please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[gradle]

hi everyone,

so i woke up this morning upset....i can't believe those people here just ditched me...i went to them the first thing after j and i broke up and they acted so understanding...j was the one that said that they couldn't hang out with him and me together... i don't understand b/c right after we broke up, they called me to hang out and we did, adn i thought everyone had fun...but after that they just started ditching me...

 

i'm hurt... he hurt me, they don't care about me. bad people? if they do call me do i just try and be the bigger person and forget about it? i'm not in a position to give up any friends here, no matter how crappy they are...and i'm angry with j for putting me in this situation. plus, as awful as it is, i would like to get a straight story as to how he's doing, and i do'nt know if he would give that to me, these people had said they'd always be there for me and they're lying.

anyways it's a new day and i hate not having anything planned....

[Hope75]

Good morning Gradle,

 

*sigh* yesterday's post sounded really positive, I'm proud of you for keeping busy. Shopping is breat therapy and as you say it's so nice to put on cute things and realize how attractive you are!

 

BUT (and you knew this was coming...)

 

i did something slightly stalkerish, on my way home i drove by j's dorm to make sure his car was there, so i would know he got back from the long drive okay... i'm hoping the next time he calls he'll know that i'm doing okay, and he'll start realizing what he's missing out on...

 

You know this wasn't cool. You yourself said it was stalkerish, and it was. Could you ever imagine yourself being so desperate? Think about it! Take an example from him. If he hasn't called in a few days, you take a few days off and focus on you. I think it's great that you are hanging out with some friends and yes I think even hanging out casually with the guy who wanted your phone number would be good for you.

 

As for the friends who aren't being very supportive right now, who knows what is going on there. They may feel put in the middle because it really sounds like to a degree you are using them as a go between for you and J, you are asking them about him and hoping in turn they will tell him about how you are, that's not fair and I can understand if they are feeling this way why they haven't called you.

 

Mentor brought up a great point:

Your ex is contacting you far too frequently for an ex. He is causing so much damage to you by doing this. I think that his reasons for calling you are likely very selfish as well. He is worried about the hurt he has inflicted on you and needs to assuage his guilt by trying to be there for you now. Unfortunately, as the source of your pain, this is not a role that he can play. He needs to understand this and give you some space to heal a little bit. If he can not figure this out on his own, I think that you should consider telling him. Almost impossibly hard, I know, but you need to start looking out for yourself here, no one else

 

You mentioned that J felt guilty for having you move up here and then the subsequent breakup. I agree that he feels partly responsible for your level of pain and so he's trying to be supportive, but he can't really be the one to comfort you because he cannot and will not at this time give you what you want from him.

 

It's a beautiful day in Boston today, how about strapping on your walkman and throwing on some sneakers and gym shorts and getting outside for a long walk?

[gradle]

another thing,

should i ask him what he's doing the weekend of his birthday next time he calls, he doesn't have that many close friends here, and i had tried to surprise with getting all his old friends up here for that weekend, but hten we broke up and i quit that, but i don't want him to feel at all lonely that weekend...and of course i would love to see him....

-g

[lakergal]

umm..

 

NO! Do not ask him to do anything with you! Nothing, nada, zilch, zero.

 

Act very non-chalant the next time he calls... friendly, fun, etc but NO heavy stuff.

 

HE chose this path, he chose to leave you, he chose to abandon you, he chose single over being with you...

 

Don't let him string you along any further... Listen to what the others have said - Great day in Boston, go for a walk, get outside, go to the beach, hit the trails, drive north to NH, eat lobster...

 

This sounds pretty cold and heartless but I WISH I'd listened to Nap on here about doing my own thing and keeping my distance...

 

By asking him about his birthday you sound desparate; by asking him to do anything, you sound desparate.

 

Like I said, polite, friendly, fun when he calls but do not call him!

 

Sending good thoughts your way - I know how hard it is. Until last weekend when my ex finally was busted on stringing me along, I was in the same spot... missing him, hurting,... blah, blah, blah... yuck. I'm better than that... and so are you!

[gradle]

uggghhhh, all this is so hard.....

