again since. I am definitely happy to let him know again now but I think it's better to have the discussion in person, rather than via text. I think I'll be able to gauge his reactions better then too. Thank you for your input! 

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19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately talking for a month is not "a committed relationship". If you would rather wait until you feel ready, just say so/do so.

Hello Wiseman! I see your input everywhere and one of your previous comments actually helped me get over being ghosted last year! So thanks for that first 🙂

A month is definitely not long enough to be in a committed relationship. I couldn't find a better term. I think maybe "exclusivity" and general "being on the same page" would apply better here. I will definitely wait and continue to do so and I have informed him of this and my going slow on the first date we had. 

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Posted (edited)
18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

He is not what you're looking for. If you're not comfortable with your interactions, stop doing it with him. I'm referring to sexting or inappropriate sexual comments so early on. Keep things very simple for yourself. Don't let boredom or the excuse of covid get the better of you or change what you're looking for in a partner. Those things don't change regardless of the world melting down. 

Good for you for putting yourself out there but stop when you need to stop and never be afraid to delete his number. 

Yeah, with the way things are looking, I might end things when I see him again. It's not that I am uncomfortable, it's just me thinking of how I'm presenting myself to him- saying one thing and doing another. Hormones and being bored definitely don't help matters 🤣 But you are spot on and I heed your advice for future encounters. OLD is such a touch battlefield. 

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5 minutes ago, Maxima said:

Yeah, with the way things are looking, I might end things when I see him again. It's not that I am uncomfortable, it's just me thinking of how I'm presenting myself to him- saying one thing and doing another. Hormones and being bored definitely don't help matters 🤣 But you are spot on and I heed your advice for future encounters. OLD is such a touch battlefield. 

Yes, and 99% of the "matches" out there will be looking to sext and have sex early on. That's what it is. If you need to take a break, take a break. Or find a better paying app, narrow the filters in age range and distance or an app that has more ability to screen and find closer matches in terms of lifestyle. 

If you simply go on Tinder or any of the other apps, it's about as low as it can get and bottom of the barrel. Be wary that most individuals are fresh out of relationships or still married also. 

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