please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

So glad to hear how your day went. I was at a BBQ this afternoon and was thinking of you. Even if you are pretending to be OK and forcing yourself through the motions, it's a start. Exercise was a huge distractor for me when I went through my breakup too. I spent hours on the treadmill and lost 18 lbs in two months (alot of it was stress too, and I of course have gained 10 back....yikes!)

 

Great news about the concert on Tues! I think it will be a great time for you, and a good distraction for you as well.

 

Brando has some very wise words as well, and you would be smart to listen to him, and well, pretty much everyone on this forum.

 

You are not always going to do what we are telling you to do. BUT, do know that we really, truly, have been where you are and are trying to help you learn from our mistakes, instead of having to make them on your own. We really have your best interests at heart.

 

Stay strong.

[gradle]

Hi all,

So it's Monday morning and I'm at work and I'm kind of excited about going to the show tomorrow… I'm excited because tonight I have gotten a bunch of people together to watch the piston's game….but I still keep thinking of j and if he's okay… I wonder when he's going to call me next… in my head I still have these thoughts of stopping by to see him in a few weeks, just to see how he's doing, maybe watching family guy with him, and then just getting up like a 24 year old woman and walking out, like a casual friend… just so I know how he's taking everything. And in my head I still have thoughts that maybe he might go to this concert with me for his birthday….

Maybe these thoughts will fade in the next few weeks…. We'll see….

[Hope75]

Hey Gradle,

 

Hope you have a great time tonight watching the game and tomorrow at the show! It's great that you've got some fun things to do that will help take your mind off of J.

 

in my head I still have these thoughts of stopping by to see him in a few weeks, just to see how he's doing, maybe watching family guy with him, and then just getting up like a 24 year old woman and walking out, like a casual friend… just so I know how he's taking everything. And in my head I still have thoughts that maybe he might go to this concert with me for his birthday….

 

Bad idea, but you know that. You are not going to be able to be a true friend to J when all you want from him so to take you back. It's not a good idea to go and see him, and I highly doubt you are going to be able to keep your emotions under control.

 

and there you go with the concert thing again.... I've told you and others have told you, you will be crowding him and smothering him, the very complaint the made him leave you, if you try to manipulate him into taking you to this concert by buying him the tickets. It's not a gift, it's a trick to get him to see you, and a lousy one at that..

 

I would NOT get him the tickets. You shouldn't be getting him anything for his birthday, he broke up with you.Stop trying to manipulate him into seeing you or talking to you. Let him come to you when he's ready.

[gradle]

i know you're sick of me bringing this up, but what if i ask him beforehand, when he calls me...and i don't buy the tickets, he pays me back for his share, and we just go to the concert together,

like what if i said, don't worry, i don't expect you to go with me, but since i know that you're also big fan of guster and they're playing, i was thinking of going to the concert, but if you don't want to go that's fine, i can find someone else to go with... still a really really bad idea?

[avman]

Still a bad idea. NO CONTACT is the way to go.

[gradle]

ugh, i am pathetic

[Hope75]

i know you're sick of me bringing this up, but what if i ask him beforehand, when he calls me...and i don't buy the tickets, he pays me back for his share, and we just go to the concert together,

like what if i said, don't worry, i don't expect you to go with me, but since i know that you're also big fan of guster and they're playing, i was thinking of going to the concert, but if you don't want to go that's fine, i can find someone else to go with... still a really really bad idea?

 

Yes. It is still a really really bad idea. It is still manipulation on your part. It is still sad, it is still desperate.

 

Gradle, listen. Really listen. He broke up with you. He felt smothered and controlled and it was making him unhappy. He ended the relationship because of it.

 

You are not trying hard enough to get on with your life for you.

 

You are still obsessing over him and when you will get to talk to him and see him.

 

You are single now, He is not your boyfriend. He is choosing not to be with you and there is a reason and you know what it is, and yet, you continue to harp on the very things that drove him away. You shouldn't be buying him anything. The best gift you can give him is space. It's what he wants.

 

You really really need to relax and stop this. Someone here mentioned you would be known as the sad ex girlfriend who wouldn't give up. It's true.

 

IF he wants to see you, he will call you and ask to see you. Until then, you need to leave him alone. He broke up with you.

 

[annie24]

i know you're sick of me bringing this up, but what if i ask him beforehand, when he calls me...and i don't buy the tickets, he pays me back for his share, and we just go to the concert together,

like what if i said, don't worry, i don't expect you to go with me, but since i know that you're also big fan of guster and they're playing, i was thinking of going to the concert, but if you don't want to go that's fine, i can find someone else to go with... still a really really bad idea?