[DN]

It is - really hard. But you are strong and you can do it. Especially with all the folks on here helping you and supporting you. Remember, we are all on your side and want you to be happy.

[gradle]

it is a beautiful day in boston, and i've neglected my kittens, my apartment, so many things i have to clean today, i'm getting to the point that i haven't washed my dishes in like a week....i must do something . it's just so hard to stay at home, because all i do is think about him...it's like all i ever want to do is go out and get drinks and just keep busy, but i'm neglecting my kitties and it's really taking a toll on them...it is a beautiful day and i'm gonna make myself do things that i've been needing to do... even though it feels so hard...

[Hope75]

should i ask him what he's doing the weekend of his birthday next time he calls, he doesn't have that many close friends here, and i had tried to surprise with getting all his old friends up here for that weekend, but hten we broke up and i quit that, but i don't want him to feel at all lonely that weekend...and of course i would love to see him....

-g

 

Gradle, I think you know the answer to this, it is of course, NO.

 

If you keep asking him to get together, asking him what his plans are, asking him how he feels, you are not giving him the space he asked for, the space he demanded by breaking up with you.

 

I am sorry to sound harsh, but you will continue to smother him if you keep this up, you don't want to be that way, do you?

 

Someone made a comment about it being desperate if you keep asking, and I agree. The more you harp and hang on, the more you are going to drive him away. If he wants to see you on his birthday he will call you about that. Let him be.

 

You haven't done your dishes in a week, it's beautiful day outside, you have things to do. As Muneca said, even if you have to force yourself to go through the motions, do it. At least until it feels real. You are just shutting down, and it's so bad for you! You need to take care of yourself.

 

When you learn to happy with yourself, by yourself, that's when you can truly say you are ready to consider getting back with J. Till then, it's just putting a bandaid on the problem. I don't think he would consider coming back until he thought you were doing well on your own anyway, since his major complaint is that he felt controlled and smothered.

 

Hang in there! Get outside! Wash some plates! Love your kitties!

 

It's a lovely day! 8)

[avman]

Hello gradle,

 

I've been reading over your posts and I am very concerned about you. I know you care very deeply for this guy, but you have really begun a process that looks a lot more like obsession than love. This guy is NOT the end all of human existence no matter how wonderful he might seem. And he does not define who you are - only you can do that. The way you have been hanging on and hanging on is not going to make you more attractive to this guy. The only thing that's going to make a difference right now is time.

 

I can't believe I'm going to use this metaphor, but since you are cat lover I think it will make sense. If you are holding your cat, and your cat wants to get down off you you can do one of two things:

 

You can let the cat get down, and the cat will return later when he's ready for some more affection.

 

OR

 

You can hold on to your cat tighter so that he can't leave. The cat will then of course struggle, complain, try to claw or bite you, and generally be completely miserable until you finally let him go. Then your cat will sulk for awhile and not come back for a much longer period than if you had simply let him go in the first place.

 

Please forgive me again for the comparison, but I think relationships can work in a very similar way. The more you hold on and restrain the other person, the more they just want to get away from you and are traumatized by the experience. You must learn to let go and not hang on to someone with a death grip if you are to have any hope of a healthy relationship.

 

Like Hope mentioned, you need to go on living your life. It's a beautiful day, the dishes need doing, the kitties need love. Those things are what life is all about. Neglecting yourself isn't going to do you any good. You need to focus on yourself right now and let him focus on him. Don't call, don't "make him see how much you care", don't worry about what he is doing. Worry only about what you are doing.

[danimal77]

I have to agree FULLY with everything Avman just wrote. This has worked in my favor time and time again.

 

To further exemplify Avman's point (cat analogy), there are a couple of interesting quotes here that are VERY significant and hold extreme validity and DO apply to yours and everyone else's situation (No Exception), including MY OWN. Why? Because it is human nature:

 

"Desire often creates paradoxical effects: The more you want something, the more you chase after it, the more it eludes you. The more interest you show, the more you repel the object of your desire. This is because your interest is too strong. It makes people awkward, even fearful. Uncontrollable desire makes you seem weak, unworthy, pathetic. You need to turn your back on what you want, show your contempt and disdain."

