children He’s living two different lives

[BlueEyedMama]

Me and my fiancé have been together for almost 4yrs. We have a child together and both of us have a child/children from a previous marriage. I have full custody of my oldest, she doesn’t see her dad. My fiancé has joint custody of his two kids, which I find to be very disruptive to every day life. At this point, his custody situation is really causing a lot of problems. His children refuse to come to our house - say they are uncomfortable here. They stay at his parents during his visitation. Typical grandparents. No responsibilities, waited in hand and foot, no consequences, no rules really. Might I add, I have never been mean, never disciplined, never even raised my voice towards them. To give you an idea, the 11yr old girl and 13yr old boy baby talk. Yes!! Baby talk!! They whine and manipulate, cry and pout to get their way, no matter the situation. My oldest daughter, has pretty much been given no choice but to embrace the blended family life and I feel she has adjusted well. She went from being an only child to having a sibling and step siblings. his on the other hand are catered to and coddled. We even take separate family vacations at this point which I think is absolutely ridiculous. I think if his kids aren’t “comfortable”going on a family vacation, then they shouldn't be getting one of their own. I think them saying they are not comfortable is yet another manipulation tactic, but I could be wrong. Anyways. My biggest issue, I feel that his joint custody arrangement is really interfering with every day living. I work night shift, he works days. We barely have time for each other, hardly see each other during the week. Every other weekend consists of him being at his parents, on top of 2-3 days out of the week. I have tried to tell him that I don’t think it’s fair they are causing such a divide, I also don’t think it’s fair he is constantly gone and I am stuck taking care of the house by myself. It is very difficult to keep up with yard work, house work, a toddler and a 14yr old. I feel I have a part time relationship because of all of this. I feel like if he is going to see them at his parents, he should limit his evening time to 1hr max, so he can spend time with our daughter - how fair is it she only gets part time visitation too, but also to help me with yard work, house work and everything in between. He thinks I am trying to keep him away from his kids - but that’s what his ex wife says. Might I add, she doesn’t have them often. Usually every other weekend, they are pretty much dumped at his parents or hers during the week. I am getting to the point, I’m ready to make him move in with his parents. Life would be so much easier if I would suck it up and ignore it. Just continue to handle everything on my own, but it’s exhausting! I feel so overwhelmed. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, BlueEyedMama said:

He thinks I am trying to keep him away from his kids. I’m ready to make him move in with his parents.

Sorry this is happening. Stay in your own lane. You are trying to keep him from his children. Is it your house?

[BlueEyedMama]

It is my house, yes. I pay almost all of the bills too. I’m not asking him to quit seeing them, I’m asking for him to start helping me. To quit allowing them to make our relationship one sided because he has to be away from home all the time. It’s hard to go to work at 7pm, get up in the after noon to mow the grass while the toddler naps after working the night before. My 14yr old does so much stuff to help me already!! Laundry, dishes, cleaning, taking out the trash, babysitting - just to name a few. She is a kid too, her focus should be on sports and school, she also deserves time to play and have fun with friends, live life as a child while she still can. Adulthood isn’t too far away for her.  

[DancingFool]

What are you getting out of this relationship?

[lostandhurt]

Obviously this situation is not working for you but is awesome for him.

He doesn't have to be the bad guy and lets his children control his life while you take care of everything else.

  Either you are a family or you are not.  Right now you certainly are not a family. 

This isn't his children nor his parents doing it is all on him.  He has allowed this to continue so what are you asking for?  Be clear and list what you want to change so we can see if you are being unreasonable of not.  I don't think you are but give us a list of the changes you want.

Lost

[boltnrun]

He's not going to want to stop seeing his own children or shorten his time with them. Nor should he.

If you need help with household chores, can you two hire a gardener and a cleaning service?

[SooSad33]

49 minutes ago, BlueEyedMama said:

My fiancé has joint custody of his two kids, which I find to be very disruptive to every day life. At this point, his custody situation is really causing a lot of problems. His children refuse to come to our house - say they are uncomfortable here. They stay at his parents during his visitation. Typical grandparents. No responsibilities, waited in hand and foot, no consequences, no rules really.

Is none of your business what happens at the grandparents place.. That's what they do.. spoil their grandkids 😉 . They are 'away from home'.. taking a break.