 

Yes. Really really bad idea. If he is such a big fan, he will buy his own tickets and bring his brother, a friend, or even, his own date.

 

If you are a big fan of them, you should go, and bring someone. Ask a neighbor, or perhaps even that new guy you just met. Not the ex.

 

definitely - stick to no contact. Don't come up with excuses to contact him.

[lakergal]

Ughhh... please listen to people on here:

 

You sound obsessive with the ex...

 

Stop making excuses to call (we all can/could/want to do that but DON'T!)

 

Stop trying to find ways to "make this work" - the more you try, the more it won't - trust me!!!

 

Stop trying to manipulate the words into "sounding" non-obsessive - they still are...

 

Stop trying to find ways to make HIM happy - focus ALL THAT EFFORT on YOU, not him and you'll be much better off

 

Gradle, I hurt too... well, no I don't anymore. Any man that beats, pushes, or accosts me is scum and not worthy of my heart... but that's beside the point...

 

The more you cling to this fantasy of yours, the more you're going to push him away... LET HIM GO -

 

IF he comes back and you DON'T smother him, he'll probably stay... but if you keep smothering him you'll never get him back... ever.

 

Your choice - give him space now and hope for the best whilst working on YOU; or push him and lose him forever.

[gradle]

i know you guys are right, i'm sorry...

it's just so hard, you know? i've been pretty good, and i even feel a lot better, thanks to you guys and my beign able to pull myself out of this rut...i know i sound obsessive, but really i'm not as bad as i sound...i promise i'm doign my best to listen, and i've been doing a lot for myself... i plan on trynig to draw again soon, and my moving to dc is a pretty big step of running my own life. i have trips with friends planned and i have friends visiting me ....so that makes me feel better... i know i can't get this hope out of my head that j will realize he was rash, but i know i'll be able to move on with my life....

[danimal77]

Okay Gradle, I HAVE to step in here and shed some light onto your situation.....

 

You surely don't know me, but what I do HIGHLY recommend is that you read my old posts. I am somewhat of a veteran on here and have not come back this time seeking any advice. I am only on here to give....Yes, my ex has once again left, but I am not worried/stressed/freaking out/or obsessing....I've done my share of that, as you will see from my posts, which date back almost a year and a half.

 

One thing you will notice from me, is my undying determination to winning her back and I DID, MANY TIMES, even though EVERYONE on here told me not to, or told me that it's the wrong way to go and to just let her come to me...

 

Now, I won't tell you that your thoughts or intentions are wrong, because they are not, BUT, going through with what you are planning to do, will NOT get you the desired reaction you are seeking. Not a chance in HELLL.

 

The facts are these:

 

1. You love him, miss him, can't stop thinking about him and guess what? He knows it. You have to get to a point where he NO LONGER does. That is KEY!!

 

2. He is expecting you to come after him and as a result, he has his guard up. He will fight you off with his defenses...It doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for you, but what it does mean, is that he is taking care of his own right now, and YOU need to be doing the same thing.....

 

3. You are insecure, scared and worried of losing him forever if you don't reach out right now and WOW him, you fear that you will. WRONG!!!! If you try and do ANYTHING in your current emotional state, you will [Profanity Removed by Moderator] UP!!! You will do everything that made him have to go away....

 

4. You feel desperate and that there is NO HOPE and that he is GONE. Gradle, nothing in life is impossible and just because he feels a certain way about you right now, it doesn't mean he will ALWAYS feel this way, but I can GUARANTEE you one thing. If you act out on impusle and follow through with those plans, in the state that you're in, you'll fail miserably. It will delay any progress you have made within yourself and how his thoughts may have been changing for you since NC has begun....

 

5. If he loves you, he will make the move and call you. WRONG!! He may not and if he does, it may only be years from now. Why does it usually take so long? Because they wait until YOU are finally over them. They don't want to be reminded of the hurt they caused and have to live with the guilt, and so, they wait and some of them wait forever and that is a fact.

 

My advice to you is this: Don't buy any tickets. Don't do any grand gestures. Don't do ANYTHING AT ALL right now and I speak from PLENTY of experience. Not only does he need space, but YOU do as well. You may not see that, but you need to...Space and distance will make you stronger, more independent, healthier of mind and in turn of the body and you will have developed an emotional detachment that is required when YOU initiate contact. That's right, it will have to come from you, but that time is NOT NOW....NO WAY!!!!

 

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask them.

 

Dan

[gradle]

hah, you guys are the greatest...

ok, no tickets, i got that...

but can i send him a simple birthday card? or a phone call? one or the other, with a simple message? nothing to trigger any hurtful feelings? i just think i should do something!