 

"What withdraws, what becomes scarce, suddenly seems to deserve our respect and honor. What stays too long, inundating us with its presense, makes us disdain it. The more you are seen and heard from, the more your value degrades. You become a habit. No matter how hard you ry to be different, subtly, without your knowing why, people respect you less and less. At the right moment you must learn top withdraw yourself before they unconsciously push you away. Make yourself less accessible and you increase the value of your presense."

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Mun]

I hope you aren't serious about planning a birthday party for him. That is the last thing you should be doing. You are not the only one to do something like this... and do you really want to be remembered as that sad ex gf who planned a party her ex didn't even show up at ---a possibility you don't want so don't do it...

 

I liked avman's cat story, my cat tries to bite me when I hold her down.

 

Sounds like you have plenty of things to keep you busy today. Get to it girl. Time to take care of YOU.

 

You got to live for you!

[Hope75]

Gradle,

 

Avman has some very good points. I know how though this is for you, and I hope that with the advice of all here on enotalone you can begin to see how important it is for you to take care of yourself right now.

 

You are an important and valuable person and you deserve to make yourself happy, and not have that contigent on you ex and whether he decides to come back. You are the one with the power here. You can make your life a great place to be.

 

Hopefully now you are enjoying the beautiful day outside! I just went down the beach with my dog and it was heavenly. There is so much to do and see, and Boston, come on girl, the best city in the world!

 

Let us know how the day goes, OK?

[annie24]

Danimal and Avman are absolutely right with their posts. bf/gf relationship are like cats, if you try to hold on, they will get resentful and run away. And when you are aloof and not paying attention to them, they come and sit on your lap and want to cuddle.

 

I've been in similar situations. When I have broken up with guys, and they started crying or begging and pleading, it right away turned me off. I wasn't interested even in being their friend anymore. I just wanted to get away ASAP.

 

The men I broke up with, who said, "ok - that's cool" and then went on to do their own thing, having fun, I would see them around campus and think, "ooopss... maybe I made a mistake." Then I would try talking to them again, to see if they would want to come back.

 

I've also been on the other end. Guys have broken up with me. When I did the crying/begging thing, it just pushed them away farther, and they would make excuses as to why they didn't call me, "I lost my cell phone - I had to get a new one" or "Oh - I went on vacation, it was a last minute decision - I didn't even have time to pack my bags." (Yeah... whatever. )

 

But, when a guy's broken up with me, and I said, "ok" and moved on, got new hobbies, new friends, new dates, suddenly, some were back, asking for a second chance. Not all, but some.

 

What I'm trying to get accross is that your only chance of getting back with him is to MOVE ON. It's hard. And it's counter-intuitive. If he sees you happy with a new life, and new friends, that might make him change his mind. Crying, and begging are not making you look more attractive in his eyes.

 

If you want a job, or to be accepted to a certain university, it requires persistence. Lots of work, lots of phone calls, resumes, etc. Relationships are not the same way.

 

I really think you should seek some counseling. Also, you said you don't really have friends in the boston area. I think you should join a church group. It's a great way of having a tight-knit community. I see the 20-something church groups in my area always organizing BBQs and camping trips. It seems like a really fun way to meet new people your own age.

 

definitely - DON'T ask him out for his birthday. It was his decision to break up with you. He knew what he was getting into when he did that. Just remember: if he wants to be with you or see you, he'll call you and ask you out again.

[chai714]

Danimal made some very good points. He's right on when he talked about withdrawing yourself before they unconsciously push you away. It might not be a bad idea to print those out and keep 'em on your fridge. It's human nature to appreciate that which is more rare. This includes your contacts with him.

 

Remember, human nature also tells us that when we hold a single source responsible for our own happiness, we tend to overvalue it. It looks like you could be doing this with him. Others refer to this as "putting your ex on a pedastol" which is the same thing. No single source should be your 100% happiness. You need to find many things that give you a bit of joy, and spread your time throughout each. I understand it's easy to get into a routine of thinking, where you sit and think about the same thing over and over and over. That is not living though. That's living in the past. You're in the present, so focus on moving forward. You can achieve this by diversifying your life and spreading out your sources of happiness.