IF you wanted to have kids with this guy.. his kids come with the package... however 'disruptive' it is.

 

52 minutes ago, BlueEyedMama said:

I think if his kids aren’t “comfortable”going on a family vacation, then they shouldn't be getting one of their own. I think them saying they are not comfortable is yet another manipulation tactic, but I could be wrong.

Again... not your problem.. that is his side.

 

53 minutes ago, BlueEyedMama said:

My biggest issue, I feel that his joint custody arrangement is really interfering with every day living. I work night shift, he works days. We barely have time for each other,

This is how it is.. being a parent ( & blended families).  Focus is a lot on others.

 

54 minutes ago, BlueEyedMama said:

I have tried to tell him that I don’t think it’s fair they are causing such a divide, I also don’t think it’s fair he is constantly gone and I am stuck taking care of the house by myself. It is very difficult to keep up with yard work, house work, a toddler and a 14yr old. I feel I have a part time relationship because of all of this

A lot of this is about YOU.. What about him?

 

55 minutes ago, BlueEyedMama said:

I feel I have a part time relationship because of all of this. I feel like if he is going to see them at his parents, he should limit his evening time to 1hr max

For one hour?  Does he not deserve some actual 'quality time' with his kids?

 

Okay.. so you feel overwhelmed. 

Maybe... when you two are at home, together.. try to spend a good few hours 'in peace'.  Enjoy each other's company.  Get out for some air.. sit with the kids, go for a walk.. order take out.

Other than that, it's called parenting.  And each relationship re: kids is different.  This is yours.

 

[BlueEyedMama]

So maybe I need to make a few clarifications… Shortening his time with his kids, what about our family?? We have a family together too! I said for an hour of an evening, I meant to say during the week, the weekends he has them? His weekends he is gone 12+hrs, that’s fine. I’m not complaining about that. At all!! But during the week, Instead of being there from the time he gets off work until after 8pm (total of 4hrs or more) 2-3 days out of the week (meaning Monday through Thursday) I get the whole parenting thing and enjoying your kids, but my frustration comes from not being able to enjoy my kids. I’m busy working 4 nights a week, 12hr shifts, grocery shopping, cleaning, picking up, dropping off, yard work, repairs whatever needs done at our house. I feel like my weekends are consumed of me catching up on what I didn’t get done during the week. Yes, hiring someone would be simple, but financially can I really afford to do that, but what about our family time too?? I don’t think I should have to call my dad to fix something, or haul something or pick up something or help me with chores. We are almost 40 and yet, here I am calling my parents for help - all the time!! To the point, I am pretty sure I get on their nerves. Please don’t think he has a low paying job, because he doesn’t. We make about the same and our income is higher end middle class, except I am paying for all the necessities and anytime we do something, and he gets to blow his on fun and whatever he and his kids want to do. I say his kids - he forgets we have a child together!! She misses out on her dad time too!! What about her?? The comment about - what am I getting out of this relationship. Thank you, because that triggered something. I actually realized, I don’t get much. Money, sex, family, love. I really don’t get any of that stuff. I’m not benefiting really. I think I give wayyyy more than I receive and yet I just keep giving. Yes, this post is mostly about me, because it was about my thoughts, needs and my feelings. I’m not trying to sound heartless, because I am far from it, but I’m really starting to think I’m just being taken advantage of. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, BlueEyedMama said:

 I’m really starting to think I’m just being taken advantage of. 

Unfortunately that may be the case if he dumps his kids for his parents to watch.

Just curious. Is this a supervised visitation scenario he has not told you about?

Maybe you are seeing why he's divorced now? He's an absentee father with your (joint) child and his own kids.

As well as an absentee partner. Yes, your older child should not be doing what he should be doing.

Sorry this seems like being a single parent while he farms out responsibilities to everyone else. . 

[Rose Mosse]

He also seems to have a toxic and bitter ex. Why is it any of a surprise to you that his relationships suck in general and his children are moody, manipulative and dysfunctional? Rethink all of this. 

I think you've walked into a minefield of unresolved family problems and issues. He's not going to change if he's already accusing you of keeping him away from his kids. He sees himself as a victim, not a proactive or active parent. Why put up with this sort of crazy?