[annie24]

No! Nien! Nyet! Non!

 

Honestly - I think you need to focus on you, and getting over things. Focus on getting yourself back. If you send him a card or whatever, then you will be freaking out wondering why he hasn't responded. And if he does respond, then you'll be freaking out about why he hasn't pledged his undying love to you and/or asked out back out. I say this because I've been there. I don't think you're ready to have contact with him.

 

He knows you care, and he knows you want him back and are hurting. I geniunely think that your only chance to get back with him is to distance yourself from him, get back your identity, and move on. He may realize once he has some air that he does miss you. But, if you keep reminding him that you exist, you will never give him a chance to miss you.

[danimal77]

Gradle, did you read my entire email? I put blood, sweat and tears into that sweetheart ...

 

It was my ex's b-day last Thursday and I made the mistake of doing something for her. In fact, last year at this point we were broken up as well and I made the mistake back then as well. Both times it wasn't appreciated and made me look desperate. Do nothing FOR NOW. If and WHEN you choose to contact him in the future, wish him a happy belated...

 

Trust me on this. What you think is just you being nice and I should AT LEAST do this for him, is the wrong way of thinking. He should be doing a *beep*load for you too and the fact is, right now he isn't.

 

Take care of yourself and learn from my mistakes, please...

 

Take in what I said in my point form email...Reading something is one thing, but understand and applying it is something else...

[lakergal]

Gradle,

 

You're still trying to find EXCUSES to contact him.

 

PLEASE STOP!

 

I have a choice whether to read your posts which make me feel subsequently SMOTHERED... if you're contacting him, thinking about him, whatever, he knows and my guess is no matter how hard you try, he's going to feel smothered too.

 

I keep reading these because as dan said, people helped me even as recently as last week - I feel the need to give back. It helps me to see how neurotic, desparate, pitiful, etc that I looked and God only knows, that's not what I want... doubt you do either.

 

NO CONTACT with him - no email, no postcards, no b-day cards, no IM, no posts on forums you know he reads, no peeking at his college dorm, no asking his friends, no driving by where he "might" be, no nothing... NOTHING!

 

FOCUS ON YOU!!! FOCUS ON YOU!!!

 

I was hurting a few weeks ago - read my posts - my ex just dumped me after 2 years of living in my home... I was dying inside and found myself here.

 

I did not listen to people when they said my ex was scum... I do now. they were right with me, and we're right with you.

 

It just took two banged up knees and humiliation for me to realize people on here do know what they're talking about - they sit on the outside of our relationships and look in... they have no attachment to us other than this forum... what a beautiful thing and... they care.

 

We care, Gradle - your friends care... go out, you have that concert tomorrow night, have fun - try, for 5 minutes, to not think of him. Then the next night try for 10 minutes... work up until it's hours. Take those 5 - 10 minutes and do something for you... and only you.

[gradle]

deal! i'll do my best i promise.... you guys are the best, thanks for listening to me i'm sorry i get so stubborn sometimes!

[lakergal]

We're gonna change your name to BULLY (as in bulldog)

 

They are the most stubborn of the canines

 

Take that stubbornness and put it towards YOU...

 

When the "angst" starts coming, be stubborn and push it away.

 

When the "need" to do something around your ex comes up, be stubborn and push it away...

 

Use that gift for good for YOU, and only you.

[danimal77]

Lakergal, I challenge you to read MY early posts from a year to a year and a half ago. You want stubborn? You don't know the meaning of the word until you see what I was capable of back then.....

 

There is still one thing I advocate that most don't and that being that there is NOTHING wrong with contacting your ex, but you MUST give it some time. Call, with NO expectations! When you have nothing to ask of him or her and are just simply picking up a phone to say hello and can remain in FULL control of yourself, I see no harm. NONE!!!

 

Personally, my ex ended it about a month ago (again) and it's been that long since I've seen her, but it's only been 3 days since we spoke (I made the mistake of breaking contact with her from the previous Sunday to wish her a happy 28th). Well, since then, I am back to NC and I can tell you one thing, I have built up enough emotional detachment where I could call her lets say tomorrow and say hi, BUT, I won't, because she is NOT ready to hear my voice yet. She won't push me away, because she'll hear the calmness in it and the self-control I've acquired, BUT, the timing is off. It's too soon....

 

Wait it out Gradle....

 

Any more advice, ask away....

 

Dan

[avman]

No contact means NO contact. No phone calls, no emails, no driving by their house. NO EXCEPTIONS. Anytime you reply with anything starting with the phrase "Is it ok if" the answer is going to be "No, it isn't".