[gradle]

hi all,

thanks for the advice! i jsut want to make clear that i stopped planning the bday surprise for him when he broke up with me, that was something i was doing before hand cause i could tell he was having a tough time and i thought that woudl cheer him up.... but i stopped that the minute he broke up with me...i still don't think it's a bad idea to ask him if he wants to go to the concert though that weekend, if not i could always find someone else to go with, i hope....

 

and i totally agree about the whole chasing quote....you're right, i don't want to seem pathetic and desperate...because i don't think that i am, even though i have my moments and act like it...i am pretty cool and fun to be with, i have friends that are always begging me to come and visit cause they have the best time with me... i've just been taking this break up really hard, i mean 6 years of emotions is so hard to let go.

 

but i'm feeling better and i'm not expecting him to call me anytime soon. but i can't give up hope that eventually we'll find our way back to each other. i guess it makes it harder knowing that he's leaving for cali in a couple of montsh and i'm leaving for dc in a few months. when will i see him? will we keep in touch, you know that i hope so. i just go through all of our pictures every once in a while and i get confused, because he was so happy, and i do'nt understand how he can tell me he loved me and then just change everything within a few weeks...it's just hard to accept.

 

i don't know if i would call how i've been acting really obsessive...i mean when i talked to j last he told me he'd be acting hte same way if the tables were turned. and i've heard of a lot of crazier stories...i mean, even j's ex girlfriend literally tried to beat him up a year after htey stoppsed dating and he was with me. i've never done anything near that bad...but you're right, i have to get my mind off of him. but don't get me wrong... i love him, and if icould do anything in the world to make him happy i would...but right now i can't , or he doesn't want me to... i guess sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

 

some other news, our mutual friends called me back today, and i was right, it seems i was upset over nothing. hopefully they're telling me the truth....its' hard to trust people that you don't really know, but we've tried making plans for the week and it will be good to get out and see some of these girls again...

[Mun]

I recommend you don't keep those friendships with the "mutual" friends, which are really HIS friends. Try to look for some other friends out there. These girls are too close to the situation and you might find yourself dropping hints or outright asking them about him... or wondering if what you say will get back to him. It's just not a good idea if you want to have some peace.

 

Funny that you still think asking him out for his birthday is ok. Girl ... he broke up with you. I'm sorry, but it's the truth and you have to accept that he had his reaons for doing that. If he wants to see you he will call you up and ask you out. You should not be acting like his doormat--or pushing yourself on him.

 

There is something that drove him away.

 

You have to make yourself happy. You can't put that sort of responsibility on someone else. I think your title says " i love him more than anything" well girl, that's just wrong. If you love him more than yourself then what do you have when he is gone? You need to love yourself too. You can't give everything to someone else because then there is nothing left for YOU.

 

You've probably heard this before....where is the girl he loved? The one in all those "happy pictures"? You're not that girl anymore gradle...get her back!!!!

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

..i still don't think it's a bad idea to ask him if he wants to go to the concert though that weekend, if not i could always find someone else to go with, i hope....

 

Yes, it is still a bad idea to ask him to the concert. You know you aren't giving him tickets to the concert so that he can enjoy it with whomever he chooses, you would be giving him the tickets with the implied guilt trip that he needs to ask you to the concert. It's manipulative , whether you mean it that way or not.

 

He wants space from you, that's why he ended the relationship. It's so hard but GIVE HIM HIS SPACE.

 

This means leave him alone. If he wants to see you he will call you! He already knows how you feel, you tell him every time you call.

 

You haven't been leaving him alone. Heck, Gradle, you were stalking him yesterday!!!

and i totally agree about the whole chasing quote....you're right, i don't want to seem pathetic and desperate.

 

You are chasing him by asking him to this concert. Enough said.

 

 

i don't know if i would call how i've been acting really obsessive...i mean when i talked to j last he told me he'd be acting hte same way if the tables were turned. and i've heard of a lot of crazier stories...i mean, even j's ex girlfriend literally tried to beat him up a year after htey stoppsed dating and he was with me. i've never done anything near that bad...

 

I don't think there is a scale of obsessive behaviour, his other ex's behaviour is out of control, but so is yours. You are still calling him in a fit of emotions, driving by his dorm, it's got to stop.

 

Just reading about what you are doing I can see that it would make me feel as if I couldn't breathe, if I were him.

 

some other news, our mutual friends called me back today, and i was right, it seems i was upset over nothing. hopefully they're telling me the truth....its' hard to trust people that you don't really know, but we've tried making plans for the week and it will be good to get out and see some of these girls again

 

Good, keep plans with your friends, just resist the idea of asking them about him, and saying things in the hope that it gets back to him. Annie's idea of a church group isn't a bad idea either.

 

Look, I realize that I sound like a broken record, but if you read my posts and you read other's posts, all are telling you the same thing, pull back, and let this go for a little while. Having some hope in the back of your mind is fine, but you are still letting this paralyze you too much.

[danimal77]

Annie24 wrote: definitely - DON'T ask him out for his birthday. It was his decision to break up with you. He knew what he was getting into when he did that. Just remember: if he wants to be with you or see you, he'll call you and ask you out again.

 

Now, I agree with the first part of that paragraph, but not the second and I'll tell you why.

 

Firstly, I was in a very similar circumstance only a few days ago and it being my ex's birthday (last Thursday). I was thinking of doing something GRAND to get her attention and make her think, OH, HOW SWEET!!!, BUT, that was NOT the case. I had a fish delivered to her work on Thursday (she always wanted one)...I had waited a few hours and had a feeling that something went wrong. Well, after having called the pet store to find out how it went, I was shocked at her reaction (but NOT really given the circumstances). She was very turned off at having received this from me. Why? Because it was TOO much and I'm sure it made her feel even more guilty and made me look pathetic, where as if this would have been done when I had her respect, she would have adored it. The timing was off. It also didn't help in my situation that my ex, is nnow rekindling the flame with her first long lost love (which is another story for another day...lol).

 

My point is, if you do ANYTHING, make it small and effortless.

 

Now, for the second part of your paragraph. If he wants to be with her, or see her, he will. NOT necessarily...Dumpers normally won't re-initiate contact. It is a pride thing...That is why I have always advocated that if the dumpee has taken the necessary time to heal, and they are in FULL control of their emotionns and reactions, that they can contact their ex at this point....I see nothing wrong with this, but to believe that the ex will get in touch with us is wishfull thinking...

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Liquidius]

The way you reacted, I did for the first week after I was dumped, and one incident afterward. Its a hard cycle to break, but you can do it. Don't phone him, don't text him, don't email him, dont do anything. If he talks to you then fine, but dont initiate anything. Get on with your life, look after yourself. You're more important. It gets much much easier.

[Hope75]

Now, for the second part of your paragraph. If he wants to be with her, or see her, he will. NOT necessarily...Dumpers normally won't re-initiate contact. It is a pride thing...That is why I have always advocated that if the dumpee has taken the necessary time to heal, and they are in FULL control of their emotionns and reactions, that they can contact their ex at this point....I see nothing wrong with this, but to believe that the ex will get in touch with us is wishfull thinking..

 

I have to disagree with this. My ex did contact me, and we are together now. If the feelings are there, and the ex knows that the other party is willing (and we all know that Gradle is willing) then he will contact her.

[annie24]

No danimal - I've stated that I've had guys break up with me, who then later have been the first to re-initiate contact.

 

Basically - this guy knows that she is still interested. She's done enough. If he really wants to see her, he will pick up the phone and dial her number. If he doesn't, then obviously, he really doesn't want to see her all that badly. Now, that doesn't mean he doesn't still think about her from time to time, but if someone doesn't physically pick up the phone, and dial your number and tell you that they want to see you again, just how interested could they be?

[danimal77]

Hope75 Wrote: If the feelings are there, and the ex knows that the other party is willing (and we all know that Gradle is willing) then he will contact her.

 

Hope, yes, we all do know that Gradle is willing and this is the issue and Gradle listen very carefully: You can no longer be willing. Sure, right now you see nothing else but hurt, loneliness and despair and NO hope, or even no chance or reconciliation. You must understand that these feelings are only temporary, BUT, you must practice NC, to give yourself a chance to eliminate these self-debilitating thoughts....Time and distance WILL do just that.