 

He needs space. Give him space. Period. End of story. No exceptions. Pretend he is dead if you have to.

[Hope75]

but can i send him a simple birthday card? or a phone call? one or the other, with a simple message? nothing to trigger any hurtful feelings? i just think i should do something!

 

Gradle, you have already gotten the answers you need from our other posters, but I'll say it anyway, NO NO NO. Stop it!

 

Annie said it best:

 

If you send him a card or whatever, then you will be freaking out wondering why he hasn't responded. And if he does respond, then you'll be freaking out about why he hasn't pledged his undying love to you and/or asked out back out. I say this because I've been there. I don't think you're ready to have contact with him.

 

Just leave him be. As others said, enjoy your concert tomorrow, have a great time, for YOU.

 

Keep posting when you feel weak and your team of cheerleaders here will point out what a bad idea it is to bother him when he asked for space.

[danimal77]

Avman, you have to remember that Gradle hasn't had the experience we have had...If you would have told me what you just told her about a year ago, or longer, I wouldn't have understood. You have to go through NC to see why it is so important...

 

I know that I've outlined the FACTS for Gradle and why NC should now be applied...

 

If Gradle loves this man, I see no reason why she cannot, or should not contact him in the future, BUT, not in the emotional state she is in now...

 

No, he is NOT dead, but the woman who currently are right now MUST die in a sense...Shed your skin and grow stronger and reclaim your independence...Once that is done, if you still want to contact him, go for it, but before you do, contact me and I'll tell you how to go in. For now, let time do it's thing.

 

Peace,

 

EyeOfTheTiger

[avman]

Oh I remember danimal, you were the same way . I'm not bashing her, just being extremely firm. No means no. Period.

[Hope75]

 

I know that I've outlined the FACTS for Gradle and why NC should now be applied...

 

If Gradle loves this man, I see no reason why she cannot, or should not contact him in the future, BUT, not in the emotional state she is in now...

 

No, he is NOT dead, but the woman who currently are right now MUST die in a sense...Shed your skin and grow stronger and reclaim your independence...Once that is done, if you still want to contact him, go for it, but before you do, contact me and I'll tell you how to go in.

 

r

 

See here's where I think the mistake lies. What you are essentially telling Gradle is that she can continue to live for the hope that her ex is coming back. She is not in control of his emotions, and if you read her posts, you can plainly see how unhealthy her obsession is and how much she needs to let him go for her own sanity.

 

You will tell her how to go in? Did you get your gf back? Is she with you now?

 

Gradle was dumped. For lack of flowery language, the guy dropped her like a hot rock. She's hurting, and badly. The last thing she needs in to continue living in pain By her continuing to believe that eveything she does, even if it is not call not pursue, is all in the distinct and sole effort to get him to come back, she is not living in reality. Let Gradle have some closure and some peace with this.

[danimal77]

Hope, yes I did get my ex back. Every single time...Why we are not together right now is for very different reasons than they once were...

 

I am not telling Gradle to have hope that he will come back. That's not what it's about. I am telling her that once she is healed, it will be HER choice as to what SHE wants to do, knowing her own worth at that point and valuing it. Big difference and yes, if Gradle chooses to want him at that point, I will help her with strategies...

 

You can ask the veterans as to how this can be accomplished, but this is for a later discussion. She is NOT at that point yet.

[Hope75]

Hope, yes I did get my ex back. Every single time...Why we are not together right now is for very different reasons than they once were...

 

. I am telling her that once she is healed, it will be HER choice as to what SHE wants to do, knowing her own worth at that point and valuing it. Big difference and yes, if Gradle chooses to want him at that point, I will help her with strategies...

 

You can ask the veterans as to how this can be accomplished, but this is for a later discussion. She is NOT at that point yet.

 

The point is Danimal,

 

That her ex as well as all of our exes have thier own minds and own agendas, and the only way they will come back is if THEY want to come back, no matter how hard we try and what strategies we use. Nothing can be accomplished in terms of getting back together unless both parties want it and both work at it to make it work.

 

I don't know what your circumstances with your ex were but it's obvious that if she came back that many times, she wanted to, and if she came back MANY TIMES, than obviously whatever was breaking you guys up was not resolved, and in the end she is gone anyway, so it wasn't so sucessful, was it?

 

The only thing I am saying here is that Gradle, right now, is hurting so much that she cannot see past a life without him. Every post she asks if it is a good idea to contact her ex for one thing or another. She is desperate, and not moving forward.

 

I don't think we should suggest contacting her ex at all at least until we can see and she can feel that she is stronger and more independent.

 

Does that make more sense?