 

There will ALWAYS be feelings there, on both the dumper and the dumpees end. At times it is even harder for the dumper than it is for the dumpee and that is why the dumper distances themselves from the dumpee....It just hurts too much for them and what hurts even more is to see how much they have hurt the person they love(d).....

 

Now the key issue is that Gradle, you have to get to a point where your ex NO longer feels like you are willing any longer to jump back in the saddle again. This is what NC will help you with right now...

 

Again, there are cases where the dumper does contact the dumpee some time after. I've even done it myself, but it's usually when they themselves have fully gotten over the hurt and in most cases, their feelings as well, BUT, this is not necessarily a bad thing, because it takes the pressure off, however, if you WAIT for them to contact you, you can be waiting for years and I see no point in living in hope that this may some day happen...

 

You cannot tell yourself that if they truly loved me, they would call me up. They won't (IN MOST CASES), for the same reasons why they left in the first place. They do NOT know who they will be getting if they make that move. Will it be the person they HAD to leave, or will it be someone who more resembles the person they fell in love with and swept them off their feet?

 

All neediness, dependence, insecurity, hurt, resentment and everything of that nature MUST be extinguished from your system before you should even consider reaching out...

 

If you choose to do anything proactive, I would highly recommend you give it some time. When you do go back in, you won't be disappointed of the outcome, be it good or bad and just going in with that sense of indifference, you will almost always get a positive reaction from your ex.

 

No expectations.....

 

For now, work on yourself and don't worry about the fear of losing him forever. It is that fear that made him HAVE to leave.

 

Good Luck,

 

Danimal

[brando]

Hey Gradle,

 

I read through your posts and all of the supporters here. Listen to what they are saying. I learned one thing in all of this, and it was a simple lesson but it took me a long time to absorb, It does not matter how you feel about the relationship, it is how he is feeling. I know it isnt what you want to hear right now, but it is the truth. You do need to break contact with him and start taking care of you, it is very hard under the circumstances, but it is necessary for your own serenity.

 

The beautiful thing about posting here, is that people have been through the same things, different circumstances and people, but the same thing overall. Persuing your ex will only show him how little respect you have for yourself, i mean a guy tells you he no longer wants to be with you and you keep chasing him teeling him you love him, is not apealing to him right now. So please take some time and be with yourself, it will help you whether he comes back or not. That is the beauty of healing, the sooner you start the better you are able to handle speaking to the ex.

 

Get your emotions together, your thoughts. It is what it is right now, and thier is little you can say or do to change his mind and his heart.

 

Go back through this thread and read the responses by Hope, by Danimal, by Annie, they have geat wisdom behind their words. They know what they are talking about especially when they speak about you taking care of you. You need to shift the focus off of him and on to you.

 

Post as much as you can, when feeling down, write a journal, go out with friends, flirt with guys, go dancing whatever it takes to reacquaint with the other important person in your life....you.

[gradle]

you guys are so wonderful, thank you so much for the support...

so i had a pretty good day, very non stalkerish... no worries... i just ran some errands and then came home and went for a run.. and i actually made myself some dinner...i hadn't eaten since dinner last night at the bbq...

adn then! the guy i met last night called and invited me to this big concert festival on tuesday so i'm excited...i think he knows that i'm not looking for anything serious, that i just want to have fun. i think he just needs someone to hang out with. it makes me a little sad because i know that j woudl love this festival... but it's his loss, i'm gonna go out and have fun, and tomorrwo night i'm getting people together to watch game 7 (go pistons!). so i'm trying to stay busy and have fun and keep as far from j as i can... make him miss me! see what he ran away from! and make him regret it! i know i'm not over him, and it's going to be a long time before i do get over him, and i know i'm still hoping that he wisens up...either now or in the future....

this post has been a huge help, i know i don't always take your advice, but believe me, i appreciate the help and i do take it into account, it's hard though, until i get to a certain point myself to accept it, you know?

[brando]

Gradle,

Their is an old saying you can take what you want and leave the rest.

 

Stay strong, you have everything you will ever need in life within you.

 

be well,

Brando